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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 3:16:52 PM
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delete123
Posts: 731
Joined: 6/1/2005
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SonshineSoprano~
My post was not harsh, maybe you perceived it as such. I was matter of factly pointing out that indeed, she is being selfish in her thoughts and desires.
She has "feelings" for this married man. *feelings* can lie to oneself, eventhough she is stating one thing, she is not doing anything other than talking about it.
From your own post she said: She knows it's wrong, but hasn't taken any action to prevent or change her situation.
She knows about his marital problems (to some extent that they are having problems)
According to your post, they are still seeing each other "business wise" at least 2-3 days a week.
What I don't see other than her sharing her "feelings" with you, is that she believes she needs to find another opportunity for employment.
Give this account away and take the loss
Distancing herself -- if she won't take the loss at least have someone speak with him 2 of the 3 days
She consistantly and continually engages with him
I believe she is feeding into her own fantasy, which is selfish, and as many said dangerous.
Of course you take my post denfensively, she's your friend and you don't want to think that maybe, just maybe she really doesn't want anything to change.
She can stop the bondage she believes she is suffering, all she has to do, is stop her own fantasy, thought process of the what ifs?
I am not proposing that she is not, but your post does not state anything of what she had done to prevent, distance, or come to a solid solution that will get her past this.
I will cerntainly pray for her
CRH
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/22/2008 7:14:05 PM
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stimulus
Posts: 180
Joined: 6/4/2005
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I was going to post... and then decided not to... and now I am.
I can kind of understand what your friend is going through. The guy I can't stop thinking about isn't married, he isn't even dating anyone, but he doesn't seem to want to date me. Yet, I can't seem to stop thinking about him, this friend who one will be married to someone else. It's not the same, but I can relate to a point.
Distancing herself from him would be best, but I realize that isn't always as practical as people would like it to be. My friend and I see each other at least 3x a week at church, spending considerable time together helping in the same ministry. Then, we work for related organizations that are next door to each other. While I rarely see him at work, the environment and the shared colleagues make it harder to not think of him, and we talk about work a lot when we are together at church.
Some physical distance would help me emotionally, but what I am supposed to do - quit my job and find a new church? That might be easier, but I'm not convinced it's what is right. I could have the same problem somewhere else.
That said, I do think your friend should do what she can to put some distance in the relationship. For instance, can she use email or phone to communicate with him when necessary instead of doing it in person? Does she ever have business meetings over lunch with him she could skip? What personal contact - whether it happens at work or outside - could she cut out?
If she is convinced there is something between them, perhaps she does need to confront the situation head on - but I think an email or voicemail would be better than an in-person conversation. She doesn't need to address "the nature of the relationship" directly in her message, but she could tell him that she needs to minimize personal contact with him and manage business by phone and email whenever possible. That way, she has told him that she is going to change her behavior toward him, instead of having him wonder why she's suddenly distancing herself.
And, if she has a trusted Christian female friend at work, she should tell that person. Her friend could help her keep accountable, reminding her to minimize conversation with him and not be alone with him.
So that's my two cents, for what it's worth. It doesn't answer your question about whether people can stop loving someone, because I don't know. But hopefully, it's a suggestion or two she can put to use in the meantime.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 7/23/2008 7:22:02 AM
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sunshinesoprano
Posts: 986
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Georgia
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crh...
The reason I thought your post to be a little harsh was because I disagree that she's being selfish and I felt like you were ignoring that fact. She's wrong in caring the way she does for a married man, but she's been able to exhibit self-discipline and not acted inappropriately toward him in any way.
No, she hasn't sought other employment, but she has tried to keep things professional, and as I said before, use sarcasm as a barrier, but she realizes that may have only fed his fire.
I appreciate what you've said, however, but I can't tell her to quit her job when she's tried to find other employment because she hates her job and cannot. The market is too bad around here.
I CAN and will tell her that she needs to keep her distance and keep things at casual distance for her emotional sake. From what she's told me, it's never gone any farther than casual chat anyway.
It's all about what's going on in her head.
I'm proud that she's been able to keep a reign on it for so long!
Stimulus...
Thanks for posting. I think some of what I said above addresses your questions, too.
_____________________________
Pure Heart-Fresh, Progressive Southern Gospel
Sing, laugh, love, PRAISE!
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 8/6/2008 8:11:25 PM
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Kimberlyd26
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Joined: 8/6/2008
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I am some one that has been in love in many ways and for many reasons. My first husband took 10 years to get over and 4mo. to fall in love with. The love for him even lasted while i was in love with some one else, and he was half way arround the world with no contact whatsoever. Not seeing him for 8yrs. I did not even know I loved him still. God has cleared me from that. But the day I said I was getting divorced from my second husband there was no love in me for him at all, yet I know at one point he was all I thought about. So even though we see each other all the time it was over before we seperated. I have fallen in love since then too. once it took months to come arround to that, and 2 more times it was almost instant. The one that lives in another state and never communicates with me, is almost harder then the one that saw me almost twice a week when we dropped off kids at the same school. I am still getting over the last one (it is still too fresh). And I am not here to tell you the pain will not keep you up at night. I loved them all in different ways for different reasons at different times. My point is rejoyce in your pain, pray that it is the reason is for Gods glory. What you are going through Is in preperation for something better. It may be to teach you something you need for the one God has in store for you. Pray for peace in your heart, and understanding for your situation. Not release from it. Kimberly
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 8/6/2008 8:15:15 PM
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Neeva_Candida
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/26/2008
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According to George Jones it is possible. "He stopped loving her today..."
~Neeva
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 8/7/2008 11:53:24 PM
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JCMK
Posts: 119
Joined: 12/30/2007
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In George Jones's song, he stopped loving her because he died that day.
I believe that true love never dies. It won't grow if you don't see that person, but the love is still there and always will be.
True love is also unconditional. No matter what a person does or how bad they hurt you, you still love them. It's because you love them, not their actions.
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 8/12/2008 5:43:01 PM
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Butterflytearz
Posts: 142
Joined: 7/6/2006
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quote:
I believe that true love never dies. It won't grow if you don't see that person, but the love is still there and always will be.
True love is also unconditional. No matter what a person does or how bad they hurt you, you still love them. It's because you love them, not their actions
This is very true JCMK,,, and if you have this kind of love returned,, you have a bond for life
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
I lost hope .
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 8/12/2008 8:35:28 PM
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twinkly
Posts: 65
Joined: 6/21/2008
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I will give my 2 cents for what it is worth.
I think it is great that your friend is coming to you with this and praying about it. Obviously it is bothering her for good reason: he is married. I have been in her shoes before. I am ashamed to admit that at one point in my life, during a very bad time in my marriage, I fell head over heels for someone at work who was engaged. It never crossed any physical lines, but it was still wrong. I knew it was too, but he filled so many needs I had and I filled needs he had. I am going to venture a guess and say that she is also filling some needs this man has that his WIFE should be filling for him.
If I were her, I would offer him some good christian books on marriages or send him to the site marriagebuilders.com. Sounds like a good book for him and his wife would be HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. She should not in any way shape or form engage in any of his relationship conversation. If he brings it up, she should politely say he needs to talk to a male friend or his wife about it.
If it is mutual flirting than there are mutual feelings of some sort. Having been in this situation, no matter how hard she is fighting the temptation and her feelings, I fear that any continued contact may cause feelings to grow on her part and his. It is only a matter of time, ESPECIALLY if he is having marital problems. Tell her to keep diligently looking for a job and to steer as clear as possible from him. If he flirts, do not flirt back, do not initiate flirting, nothing. Flirting is definitely not harmless. She can think of it this way: would I be ok having this type of interaction or conversation in front of this wife? If the answer is no, than it shouldn't happen.
I believe a lot of this is Satan playing games with her and he will continue to do so as long as the two of them work together. He will dangle that carrot in front of her. Her feelings for him, no matter how hard she prays, are not going to diminish as long as they work together. I am afraid that is the cold hard truth. That is like me praying "God, please help me to stick to my diet" while I keep all of my favorite foods stocked to the hilt in my house. Aint' gonna work. I am not going to lose my craving for that food until I no longer allow it in my house.
Just my experience.
_____________________________
God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.
http://www.myspace.com/michelleboyea
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RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? - 8/13/2008 9:42:19 PM
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ColoradoLady36
Posts: 160
Joined: 8/11/2008
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I can say that I understand completely what your friend is going through. I was divorced a year ago April 13. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through, as we have 3 beautiful children together. During the whole process I experienced many different emotions, but the one that irritated me the most was that I still loved him. He was the man of my dreams, I just wasn't the girl of his. It's okay that your friend loves hon, that's why God gave us hearts. It's just something that takes time to deal with. There is the possibility that she will always love him, no matter what. But it does get easier.
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