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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 4:31:32 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16481
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From: Central California
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I work with children who have been molested, some severely so. The way you treat "the molested"(a derogatory term in my opinion) is the same way you treat any other child, or person you care about; with love, grace, dignity respect, understanding and compassion.
You don't minimize what they've gone through, neither do you let it define who they are. She is no more responsible for her molestation than someone who is struck by a drunk driver.
If she were my daughter, I would not allow her to even date someone doubted her purity or how special she is because of things beyond her control. That shows a decided lack of maturity and insight into what molestation is really all about.
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Life is too short for sensible shoes!
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 4:41:53 PM
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Amherst
Posts: 40
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
The way you treat "the molested"(a derogatory term in my opinion)...
Let me clear that up. I originally intended to title this thread "How to view someone who has been a victim of molestation", but I thought that title wouldn't fit when you view all the thread titles in the forum. So I had to shorten it to its current form. I'm really sorry if it offends you or others.
Regarding the rest of your post, I just want to say that I have never dealt with anything like this before. This is all very new to me, and I am seeking God's guidance and wisdom in all of this. It is unrealistic to expect me to know exactly how to respond to a situation I've never dealt with before. I know my initial reaction to this situation was very wrong, and I even knew it at the time. But now I have peace with this, and God has given me His grace to have love and compassion for her, and I will continue to help her.
< Message edited by Amherst -- 4/29/2008 4:56:00 PM >
_____________________________
Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 4:53:07 PM
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elastic
Posts: 2809
Joined: 4/15/2005
From: NYC
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quote:
She is no more responsible for her molestation than someone who is struck by a drunk driver.
i agree with this, and would also add that although she is not responsible, she most likely thinks she is, or blames herself, and thinks about what she shoulda/woulda/coulda - had done to stop it...but she couldn't manage to.
it is important that you reassure her that it wasn't her fault, and until you truly belive that yourself, then you should take time away from her, or break up with her altogether.
you don't need to add on to the guilt she already feels, even if you are unknowingly doing it. believe me, she feels guilty, and she has no reason to. by thinking of her as something less than worthy, or something that is used up, you are not helping at all.
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"You are so right elastic" ~Qtman
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 5:02:44 PM
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Amherst
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I appreciate your concern for her, and I know you are giving your best advice, and I respect that. But it seems like you haven't read my previous posts about God changing my heart completely.
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Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 5:39:03 PM
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crh737
Posts: 592
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Amherst
Hey everyone,
Someone I am very close to recently stepped out in faith and bravely told me that she was molested from ages 7 to 12. I talked with her extensively about it, and I have been praying for her a lot since she told me.
My problem is that it's hard for me to view her as untouched and special now. I feel like she has marks left on her, and it's extremely difficult for me to see her as pure in Christ.
Please understand that I am NOT trying to make my problem seem more important than hers. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her to live with those scars day after day.
I am just asking you what you think I should do about my views toward her. I know it wasn't her fault that she was violated, but thinking about it makes me devalue her mentally. What can I do about this?
My suggestion to you and I myself being abused, Stay away from here. She doesn't need someone who thinks less of her.
It is not her sin and I am sure she already went through the guilt and shame.
Because of a tradegy she confided you in, you now have the audcity to view it through a cracked mirror.
And what, when you look at yourself, does it show "perfect?" Let me know I wouldn't mind buying a trick mirror too!
How dare you
CRH
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 6:33:54 PM
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DenimDiva
Posts: 5111
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I think we're forgetting that Amhearst said the Lord has softened his heart on this.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 6:45:03 PM
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crh737
Posts: 592
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DenimDiva
I think we're forgetting that Amhearst said the Lord has softened his heart on this.
DenimDiva~
I had not read the other posts until after I posted. I believe he realzied not everyone agreed with him and that's why he cowtowed.
MHO only
I seriously don't have the time
CRH
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 6:49:51 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3348
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DenimDiva
I think we're forgetting that Amhearst said the Lord has softened his heart on this.
Yes, I agree, Roberta, but his OP went up at 1:45 and he said his heart was changed by 3:08. That's 1 hour and 23 minutes!! I know God can work miracles, but I just want to stress to the OP that he should be sure his heart is truly changed towards this girl to ensure she isn't hurt any further. It takes a a long time for a heart to become as jaded as the OP's was in his first post.
< Message edited by Kat_D -- 4/29/2008 6:56:12 PM >
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
I weep for those who won't experience this because they have been deceived.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 7:08:39 PM
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Peachi
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I sure hope your friend doesn't read your post. I would break my heart knowing I had opened my heart to someone I cared about and told them about something to awful and they felt the way you do (did)
Pray together on this and maybe seek counseling so you can understand her feelings and help her heal more
God Bless you
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 7:48:46 PM
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deermousie
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I'm guessing that a person who was molested long term as a child is broken inside just like we all are broken, in one way or another, and probably more severely than some others.
The OP said this was a new thing for him to think about and he is struggling to find his balance in the Lord. I don't appreciate it that a person says he suddenly finds themself in a difficult place and is attacked for not having it all figured out like people who've been through this or have worked with people who've been through this or just have strong feelings about it. He said he wasn't sure his attitude and feelings were right and asked for help. Put your guns down, some of you. We shouldn't be shooting someone who is trying to do it right. Help him think this through; his question is an honest one that anyone in his position might have.
To just tell him to dump her because he's not good enough is unwarrented and unreasonable in the light of how God works in our lives. None of us is good enough; that's why Christ went to the cross. Don't forget it was for you, too, so don't look down on him. And you're asking this girl to suffer the loss of her relationship with him - more loss for her.
I was not molested, but I came from parents who should have gone to prison for what they did to their kids. I'm in my 50s and I still struggle. I have a sibling who is a violent sociopath - there but for the grace of God go I. My whole life has been colored and shaped by childhood. The biggest blessing to me has been my husband, who had no clue when he married me that I was such a wreck. To be fair, I didn't either, and a lot of things didn't come out until life got harder and the twisted thinking I had became more obvious. It's been a long, hard row to hoe, and I don't expect to be fully healed until I see the Lord face-to-face. But meanwhile, I can slowly plug the holes in the colander of my life, one at a time, and have done everything to make sure my own kid doesn't suffer the same lies. I'm sure some things have slipped through, but it looks like God has blessed her and she lives in a world of God's truth and her parents' love. I am ever so grateful! But I understand what it is to be handicapped by a catastrophic loss that others can't see.
Would my husband had married me if he knew of my injury? I've never asked him, but I can make a good guess: He would have thought about it a long time, prayed, sought wise counsel... and then he would have married me anyway because he thought it was God's will (because he did think it was God's will in the first place).
I think the OP will think long and hard about this, pray, seek counsel, and then do what God leads him to do. At least, his response up to now indicates this as a likely course. So give him wise counsel, you in the know (and some of you have), pray for him, and encourage him. This is a difficult thing and it may take a while to work all the different aspects through.
I have little advice to give in this specific matter, Amherst, because I am not knowledgeable about it. I ask that you keep in mind we are all the walking wounded in one way or another, and that God calls us to fervently love the brethren. God sometimes heals us by His hand, and sometimes by the hands of our Forever Family. You can be a blessing by being a casual friend, or maybe God will call you to marry this girl when she's old enough. I don't know, and right now I'm guessing neither do you. Listen to God and wise counsel, and may your heart be ready to do whatever God will ask you to do. His ways are always good, even when the present circumstances look iffy. The end is guaranteed.
God bless you and her; I am praying tonight for you both. May God heal her and give you great wisdom and kindness.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/29/2008 8:36:53 PM
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Amherst
Posts: 40
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Thank you, deermousie, for your response to all the feedback I've been getting. You were able to put into words what I could not. And thank you for your wisdom. God really has blessed you with words.
I truly believe God has changed my heart completely on this matter, and I can see my girlfriend as pure in Christ. I will continue to seek God for guidance and wisdom on this matter, and I really appreciate your prayers for us!
_____________________________
Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 1:11:17 AM
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DenimDiva
Posts: 5111
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
quote:
ORIGINAL: DenimDiva
I think we're forgetting that Amhearst said the Lord has softened his heart on this.
Yes, I agree, Roberta, but his OP went up at 1:45 and he said his heart was changed by 3:08. That's 1 hour and 23 minutes!! I know God can work miracles, but I just want to stress to the OP that he should be sure his heart is truly changed towards this girl to ensure she isn't hurt any further. It takes a a long time for a heart to become as jaded as the OP's was in his first post.
Sorry, I didn't notice what times he posted.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 2:02:28 AM
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Amherst
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I don't understand why it is so difficult for some people to believe that God can work miracles in 1 hour and 23 minutes. And honestly, it's not anyone's place to look down on me and doubt the genuineness of my changed heart.
I have an intimate relationship with my Savior, and I confide in Him and I talk with Him about everything. He is everything I need, and He answers prayer. As I prayed over that hour and twenty-three minutes, God heard my cry and answered it. Whether or not you choose to believe God's incredible healing power is up to you. I'm trying my best to be humble and show love to everyone here, but some people are making it difficult, and I don't understand why.
_____________________________
Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 7:13:19 AM
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peacebearer
Posts: 14
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You're doing ok, Amherst. Just stay humble, as you're doing right now. We never know who the Lord is gonna send our way to teach us things about ourselves and then challenge us to grow. Your girlfriend and her circumstances are a challenge for you to let the Lord mold and teach you about who He is and how He sees things.
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"For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain" Philippians 1: 21
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 1:00:03 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 640
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Amherst
I think it would take longer for me to be at peace with it just because it's technically a further sexual advancement. At least that's how I view it in my mind. (Whether that's right or not, I'm not sure.)
That's not right, IMO. How old are you guys? Did one of the posts say 16? I do think she needs someone she can discuss these things with and work through them with but I don't really see much benefit to having you know this information. At 16, there's no practical or wise reason for your relationship to even be at this level.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 2:12:24 PM
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Amherst
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
quote:
ORIGINAL: Amherst
I think it would take longer for me to be at peace with it just because it's technically a further sexual advancement. At least that's how I view it in my mind. (Whether that's right or not, I'm not sure.)
That's not right, IMO. How old are you guys? Did one of the posts say 16? I do think she needs someone she can discuss these things with and work through them with but I don't really see much benefit to having you know this information. At 16, there's no practical or wise reason for your relationship to even be at this level.
Yes, she is 16. I am 19. I've already been through the age difference debate numerous times, so don't think that you're bringing up a new point.
_____________________________
Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 3:26:36 PM
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csl7037
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It's not the difference, it's the age itself. Just an opinion. Unmarried, unegaged, especially in the teen years, there's little or NO reason to be discussing sexual issues or even to be in a relationship anywhere near a level where something of that nature or gravity (regardless of the nature) would really be appropriate.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 3:32:42 PM
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Amherst
Posts: 40
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I understand your point and your reasoning, and I respect your opinion.
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Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 4:04:05 PM
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buckifn
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Jesus Christ had marks and was wounded too. Was it hard for you to love Him and see Him as holy and pure?
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 4:10:07 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 640
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Amherst
I understand your point and your reasoning, and I respect your opinion.
Seriously, though, be careful here. The molestation was relatively recently. Don't let her lean on you or use you to avoid dealing with what she my need to deal with. And I really must insist that it's not a good idea for you to really be part of whatever steps she needs to take to grow into a complete and whole young lady. Whatever her reason was for telling you, you need to decide now what you're going to do with the information (for yourself) but this is really not a road you can walk with her. You can't be the hero and you can't fix it. I'm just talking from the perspective of a once-16 year old girl...she's got a long road ahead of her.
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 4/30/2008 5:20:51 PM
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Amherst
Posts: 40
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
Seriously, though, be careful here. The molestation was relatively recently. Don't let her lean on you or use you to avoid dealing with what she my need to deal with. And I really must insist that it's not a good idea for you to really be part of whatever steps she needs to take to grow into a complete and whole young lady. Whatever her reason was for telling you, you need to decide now what you're going to do with the information (for yourself) but this is really not a road you can walk with her. You can't be the hero and you can't fix it. I'm just talking from the perspective of a once-16 year old girl...she's got a long road ahead of her.
Regarding the bolded parts of your post, I was well aware of this right after she told me about it. I knew that this was not something that I could fix, and I would not be the one who she depended on for solace. I pointed her toward God for all of that, and I still am. God is the healer, not me or anyone else.
She didn't tell me so that she could lean on me for dependency. She was convicted by God to tell me. And please don't question that. It's not your place. (I am not angry, I am just trying to prevent unnecessary squabble that goes nowhere.)
I just wanted to let you know that I am aware of the concerns you mentioned, and I am not trying to do everything by myself.
_____________________________
Psalm 40:8
Ephesians 5:15-17
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 5/1/2008 12:01:51 AM
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SD456
Posts: 1505
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsOliver
Kat D
How is your response to him, any different than his response to her?
I have a feeling your post is not loving, encouraging or uplifting to him. He already stated he knew it was wrong, but still continued feel this way. He is looking for someone to 'encourage him in this emotional battle he is in".....
yeah, I was just going to say that. 
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 5/1/2008 12:11:34 AM
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SD456
Posts: 1505
Joined: 8/6/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Amherst
I don't understand why it is so difficult for some people to believe that God can work miracles in 1 hour and 23 minutes. And honestly, it's not anyone's place to look down on me and doubt the genuineness of my changed heart.
I have an intimate relationship with my Savior, and I confide in Him and I talk with Him about everything. He is everything I need, and He answers prayer. As I prayed over that hour and twenty-three minutes, God heard my cry and answered it. Whether or not you choose to believe God's incredible healing power is up to you. I'm trying my best to be humble and show love to everyone here, but some people are making it difficult, and I don't understand why.
Don't listen to them Amherst. Some on these threads are critical, jaded people and they show it in their posts. They have little faith in other people and little trust - and they show that too.
keep praying, keeping seeking jesus and He will continue putting His love in your heart and giving you His eyes to see her the way He does.
I do agree with a previous poster though that you are both very young. She is only 4 years older than the last time she was abused and she needs to grow up and mature more before she's serious with someone. And she definately needs healing. I encourage you to be her friend foremost at this point and not get too serious.
You don't have a wide age difference. 3 years when you're in your 20's is nothing, but right now I would be very cautious and careful about this relationship.
< Message edited by SD456 -- 5/1/2008 12:19:28 AM >
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 5/1/2008 12:36:47 AM
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hnt
Posts: 547
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I realize the age different and all okay??
I'm glad she told you! 
This happened to me when I was very young, and no one would talk about it. No one. My parents got this person out of our lifes, and no conversations happened after that for the most part.
It effected my sense of value towards myself, and my outlook on alot of things. I remember feeling dirty in high school, and I never had been with anyone. I felt like I had a target on me, and everyone could see that I dirty as well. I never spoke about it, because no one else would I felt it wasn't to be spoke of. It was a huge load as a person growing up.
I was married with two children by the time this subject finally came up with my mother. At that point I had got some help with it - among other things - and decided to mention some struggles I had while growing up because of the silence. I think my folks felt they were doing me this favor, and I don't think they realized how hard it was for me. I remember my mother telling me at that time, "OH! I guess we should have spoke about it more! I didn't realize!" LOL We never spoke about it...I had to giggle to myself...MORE??? When did we speak of it at ALL!
Silence and pain that have been stuffed inside for all kinds of reasons can eat you alive. I'm glad you came here with your struggle, and I do hope that you continue with your journey of change. There have been quite a few things in life I wasn't SURE about with my reactions towards issues as well. You could be her first step towards healing, and even tho soceity doesn't encourage stuffing as much as it did when I was a child....it still does. She needs someone to speak with about this, and you may have flip that lid of the can of pop!  Be her friend, but she will need someone gifted in this area to speak with. Encourage her, and remember its okay to say to her....I don't know how to help! Just listening is enough at times! 
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: How To View The Molested? - 5/1/2008 10:15:38 AM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 8520
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Greece Thessaloniki
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quote:
Hey everyone,
Someone I am very close to recently stepped out in faith and bravely told me that she was molested from ages 7 to 12. I talked with her extensively about it, and I have been praying for her a lot since she told me.
My problem is that it's hard for me to view her as untouched and special now. I feel like she has marks left on her, and it's extremely difficult for me to see her as pure in Christ.
Please understand that I am NOT trying to make my problem seem more important than hers. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her to live with those scars day after day.
I am just asking you what you think I should do about my views toward her. I know it wasn't her fault that she was violated, but thinking about it makes me devalue her mentally. What can I do about this?
i have a friend who was molested too. i kinda felt the same way.. it just goes away eventually. its only natural to feel this way, just like you feel engrossed by bugs or anything else dirty.
_____________________________
I'm best friends with the boogie man.
I'm a beast.
I'm a HH.
Tiger hug.
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