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Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 12:50:05 PM
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imaduh
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/11/2008
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Hi,
I have a question regarding my dad. I'm 15, my mother left when i was 8 and has never been envolved since. Its always just been my dad and i and we have always been close, but through a huge serious of events and some seriously bad choices on my part he has totally lost all trust in me. I know it takes time to regain trust but it seems like things will never be the same again and its really depressing. I miss the way things were and i really just wish i could repair it. Any pointers?
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 12:58:39 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1963
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quote:
I know it takes time to regain trust but it seems like things will never be the same again and its really depressing. I miss the way things were and i really just wish i could repair it. Any pointers?
If my daughter came to me and said what I quoted from you I think that would be more than enough to get things on the right track again.
Can you manage to say that directly to your dad? It would show a lot of maturity on your part.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 1:31:46 PM
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sylvan
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Understand that most fathers really care about their daughters. A father raising a daughter alone can't be easy, and I'm sure he only wants the best for you. You are getting older, and as children grow up they don't always see eye-to-eye with their parents on things. Your father needs to realize that you are your own person and that you are going to make mistakes (or do things differently than him - right or wrong aside). At the same time, you need to respect him even if it doesn't make you happy in the moment. Fathers don't often show their vulnerable side (especially in front of their children), but he likely has a lot of emotions going on. Love, fear, disappointment (maybe in himself), etc. I'm not sure what happened, but try to reassure him. I agree with the above poster. Tell him what you're telling us. I have a feeling that your father wants the same thing that you do - to be close again.
< Message edited by sylvan -- 5/5/2008 1:38:11 PM >
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 1:43:48 PM
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imaduh
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/11/2008
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quote:
Can you manage to say that directly to your dad?
I honestly dont know, i have attempted but it never comes out right.
I've said sorry a lot, but more less the response is "really sorry? or sorry you got caught?" And honestly, its more less a bit of both...which didnt seem to make him very happy. At the same time though he isnt one to hold a grudge and its kind of a whats done is done type thing but it still feels like things will never ever be the same :S
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 1:47:27 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
quote:
I know it takes time to regain trust but it seems like things will never be the same again and its really depressing. I miss the way things were and i really just wish i could repair it. Any pointers?
If my daughter came to me and said what I quoted from you I think that would be more than enough to get things on the right track again.
Can you manage to say that directly to your dad? It would show a lot of maturity on your part.
Ditto
I don't know your dad but I survived two teenage daughters so I can well imagine what the both of you are going through. Here is what you need to take away from your current situation. Your dad is treating you as society will if you are untrustworthy, only he actually cares (it may not seem like it, but he does) and has your best interests in mind. So, accept the consequences of your actions graciously and even appreciatively (it would be much worse if it were society in general), rebuild the trust (I believe it can be rebuilt, and in relatively short order), and most importantly, be totally honest and open with your dad. The up side is that you will have strengthened your relationship with him even further AND learned a valuable lesson on adulthood in a more kinder and gentler way.
One more thing. If your dad is typical for men, he understands a certain "word is my bond" code of honor. If your mistakes were carried out through deceit, i.e. you withheld info from him in order to do things he wouldn't approve of had he known (snuck around his back, as it were), then at least you haven't "broken your word" with him. That is fairly easy to recover from. Your word (with the conviction on your part to honor it) will probably suffice as long as you remain totally honest with him when he asks for information (his attempt to "close the loophole" which you snuck through in the past).
On the other hand, if you blatantly lied to him, you probably have a little more work to do. In that case, I would not only give him your word on things but also proactively provide information to him (tell him without him having to ask) to demonstrate your motivation to become trustworthy.
In the end, men appreciate honesty and openness most of all. IMO, as long as he can trust he is getting the whole story on your activities, he will trust you and even trust you with greater freedom.
< Message edited by gengwall -- 5/5/2008 1:54:08 PM >
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 2:38:14 PM
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ChoirDJ
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imaduh...you've just learned one of life's most important lessons when it comes to relationships and that is once you sever trust with a loved one, you could never regain it as before. This is why it is so important to not breach trust in the first place but we can't unring that bell. Part of the consequences is that you're dad may be so disappointed and hurt that he may never fully trust you as before and that's a consequence you'll have to accept as part of the package. However, it will get better as you put the past behind you and demonstrate a pattern of responsible behavior from this point forward.
I'm assuming you have a spiritual background since you are posting on a christian message board so I'll make this next point with that in mind. God calls us to have a godly sorrow about the things we've done and you admittedly have a mixed type of sorrow. You state you are sorry for what you did but you also state you are sorry you got caught, which raises the question in his mind about whether or not you would do it again if you couild get away with it next time.
As fathers, we want the best for our children and it's ever father's worse nightmare for his daughter to be taken advantage by some boy because it's usually the girls (and their families) that tend to get the short end of the stick. We were boys before men and fathers so we know what goes on in the minds of most boys and boys know what to say to girls to get them to do things we want them to do. I'm sure you know what I mean by that statement. It's better to have a father that may be a little over-protective than one who isn't protective enough so accept the boundaries he sets for you with a good attitude.
Wait for the godly man God will bring into your life someday so you wont have to deal with the pain of explaining to your future husband the things you'll be very ashamed about if you continue on the path you are on. Wouldn't you rather tell him you made some mistakes but learned early on to save yourself for him?
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Live each day as thought it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 2:50:26 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
quote:
Can you manage to say that directly to your dad?
I honestly dont know, i have attempted but it never comes out right.
I've said sorry a lot, but more less the response is "really sorry? or sorry you got caught?" And honestly, its more less a bit of both...which didnt seem to make him very happy. At the same time though he isnt one to hold a grudge and its kind of a whats done is done type thing but it still feels like things will never ever be the same :S
See ChoirDJ's excellent reply above. In addition, you need to understand that sorrow does NOT mean refraining from doing something you want because you'll get in trouble. Sorrow involves actually rejecting the thing you once embraced. Whatever it is that you did, you need to grow to the point where you understand why it was wrong and can turn your back on it. Until then, it would be hard for anyone to trust that you won't return to that behavior. I'm not making any assumptions that it will be easy to come to such a rejection of a "lust" (the desire of something forbidden) or idol (something you cherish more than God and your closest relationships) in your life. But that is what your dad is looking for and why he is not fully satisfied with your progress to date.
Below is a link to a great, great sermon on godly sorrow and repentance. It is by Spurgeon, so the language is a bit outdated. But even still, I suggest you read it through. It will help you understand what exactly it is your dad (and your Heavenly Father) is looking for from you to help rebuild that trust. If you have any questions on any of the portions of the message, feel free to post them or PM me.
Sorrow and Sorrow by C. H. Spurgeon
< Message edited by gengwall -- 5/5/2008 2:59:11 PM >
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
They have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths;
secondarily, they are slanders;
sixth and lastly, they have belied;
thirdly, they have verified unjust things;
and, to conclude, they are lying knaves
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 2:56:19 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 128
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Just the fact that you are posting here to get feedback from men, to understand his thinking and what he is going through and to try to bring reconciliation is a big step. It shows that he means a lot to you.
If you fumble over your words, try writing it all down. Men are visual, anyway, so having that for him to see and hold onto may be just as meaningful, if not more.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 4:36:57 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
I've been considering writting it down but was afraid it was to impersonal.
i dunno
Lol - don't you know, men relate perfectly fine to impersonal.
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
They have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths;
secondarily, they are slanders;
sixth and lastly, they have belied;
thirdly, they have verified unjust things;
and, to conclude, they are lying knaves
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/5/2008 7:06:33 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 135
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quote:
I wish i would have read your post a year ago. Its a little to late now, but seriously, very true.
Not sure how bad your situation is but it sounds like things could have gotten a lot worse. Making mistakes is part of the growing up process especially when you are in your teens. The important thing is that you learn from the mistakes so that you don't put yourself (and your loved ones) through unnecessary pain by repeating them. Someone once stated, "Good judgement comes from experience. And where does experience come from? Bad judgement."
...and I would agree with the previous poster that most men are perfectly fine with letters. Not to mention it gives you time to think about what you're writing and express your thoughts exactly how you want them to be received. It's not unusual for father's to be a little intimidating to talk to at your age.
< Message edited by ChoirDJ -- 5/5/2008 7:13:23 PM >
_____________________________
Live each day as thought it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 4:29:07 AM
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imaduh
Posts: 13
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u
quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Not sure how bad your situation is but it sounds like things could have gotten a lot worse.
it could have been worse i suppose but not by much honestly, but regardless. I understand your point, thanks for the replies :)
quote:
ORIGINAL: gengwall
Lol - don't you know, men relate perfectly fine to impersonal.
haha this is true...i'll try the letter then. Thanks guys :)
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 7:49:18 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1963
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
imaduh...you've just learned one of life's most important lessons when it comes to relationships and that is once you sever trust with a loved one, you could never regain it as before.
I think trust can be restored...but there certainly has to be honesty and accountability.
I also encourage you to try and think of the bigger picture. At 15 it's very common for you to see what you want NOW, but your Dad is not only looking at you now, but looking ahead for your future too. What kind of future do you see yourself having? What kind of future is he wanting you to have? Where do those two meet? Are the things you do now totally destroying the future your Dad is trying to help you achieve?
I raised my teenaged daughters alone when their mother died and we had several conflicts which may be similiar to the ones you are exp. but one thing I realized is a lot of it came down to what I wrote above. Their needs were focused on immed. gratification...wanting to "go out with this guy" or else I'll die mentality versus mine that was "this person will take you down the wrong road" kind of thing.
Something else to consider about choices- if the choices you are making are what is causing conflict with your dad...there may be a good reason for it...it may help you to list some of the choices, subjects or whatever here and let some of us give you a view from the dad's side of things.
Do you and your dad ever pray together? I am praying for you both and pray that you can pray together about this subject too.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 8:59:19 AM
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beauregarde
Posts: 391
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I'll reiterate 3 things:
1. Can you say what you said to us in your opening post to your Dad? He wants the relationship right, just as much a you (if not more).
2. My spoken word is my honor. It is a trust issue, and it needs to be rebuilt.
3. Speak to him, but write down what you want to say beforehand. Maybe you invite him out for ice cream or fries at McD's, so you can talk in neutral place.
Simpleness in approach is typically better received by men than elaborateness in approach.
< Message edited by beauregarde -- 5/6/2008 9:06:01 AM >
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 10:08:15 AM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
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I just want to add parenthetically here that you are getting some golden advice and insight from fathers here and it is stuff that VERY FEW 15 yo kids ever hear. Why? Because rarely is a 15 yo willing to listen. I commend you for the foresight to understand that maybe you don't have all they answers to all of the world's temptations and problems. If only your peers were so wise.
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
They have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths;
secondarily, they are slanders;
sixth and lastly, they have belied;
thirdly, they have verified unjust things;
and, to conclude, they are lying knaves
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 12:07:57 PM
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imaduh
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I tried to talk to him this morning. It didnt work well at all, i'm atleast 90% certain i give up.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 12:23:58 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 128
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Relationships are a mess...but a mess worth making (there's a book by that title by Paul Tripp & Timothy Lane). Never give up, but be patient, be trustworthy, and be respectful. You can't change him or the way he thinks or acts or responds, but only yourself. Focus on yourself. Desire the relationship & "do not be discouraged for doing good, for at the proper time it will reap a harvest."
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 12:35:41 PM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gengwallquote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
I've been considering writting it down but was afraid it was to impersonal. i dunno Lol - don't you know, men relate perfectly fine to impersonal. Very true. I was also going to say that you should write a letter to him. That way you can say everything you want to without interuptions and questions that can sidetrack the conversation. Anticipate what ever questions you can and answer them as honestly as you can in the letter. And remember, he may still be very hurt and frustrated from losing your mom and not handling that well which may carry over to relating to all women including you.
Many if not most men are just fine with something less personal. (many actually prefer it)
Believe me, If you can put your heart into the letter (without too much emotional stuff) he will come to you for a serious face-to-face and heart-to-heart.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 1:18:30 PM
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ChoirDJ
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Not sure of all the details of your situation but you confirm that it's pretty bad. Doesn't sound like your talk made much headway (but you never know). In either case, your demonstrating a constant pattern of responsible behavior over time is the only way to convince him that you have really learned from your past since actions speak louder than words. Perhaps he's feeling that you're not truly sorry and are just trying to manipulate him to loosen up the reins. Give it time.
_____________________________
Live each day as thought it were your last for one day you will be right.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 2:05:08 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
I tried to talk to him this morning. It didnt work well at all, i'm atleast 90% certain i give up.
imaduh, I wonder if you can give an honest and objective assessment of your attitude in these conversations. Attitude can mean everything when dealing with parent/child relationships. Most importantly, it can communicate to a parent whether or not a child should be taken seriously or dismissed. I can illustrate for you the attitude you should have, even though I know it will be really really hard. Read the prodigal son story (Luke 15:11-32), particularly verses 15-19. This is tough stuff but this is exactly the attitude we must put on when we have violated our parent's (and God's) trust in us. It is so humbling it can have physical manifestations.
In reality, your dad probably doesn't expect you to go to such extreems, but he also doesn't expect you to come with a haughty, stubborn, or continually defiant attitude. He won't have the time of day for that (which is correct because it is probably such attitudes that got you into trouble in the first place).
So, examine yourself and your attitudes. If there is a sense of pride or defiance left in you, it will be hard to have a communication breakthrough. BTW - did you read the sermon I linked. I continue to believe it will give you valuable insights in that self examination.
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
They have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths;
secondarily, they are slanders;
sixth and lastly, they have belied;
thirdly, they have verified unjust things;
and, to conclude, they are lying knaves
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 2:53:11 PM
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imaduh
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/11/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gengwall
I wonder if you can give an honest and objective assessment of your attitude in these conversations. Attitude can mean everything when dealing with parent/child relationships.
honestly i know my attitude isnt the best. But, its like he sees only that i screwed up and doesnt see that i've paid dearly for it. Thats why talking seems rather futile right now. I feel like I'm talking without being listened to at all. Its never been like this, we have always talked easily and openly about everything but now it feels like we are both hitting a brick wall. And yes, i did read the sermon, it is insightful :) thanks.
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 3:01:27 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
quote:
ORIGINAL: gengwall
I wonder if you can give an honest and objective assessment of your attitude in these conversations. Attitude can mean everything when dealing with parent/child relationships.
honestly i know my attitude isnt the best. But, its like he sees only that i screwed up and doesnt see that i've paid dearly for it. Thats why talking seems rather futile right now. I feel like I'm talking without being listened to at all. Its never been like this, we have always talked easily and openly about everything but now it feels like we are both hitting a brick wall. And yes, i did read the sermon, it is insightful :) thanks.
Well, I don't dismiss the idea that he is being stubborn too. It wouldn't be surprising. It may just take time. Let me ask you this, though, since you can only control the attitudes you own: why is your attitude not the best? Some reasons I can think of would be that you don't really think "it" is as bad as he is making it out to be, or you don't think it should be so hard for him to forgive you and move on, or you aren't really experiencing godly sorrow for "it", or you just wish things would go away and go back to the way they were. Those are wild guesses and I don't presume they are accurate. So, in your words, what is keeping you from being completely humble and contrite in this situation? (I know we are asking a lot from you. Consider that an honor, as there are few 15 yo's we would spend this amount of time on. It is only because your attitude is actually so positive that you are getting the wealth of responses you are getting. So be comforted in the knowledge that this deep inquiry is meant to push you over the top on this, a goal you are very close, I believe, to reaching.)
< Message edited by gengwall -- 5/6/2008 3:07:47 PM >
_____________________________
DOGBERRY on posters:
They have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths;
secondarily, they are slanders;
sixth and lastly, they have belied;
thirdly, they have verified unjust things;
and, to conclude, they are lying knaves
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 3:13:21 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1963
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
I tried to talk to him this morning. It didnt work well at all, i'm atleast 90% certain i give up.
Never give up. 30 yrs from now whatever issues you are having today will prob be something you both laugh about. I know it has turned out that way between my daughter's and I in many areas.
What exactly are your main points and what is his response?
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 3:37:04 PM
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imaduh
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/11/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gengwall
Well, I don't dismiss the idea that he is being stubborn too. It wouldn't be surprising. It may just take time. Let me ask you this, though, since you can only control the attitudes you own: why is your attitude not the best? Some reasons I can think of would be that you don't really think "it" is as bad as he is making it out to be, or you don't think it should be so hard for him to forgive you and move on, or you aren't really experiencing godly sorrow for "it", or you just wish things would go away and go back to the way they were. Those are wild guesses and I don't presume they are accurate. So, in your words, what is keeping you from being completely humble and contrite in this situation? (I know we are asking a lot from you. Consider that an honor, as there are few 15 yo's we would spend this amount of time on. It is only because your attitude is actually so positive that you are getting the wealth of responses you are getting. So be comforted in the knowledge that this deep inquiry is meant to push you over the top on this, a goal you are very close, I believe, to reaching.)
My dad is stubborn, very much so. But i would also be lying if i said he didnt have a good reason to be upset. But, on the same hand it annoys me that he seems to be completely unable to see me as anything but a lil kid. I realize that im 15, not 25 but still. We have ALWAYS been very close and he has always trusted me. A little to much maybe, but now it seems like we have reverted back in a huge way. The last few months have been awful, for both of us, and in a way i think i take things out on him and cop a tude with him simply because i know in the end he will always be there. Stupid, yes. But its the truth. As far as Godly sorrow, im somewhat torn. Yes, i'm sorry. But more so because i miss the way my life was than anything else.
quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
Never give up. 30 yrs from now whatever issues you are having today will prob be something you both laugh about. I know it has turned out that way between my daughter's and I in many areas.
What exactly are your main points and what is his response?
I am positive it will never be laughed at. Some points maybe. but not totally.
My only real main point..was i'm sorry. And it wont happen again.
yeah i know...real nice huh :(
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RE: Question for the dad type guys.... - 5/6/2008 4:40:27 PM
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gengwall
Posts: 213
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MN
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imaduh
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