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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/3/2009 11:32:36 AM
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Bubbatwo
Posts: 23
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I have some very close friends but the problem is that they are doing things that I don't agree with anymore. I can still talk to them on the phone but if I want to walk with God, I have to turn down any offers to assemble. One thing that was told to me that has really hit home is that as Chrisitians, we are to be "peculiar" to the world. There is also a verse that says the "Old Man dies". I am sorry I am not good at quoting scripture yet but working on it. I used to say to my wife that I wish she would develop friends so that she had something to do when I was out with my friends. Now I know why she did what she did.
Louisvilleslugger - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. We know that God has a plan for you and I'll bet knowing him that he is going to provide you with a true Chrisitan wife. Once that happens, you will hopefully look back and know that it was for the best. I can't imagine what you are going/went through. You are in my prayers brother!
_____________________________
Psalm 118:24 - This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/5/2009 3:04:38 PM
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countrypreacherman
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WOW!! Does this thread ever ring true for me!
I'm 54 years young and have been in mnistry of some kind or another for 32 of those years and I would have to be honest and say that my two close friends are my wife and her father.I have many,many casual relationships,but no friends except those already mentioned.How I would dearly love to just have someone I could share the ups and downs of life with.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/5/2009 7:38:19 PM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 533
Joined: 11/23/2008
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quote:
if I want to walk with God, I have to turn down any offers to assemble.
I'm curious, why do you feel this way? Is there something that happens when they assemble that you're concerned would cause you to stumble in your faith? Is there a way that you could initiate and control the gathering so that you wouldn't be in such a precarious position? It might be an opportunity for you to be a powerful witness to them.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/5/2009 10:27:22 PM
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spt304
Posts: 10
Joined: 11/30/2008
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I guess there are a lot of us in the same situation.
My wife and I are 1st year snow birds. This winter I met several new men in our camp church and in the camping village. I earnestly looked for someone to connect with. Each man with whom I had a conversation, it turned out to be a monologue. He talked and I listened. Each one spent the entire time talking about his self. Not once did the other person try to engage me in conversation. I struggle to avoid a "I can top your story."
I hesitate to intrude into a person's time or contact them while they are doing something else. I'm not into hunting, motorcycles, or cars, so I have very little in common with most it not all of my male acquaintances. When we returned to our summer home church, several persons stated they missed us. But when we are here, they do nothing but speak to us in church and we never hear or see them except in church, this includes the pastor.
You all are seening a chapter in my life that I have not been able to share with any one except my wife.
I am also looking for suggestions just like the most of you on this thread. I have prayed about this.
Thank you for your prayers.
God bless you!
Phil
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/6/2009 11:40:06 AM
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Bubbatwo
Posts: 23
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gcsmithjr
quote:
if I want to walk with God, I have to turn down any offers to assemble.
I'm curious, why do you feel this way? Is there something that happens when they assemble that you're concerned would cause you to stumble in your faith? Is there a way that you could initiate and control the gathering so that you wouldn't be in such a precarious position? It might be an opportunity for you to be a powerful witness to them.
I don't feel that I can assemble because they do participate in an area where I struggle. (Alcohol) I still have phone contact with them but feel for me, being new to this new way of life, that for now, I need to steer clear. I have talked to them about God before and the response was from luke warm to I don't believe in that. I feel I have planted a seed and hope that someone else can water it. I hope that I can eventually get to the point where I can spend time with them and not worry about the effect of their behavior on me.
_____________________________
Psalm 118:24 - This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/6/2009 12:00:59 PM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 533
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quote:
I don't feel that I can assemble because they do participate in an area where I struggle. (Alcohol) I still have phone contact with them but feel for me, being new to this new way of life, that for now, I need to steer clear. I have talked to them about God before and the response was from luke warm to I don't believe in that. I feel I have planted a seed and hope that someone else can water it. I hope that I can eventually get to the point where I can spend time with them and not worry about the effect of their behavior on me.
Thanks for sharing that, it sounds like you're being wise in how you engage with them. Hopefully someday you'll be in a place where you can be comfortable being around them again.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/6/2009 12:24:43 PM
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Bubbatwo
Posts: 23
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gcsmithjr
quote:
I don't feel that I can assemble because they do participate in an area where I struggle. (Alcohol) I still have phone contact with them but feel for me, being new to this new way of life, that for now, I need to steer clear. I have talked to them about God before and the response was from luke warm to I don't believe in that. I feel I have planted a seed and hope that someone else can water it. I hope that I can eventually get to the point where I can spend time with them and not worry about the effect of their behavior on me.
Thanks for sharing that, it sounds like you're being wise in how you engage with them. Hopefully someday you'll be in a place where you can be comfortable being around them again.
I sure hope so. I care for them and even though I don't agree with what they do anymore, I still care for them and pray for their salvation so we can really party in Heaven.
_____________________________
Psalm 118:24 - This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 4/7/2009 9:34:52 PM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 37
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I feel like giving up at this point though
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RE: Lack of good friends - 6/12/2009 10:41:09 PM
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Indianaguy47670
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Hello ! - I really don' t know what to say in reference to your posting (Admiralnasmith) except - YOU GOT IT ! The church is for couples and they don't seem to care otherwise. In most churches I have atttended, I have been activity involved...teaching, music, boards, committees and so on but it seems that that's great to be used but as far as a group or etc. of other singles to form friendships with, share burdens, and just simply know that there are others in the same boat you are FORGET IT! - It's very lonely out of church and very lonely in church being a single guy, with no answers. Hope to hear back from you soon ! 
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RE: Lack of good friends - 7/7/2009 11:22:30 PM
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SoulMover
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This really hits home for me. I was sharing the revelation with my wife that I had no real friends and started Googling for Christian Mens Forum's in the hope that I could find some friends- and here I am. I know there are no answers here but it helps to hear that others struggle with the same issue.
I joked with my wife that there needs to be an online "Friends Matching" service like Match.com and she just giggled. I wonder why no one's thought of that?
What I really miss is the camaraderie and "in the trenches" closeness that I felt with my buddies when I played organized sports. Something about being tested as a group that really brings men together. Is the problem that we as modern American men don't have that collective experience? How can we change that?
< Message edited by SoulMover -- 7/8/2009 8:17:06 PM >
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SoulMover HD Bible - Inspirational Daily Bible Verses!
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RE: Lack of good friends - 7/8/2009 7:08:59 PM
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shoe
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Soul-mover - that's the problem. There is no way to replicate the bonding and camaraderie that a military unit builds. It is difficult to explain on how that particular bond is formed, it varies from person to person. Organized sports do have a piece of that type of bond, but still is lacking in others. Some careers tend to form close friendships when there is more importance put on others than yourself - i.e. firefighters, police officers. Maybe that is another piece to the puzzle.
Someone previously posted about giving up on finding a good friend. That is the last thing men should do, I feel as though a part of us would die if we give up on searching for our ideals.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 7/8/2009 8:22:14 PM
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SoulMover
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Thanks Shoe. I won't give up. It may be on us to recreate that camaraderie.
I'm good with ideas, admittedly not so good on follow through, but what if there was a Miracle Mob that consisted of Christian men across the nation that would rise up at least once a year and collectively do unblelievable acts of kindness and restoration across the Nation followed by a big celebration for everyone to join in. I could see something like that building lasting friendships and the bond that only comes from living for something bigger than ourselves.
_____________________________
SoulMover HD Bible - Inspirational Daily Bible Verses!
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RE: Lack of good friends - 7/9/2009 11:30:19 PM
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trucard1
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I am looking for discussion with men and so came to 'Men's Only' forum. This post attracted my attention as I have a lack of good friends. I see I'm not alone, at least with the majoriity of those who have posted.
I'm thinking about how common interests, common purpose, common experience brings people together. I thinking about all the men I've met at church, whether there is someone there I could become good friends. I wondering how many men at church have good friendships with each other or with men from other churches or outside church. Personally I have been between churches and am not sure where I will settle. It seems like an absolute requirement for a man to be a Christian for me to become good friends.
I had a couple good friends when I was single, who in fact were best man and groomsman in our wedding. We started to grow apart, one reason-they staying single and myself married and having kids, we were losing common experience. Then one friend moved away and eventually I lost touch. The other friend became alienated because of my own discomfort. There was an ongoing issue with how my wife and I handled our finances, in which I felt his disapproval, and I started to avoid him. Then when it didn't seem we would find reconcilation, I passively ended the relationship. So much for matuirity.
Friendship is about transparancy and acceptance. It is like our relationship with the Lord, if we get out of comfort zone, are we going to run or face it with all the fruits of the Spirit that the Lord would bestow upon us.
For myself, I hope to settle into a church with my family. It has been a challenge and as a man I need to take a leading role to get this done. I believe I'll settle into a church where I'll find good friends. Most of my friends have been from church, it is just that I haven't invested in any friendship for it to become good.
On a different note, how much do we need this 'good friends'. Of all the things we fill our lives with, if finding a good friend was a priorty, wouldn't we have done so. Is a good friend a luxery we can live without? Where is the motivation? We live with this hole in our lives. How much of it is in our control? A good friend is a gift we cultivated?
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RE: Lack of good friends - 7/10/2009 6:17:58 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 272
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quote:
ORIGINAL: trucard1
On a different note, how much do we need this 'good friends'. Of all the things we fill our lives with, if finding a good friend was a priorty, wouldn't we have done so. Is a good friend a luxery we can live without? Where is the motivation? We live with this hole in our lives. How much of it is in our control? A good friend is a gift we cultivated?
IMO, close/good friends are nice but not required. I've had a few guy friends like that during my life but they are few and far between (no close friend right now). I enjoyed those relationships and it would be nice to have that kind of friendship again but I have survived the periods with out one. I'm fairly introverted though and my social needs are probably less than an average guy. Your mileage may vary.
If you need accountability, you do not need a friend to get that. You can get that through a mens' accountability group or individual partner.
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mr tigger
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RE: Lack of good friends - 7/27/2009 5:30:14 PM
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perikles
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/27/2009
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The Lord will always have a plan for you and introduce a real friend when
they'll serve a purpose in your life. It happened to me this year.
I've had best friends in high school, college whom I've lost contact
due to distance and a different way of life. My last best friend was from
8 years ago, who also was my best man in my wedding. But that last friendship
we grew apart, probably because when I got married and became a devoted family
man, I didn't give him the time of day. I learned from someone that he got
married, and he didn't contact me, so I felt hurt/disappointed.
Anyway, my kid started kindergarten at a Catholic school and one of the
requirements is parent volunteer hours. So I signed up helping at his PE
class. I don't even know why I signed up in that class, since I was never
good at PE.
There's one other parent who diligently volunteered, another dad. He's been
volunteering for several years now. At first, we didn't have much in common. I
remember we were so formal with each other and just discussed surface stuff in
the 1.5 hours that we volunteer per week. The conversations progressed
into delving more deeply into family life. I remember a lot of very honest
talk going on, no pretensions. I just remember listening to
him and noticing how much of what he says "made sense". It just hit me that
when he describes his thought process, he's describing mine!
Just a few weeks before I turned 40 this year, I got hit by midlife crisis. Even though
there was nothing wrong with my wife and kids, I was not enjoying being a
devoted husband, family man anymore. And it scared the heck out of me and
prayed very, very hard to the Lord, night after night. I did mention this
to my wife and she was supportive but couldn't relate.
I'm not sure but someone (God?) prodded me to open up with my volunteer mate
about this crisis, during our volunteer time. That started a real friendship. He
comforted me with words, saying I'm not alone, and shared also his regrets,
frustrations with life. I realized too that like me, he has made a tremendous
sacrifice putting himself last to care deeply for his wife and kids.
I also started finding out that we're the same age and came from
the same culture, and have so many similarities, almost twin-like.
We've been living a parallel life: I have 2 boys and he has 2 girls,
moved to a new house in the same year, listened to same music in
during high school and college, have artistic interests, and so on.
I kept thinking God has sent me a brother to go through midlife.
He's a man of impeccable integrity and originality, inspiring me again to
be the best husband to my wife, father to my kids, and in parallel pursue artistic
interests that I've wrongly surpressed these last 8 years. These are what I
needed to do to overcome my crisis.
I was touched that during my "down" moment, he invited me and my kids to his
home to spend an ordinary afternoon with his family. I've gotten to know
and like his wife and kids. I reciprocated by inviting him and his kids
to my home for some playdate, which my wife found quite "radical" given the
it's usually the moms that have playdates.
We also lend support to each other in terms of areas that we're not
strong at: he gives advise on house repairs, while I go fix his computer.
We talked about how in the next 10 years, we'll be volunteering together
in the same class. I look forward to it, sharing all the pangs and joys
of raising kids. I hope to be his friend for a
very long time...and may you find yours too. It just enhances life, plus
I do believe the work of God is at hand here.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 8/19/2009 4:31:42 PM
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wrldtraveller
Posts: 8
Joined: 6/19/2009
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thanks for this nice post. It is heartwarming to see that you found a good friend to be with.
But my question here for others, what to do when a person is too shy, or have a hard time trusting anyone to create a lasting friendship?
Based on my experience, it is much easier to lose a friend, than it is to keep friends.
Also, I grew up in a fundamental christian life, and found it very hard to find any common ground when trying to make a friend. Now, im in my early 30s, and I still dont have a truly close friend, except my brothers.
any answers to the questions, would be appreciated.
Paul
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RE: Lack of good friends - 8/23/2009 7:46:30 PM
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sdodsworth
Posts: 36
Joined: 7/14/2009
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Im no expert, and ive read quite alot of your guy's posts. I have the same problem, no close CHRISTIAN friends. I still have a few "good" or, better than acquaintances, friends that are not in Christ. And quite the contrary infact. They party, get wasted at bars, do drugs, and lack control..Just like we all did before Christ.
The more i read everyones posts, the more i relized, friends dont come to us. We MAKE them. We take a person, who may not look, feel, act, have common interest with us, and establish a relationship with them. Its hard, but once you get to a level beyond small talk, and start talking about life, and getting REAL with each other.. you have quite possibly discovered a friend God has placed in your life..a small gem... well,actually, rather a large diamond.
I fall into the trap also, just like everybody, "well its not easy, and they dont think like i do, and blah blah blah". Sometimes we just need to take the first step,and attempt to establish a relationship with someone. Call them, keep in contact, try and go out for coffee or something, and eventually you will become friends or you will part ways.
This is just how i feel.. though its not easy. I am often sad because all my friends are hell-bound like I used to be. Not sure if anyone can relate.. (and If i can mention my age being 21 to anyone else who may be around that age for comfort)But really i should be excited to be a living presentation of the love of Jesus Christ to them.. how Jesus loved US WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS..
Jesus didnt miss the chance to go to a party beacuse sinners were there getting wasted.. Jesus made the most of opportunitys. Being humble, honest, and at times stern, Jesus made an impact, and I imagine Jesus made some real friends here on earth. Over time...over time.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/8/2009 7:48:15 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 272
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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We had a lay off at work last week... No big surprise - we had expected one. I figured a couple of my work buddies would probably get hit. Too my surprise, *every single one* of them got it. That's just sad.
I know business is business and the RIF had to be done for financial reasons but it's just frustrating to lose work friends when it happens.
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mr tigger
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/9/2009 12:29:05 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
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so it looks like most of us are a bunch of losers =( i had 4 really good friends in high school and college.... but 2 of them moved WAAYY far away, and the other 2 live an hour away cause i moved. and we just dont see each other as often... (like... once a year?) we used to have movie nights, and game nights, and all this. they all still play on xbox live... but i can't afford that nonsence, so im left out of the fun now.
i want so bad to have friends... but i just want things exactly how they used to be. i want friends who will share facts about music, (because my favorite thing to do is scour wikipedia for pages on obscure bands and learn everything about them) i want people to play halo, fallout 3, and grand theft auto with. i want friends where we can watch horribly made 80s zombie movies, and laugh at the rediculous special effects.
but what if i do find people like that and tell me to get lost? they say im no good? i just dont think i could take that kind of a rejection.
i've turned introvert... but i dont like it one bit. my wife is very introvert. she just like sto sit at home, pet the cat, and watch movies. but i like going out. and socializing with people i like. im very intimidated with meeting new people though... so i feel like i can't win for losing. im tempted to scour myspace and start hitting people up to hang out with, lol.
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/9/2009 6:56:36 PM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
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i'll also add i've lost a lot of faith of making "christian friends" because ever since i was in highschool.... all the "christian friends" (and i mean these guys were GRAET STRONG pillars of god) always end up backsliding. i dont make friends with great influences, just for a year later them to be addicted to porn, cussing alcaholics.... so its easier to cut out the middle man and just make friends with porn addicted cussing alcoholics to begin with :P
i think thats why its so hard to make christian friends for my wife and i, because judging by our past friends... its not IF they backslide... only when. and i hate going through that. seeing people be idiots just to give into the desires of teh world they know is wrong.
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Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/12/2009 8:30:42 PM
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Concerto
Posts: 129
Joined: 10/20/2006
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I have no real friends. I converse with the people at my job and may at times chit chat at church, maybe, but, no real friends. It is a sign of the times. Busyness, shallowness, and superficiality. Just listen to the conversations taking place...sports, politics, etc. Or maybe, the latest movie, or American Idol...
It would be neat if I could meet with people my own age, once a week, hang out, who would accept all my faults and/or physical problems (bad arthritis), but, that does not seem to be an option right now. Finding real friends is hard. But, I am not going to fret or cry because I do not have any. I don't need to hear about sports...I am over that..it is time to move on.
C
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/12/2009 11:02:20 PM
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WilliamtheConqueror
Posts: 153
Joined: 7/31/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imMrBill
Yeah I am always joking with my wife that when I finally leave this earth she'll have to rent 6 guys to carry the casket. Heck she'd have trouble finding one.
My wife always told me to take a quarter, go to the phone booth, and call all my friends.
"A man of many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/14/2009 7:45:22 PM
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musicplayer
Posts: 38
Joined: 6/1/2005
Status: offline
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A guy in my small group shared a story this past weekend that may shed some light on this issue of "lack of good friends". He says some of this is a cultural phenomena.
This past summer this guy reconnected with a bunch of old classmates when he joined Facebook. Some were elementary friends he had not seen in 35 years in Indonesia, and some were high school friends from his HIgh school days in the United States. So when one of his high school friends came from abroad for their high school reunion. My friend decided to put out a very casual email to invite anyone who was interested to meet up with them at a local restaurant for dinner.... and 1 person showed up.
When my friend went to Indonesia to see his elementary school classmates. He and one other guy decided to put out a casual email to invite anyone who was interested to meet up at a local restaurant....and 25 people showed up. And he hadn't seen these people in 35 years!!
Americans are just too busy to make time for socializing with people.
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