Disrespectful teen (Full Version)

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crownofbeauty -> Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 9:50:31 AM)

Our 18 y/o daughter can be disrespectful at times (are there any teens that aren’t?). This morning as she was leaving for school, she called me out to the garage because the car was making a squealing noise. As she pulled out of the garage to leave, she ran into the garbage can that was left out for garbage pick-up. The garbage can was in the normal spot in the grass right off the corner of the driveway as it is every week. My daughter had no idea she knocked it over, so I motioned to her that she did and for her to go pick it up. She looked at me and said …”Great! Why did you leave it there??!” Then she disrespectfully called me a name for leaving it there! Now, it’s my husband that puts the garbage can out and not me and she is aware of that. She was placing blame on someone else for her error.

Obviously I had no time to talk to her since she had to leave for school or she would have been late. My husband was already at work, so I called him and told him what happened. He feels we should take the car away from her for the rest of the week except for school and work. Of course we will talk to her about her anger and disrespect as we have in the past, but this never seems to change her reaction with dealing with things as the present situation from this morning.

How have others handled similar disrespect with their teens? I feel we really failed somewhere for her to behave as she did this morning!



Row1 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 10:26:02 AM)

you haven't failed yet.
she may still apologize when she gets back home.

you have already come up with two ideas:

one: talk.

two: take the car away.

A very important aspect is that you and your husband get together on this issue, and all of them, and have a unified parental response.

If it were my stepdaughter (similar issues BTDT) I would only do the 2nd, and the only words I would use would be "give me my keys to my car, please."

I would, if she were interested in listening respectfully, inform her why I was taking the car keys. I would not answer the question of when they would be returned, except if I was in a really good mood...then I would say when I am ready to return my car keys to you to drive my car, I will return my car keys to you to drive my car.

I would then, behind closed doors, discuss with my wife when we ought to return the keys.



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 10:52:32 AM)

Generally she does end up apologizing for her words, however, I do feel there needs to be a consequence for her behavior this morning. Is taking away the car for the rest of the week too harsh? My husband and I will discuss this further, but those were his first thoughts.



pbaribeault -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 10:58:41 AM)

My response will be different if you can tell me whether these kinds of outbursts are relatively occasional (having a bad day, things going wrong, life issues adding stress, hormones fluctuating, and BOOM) or habitual (parents are good for nothing but what they can give you).

The first, obviously warrants more compassion and advice than the second, which warrants a pretty hard line. Either way it seems more like an issue of relationship (between you & her) and self-control (her) rather than a car issue... although the car privileged restriction might get her attention.

What I mean is that the problem was how she spoke to you - the idea that she was in the car when she spoke that way could just be a distraction.



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 11:09:49 AM)

When she has reactions such as this morning, it’s usually due to stress, angered about something, in a hurry, etc. She was definitely stressed this morning about the car squealing (which is why she called me to the garage). Then add to that, she backed into the garbage can. Regardless of why this happened, she shouldn’t have called me a name out of her anger, nor should she have blamed me for her backing into the garbage can. Whatever the cause for her outburst, I need to deal with her heart. Taking the car away will get her attention, but I’m not sure how effective it will be for the next situation. At the same time, she needs to realize she shouldn’t treat me as she did.



Calea37 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 11:17:02 AM)

I don't think taking the car away for a week is too much at all. If my teenager called me a name he wouldn't even be using the car for school. Also I would remind her that you are not her peer regardless of how old she is.



pbaribeault -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 11:19:27 AM)

So what she needs is...

(1) To understand the effects of angry outbursts on her close family relationships.
(2) To have some tools for better coping with stress.
(3) To understand that respect between adults in a situation of authority is different than childhood respect, but that it is still mandatory.
(4) To have a better heart-life so that ugly names do not overflow out of her mouth.
(5) To understand her abdication-of-responsibility in terms of her own self-anger, and to improve her self image to help avoid this.

A good plan of a parent-as-coach would be to help her address these issues. (1) & (3) should involve tangible consequences, but the others are equally important.



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 12:13:48 PM)

Those are some good thoughts for our conversation later.



1love1God1way -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 2:29:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crownofbeauty
Is taking away the car for the rest of the week too harsh?


Not even in the least.



Ephesians4_32 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 3:24:15 PM)

I think taking the car away for a week is way too harsh and will only cause resentment on her part. Is your husband always respectful to you or does he sometimes argue with you in front of your daughter? Children often (not always) learn disrespectful behavior from their parents.

Authoritative parenting works better than authoritarian. With the first, you maintain a respectful relationship with your child. With the second, neither of you has respect for the other.

Edited to say:

I misread your post! I thought you said taking the car away for a whole week. Your husband's advice sounds reasonable.



1love1God1way -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 3:29:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ephesians4_32

I think taking the car away for a week is way too harsh and will only cause resentment on her part.


That's interesting. I always viewed driving as a privilege, not as a right. And since my parents gave me my first car, and helped with insurance, they could take it away at any point.

I don't think taking away a vehicle for part of a week makes a parent authoritarian. It just means they are willing to put their foot down when their children are acting out.



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 4:05:28 PM)

She would only lose the car for everything except work and school. So, this would mean she wouldn't have a car to go out with her friends this weekend.

I was able to talk to her briefly after school before she left for work. She is under a lot of stress right now with finishing up things at school for graduation, and some other issues in life that are causing her stress. I did tell her I understand about stress, but that doesn't give her the right to talk disrespectfully and to not take responsibility for her error. I told her we would talk about it more and that her Dad and I will be discussing consequences as well.

I do realize that each of us handles stress in different ways. I know I'm far from perfect and may say things under stress I later regret saying. This is where I'm trying to understand the balance of how to handle this and whether taking the car away through the rest of the week may be too much.



Row1 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 4:06:27 PM)

ok i vote for at least a week also.

I belive that the big question to ask yourself is:

what are you afraid you will do to your daughter if you take the car for a week?

or

what will it mean about you, if you take the car for a week?



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 4:49:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Row1

ok i vote for at least a week also.

I belive that the big question to ask yourself is:

what are you afraid you will do to your daughter if you take the car for a week?

or

what will it mean about you, if you take the car for a week?


We have taken the car away from her in the past. While it did "hurt" her for that time of no car, I don't know how much effect it had on her "long term".



gengwall -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 5:03:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

So what she needs is...

(1) To understand the effects of angry outbursts on her close family relationships.
(2) To have some tools for better coping with stress.
(3) To understand that respect between adults in a situation of authority is different than childhood respect, but that it is still mandatory.
(4) To have a better heart-life so that ugly names do not overflow out of her mouth.
(5) To understand her abdication-of-responsibility in terms of her own self-anger, and to improve her self image to help avoid this.

A good plan of a parent-as-coach would be to help her address these issues. (1) & (3) should involve tangible consequences, but the others are equally important.

I like this response the best. It is balanced and contains a couple musts for a person at her stage in the transition to adulthood.

First, it shows her that expectations of respect and courtesy get bigger, not smaller, when you move into the adult world. In reality, there are far fewer people who will "take" this type of response out there in the real world. She needs to know that.

Second, it embodies "the punishment fits the crime" and doesn't blow the thing too far out of proportion. In reality, unless of course, you and your DH are always pleasant and polite with each other, a similar reaction might have eminated from either of you. Am I right? If so, she needs to see that along with balance in how adults treat each other comes balance in what type of consequences are involved. Certainly, adults can incur far greater consequences than children in certain situations. But this is probably not one of them and I think the balance needs to move more toward a measured adult consequence than a overbearing but instructional chilhood consequence.

OK - now please allow me my "lol of the day". My DD's are 20 and 22 (and wonderfully respectful adults...most of the time). I have only recently left where you are at. Hang on, only a few years left.



Sadey -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 6:41:17 PM)

My daughter would be walking to her job and to school if she ever ever treated me like that.

Don't make excuses for her behavior, being stressed does not mean its okay to treat your mom that way, unless this is how you've always let her act?
Does she treat her teachers like this when things are stressful at school. I bet not because the teachers wouldn't put up with it and your daughter knows t this.

Do your other children treat you like this? And I do think its time for Dad to lower the boom on her.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this drives me crazy when parents don't think they have a right to be treated with decency and respect by their own children.



Christian30 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/6/2008 10:18:06 PM)

Your husband is right, and Sadey and others gave good reinforcement. We have one child a little older than yours who has been severely rebellious, and name calling and blatant disrespect has been a part of it. Whether the behavior is parent learned is irrelevant.

As for being tired or stressed, I can assure you that people out there "in the world" will not let her off the hook with that excuse if she lashes out at people. For conscientious and loving parents, please remember that if you err, it is most often on the side of leniency anyway. My kids are grown, but there would be more consequences for sinful actions if I had it to do over again.



locomom -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 12:26:37 AM)

This is not harsh punishment. At this age you have to find what it will take to give up this behavior. It comes from a person's sin nature expressing itself in temper and self-centeredness. Although it warrants serious consequences, since your stepdaughter also warrants grace through a genuine and generous offer of help and prayer or just a shoulder to cry on.



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 7:09:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

My daughter would be walking to her job and to school if she ever ever treated me like that.

Don't make excuses for her behavior, being stressed does not mean its okay to treat your mom that way, unless this is how you've always let her act?


Sadey, I did tell her that stress doesn't give her the right to treat me the way she did. You may have missed that in my post above. She was trying to use it as an excuse, and I told her it wasn't an excuse.

My husband and I had a talk with her last night. The car is taken away from her through Sunday except for school and work. For those that suggest her walking to school, it would be impossible. She goes to a private school that is about 14 miles away and there are no buses that could take her there.

Thanks to all who gave their thoughts.



Brandy -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 7:37:03 AM)

crown how about taking the trash out is her job for a while? Redemption to the offended trash can and all. [;)]

I don't think a week without the car for EXTRA activities is harsh at all. At that age my mother would have had a lot worse. There would have been some hardy extra cleaning chores involving lots of soap. She liked to use cleaning as an exercise in self control. If my mouth offended her then I had to redeem myself to her with cleaning the things she hated most. Windows, outdoor patio furniture, lots of laundry etc.

It worked well to curb my mouth because if she caught me grumbling during the work... she added more.



crownofbeauty -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 8:22:42 AM)

Brandy, extra cleaning chores is a great idea!



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 12:53:20 PM)

I maybe completely off on this but you mentioned that stress is an issue. O.K. I'm not excusing rude behavior but when we are stressed what helps us most? Not adding more stress (ie punishment) but having someone understand and help take some of the stress off us. What can you do to help her morning go better? I would be looking at the stress issue too. She's 18, it is time to treat her like an adult.

just my opinion.
Kim Q



pbaribeault -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 1:03:36 PM)

When you are an adult and loose your temper with someone you live with, that person tends to become somewhat 'cooler' to you -- less inclined to be generous with things like cars.

When you are an adult and call someone who is in authority over you a nasty name, there are always consequences, whether immediate or eventual.

Punishment itself does not add stress, and it does not need to lack understanding. In fact, young adults (like toddlers) actually feel more secure if they know that they just aren't going to get away with out-of-hand behaviour. A young adult does not need shouted at, belittled, personally attacked, rejected or confused as far as what the offense was or how seriously it is taken. A calm application of a reasonable and predictable consequence reinforces a 'the world is a stable place' mentality, which is a strong antidote for stress.

A discussion of the unseen consequences of her actions on others is important information to share with her... Then you help her to manage her stress and make better choices next time.



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 1:26:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

When you are an adult and loose your temper with someone you live with, that person tends to become somewhat 'cooler' to you -- less inclined to be generous with things like cars.

When you are an adult and call someone who is in authority over you a nasty name, there are always consequences, whether immediate or eventual.

Punishment itself does not add stress, and it does not need to lack understanding. In fact, young adults (like toddlers) actually feel more secure if they know that they just aren't going to get away with out-of-hand behaviour. A young adult does not need shouted at, belittled, personally attacked, rejected or confused as far as what the offense was or how seriously it is taken. A calm application of a reasonable and predictable consequence reinforces a 'the world is a stable place' mentality, which is a strong antidote for stress.

A discussion of the unseen consequences of her actions on others is important information to share with her... Then you help her to manage her stress and make better choices next time.

O.K. but they've had the discussion. I am sure she get's it. Unless this is a pattern of behavior, (ie the daughter is always disrepectful) I think a corrective approach is better than a punitive one. When I mess up at work, even if the problem is my own fault, I much more appreciate a supervisor who helps me correct my behavior rather than punishes me.



Brandy -> RE: Disrespectful teen (5/7/2008 2:40:26 PM)

But this isn't work.

This is parent/child relationship.

At work I could get fired for popping off to my boss like that. I could get sent home for the day without pay.

It's not the same. A parent can't fire a child or send him/her somewhere else for the day.

A parent/child relationship is a learning one. Child learns not to disrespect parent based on the consequences she/he gets dealt out when an offense occurs.

And also, if the parent doesn't teach these skills NOW the child will be at a disadvantage later in work situations and that could easily lead to bouncing from one job to another due to not being able to handle stress and learn the life skills needed to navigate the adult world.



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