Verbal Abuse (Full Version)

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4agape -> Verbal Abuse (5/6/2008 2:25:41 PM)

I am in complete shock. My husband of 4 months (dated for 6 years) turned completely crazy on me. I feel a bit sorry for him because the last month a lot of changes happened in his family. We are both Christians and we have been doing fine. My husband has a history of verbal abuse and sometimes he says things that really hurt. Its usually when something is going on.

Within the past month, his father has been placed in jail (he is an immigrant), his younger brother is in prison (will be getting out is a few months), and his older brother has been living with us for almost a month. His older brother use to live on the streets and is addicted to drugs and alcohol. His brother was doing really well and had not done drugs since he was living with us. My husband told him he could stay with us, but if he was going to drink, until he got help, he could only drink out side and not get drunk. He could only drink to maintain (from withdraws) until he got help. His brother agreed. His brother had been attending church with us and was very receptive. You could see small changes in his brothers life. He was happy and would cry while he thanked us for helping him out. He really wanted to change his life. Everyone seen it.

To be honest, my husband cannot deal with stress at all. He explodes. Last night him and his brother got into it. His brother was drunk and my husband started arguing with him. I tried to speak to his spiritual side and his comments floored me. I could not believe some of the things he told me. When I told my husband that he was approaching the situation wrong, he told me things he had never told me before. My husband was arguing with a drunk man. A man that he vowed to help regardless of his situation. I really do think that my husband lacks wisdom. He turned a situation that was managable and avoidable into a complete mess. He cursed me out when I was asking him to not argue with his brother and not yell. His brother was drunk and he was not. I felt so bad for his brother because his brother had came a long way. Now I felt like my husband was ruining. My husband was not acting like a Christian and his brother called him on it. I was thinking the same thing his brother was thinking. I was just in shock as his brother. After he had argued with his brother, he was going to take him to a bus station to go back to the place he had been living on the streets. On the way there, my husband acted in a manner that almost convienced me that maybe he is living a lie. He pulled the car over and kick his brother out of the car. His brother was drunk with a messed up foot from a surgery. He blamed it all on his brother.

My husband behaved in a way that really scared me. I have never in the past 7 years seen him act like this. When he is angry, he will not listen to me; nor does he have any respect for me. He gets angry but not the way he did this time. He was acting like he wanted to fight his brother. I have never seen anyone act this way. I don't ...

I told him that we are not fighting a physical war; but a spiritual one. I later told him he was not using his wisdom and was not dealing with the situation appropriately. I was trying to help him and I said this between him and I and not in the presence of anyone else. He responded surprisingly with a [edited]. I was floored and did not know what to say. I just rebuked his behavior. I don't know what to do.

He also takes meds for his anxiety. I do not agree with it, but he feels like it helps him. He takes a pill every time he feels like he is unable to control his anxiety and sometimes just because of pressure.

I guess my question is.....what do I do? I am hurt and I have not been talking to him. I no longer get sad, but angry. I don't weep anymore, but rather I get extremely angry with him. I just don't talk to him because we will only argue. He will not listen to what I have to say regarding my feelings. I feel like it will only lead to another argument.

I told him that what had happened between his brother and him was his fault. He had more knowledge and understanding of the bible and acted in complete contradiction to the bible. His brother even told him that. He behaved so bad that he does not even see it. I told him and he does not believe me. Now he had been taking his anger out on me verbally. Putting blame on me for small things that make no difference.

What would be my first step in communicating with my husband? I honestly feel that he had no respect for me. Nor does he respect what I say obviously. I can't ignore his behavior. I feel awful. I wish he could respect what I say and understand that the things I tell him is not to put him down but to help him grow spiritually.

I know this relationship will be headed for the worse if my husband does not start taking my feeling seriously. I feel like I am starting to build a wall to protect myself. I want so bad to connect with husband in unity. I feel like he could care less at times. He really does have problems but how do I get him to listen to me.

WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? hE WILL NOT GO TO COUNSELING!



MrsOliver -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/6/2008 4:52:10 PM)

4agape:
I feel for you. I have walked in your shoes and more. From my experience my first advice is for you to spend as much time as you can before the throne of Grace. Put on praise and worhship music, close yourself off from the rest of the world, in your room or go for a drive in the car. Pray, seek God's direction. Start thanking God for every thing 'good' in your husband. Start asking God to soften your heart towards him so you can respond with a "gentle word". (A gentle word turns away wrath). It is so easy to get caught up in the mess. but you have to separate yourself from it, emotionally and spriritually. I know it is difficult. I have been there, mine last consistently in my first marriage for 10 yrs and my second marriage went 5 yrs. Now, it no longer exists, and that is why I am giving you my advice. What I am telling you, is how GOD worked through me to heal my marriage.
You have to pray for you husband, you have to see what God sees in your husband and you have to love him through the mess.
Your husband is angry because he has built up unforgiveness/resentment/bitterness and I am sure a whole bunch of other issues going on in his heart. IT could be from childhood and built upon since, but it appears that his brother being around has triggered some deep wounds from his past. In saying all of this, you have to have the mindset, #1 that you don't recieve his words of abuse. Leave the room, take a walk, simply say to him, "I don't know who you are talking to, because that is not me". and walk away. What ever you do...don't get angry, don't respond in anger. if you continue to do that, he will never have to look at his own actions, he will continue to see you as the problem. You can not go to that emotional level with him.
ONLY GOD can give your husband a 'clean heart' which is where all of this is coming from. YOU MUST pray for healing in him. And it may get worse before it gets better. Think of it as cleaning the garage. God doesn't just let us take a sheet and cover it all up and pretend like it isn't there. He sweeps out all the cracks until we are clean. You may see him getting worse in his words or actions, but understand that is a good thing, when you have been praying...it means things are being stirred up. Just go pray for him. You are a KEY ELEMENT in your husbands ability to get through this. You have to keep him in constant prayer especially against the enemy.
As you said, it is a battle of spiritual warfare...so YOU stop fighting it in the flesh. Satan wants to get your husband twisted up, so you will fight and potential split up. He has a plan. You let God fight it.
GOD WILL CHANGE YOUR HUSBANDS HEART BECAUSE OF YOUR PRAYERS! Don't try and change his attitude...just leave the room and go pray for him...GOD WILL DO IT!
Gain YOUR STRENGTH from God!! Don't look for your husband to be "the husband you desire" right now. He can not even be the man HE desires right now. You can bet your husband knows he isn't right in what he is doing and saying. So you don't have to tell him that. Let God soften his heart. Don't show your husband and feelings of shame or judgement. Your husband needs to know that you believe in HIM. Who God says he is! Not how he is acting. He is acting from a place of brokenness and needs your agape love, if you can give it to him. Don't pull away. You must love him through this.
I had to make a list of my husbands great/good qualities and placed them on my bathroom mirror. I read them daily, and he saw what I thought about him. It took me two days to come up with 65 statements, but I wasn't stopping until i had 50, and God gave me 15 more! Focus on what God says about your husband, don't focus on the lie from the enemhy. The devil wants you to believe your husband "is" how he is "acting". you must seperate the two. When he is saying mean things to you, you can simply say to him, "regardless of what is coming out of your mouth, I know who you are underneath it all, and that is the man I fell in love with and married! What ever is going on inside of you, we will get through".
Don't fall prey to his words. Just don't receive them. Just because someone calls you a name, doesn't make you that name.
Pray for strength in your husband, DISCERNMENT OF THE SPIRITS, and for God to soften his heart! GOD WILL HEAR YOUR PRAYER AND MOVE!!!
I pray your blessed and I will pray for you and your family.
Mrs. Oliver



MrsOliver -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/6/2008 5:10:46 PM)

okay, I guess I wasn't done yet..lol
The hardest part for me was realizing, God can change my husband. I didn't have to try and do it any more. I desired him to talk to me, and we went through several months more than a yr. of him not having a real conversation with me. You can bet I tried everything under the sun. Finally God talked to me, after hours and hours of being in HIS presence.
you see God, doesn't need anything more than your prayers, to work with your husband and some times, if not a lot of the times, we wives get in the way of what God is trying to do in our husbands. We want them to be whole and healed so desperately and we want them to fullfill our needs as well.
Let God fill your need of loneliness and allow God the space to work in your husbands heart. Allow him time to think about what he says and does. Allow him time to 'miss you'. Don't always be the first to try and have the conversation.
And if you can, AFTER YOU PRAY, write your husband a letter and tell him why and how much you 'respect' him. And if you can read, "Love and Respect". it is a fabulous book for us wives to read.
There are some things going on in your husbands heart that he isn't willing to face or share at this point in time...that is why there is so much new emotions that you see.
But your husband needs to know that he is 'safe' with you. That means safe from your judgement, safe from your oppinion, and safe from your anger. Just be available to him and over communicate your belief in him, your respect for him and your standing beside him as he leads your family.
That "for better or worse" part of our vows is a tuffy to understand. Because we want it with in our boundaries. but GOD!!! God is teaching you in this as well. HE will teach you how to depend on HIM more and trust HIM with your husband more.
let go and let God!! STay in your word so you can stay 'gentle in your words".
your husband needs you more than you realize right now.



4agape -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/6/2008 7:36:04 PM)

Thanks for your reply and prayers. You sound like a very wise woman.

I guess my next question would be how do I keep from hating him. I feel like I would respond differently if he seemed to be changing, but is appears that he is getting worse. If he seemed to be trying to fix his problem and apologize to what he does to me, I think I would feel different. However, he blows it off and pretends that what he did does not exist.

Now I am the one with a heavy heart and I tend to look like a mess emotionally.

I try to tell myself that he really doesnt know what he is doing, but he does know. He knows and does it intentionally at times.

Oh well....I guess I will keep on praying.

Wait....Should I talk to him about what he done and how it makes me feel.

Sorry....just desperate.



Ashyah -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/8/2008 12:13:54 AM)

Before you go to him and talk to him about how he made you feel..first take it to prayer. Ask God to give you wisdom and guidance.

Understand that your husband is going through a lot with his immediate family being in the situations that they are in.

Give him some room before you approach him.

Because we are Christians doesn't mean we are perfect only God is.We must turn to God during our trials. Must not take it into ourselves.

Find yourself a mature woman in Christ to talk to.

I pray that the Lord heals these people. And, that he heals your marriage in his holy name Amen.



MrsOliver -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/8/2008 1:14:59 PM)

I know it is hard. You are over loaded with emotions and desperate for change. Believe me, I know! The only thing you can do to make your situation better is release your feelings, heart ache, brokenness and 'mess' to the Lord. He is waiting for you to see that HE is all you need. A book that really helped me in my season of "coming out" is called "Captivating". This book taught me I was puting my husband before God in the respect of time and attention. Of course it isn't positive, because you, like me are so angry with him and hurt by him. But what I had to understand was, I NEEDED my husband to fulfill me..my needs and emotions couldn't get filled with out him. That was my form of 'worshiping' my husband. I spent weeks, a lone in my bed room, on my knees. Starting with praise and worship music, crying for what seemed to be days on end to get all the pain out, then i would read a few chapters out of "Captivating" before I went to bed. My husband was a very angry person, very depressed and completely 100% disconnected from me. I Bounced from one emotion to the next...desperate to 'fix' the problem, help him to see the light of day and his own actions. Nothing I did....helped anything. IT made me more desperate, he pushed me away more and we ended up just not speaking to each other. It was the loneliest, isolated place I had ever experienced. BUT GOD!! What I want you to see is we, as wives have to depend on God more than our husbands. I know how desperate you feel and how badly you want him to recognize what he is doing and saying. But you can't. ONLY GOD can! you have to go the alter and leave it there. That means find your 'closet' place. your quiet place. Your place to shed it all before God and truly let go of everything, desperates thought and feeling you have.
I know it is hard to see and believe but God loves your husband more than you do. HE is disappointed in his behavior and hurts his heart more than it hurst yours. You must trust HIM to work from the inside out. There will be a time for you to share you feelings and God will show you when that is. IT will also be a time, when your husband 'wants' to hear it. Pray that God give you wisdom into when and what to say. I know it seems unfair when we are treated rotten and then we don't get to defend ourselves or have any control over making it right with in our hearts. BUT GOD!!! God will make it right and it will be better than you have ever thought it could be.
you are in the fire! this is what I experienced as my fire as well. We all go through something that stretches us beyond what 'we think we can handle". God is growing you in this situation. He needs for you to trust him with your whole heart, your whole mind and your whole soul!
Get with a ladies group or Bible study. Or find an older lady in your church to help mentor you and walk you through this. You can do this!! YOU CAN!! But you have to seperate yourself from your husband emotionally and spiritually. IT is so awesome when you come out of the fire!!! you will still be tested in this area..but it wont be even a tenth as hard as it is right now.
God Bless you my friend. God is Able!!!!! and he wants to!!!
PM me if you want! [sm=wave.gif]
Mrs. Oliver



MrsOliver -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/8/2008 1:30:47 PM)

quote:

I guess my next question would be how do I keep from hating him. I feel like I would respond differently if he seemed to be changing, but is appears that he is getting worse. If he seemed to be trying to fix his problem and apologize to what he does to me, I think I would feel different. However, he blows it off and pretends that what he did does not exist.

Now I am the one with a heavy heart and I tend to look like a mess emotionally.

I try to tell myself that he really doesnt know what he is doing, but he does know. He knows and does it intentionally at times.


The only way you can keep from hating him, is to forgive him! forgiveness is the oposite of Hate!!!! IT doesn't make what he did right or acceptable. it says, "God I hand this brokenness over to you" .
What you need and want from him right now...you aren't going to get. You have to give God time to soften his heart, talk to his heart. As soon as I started trusting God in my marriage and with the issues of my husband....IMEDIATELY, my husband started changing...and then he came to a JESUS MOMENT!!! it was his fire, his breaking point and met and fell in love with the REAL JESUS!!!! IT will happen for you too!
Accept you can only work on you and what God calls you as a wife..and let God take care of your husband!!! HE WILL!!!



buckifn -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/8/2008 2:08:47 PM)

4

If someone else hasn't mentioned this already...I just want to ask if your husband has received medical treatment lately, and if his doctor is aware that he is taking the medication you indicated on a sporadic basis?

I would think that could have serious health risks, but I am not a dr. so don't know for sure...however, just reading it causes me concern enough to suggest you address this with your husband and his dr.

When people are not taking medications correctly it can often make them act irrationally.



4agape -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/8/2008 7:41:46 PM)

Thanks for all of your comments. You guys have really encouraged me. As far as my husbands meds, the doctor prescribed them to him. He takes them as prescribed. I don't think there is a connection with his outburst and his meds. He has been diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress disorder from his childhood....as you can see was obviously awful.

I just realized something....aside from my husband's anger, my husband has really changed a lot of his ways....compared to 7 years ago....he is a completely different man.....and he loves the Lord....I am thankful...... That really does give hope.


thanks guys!



buckifn -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/8/2008 8:39:53 PM)

quote:

He also takes meds for his anxiety. I do not agree with it, but he feels like it helps him. He takes a pill every time he feels like he is unable to control his anxiety and sometimes just because of pressure.


this is what stood out to me... here is a web link that may have some information that helps you understand what your husband is experiencing..if he won't go to family counseling maybe you could consider going yourself to learn skills that help you cope.

As you will find from this site anger is a very common element of PTSD.


http://www.concernedcounseling.com/Communities/Anxiety/anxieties/6trauma/intro1.htm



firefly31784 -> RE: Verbal Abuse (5/9/2008 6:04:22 PM)

I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my marriage. What really helped was always trying to remember to not go on the defense or immediately point out his bad behavior.

It is very difficult, but if you can when it happens again try to remember that you love each other and how you don't want to be angry with each other. Then rephrase what your about to say for example. It's your fault your brother is back on the streets to What's going on I've never seen you act this way? That way you go to the root of the problem.

Also let him know how much it hurts you and how you feel disrespected as a wife. Open your heart when you tell him. If he realizes how much he is hurting you he may try to change. My husband did, but every situation is different.

Hope this helps...



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