Rebellious Adult Daughter (Full Version)

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deedeeowens -> Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/10/2008 7:15:56 PM)

I spent last night crying until about 4am. My daughter, the one that we allowed to move back in with us after a nasty divorce, came home and cussed out her father, called me vulger names, and told us that we are no longer her parents and she never wants to speak to us again. Now, you're probably wondering what provoked such a horrible response from her. The rudeness actually started when we refused to co-sign for her to get a new car. (She finally got her way about that by getting her boyfriend to co-sign). Next, she wanted us to help her pay her medical bills. We were already letting her live with us for free, and provided food so that she could focus on her medical bills. We just couldn't afford to do anymore than that. She has a job, and she goes to college. She got a pell grant for college, so she didn't have to pay for that either. The last straw was when she sent a letter out to the extended family asking for money. I started getting calls and emails from relatives asking, "Are things really as bad as she describes? Doesn't she live with you for free? Didn't she just buy a new car?" Of course I explained to the family that she was being well cared for in our home, and I was embarrassed that she was asking them for money. She didn't like the fact that I broke up her little pity party and let my family know that she would have more money if she wasn't making a $350 car payment. After she started using extreme profanity, her father pointed to the door and told her to get her stuff and get out. I am heartbroken by her angry words and her ungratefullness for all we had done for her. Was I wrong to let her move back in with us in the first place? She had moved in and out of our home numerous times prior to her failed marriage. (She claimed that her husband was abusing her...now I wonder about that.) I don't want to enable her, but I want her to be safe. Any advice?



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/10/2008 7:24:43 PM)

I don't have much advice but I do have a hug ((((())))). It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. I do not think you did the wrong thing by letting her move home. If you had said no and she got into trouble you would have been eaten up with guilt. I will pray that God gives you wisdom with your child.



csl7037 -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/10/2008 7:56:35 PM)

You can't let her ranting guilt you into bailing her out of her own messes. It's hard, I know but my aunt and uncle are in a similar spot with my cousin. Don't let her get to his age (pushing 30) and still never face any consequences for her bad decisions and irresponsibility. Trust me, it'll only get worse. I'm so sorry because you really are in a no-win situation, at least in the near future. With prayer and if you stand firm, force her to act like an adult, she'll eventually grow into one.



March7 -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/10/2008 8:58:26 PM)

This must be so very hard... I have prayed for you. It must be so confusing and sad. I will pray for you as God reminds me. May Jesus be your all in all and your secure refuge...

I have several different friends in situations similar to yours with kids ranging in age fom 20 to 45 (yes, 45, sadly)...about five different families represented here, of course. A couple of the moms have told me they must make a choice for the child's best (which is learning to face problems as an adult) and stick with it, as you did about cosigning on the car. They said it is sooo hard to refuse to "bail out" the child and let them fall on their faces, but the ones with the older adult children said they wish they'd been firmer at the beginning. Stand faithful before the Lord, let your daughter say what she says and do what she does as you stand firm in your convictions through love even though it hurts. Courage is doing the right thing even though it's hard... I'm sending you many big hugs... Blessings to you in Christ...



csl7037 -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/10/2008 9:04:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joninon
They said it is sooo hard to refuse to "bail out" the child and let them fall on their faces, but the ones with the older adult children said they wish they'd been firmer at the beginning.


I think this is where my aunt and uncle find themselves. By the time your child is almost 30 years old, to decide to finally let them face some real consequences, after shielding them from every consequence their entire life, seems almost cruel. Much easier to face reality at 20 than at 30. It only gets harder for everyone the longer it's prolonged.



mayfly -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/11/2008 5:05:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037

You can't let her ranting guilt you into bailing her out of her own messes. It's hard, I know but my aunt and uncle are in a similar spot with my cousin. Don't let her get to his age (pushing 30) and still never face any consequences for her bad decisions and irresponsibility. Trust me, it'll only get worse. I'm so sorry because you really are in a no-win situation, at least in the near future. With prayer and if you stand firm, force her to act like an adult, she'll eventually grow into one.

I thought that was worth highlighting. To the OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. ((hugs))



deedeeowens -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/11/2008 11:50:23 AM)

Thank you for your replies everyone. I appreciate the love and encouragement. We have two more girls left at home, and my husband and I agree that we need to take a stand against being verbally abused and disrespected. The daughter that gave us so much grief is nearly 25 years old and should be setting a better example for her younger siblings. Her sin is against God and she will not be able to see that until her heart changes. While we continue to have concern and pray for her, we will not enable her in her rebellion. Thank you for your prayers.

Dee Dee



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/15/2008 2:57:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mayfly
quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
You can't let her ranting guilt you into bailing her out of her own messes. It's hard, I know but my aunt and uncle are in a similar spot with my cousin. Don't let her get to his age (pushing 30) and still never face any consequences for her bad decisions and irresponsibility. Trust me, it'll only get worse. I'm so sorry because you really are in a no-win situation, at least in the near future. With prayer and if you stand firm, force her to act like an adult, she'll eventually grow into one.[/quote]
I thought that was worth highlighting. To the OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. ((hugs))

Maybe. Maybe she will grow up. They don't always. And if she doesn't, don't take that on youself.

The ones you have at home? If you give them specific responsibilities now and stick to it with them, you will be doing them a huge favor. Believe me.



NotDoneYet -> RE: Rebellious Adult Daughter (6/15/2008 1:05:43 PM)

She's 25, you're allowing her to live at home, and you're putting up with her baloney? Time to show yon child the left foot of fellowship and the outside of the door.
At 25, she's an adult, she's married and divorced...why are you putting up with that baloney? If she lands on her behind, so be it. She'll figure it out...eventually.



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