NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (Full Version)

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luvmyboys -> NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 1:56:41 PM)

My 8 year old son was sexually molested by his 12 year old cousin about 9 months ago. We found out about it right away, and have talked with our son about it and helped him through it. We have not had ANY contact with the boy who molested my son since it happened.

Now, the parents of the child who molested our son, and the grandparents are pressuring us to get our son together with the cousin who molested him. They are asking us to "move on" to "get over it" for the sake of family harmony.

We need advice on what to do. I am afraid there will be emotional ramifications of our son seeing this boy again (we would never let him out of our sight) Should our son have to face the boy who sexually assaulted him? Would it be healthy for him to see him again, or damaging?

If anyone has been through this, and can give us some insight, we would greatly appreciate it!

Thank You so much.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 1:59:06 PM)

So, I am assuming you never reported this, and therefor the 12 yo has not gotten any help, and there is no resolution?

I think you all did wrong. This should have been handled better from the get-go. But, no, I would not make my child see him again and the family that cared more about glossing things over than irreperable harm to my child could go take a hike.



luvmyboys -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:00:24 PM)

No... we did report it. CPS just didn't handle it well.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:08:47 PM)

How did they handle it? (and I'm glad you reported it..although I would have called the police, not CPS...other kids need to be protected from this boy)



Kat_D -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:10:56 PM)

Oh, I'm so sorry this has happened to you little boy, luv.

I was sexually assaulted as a child by my mother's best friend's husband. If I may say, the most important thing for your son is that you, his parents, support him, protect him, listen to him and love him through the aftermath of what has happened. It sounds as though you are doing that. My parents, however, did none of those things, and that is what reeked the most devastation on my life...even more than the actual assault.

Please don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything that would add to your son's pain and suffering. Your family may want everyone to sit around singing Kumbaya...but what does your son want? It is easy for your family to say "get over it" as they haven't experienced what your son has. His needs and desires should come first and should trump family harmony if what they are asking him to do further negatively impacts him.

My heart goes out to you and your son...my prayers are with you, that you would make the right decision for your son's best.



YZGUY -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:12:52 PM)

I'm so sorry to hear about what had happened and so sorry to hear that the "system" failed you. "Family Harmony" was disrupted by this boy's sin. Chances are, this boy has also been abused, too. Are they concerned about this??

No, I would not force any meeting. They obviously do not understand the ramifications and the effects on your son or on you, thus the "get over it" mentality. Your first job is to do all you can to protect your son. If they do not like it or understand it, then so be it. When he is older, and at his choosing, then perhaps your son may wish to confront his abuser. It's a shame that such actions cause divisions in the family, but "love protects." Have you spoken to a counselor or your son spoken to a counselor about the abuse?



Memaw. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:17:04 PM)

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.
It has to be heartbreaking.

Were the police involved?
Charges filed?
Has your son gone through any counseling?
Has the cousin gone through any counseling?

Personally, I would not be willing to put the two together because of the emotional damage it could cause.
Your son is looking to you to protect him and I know you have been, but you must continue and part of protecting him is to keep those that hurt him away.

I wouldn't care what other family members said, I would not allow my child to go anywhere near his molester.

Just my thoughts.



luvmyboys -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:23:29 PM)

first we took our son to the doctor, he contacted law enforcement and cps. we also contacted cps. we went in for an interview with cps and a police officer. about 4 months later i received a letter from cps saying "this happens to a lot of kids... etc. they didn't feel the need to go further" i called them and told them i disagreed with that, and that the boy who did this needs help, as he is not getting any.

on the home front, we dealt with our son by explaining to him that this was not his fault, we prayed with him... it has been an ongoing process of healing, we also have three other boys who we explained things to.

I am terrified of my son having to see this boy again. I am finally seeing some healing and I would hate to have to start over. However, some say he needs to see him, to move on. I just don't know how I feel about that.

As far as the extended family, I agree with you. They care more about a happy family facade than our children. They have no desire to help us protect our children, and instead have accused us of being "exclusive" because we no longer attend family gatherings where the abuser will be there.

I guess, I just want to do the right thing by my son... and my other children.



Kat_D -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:28:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvmyboys

first we took our son to the doctor, he contacted law enforcement and cps. we also contacted cps. we went in for an interview with cps and a police officer. about 4 months later i received a letter from cps saying "this happens to a lot of kids... etc. they didn't feel the need to go further" i called them and told them i disagreed with that, and that the boy who did this needs help, as he is not getting any.

on the home front, we dealt with our son by explaining to him that this was not his fault, we prayed with him... it has been an ongoing process of healing, we also have three other boys who we explained things to.

I am terrified of my son having to see this boy again. I am finally seeing some healing and I would hate to have to start over. However, some say he needs to see him, to move on. I just don't know how I feel about that.

As far as the extended family, I agree with you. They care more about a happy family facade than our children. They have no desire to help us protect our children, and instead have accused us of being "exclusive" because we no longer attend family gatherings where the abuser will be there.

I guess, I just want to do the right thing by my son... and my other children.


Then, listen to your heart, Luv...don't do it! You could tell the family that when the boy who molested your son gets counseling, you may consider it then.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:28:47 PM)

quote:

However, some say he needs to see him, to move on

Not at this point, I wouldn't say. I am no psychologist (btw, has your son had any counseling?) but it seems to me that this other boy would have way too much power still, and since your son has only his parents to support him and the whole family is against him...no, nothin' doing! When they are adults and run into each other accidentally and your son can forgive and walk away, then it'll be alright. But a little boy? Against a near-teenager with angry grandparents on his side who has already demonstrated that he can overpower your child? Not happening!



Memaw. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:34:10 PM)

quote:

As far as the extended family, I agree with you. They care more about a happy family facade than our children. They have no desire to help us protect our children, and instead have accused us of being "exclusive" because we no longer attend family gatherings where the abuser will be there.

I guess, I just want to do the right thing by my son... and my other children.


If "exclusive" means you don't allow your son(s) to be put in danger, then that's an excellent thing to be!

It's sad, but this happens in alot of families, the guilty one is protected but the innocent one is sacrificed.

Do his grandparents come to your house to visit?
Are there family get togethers that you all do attend when the offender is not there?

If it were me (my husband was molested for years at a young age from a foster "brother") I would stick to my guns and not allow any contact, and I would not care what the other family members thought.



luvmyboys -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:36:47 PM)


quote:

But a little boy? Against a near-teenager with angry grandparents on his side who has already demonstrated that he can overpower your child? Not happening!


thank you for validating exactly how i have been feeling. our son has had very little counseling with our pastor, back when it first happened.



luvmyboys -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 2:41:45 PM)

kimmie,

yes, the grandparents do come visit at our house occasionally. my children's aunt and uncle do not come over anymore (the offenders parent's. the offender is adopted by the way - and we now assume he was abused before the adoption)

my side of the family lives 1500 miles away. it would be nice to have there support closer.



csl7037 -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 4:03:08 PM)

I am horrified that no one is more concerned about the 12 year old's wellbeing - or the safety of others he comes in contact with. I can't escape the thought that CPS maybe didn't want to pursue it because, now that he's been adopted out of the system, they don't want him back on their caseload. I'd hate to think it works like that but just thinking out loud.

Regardless, I concur with everyone else's comments and your gut. If they're not going to pursue it to protect and care for him properly, that's not going to stop you from looking out for your son. (And, no I definitely don't think an 8 year old needs to face his fears or traumas to get better.)



buckifn -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 4:15:22 PM)

Protect your son at all costs ban anyone from your life and his that would even hint at suggesting you do otherwise and go to counseling with your son...(very few pastor's are trained to deal with crimes such as this) and make sure your son knows his well being is your priority.
and YES there will be ramifications if your son ever sees this person again and even if he doesn't molestation has life long ramifications.



Memaw. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 4:19:38 PM)

I do feel terrible for the 12 yr old cousin as well.
He too is just a child and is in serious need of help.
If his mother came on here, I know we would all surround her with support and encouragement to seek help for her son.

Luv,
Do your parents know about the molestation?
Do you have a church family to help you all through this very trying time?



Sadey -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 4:37:13 PM)

Letting your son see his abuser would be like pushing him in front of a train. Whoever told you that he needed to see him to move on is nuttier than a fruticake. Its the extended family who wants to move on by not facing the problem. You are doing so right by your little boy, God bless you.

Don't under any circumstances let him near the other boy. He needs to know that his mom and dad would never ever put him in danger by allowing the other boy near him.

I too feel for the other boy because he will do it again and hurt another child and he will end up in jail. Then all the family will weep and wring their hands because "why did this happen, well , it must be because hes adopted" and no one will ever say "well its because we didn't get him help when he did it to his cousin."

You have no control over what the rest of the family does but you sure can control who has access to your son.

You are so right on target with how you feel about this, don't ever ever doubt yourself or your motherly instincts. God gave you those instincts so just go with them.



karlie -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 6:50:04 PM)

I work with kids who have been sexually molested and I can tell you, one of the worst things you can do is to force him be around his abuser and act like it's all in the past and over with. So many people do that when it's within the family and it has devastating consequences to the child. That sends the message to the victim that it was no big deal and completely invalidates what he has gone through, and will continue to go through. He needs to know that it did matter and it was a big deal, and he will be protected at all costs. Sending him the opposite message could further traumatize him and cause him more scarring than even the incident itself. I've seen it completely stagnate healing. They shouldn't have anything to do with the person who molested them ever again.

You son needs to be in counseling as soon as you can get him there, and with someone who specializes in children in this situation. Don't assume that because he is acting normal or otherwise seems fine that he is. He really needs to see someone who can help him heal and recover from this. It could seriously impact him in many ways later on and the sooner he gets help, the better.
quote:


They are asking us to "move on" to "get over it" for the sake of family harmony.

Anyone asking you to do that not only doesn't have your son's best interests at heart, but they have no clue about the long term ramifications of molestation. Yes, family harmony is important but in some circumstances that's not always wise or possible. And nothing is as important as your son's safety and healing. That has to come first.



W.O.F. -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (4/30/2008 6:57:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

I work with kids who have been sexually molested and I can tell you, one of the worst things you can do is to force him be around his abuser and act like it's all in the past and over with. So many people do that when it's within the family and it has devastating consequences to the child. That sends the message to the victim that it was no big deal and completely invalidates what he has gone through, and will continue to go through. He needs to know that it did matter and it was a big deal, and he will be protected at all costs. Sending him the opposite message could further traumatize him and cause him more scarring than even the incident itself. I've seen it completely stagnate healing. They shouldn't have anything to do with the person who molested them ever again.

You son needs to be in counseling as soon as you can get him there, and with someone who specializes in children in this situation. Don't assume that because he is acting normal or otherwise seems fine that he is. He really needs to see someone who can help him heal and recover from this. It could seriously impact him in many ways later on and the sooner he gets help, the better.
quote:


They are asking us to "move on" to "get over it" for the sake of family harmony.

Anyone asking you to do that not only doesn't have your son's best interests at heart, but they have no clue about the long term ramifications of molestation. Yes, family harmony is important but in some circumstances that's not always wise or possible. And nothing is as important as your son's safety and healing. That has to come first.
AMEN AMEN



WalkingwithHim2 -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/1/2008 12:04:11 PM)

ditto![sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif]



luvmyboys -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/1/2008 6:29:00 PM)

Thank You all so much for voicing what I have felt in my gut. It's hard to have all the 'in-laws' opposed to our decisions to protect our children. I contacted Focus on the Family to get recommendations for a Christian counselor in our area, and we hope to get our son some additional help.

How would you all suggest we go about handling situations like weddings etc? Should we just not attended?

Thanks!



karlie -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/1/2008 6:36:08 PM)

quote:

How would you all suggest we go about handling situations like weddings etc? Should we just not attended?

In the very near future, I personally would just refuse to attend those kinds of things with him and go alone if I felt it was necessary I be there. They will just have to understand that your son isn't up to that right now. In years to come, who knows? He may be able to be in the same room with his abuser and be able to be civil and attend some family functions. Or he may never feel comfortable with that. Either way, that should be up to him at a much, much later time and only after he has healed, gotten lots of distance, and feels ready as a young man(not a child) to face the situation. I don't think as a child he should ever be put into that position.

I pray he gets an awesome counselor who really helps him heal and recover. Praying for your son.



Hislittleone -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/1/2008 8:40:11 PM)

Sadey:
quote:

Letting your son see his abuser would be like pushing him in front of a train. Whoever told you that he needed to see him to move on is nuttier than a fruticake. Its the extended family who wants to move on by not facing the problem. You are doing so right by your little boy, God bless you.
---emphasis mine

I agree with Sadey.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((((Hugs to you and your son)))) My older sister was molested by my grandfather and no one did anything about it even after she told my mom. I grew up with an extended family that put on a happy facade. We were never allowed to stay at our gp house without supervision so my younger sis and I were kept safe but no one stood up for my older sis. She was taught to put on a happy face and pretend. She did this till the day my grandfather died. She has HUGE problems now....my mother says she has a personality disorder (just an assumption) but I say she is just a very wounded woman. All that is to say that what you are doing is great. It's wonderful that you are talking to your son about this, assuring him that it's not his fault. Good for you for refusing to expose your son to the cousin! Good for you for protecting your son!!! Keep it up! The only thing I would advise you to do (and it looks like you are in the process) is to find a licensed Christia therapist who specializes in counseling children who've been abused.



WesP -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 9:02:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvmyboys

Thank You all so much for voicing what I have felt in my gut. It's hard to have all the 'in-laws' opposed to our decisions to protect our children. I contacted Focus on the Family to get recommendations for a Christian counselor in our area, and we hope to get our son some additional help.

How would you all suggest we go about handling situations like weddings etc? Should we just not attended?

Thanks!


It sounds like you are doing an outstanding job meeting his needs for healing. I have thought about this quite a bit, and I cannot think of a single reason to put them together in any situation. As far as future situations, you should probably ask someone to babysit while you attend or simply not attend. Please, do not let family make him feel like he is causing a problem. He definitely does not need additional guilt. This a heart breaking occurence. God bless and keep you and yours.



DaveW -> RE: NEED ADVICE: my son was molested... (5/2/2008 10:14:43 AM)

Putting him together with this person is just wrong headed IMO.

However, let me suggest another dynamic may be at work here. It is not just "family peace" these people want but their own peace. They do not want to think of any members of the family in a sexual way and the absence of your family is a glaring reminder to them of what happened. They do not want to think of it at all, let alone deal with it redemptively.



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