Special Day for you (Full Version)

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freakofnature -> Special Day for you (5/6/2008 2:32:37 PM)

Ladies;

About three weeks ago, I discussed with my wife planning a day, I thought would be, just the two of us. We have 4 children, and we live in Florida, so I had planned on, while the kids were at school, her and I could take part of the day, hang out at the beach, and then pretty well do whatever we wanted. Apparently my wife did not take it that way. So that planned day was yesterday and I went to take the kids to school, my wife flips out, she thought I was going to allow the kids to stay home and we could all go together. Instead then she gets really upset and tells me to get out, go do whatever I want, she isn't going and not to talk to her. So, even though shocked to find out I hadn't meant for the kids to go and taking that with glee, she completely shut down.

A little background, English isn't her first language although she speaks rather fluently with a heavy accent. 2nd) we have been married only 4 years, I came in with 3 kids and she brought one into the marriage.
She claims in a half hearted non-apologetic discussion on the matter that she isn't about dumping the kids off anywhere and just going to do whatever. Mind you, I brought up the fact that there have been numerous times that we have went out, after hiring a babysitter. She then says that is different. I told her my thought was this way we didn't have to hire and pay for a babysitter. Also, she had the day off work already as scheduled, I had to take the day off.

SO..ladies... where did I go wrong??? I am still at odds with trying to figure out what exactly happened.



Elena1030 -> RE: Special Day for you (5/6/2008 2:59:32 PM)

I don't think you did anything wrong, per se.

What you have is a miscommunication instance.

1. What did you say when you discussed your idea the first time?
2. What did you not say but thought would be understood as part of what you did say?
3. What did your wife hear you say?
4. What was her interpretation of what you said?

Also... investigate how her unspoken/unwritten family "codes" worked in her family growing up. And the role her culture played.

For example, Hispanic families usually hold family time as very important. How much the father and mother spend time together away from their children might vary from household to household.

I wonder if Mom-and-Dad date time is viewed differently in American culture...

Ask her if she associates nighttime dates as OK for just the two of you but if taking a daytime outing is always, in her mind, something that should include the entire family. See if you can dig underneath her view----find out what values she has, what her perceptions are about such things. Try to understand her point of view.

Also... you might have to work to communicate to her how much spending one-on-one time with her away from the children means to you and WHY it means that much and WHY it is different in nature/quality than time spent as parents and kids.

So... there are various facets to this issue. You can discuss all these things and work to understand each other better.

It's part of the oneness process, I believe.


Blessings upon you, your wife, and your entire family!!

~Elena~



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Special Day for you (5/6/2008 5:20:30 PM)

I agree with the other poster. I don't think you did anything wrong and I think your wife totally over-reacted. Is she more attached to the kids than to you? I would love for my husband to do something like that. I wonder if there are some deeper issues going on. Were the kids upset? Maybe she had told them already and she was embarrased?



42servehymn -> RE: Special Day for you (5/6/2008 9:29:25 PM)

It sounds to me like you got it right and your wife got it wrong. I think she owes you an apology.



freakofnature -> RE: Special Day for you (5/6/2008 9:48:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ladyingrace1979

I agree with the other poster. I don't think you did anything wrong and I think your wife totally over-reacted. Is she more attached to the kids than to you? I would love for my husband to do something like that. I wonder if there are some deeper issues going on. Were the kids upset? Maybe she had told them already and she was embarrased?



Thank you for your responses. And to be honest, no, she hadn't told them yet. She told me that she wanted it to be a surprise to them as well so she hadn't told them anything. They went to school just as usual, never knowing a thing happened. She is very family oriented, she is hispanic and I know in their culture it is always family first. But what had/has me baffled is that we have gone out just the two of us on several occasions, but always in the evening and having to hire a babysitter, I just wanted to try and change things up a little bit, cut cost and have a good day????



ladyingrace1979 -> RE: Special Day for you (5/7/2008 1:31:50 PM)

Have you had a chance to talk to her about it? I'm sort of stumped like you. I honestly don't think you did anything wrong. This maybe one of those things guys get to chalk up to not understanding women..lol.
Kim Q



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: Special Day for you (5/8/2008 11:38:57 AM)

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........ it sounds like this could be a culture difference to me.

It would be worth talking it out in the near future...



freakofnature -> RE: Special Day for you (5/8/2008 2:26:27 PM)

I have had an opportunity to speak with her about it and things are good now, in fact even on the evening I posted this question, things were okay. And I have to be honest I was taken aback quite a bit by her actions there that morning and was severely hurt. Culturally speaking, there is a difference in that it is always family first with Hispanic woman or at least her and her friends that I know, they all seem to be family first. But the problem I had was that her and I have went out in the evening on several several occassions. I did not realize that the cultural differences had a time zone?? (LOL)



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: Special Day for you (5/8/2008 3:54:26 PM)

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...... lol!

My dad is Hispanic.... my mom is Scottish....

Our family is interesting!!!

;o)


Glad to hear that you guys worked things out.... Best of wishes for the next time around!!!



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