Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (Full Version)

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astockto -> Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 2:35:07 AM)

Hi....

I am in a quandary. My husband and I have been married 2 years now. He's talking baby names, and I've vetoed most of his suggestions (what kid wants to be called Agrippa the rest of his life??), and I'm a bit scared.

I have a great job, the one I've wanted since I was about 7 years old. He is floundering around trying to find something he actually likes doing. He refuses to attempt some obvious options - temp work, internships, etc. I do everything in the house, its like I'm his mom sometimes! I have to either beg, bargain sex, or scold ruthlessly to get him to get up off the couch or video games and put his pile of socks (been there for a week) in the hamper. And thats the easiest chore to convince him to help out with. I've tried to be supportive but its really weighing on me, and he recently cornered me into moving us out of the old apartment alone, when we agreed before moving we'd take months and months to move.

I am petrified of having a child right now. It would be okay if he would (a) really figure out his career situations, or (b) agree to be a good house-husband and take care of the baby and occasionally cook or clean. So my question is, how do you tell your hubby, firmly but kindly, no, not until you do (a) or (b), and another question, is (b) really an okay option?

I know its not single parenthood on a minimum wage salary, but I really need people who have parented in difficult situations to help me come back to reality and say "okay, this is not scary, this is life."



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 2:44:46 AM)

I'm not a parent, but it might help to clarify for those that will respond, are you pregnant, or not pregnant but thinking about becoming pregnant?



astockto -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 2:49:50 AM)

Thank you, bless you. Not pregnant. We had a scare, went on for a couple months then a spontaneous miscarriage. I think the Lord was looking out for us, not in killing a baby but in sending us a fake pregnancy to wake us up. Hubby is all into it now, and wants a baby. I woke up and realized that we need to be very very careful right now.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 7:12:18 AM)

Ummm...just a warning here. You want to be very careful how you refer to miscarriage. "Fake pregnancy" does not result in miscarriage. If you were pregnant and miscarried, that was a baby. Even if it doesn't bother you, the way you wrote of it can be seriously hurtful to other women who've lost babies. [&:]



PrincessDonna -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 8:35:53 AM)

Are you both believers?

Your home life sounds similar to ours before my husband was saved. He could not (rather...would not) keep a job for more than a month or two and didn't help around the house either. I worked full-time and when our first baby was born, I had to pay for daycare because I couldn't even count on him to take care of the baby even though he was home. I strongly advise getting some couples counseling if that is likely to be your situation. If your husband is wanting to have a baby badly, he should be willing to change some things that need changing first.

The good news...God got ahold of my husband and he is becoming a wonderful man of God. He has now worked the same job for over 4 years and I am able to stay at home and take care of our children and home. Just because something is not good right now doesn't mean that God can't change it. However, YOU cannot change your husband so don't even bother trying (easier said than done, I know). Pray daily for God to grow your husband and make him the true head of your home. Also, don't forget to treat him with respect even if he has not earned it yet. Men sometimes need that respect before they can act in a way worthy of respect, if that makes sense...



gengwall -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 9:19:14 AM)

A book you must read - "Married But Not Engaged" by Paul and Sandy Coughlin. It will explain everything.



lexie -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 10:03:55 AM)

I was in a similar situation to Donna's and to yours. When our daughter was born, Dh was working temporary contract jobs, that he was being offered through people he knew. He had a degree in a specific field, but could not get into it. When our daughter was 15 months, Dh finally got a job in his field.

In reality it is not that hard to get by with a child on one wage (I have always been a stay at home mom, and wife before our daughter was born). We did this, and still do it on an uncertain salary. You have to make some sacrifices, and it takes a lot of work (budgeting, deal-hunting, money management), but it can be done when you put your mind to it.

You need to pray and pray for your husband. Like Donna, it wasn't until we gave it completely up to God and allowed Him fully into our home that things began really working out for us. Continue to be a loving and faithful wife to him, and keep up your end of the Biblical responsibilities. I know it may be tough to do all the work and cleaning and cooking, but I honestly feel that if you start slacking because he is slacking, you won't get anything but a dirty house out of it.

Talk to him gently. Tell him you know he wants to have a baby and so do you. But, in order to raise that child in the best way you both can, some changes need to be done in the home. Don't just pile the blame on him, or make the conversation "you do this" and "you don't do that" but talk about what you think will work best for the household.

I told my husband that I don't mind him playing video games for hours and hours, as long as it's after he's come home from a day of work.



woodwind228 -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 11:47:29 AM)

I'm a single mom with 2 kids...it can be done "on your own" so to speak, but that's not really the way God intended. It sounds like hubby is excited about the idea of a baby but probably doesn't get the responsibility part of it. It's not just something he can play with when he wants to...it's a lifetime commitment. The only advice I could give is to pray and to try not to get pregnant. You can't change your husband, but God can. Put your trust in Him.



cindybode -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 7:06:59 PM)

The short answer is that your husband needs to grow up. He's acting like a little boy - he wants what he wants when he wants it, and in the meantime you are supposed to take care of him and everything else. Please don't have kids till he gets his head on straight.

Your husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He's not doing that. He needs to be told, in words of one syllable, that he's not doing that. Christ served others. I somehow doubt that He made the disciples pick up his dirty socks. [&:]

quote:

Also, don't forget to treat him with respect even if he has not earned it yet. Men sometimes need that respect before they can act in a way worthy of respect, if that makes sense...


Sorry, Donna, I love ya, but that teaching probably did more damage in my marriage than almost anything else. [:'(]

If it were me, I'd tell my husband that there was no way I would even think about having children until he decided to start acting like an adult. You don't have to be quite so blunt, of course (although I would), but the bottom line is that you need a partner who can raise this child with you. You shouldn't be expected to raise your husband.



buckifn -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 7:21:59 PM)

quote:

"Fake pregnancy" does not result in miscarriage. If you were pregnant and miscarried, that was a baby. Even if it doesn't bother you, the way you wrote of it can be seriously hurtful to other women who've lost babies.


yikes...it's not just women who would be bothered by that either.

Does your husband attend church? Involved in a men's group? Have any christian fellowship with other men?

It sounds like he needs to grow up and be a man before thinking about anything as serious as being a father. A man who needs a woman to tell him to stop playing a video game, put his laundry away, get a job, and other such things needs to grow up. Sorry, I don't know any other way to put it.

I don't know how old the two of you are, but his actions sound like mine did when I was a jr. in h.s. except I was trained to put up my laundry by 3rd grade.



PrincessDonna -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 8:35:04 PM)

quote:

Sorry, Donna, I love ya, but that teaching probably did more damage in my marriage than almost anything else.


I know that teaching has been misused by some. What I'm referring to is not being a doormat to abusive behavior though (abusive behavior being a very huge spectrum that does not have to involve physical abuse at all).

What I meant, what I have learned through my own marriage, is that I am responsible for how I respond to my husband...whether what he is doing is right or wrong. My response can still be respectful, even if what he is doing is very hurtful. And in showing that small amount of respect, and also letting him know I expected more of him, things changed...slowly, but they changed. In a way it seemed like it freed God up to move in Brian's life, because I stopped trying to do the Holy Spirit's job.



Auben -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/15/2008 8:42:38 PM)

I agree with a mix of Donna and Cindy.

Some men aren't really taught to be disciplined. Some men don't have linear personalities. Either one makes for some frustrating years in early marriage.

The things you love about him and married him for are often the things that drive you crazy. Remember that when you're dealing with him and give grace.

Now isn't a good time to have a baby. That's it. If he asks you can tell him calmly and honestly that certain things about your marriage are not decided enough or stable enough for a child. That you would love to have a child but you're worried about becoming overwhelmed. Don't say it vindictively. Don't say 'I won't have a child because you're lazy.' Just let him know that you feel overwhelmed and overly-responsible in the marriage and you're not comfortable enough to bring a child into it.

Offer to attend counseling with him. It might help. Sometimes its hard for men to face up to this aspect of themselves without feeling unmanly. It helps to have another (especially another man) say all of this.

Next, stop begging, bargaining, or scolding. You're not his mother. Let there be some consequences. Let him know you're tired of all the extra work and that you'd like a time limit on certain chores. Come up with a fair limit together. Discuss consequences. For instance, after 48 hours socks disappear. They will not be washed. They will not be returned to his drawer. They just disappear. Give him a corner in the basement or something. If he wants them he will have to take the extra time to get them and wash them and they will be out of your face. Don't wash his laundry. Don't pick up his messes. If the messes bother you either learn to live with it or do the same thing you did with the socks. Throw all his stuff in a laundry basket and give him a section of the basement. Pile it up all you want and let him sift through it when he needs it.

If you come at this as a way to make you feel better, a way to make things fairer and remove the yelling, most men will tolerate it (some will welcome it). It gives them choices and removes the personal element in what's going on. This is not vindictive. You can be very loving and do these things. You are protecting yourself from someone who does not know how to do the give-and-take of marriage. You are letting him learn courtesy through experience. You are giving him time to learn. When he has matured your marriage can move to a more give-and-take model where he is responsible for some things and you are responsible for some things.

Make some rules and lay down your burden under those rules. You will feel better (and we hope) he will learn to discipline himself. I wish you the best. This is similar to something I experienced with my husband, only he had a job and we had a honeymoon baby. [;)]



artemis -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/16/2008 9:12:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: astockto

Thank you, bless you. Not pregnant. We had a scare, went on for a couple months then a spontaneous miscarriage. I think the Lord was looking out for us, not in killing a baby but in sending us a fake pregnancy to wake us up. Hubby is all into it now, and wants a baby. I woke up and realized that we need to be very very careful right now.


Wow. Being pregnant is a scare and losing the baby is God looking out for you??? That makes me nauseous. If your husband doesn't know that this is how you feel, he needs to. As long as you feel that way, you do not need to bring a baby into your family.

My husband and I have been married for 7.5 years and I've wanted a baby since the day we got married, but waited 7 years to start trying for him to be ready. If you don't both want a baby, it won't be an ideal situation. Do-able, but not ideal.



gengwall -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/16/2008 9:38:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindybode

Your husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He's not doing that. He needs to be told, in words of one syllable, that he's not doing that. Christ served others. I somehow doubt that He made the disciples pick up his dirty socks. [&:]

quote:

Also, don't forget to treat him with respect even if he has not earned it yet. Men sometimes need that respect before they can act in a way worthy of respect, if that makes sense...


Sorry, Donna, I love ya, but that teaching probably did more damage in my marriage than almost anything else. [:'(]
Well, this sure caught my attention. Things just got interesting.

Let me see if I get this straight. You agree with the teaching in Ephesians 5 that men should unconditionally love their wives, but you dismiss the parallel teaching in the same chapter that wives should unconditionally respect their husbands. One wonders if you also fall into the "I will never submit to my husband" crowd and deny the other contentious (for feminists at least) assigment in this passage of the Husband as "Head" of the family. How do you justify such cherry picking of biblical teaching?

Donna not only is suggesting an adherence to strict biblical teaching, but also an adherence to sound biblical advice. Peter says pretty plainly that treating your husband with respect is an effective means to "snap him out of" disobedience.

astockto - in addition to the book I already recommended, I can also recommend Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". This one may be a bit more challenging to you now, but down the road, as things improve, it can help accelerate the improvement. Is still think "Married..." is a must read for you right now.



evryknee -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/16/2008 11:40:32 AM)

Well, I don't know whether he is lazy, being a child, or depressed (beg for sex?, always on couch, clutter, no motivation). He may be afraid to start something for fear of failure - Maybe it's the fear that's immobilizing him. Not sure, either, why he wants a child so badly - Someone to love him? a playmate?

My devious side says to go sell his videogame system. But that probably won't be the best option. I think having a child is a secondary issue. I'd suggest you work on your marriage some more with counseling. Even if he won't go, then to go alone. You both need to get out of the mother-son roles and into the husband-wife roles



PrincessDonna -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/16/2008 11:58:25 AM)

Something I just thought of, not really related to the baby decision, but will likely help your marriage.

I've heard people say that marriage is 50/50, and I do not believe that is true at all. I believe it is 100/100...meaning each person needs to give 100% to their marriage. "But he's not even giving 1%!" may be what you are thinking. You aren't responsible for him or his part. You ARE responsible for your part. I think most people would find that if they give their 100% without concern for how much the other person is contributing, without holding it over their head, with the proper attitude, their measly 1% may well increase to at least 50%, just by you doing your part. And if not, at least you will know you've done what God has asked you to do. You can and should verbally free God to deal with your husband. Let Him be the "bad guy".[8D]

I'm not saying any of this is easy. Believe me, I know what it is like to be in an awful marriage that was doomed from the start. And we're far from perfect now, but when I stick to what I know is right regardless of what he is doing, then I am always blessed in some way. There is hope.



gengwall -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/16/2008 12:22:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna

Something I just thought of, not really related to the baby decision, but will likely help your marriage.

I've heard people say that marriage is 50/50, and I do not believe that is true at all. I believe it is 100/100...meaning each person needs to give 100% to their marriage. "But he's not even giving 1%!" may be what you are thinking. You aren't responsible for him or his part. You ARE responsible for your part. I think most people would find that if they give their 100% without concern for how much the other person is contributing, without holding it over their head, with the proper attitude, their measly 1% may well increase to at least 50%, just by you doing your part. And if not, at least you will know you've done what God has asked you to do. You can and should verbally free God to deal with your husband. Let Him be the "bad guy".[8D]

I'm not saying any of this is easy. Believe me, I know what it is like to be in an awful marriage that was doomed from the start. And we're far from perfect now, but when I stick to what I know is right regardless of what he is doing, then I am always blessed in some way. There is hope.
This is kind of what Dr. Laura says in the book I referenced above. Men ultimately have one goal, to gain acceptance, approval, and appreciation from the women (and most importantly, the predominant woman) in their lives. Good will begets good will and selflessness begets selflessness.



cindybode -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/16/2008 10:25:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gengwall

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindybode

Your husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He's not doing that. He needs to be told, in words of one syllable, that he's not doing that. Christ served others. I somehow doubt that He made the disciples pick up his dirty socks. [&:]

quote:

Also, don't forget to treat him with respect even if he has not earned it yet. Men sometimes need that respect before they can act in a way worthy of respect, if that makes sense...


Sorry, Donna, I love ya, but that teaching probably did more damage in my marriage than almost anything else. [:'(]
Well, this sure caught my attention. Things just got interesting.



Well, since that's not the topic of this thread I won't debate it here, but it's impossible to convey my thoughts on the subject in one line, so I didn't really expect too many people to understand. My understanding of this teaching is different than many people I have talked to, and I don't feel that the way it's usually taught in the church was at all helpful in my marriage. But again, that's another topic for another folder. [:)]



sen10tious -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/18/2008 8:54:44 AM)

"Let one deceive you with empty words..." comes 16 verses before "Wives, be subject to your own husbands..." Did someone say something about linear? [sm=unimpressed.gif]


The nagging works only on milquetoast guys. Nancy Leigh Demoss has some 30-day prayer chalenges on her
Revive Our Hearts website, as well as this excellent 31-days of Praying for your Husband.

The thing I found about praying the 31 Days thing was that it serves to "get the log out of one's own eye" first. By the end, you probably won't feel quite so helpless.



buckifn -> RE: Question for Parents from a Not-Yet Parent (5/19/2008 7:14:46 AM)

Instead of praying for your husband I would recommend praying with your husband...our prayer time every day is one of the absolute most rewarding parts of my day and I believe it gives us a bond nothing else can.

I don't know if the op is still on board, but if so, I do recommend you try praying with your husband, start out with a short prayer time and see what happens. I take the lead in making sure we have a prayer time at my house, but if your husband isn't ready to lead maybe you can until he gets to that point?



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