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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 10:00:14 AM
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Rivermoon
Posts: 56
Joined: 3/20/2006
From: T.O., Ontario, Canada
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I'm in the same situation as you are, 5 years younger than you, with no prospect of getting married soon, and never engaged or married before. Yeah, I have decided long ago that marriage is not what I am counting on since I was 20. Therefore if I will ever getting married, I believe it'll be something that he and I will do without any stress or string attached. And if I will never ever married, I'll be facing exactly the same scenario you forecast, as my parents are over 75 now. I do have someone in my heart too, but we are just friends. He has decided to remain single too, and he is very cautious not to develop anything beyond friendship with any single ladies. I respect that and admire his boundary-setting, and determination in carrying out what he believes in. To sum up, even though I lack of something typically a lot of people have in life, God still uses my life in an amazing way that I never expected. And he will continue to do so until I see Him. :-D
_____________________________
=^O^=
Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst
"And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5 (NLT)
*** PUSH- Pray Until Something Happens ***
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 4:00:03 PM
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Pauley464
Posts: 519
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
Status: offline
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,
quote:
ORIGINAL: gaylel1
quote:
Yvette, this is an awesome post. I just wish every single would read it instead of whining. Just realize that is is not your time yet and God sometimes does has his reasons about our singleness and maybe he wants people to wait and keep our eyes on him and not sweat about the stuff that will make you misable
quote:
So let me get this straight in my mind, because some of us open up and honestly confess to being lonely at times, coping poorly at times, and don't find the single life to be one unending, grand adventure filled with contentment, satisfaction and fulfillment we're "whining"?
That's rather harsh and judgemental.
I'm sorry, Pauley if I came off as "judgemental" , but sometimes the truth does hurt and it hurts to the point that either we sulk in it or we do something about it. I have people say things to me that I thought that was judgemental, but guess what? When I think about it, especially from Christian sisters or brothers, you know, they are right. It is part of growth as a believer.
Maybe sometimes if we listen to the holy spirit through people who been there where you been, we would learn to trust in God and to look to him for our needs.
I don't know where you are at with the Lord, I'm not here to judge you, but to give you and anyone else who is strugging with singleness some encouragment. It may not want you want to hear, but I been there where you have been, and been a widow for 15 years now. But I'm not going to let the ememy have these "Woah Is Me" moments. When we have those moments, it is grounds for the enemy to attack your thought life.
Has it ever occoured to you that sometimes we need to listen to the voice of the Lord and seek him and not worry about things like this? The bible has several scriptures about fear and worry.
quote:
Please allow me to offer an apology, perhaps we should have buttoned up, hid our feelings and denied the pain that creeps up on us sometimes. I wasn't aware that admitting to the frustration and lonliness that accompanies singleness was evidence that I don't believe that "...God sometimes does have his reasons about our singleness..." or that we are failing to "...keep our eyes on him and not sweat about the stuff that will make you miserable."
Forgive us for our honesty and seeking support and encouragement from other singles.
Look, I'm not telling anyone to hide their feelings or anything, which you and others are accusing me of. I'm just someone who cares about my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and I want the best for them. I don't post these things because of being mean and I will not sugarcoat the truth to appease some people. And if people cannot take what I post, I pray that the Lord will change your heart and your mindset.
You say "the truth hurts and that you "won't sugarcoat it for anyone", but I wonder what "truth" you're talking about. Is it your assumption that because some of us admit to coping poorly at times that we're "whining"? Or is your "truth" the assumption that those times indicate that we are not looking to God for our needs or failing to listen to His voice? Perhaps the "truth" you speak of is your assumption that we all are failing to recognize that God does sometimes have a purpose for our season of singleness, no matter how long it lasts.
Allow me to repeat something I stated in my first post on this thread. "I cope more often than not" I will also admit to those times when I don't increasing as time passes. (Perhaps my patience is waning as I grow older.)
But let me clarify something. I have a good relationship with God. I look to Him for my needs and I listen to His voice during those times I am aware He is speaking. Yes, I have those "Woe is me" moments, but they don't last long, I spend a lot of time in the Psalms reading the scriptures concerning fear and worry. I know where others are as well. And just because I have those moments, it doesn't mean that I am sulking, worrying or allowing them to dominate my heart and mind.
I am a child of God. That means that I am a favorite target for Satan, just as you all are because of your relationships with God. I am also human. Which means that I am subject to failure and sin, just like you all are. We all fail and are tempted in different ways and in different areas of our lives. One of those areas in my life is contentment with singleness and to assume that someone is whining because they happen to open up themselves and confess to these hard times or to assume that they aren't recognizing God's work in their lives or that they aren't listening and looking to Him is judgemental no matter how you intended it to sound.
And as far as my "growth as a believer" is concerned, I look to those who know me best, like the Trinity and my family and friends, not a complete stranger who makes unwarranted assumptions about me based on a few posts on the internet.
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There is nothing so important that it can't be put off until tomorrow.
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 6:47:36 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Hello Pauley464...I'd like to chime in if I may.
I think if we are all honest with ourselves, most of us go through dry and lonely spells over being single. It just seems to go along with the territory of it all just like being married has its inherent challenges. Even the people who have made their peace with singlehood experience these lonely times and I don't think anyone is going to debate that. WhiteRoseBlessings is a poster that stands out in this regard. On the other hand, it can come across as "whining" (the point I believe the other poster was trying to make) when we post about it over and over and over again like a broken record. Some of us here acknowledge the struggles over being single but try to keep an upbeat attitude about it (i.e., WhiteRoseBlessings). The struggles over being single is just one of many other topics these people talk about. However, others talk about the despairs of being single to the point it seems to define what they're all about on these message boards and it gets a little old after a while. We can exacerbate our own loneliness if we become fixated on it so let's be careful to not Satan get us there.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 8:04:53 PM
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9drtr
Posts: 1583
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Toronto the Good
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I begin to suspect we need two forums: "Single and Happy About It" and "Single and Hoping".
People who challenge orthodoxy are always attacked, and the orthodoxy here and now is "Singleness is better than the alternative." Those of us who don't want to be single and who have the temerity to admit that we aren't giddy in our current condition are mobbed by posts telling usto put on a grin - false or not - and enjoy our loneliness. I can't. A false grin is a lie. While solitude is good, loneliness isn't.
Possibly some of us experience a kind or degree of loneliness that others don't.
< Message edited by 9drtr -- 7/18/2008 8:11:14 PM >
_____________________________
Edwin
When we know who is coming, how can we worry about what is coming? When the last hour belongs to us, how can we worry about the next minute?
Ross Crighton
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 8:06:42 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13104
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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LOL - good observation!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 8:35:12 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1400
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Hello Pauley464...I'd like to chime in if I may.
I think if we are all honest with ourselves, most of us go through dry and lonely spells over being single. It just seems to go along with the territory of it all just like being married has its inherent challenges. Even the people who have made their peace with singlehood experience these lonely times and I don't think anyone is going to debate that. WhiteRoseBlessings is a poster that stands out in this regard. On the other hand, it can come across as "whining" (the point I believe the other poster was trying to make) when we post about it over and over and over again like a broken record. Some of us here acknowledge the struggles over being single but try to keep an upbeat attitude about it (i.e., WhiteRoseBlessings). The struggles over being single is just one of many other topics these people talk about. However, others talk about the despairs of being single to the point it seems to define what they're all about on these message boards and it gets a little old after a while. We can exacerbate our own loneliness if we become fixated on it so let's be careful to not Satan get us there.
Actually, DJ, there's only two threads in the Singles forum where people openly admitted to their loneliness and struggles of being single. The rests of them never even touched the topic of the deep issues that singles face. I think the reason the thread went as long as it did, or still does, is due to the fact that people who came in there and showed some measure of vulnerability by being brutally honest about their feelings, were attacked and judged unfairly. Of course, that kind of actions would provoked more anger and defensiveness in the part of people that were attacked. People were making unfair assumptions. Instead of showing support the way they'd show support to other people who are struggling with other issues, we felt that our openness about our struggles were met with such disgust. That's why people posted over and over again so they can defend their position when there really is no need to.
As one person said, "it is what it is". Why then do we force people to feel what isn't and instead of accepting that for them, it is what it is and it isn't for some.
< Message edited by Prairiehiker -- 7/18/2008 8:41:44 PM >
_____________________________
________________________________
Money in the bank may be nice, but it will never beat sunrise from a sleeping bag in the mountains. " - climbhard511
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/18/2008 9:33:07 PM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1413
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
Status: offline
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Wow, Wow, Wow, I guess anything I post around here will offend people, even if I post it with love and concern for people. Because I post something, people take it the wrong way which people often accuse me of being judgemental and accusing me of "making assumtions."
I guess if it make people happy, I will leave this thread and stop posting in Singles all together because this channel does not need me here anyways.
_____________________________
Remembering Topher...
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 1:43:42 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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I have no problem with people posting here for support on difficult issues. Afterall, that's what these forums are for. I was addressing the few individuals who seem to "wallow in the woes of being single" and they post the same thing over and over again. Once a person has expressed it a few times, we really do get it. I just think that when we become so focused on what we don't have, we forget to be content in the Lord for the things we do have as we fall into the trap of getting stuck emotionally. Personally, I think it's great that people feel they can be vulnerable because I know I've certainly been in my posts. As somene's quote eloquently states "we can't keep misery from visiting us but we don't have to offer it a chair." Nonetheless, I apologize to anyone who thinks I'm being insensitive because I really don't mean to be. Afterall, this forum doesn't belong to anyone here in particular so we should feel free to post whatever we need to within reason.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 2:49:02 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3609
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline
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For some, these forums are the only place some singles feel comfortable sharing their pain and loneliness. Sometimes it is just a bad day for them and there, right in front of them, is the perfect thread to vent.
We are so good at giving advise, but sometimes, what someone really needs is a listening ear. Go ahead and vent........I'm listening.
_____________________________
F = False
E = Evidence
A = Appearing
R = Real
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 3:05:06 AM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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Good Point Nadine.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 9:08:49 AM
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okrox
Posts: 155
Joined: 4/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 9drtr
I begin to suspect we need two forums: "Single and Happy About It" and "Single and Hoping".
People who challenge orthodoxy are always attacked, and the orthodoxy here and now is "Singleness is better than the alternative." Those of us who don't want to be single and who have the temerity to admit that we aren't giddy in our current condition are mobbed by posts telling usto put on a grin - false or not - and enjoy our loneliness. I can't. A false grin is a lie. While solitude is good, loneliness isn't.
Possibly some of us experience a kind or degree of loneliness that others don't.
Well said. I agree wholeheartedly.
_____________________________
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 9:44:14 AM
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okrox
Posts: 155
Joined: 4/28/2005
Status: offline
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My Current Coping Strategy note: Stay with me here. Some of you might not like this.
I'll admit to having a hard time with singleness in the past. I wrestled with it and even flirted with bitterness about it for a while. That was when I was trying to follow the "accept and embrace" theology. It didn't work well for me.
I believe that a little unhappiness is a good thing. It alerts us that something is wrong. It motivates us to remedy it. It challenges us to be creative in solving problems. It drives us to seek out wisdom and counsel. It pulls us to examine our relationship with God. I believe that's why God allows unhappiness. Not just to draw us to Him, but also to spur us to grow in all those ways and more. I think that the unhappier you are, the greater potential you have for growth and the more changes God wants to show you.
So I will freely admit that while I am happy and I love my life and I have no fear of being alone for a while, I am most emphatically not happy with the idea of never marrying again. So I choose to interpret that unhappiness as a message from God, not to just "get happy", but to do something about the root of my unhappiness.
About a year ago, when I was really, really struggling and all the "get closer to God instead of looking for a spouse" thinking was getting me nothing but angrier and uglier and further from God, I decided, "Something has GOT to change."
So this is what I did:
1.) Prayed that God would guide me, instruct me, and reveal to me the true source of my discontent.
2.) Prayed that God would be glorified in the results.
3.) Had three sessions with a Christian life coach. I talked specifically about being single. I kind of equated that to "Getting a physical before beginning an exercise program." Got some really good insight into myself and my motivations there.
4.) Sought some godly counsel with trusted Christians about dating.
5.) Read up on Christian dating.
6.) Made a list of things I wanted to work on to improve my future, married or not. (financial goals, fitness goals, for example)
7.) Set out to meet as many Christian single men as possible.
8.) Committed every step to God.
A year later, I can tell you that this has been the best year of my life. And I am closer to God than I have ever been. Not because I am now seeing a very nice Christian man and it looks like maybe "Finally! God's delivering! It's about time I got a little service around here." No; that's not it at all. I'm not closer to God because maybe I'm getting more what I want from Him. I'm closer to God because I'm getting more what He Wants from me.
Wringing my hands and saying, "Oh, this is where God has led me." while I was lonely and sad and unhappy did nothing but drag me down in my walk with God.
Committing my unhappiness to God, vowing to stop blaming Him (I was! I'll admit it! Yeah! I'm not proud of it, but I was blaming Him for the whole sorry mess. I didn't see it then, but I see it now.) and do everything I could possibly do on my end while trusting God to do His part on His end....now that?
That changed my life.
Forever.
I hope I have encouraged someone.
I'm off for my morning run now. This used-to-be-250 pound old mama is training for her second 1/2 marathon. That is not the same person I was back when I was "accepting" my singleness. And I know God is happy about that.
_____________________________
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 9:50:14 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2008
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline
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^^^^
Stars, please.
besiderself
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:43:58 AM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1413
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
I have no problem with people posting here for support on difficult issues. Afterall, that's what these forums are for. I was addressing the few individuals who seem to "wallow in the woes of being single" and they post the same thing over and over again. Once a person has expressed it a few times, we really do get it. I just think that when we become so focused on what we don't have, we forget to be content in the Lord for the things we do have as we fall into the trap of getting stuck emotionally. Personally, I think it's great that people feel they can be vulnerable because I know I've certainly been in my posts. As somene's quote eloquently states "we can't keep misery from visiting us but we don't have to offer it a chair." Nonetheless, I apologize to anyone who thinks I'm being insensitive because I really don't mean to be. Afterall, this forum doesn't belong to anyone here in particular so we should feel free to post whatever we need to within reason.
Thank you Choir DJ, you are one of the only ones here that understands where I'm coming from here. And when you talk about "the woes of being single and wallow in it and the pity that goes with it," it is no good because it is grounds for Satan (And I'm sorry if it is offensive to some) to invade your thought life and other things which are not christ like.
Last night I wanted to leave these fourms and the singles especially because of one post this brother posted that I felt in other words, I don't need your encouragment because what you said was judgemental. There were also a few other people who said that also. It makes me feel that I'm the enemy here and I'm not that at all. I'm not a stranger like this indivisual said, but a fellow sister in Christ who went through and still going through things too, but in a different mindset and not letting those conditions rule her.
Then too, the people think sometimes that "We are insensitive of their feelings" may have something going on in their life that has not been addressed to their brothers and sisters in the fellowship or more importantly, God.
I do have a listening ear and I'm sensitive to my single brothers and sisters and do feel their pain, however, what you are going to do about your situation is really up to you. I can offer advice, which hopefully is right, but the person can choose what you can do with your cirmstances whether they can wallow in self-pity or go out into the world and not let thoughts like this over rule you.
_____________________________
Remembering Topher...
Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:48:43 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1400
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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As a coping mechanism when I was younger, I made a pact with a few male friends that if we're not married by the time we're 50, then we'll marry each other, LOL. Some of them are married now, so even the pool of "plan B" men are dwindling! Now, I need to learn to cope with that as well...........
Hmmm....I guess i spent most of my time defending my position about "coping" I never actually posted how I cope, lol. One way I cope? I post in crosswalk, lol.
_____________________________
________________________________
Money in the bank may be nice, but it will never beat sunrise from a sleeping bag in the mountains. " - climbhard511
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:49:52 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13104
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
One way I cope? I post in crosswalk, lol.
ditto!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:51:04 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6226
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
quote:
One way I cope? I post in crosswalk, lol.
ditto!
Tritto!
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<-- Blue Ridge Mountains, Oct. 2006
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:51:56 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 16705
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
As a coping mechanism when I was younger, I made a pact with a few male friends that if we're not married by the time we're 50, then we'll marry each other, LOL. Some of them are married now, so even the pool of "plan B" men are dwindling! Now, I need to learn to cope with that as well...........
Hmmm....I guess i spent most of my time defending my position about "coping" I never actually posted how I cope, lol. One way I cope? I post in crosswalk, lol.
Now people actually do that? Remember that in My Best Friends Wedding?
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:58:18 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1400
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
Now people actually do that? Remember that in My Best Friends Wedding?
Oh yeah...people do make those pacts....when we're drunk! Ha ha. I've had those silly talks with most of the friends I've had through out the years as a joke. I bet I can call them 10 years from now and remind them of the pact we made, and we'll get a good laugh out of it.
_____________________________
________________________________
Money in the bank may be nice, but it will never beat sunrise from a sleeping bag in the mountains. " - climbhard511
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 10:59:45 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 16705
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
Now people actually do that? Remember that in My Best Friends Wedding?
Oh yeah...people do make those pacts....when we're drunk! Ha ha. I've had those silly talks with most of the friends I've had through out the years as a joke. I bet I can call them 10 years from now and remind them of the pact we made, and we'll get a good laugh out of it.
So how does that work? You are just like mutual friends, but married instead? I couldn't imagine someone being romantically involved with one another in a situation like that.
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 11:01:27 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 16705
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
There is someone who everyone says I should marry - we say we would kill one another. But, we also have said that us - it's much more of a reality. 
Now, I'll take your word for it. 
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 11:05:18 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1400
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
So how does that work? You are just like mutual friends, but married instead? I couldn't imagine someone being romantically involved with one another in a situation like that
My dear, it's a joke....you know, one of those silly conversations you have with friends while having a few drinks and talking about life in a very non serious way. I always have some super serious conversations and some totally mindless ones. No one takes it seriously, lol.
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Money in the bank may be nice, but it will never beat sunrise from a sleeping bag in the mountains. " - climbhard511
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RE: "Coping" with Singleness? - 7/19/2008 11:06:31 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 16705
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
So how does that work? You are just like mutual friends, but married instead? I couldn't imagine someone being romantically involved wit | | | |
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