Lack of good friends (Full Version)

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musicplayer -> Lack of good friends (8/17/2008 5:04:27 PM)

I'm happily married, love my job, and keep very busy with work and family. The other day my wife and I were talking about her possibly taking the kids out of town early for a few days while I continued to work. Then it dawned on me.... I really don't have any good friends that I can simply call up and hang out with. It is not that I don't know anyone- I know lots of people, and I'm pretty friendly- just don't have any close friends. I've tried inititating some things over the years- lunches, dinners with spouses, but no one ever seems to reciprocate. SO right now, the only close people in my life are my family. Is something wrong here or is this the way it is these days?



shoe -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 7:15:29 PM)

I am in the same boat, Brother. I am in my late thirties and really don't seem to relate to anyone around me on a level that would be considered close. I have heard the phrase "the lonely American Male". We focus on work and what little time we have left is spent on family, there is no time that is correctly spent on ourselves. It seems to hit home hard sometimes; there are things I really don't care to discuss with my wife, and so I end up frustrated about a lack of connection with someone just to "vent". At some level, this lack of connection has affected my spiritual life, worship, small group involvement, etc. I have trouble within our church due to the fact that there is a huge age difference in the men who attend. Its like hanging out with someone's dad. There are very few men my age, none of which have much in common with me. There is just no connection, and I wouldn't want to spend more time than necessary with them - is that wrong?



Konstantinos -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 7:58:07 PM)

wow, you people think 'just hanging around' is enough to call someone a close friend?

i dont live in the US, but here i have lots of friends that i wouldnt call close that i can just call and hang around. maybe not anytime, but if they arent busy they wont make some fake excuse or something.

as for close friends.. i have few. granted i am kinda.. complicated to get to learn, especially from others my age but yeah im definitely "lucky".. or rather blessed to have them.. even if i only know them online.



denbert -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 8:15:26 PM)

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I hear ya. I had a "best friend" in high school. We talked about anything and everything. We trusted each other with our confidential stuff. We were there for each other no matter what. I have a lot of friends but none as close as that one was. I miss that.



lrdl3537 -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 8:35:03 PM)

You know I think that is more of an issue then most think. Men don't seem to have the same connection that women have. My wife is on the phone or computer all the time with women friends. But I don't have any connection either, anyone is welcome to email me and we can chat.
It's not the same as hanging out, but it's open communication about things. I'm trying to connect with more men of God.



Konstantinos -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 8:39:28 PM)

i dont think women have more close friends. they may talk more and be more around friends, but not necessarily close ones



musicplayer -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 8:47:43 PM)

thanks for the responses....it helps to know that I'm not the only one.

I have tried to make an effort....I've been in a couples group for 11 years, and a men's group for 4 years. But none of the guys are individuals I can truly connect with. I have many friends but no one I can call close. Between work and family I simply have no time to get deeply connected with other guys.

I used to have a group of guys I was close to (high school, college) but the close relationships that I had in the past have changed due to circumstance and time. My best friend now? My wife.



lrdl3537 -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 8:48:45 PM)

My wife has about 4 good close friends, but the rest are just people
she talks to.



FivePointer -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/18/2008 11:36:06 PM)

same here. All of my friends are work related, more like very good acquaintances truth be told. As you get older and with all the familial and work responsibilities that go along with that i think it makes it very hard to become close to someone else. I've had close friends but time and circumstance have put them in the past. Having said that though, the truth is that it really doesn't bother me, maybe when the home is totally child free it will though. It reminds me of a quote from the movie "Stand by me".

Narrator: I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?.



APZR -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/19/2008 1:01:29 AM)

Okay, push back from the computer, stay away from the forum for at least 2 weeks, do something you enjoy for at least 1 hour per day, and you'll be on your way to finding a close friend. My brother and brother in law are my two best buds. Have another good friend whom I only see a few times a year, but we have a lot in common (except the country where we were born) that I would go any where at any time to help. I learned a while back that when you have to move, your friends will host a going away part. But your true friends will help you move with a tear in their eyes and an excited smile on their face.



musicplayer -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/19/2008 7:14:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: APZR

My brother and brother in law are my two best buds. Have another good friend whom I only see a few times a year, but we have a lot in common (except the country where we were born) that I would go any where at any time to help. I learned a while back that when you have to move, your friends will host a going away part. But your true friends will help you move with a tear in their eyes and an excited smile on their face.


You have been blessed my man. I have 6 brother in laws and can't count any of them as a close friend. and the sad thing is, if I were to move away, I'd probably get the party, but no tears or help.



Konstantinos -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/19/2008 7:41:56 AM)

i agree on the doing something you like.

with guys you usually beome good friends while doing something whereas with girls with talking



kernsfamily -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/19/2008 9:56:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicplayer

I'm happily married, love my job, and keep very busy with work and family. The other day my wife and I were talking about her possibly taking the kids out of town early for a few days while I continued to work. Then it dawned on me.... I really don't have any good friends that I can simply call up and hang out with. It is not that I don't know anyone- I know lots of people, and I'm pretty friendly- just don't have any close friends. I've tried inititating some things over the years- lunches, dinners with spouses, but no one ever seems to reciprocate. SO right now, the only close people in my life are my family. Is something wrong here or is this the way it is these days?


iam the same way...

AND, my wife takes the kids up to her parents for about a month or so in the summer (and I fly up for weekends), but, for the most part, when i do try to "initiate" anything with those who I am "friends" with (which, like the OP, I know lots of people, and I'm pretty friendly- just don't have any close friends) , nothing happens. I am VERY MUCH an "introvert", but when I see guys being good friends with other guys, or try to join in on a conversation with other guys, when we're together with a group of couples, I feel SO 'left out'....

so, do I not have "friends" at the office? sure I do. My "best friend" here is Michelle. I am still GREAT friends with another co-worker from SEVEN years ago....Pamela. see the pattern?

My pastor brings up the whole "men" and "women" in the office thing. He makes a point of letting us all know that he doesn't do ANYTHING with "just" another woman (even if it's lunch or whatever)....and advises ALL men to do the same thing.....well, it's likely he's ABLE to do that, because HE has plenty of "guy friends".....

so, nope...you're not the only one. I am the WORST at making friends with anyone AT ALL....(it's just one of those "skills" that I never got to "develop" when i was a kid....at all....).....but, I am slowly getting there, i think.....



APZR -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/19/2008 12:43:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicplayer
You have been blessed my man. I have 6 brother in laws and can't count any of them as a close friend. and the sad thing is, if I were to move away, I'd probably get the party, but no tears or help.


Yes blessed indeed, we are like peas and carrots. Not close with my other BIL, but no demise or hate either.



imMrBill -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/19/2008 5:56:20 PM)

Yeah I am always joking with my wife that when I finally leave this earth she'll have to rent 6 guys to carry the casket. Heck she'd have trouble finding one.



lostinthe50s -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/20/2008 8:55:00 AM)

Men, this hits so close to home for me in many of your posts.... I had a pastor as a "close friend" for 13 years - I asked him to help me with a piece of furniture when we moved....- and I could tell he really didn't want to help - and did so reluctantly....so I don't ask any longer; Imake the need known and trust the Lord to provide - true friends offer!
I had three brothers-in-law, they'd help, but not friends by any stretch - too many years between us in age. I never had close friends in school - I wasn't allowed to play sports or attend school events where friendships could develop. so I became a loner not by choice buy by circumstance, but desparately desire deep friendship.....alas, probably not gonna happen in person - so my online IM buddies are it.

Jim



denbert -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/20/2008 8:14:04 PM)

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Looks like there's a whole bunch of us in the same boat.



musicplayer -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/20/2008 8:35:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: imMrBill

Yeah I am always joking with my wife that when I finally leave this earth she'll have to rent 6 guys to carry the casket. Heck she'd have trouble finding one.


I already told my wife that with 6 brothers in law, at least I've got this thing covered![:)]



zamdad -> RE: Lack of good friends (8/21/2008 2:09:34 AM)

quote:

denbert
-
Looks like there's a whole bunch of us in the same boat.


True but sad. I see it regularly here on this forum, men that want deeply to connect with other men. Yet unable to find men to make this connection face to face.



John_O -> RE: Lack of good friends (9/8/2008 3:42:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicplayer
You have been blessed my man. I have 6 brother in laws and can't count any of them as a close friend. and the sad thing is, if I were to move away, I'd probably get the party, but no tears or help.


You have to consider yourself blesses. I have one local brother in law. I'd be moved and gone for at least 6 months before he'd even notice. (His loss)



Knolt -> RE: Lack of good friends (9/10/2008 11:40:55 AM)

A lot of people are like "Islands" today. It's really too bad. I don't think it's necessarily true that people don't like you and don't want to be your friend, it's just that people are downright busy with things such as family, watching tv, and what not. Most of my male friends are from work. We do stuff sometimes but still people are just so dang busy. I totally feel for you. Here are some suggestions that'll help you connect with other men. You can join a softball league, you can perhaps take up Mixed Martial Arts too, that my friend is a good one. There you would also learn effective street self-defense too. Just get involved those things, those are the best places to become friends with other guys. Anywhere where it's a competitive, commaradarie like enviroment. I hope that helps.



Oldwing -> RE: Lack of good friends (9/13/2008 8:10:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: denbert

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I hear ya. I had a "best friend" in high school. We talked about anything and everything. We trusted each other with our confidential stuff. We were there for each other no matter what. I have a lot of friends but none as close as that one was. I miss that.

Denny - I had cocooned with my wife for almost 2 decades before the Lord puled me out of that rut. It took cancer to op0en my eyes not only to Him but to His creations and the people of the world. I reconnected with my high school best friend and it turned out he is a pastor, so during my convalescence my wife and I moved to be near him and we now attend his church where I receive youth from those younger than me, wisdom from those older than me and friendship from all.

All you have to do is reach out. Someone will answer.



David3078 -> RE: Lack of good friends (9/19/2008 4:58:06 PM)

I am in the same boat with some of you all. I have people who I call friends, but they really aren't close friends.. I say this because I am always the one driving 50 or 75 miles every time they want to hang out. They always make up excuses for not wanting to come and see me, but they want me to come and visit them. They keep telling me that the reason they won't come see me is that their car has too many miles on it or that I live in a dry county is the reason... That's not true friendship, and I am seriously about to break ties with these people becuase they won't come and visit me. Is this wrong of me to want to not be friends with people like that?

I also can't vent to many of my "friends" because they are the type who go and tell others my business that I don't want told to some people, then they form negative oppinions about me, just because of a mistake I made or an oppinion I had... I don't like that. I find it hard to trust anyone other than GOD because of this....



MisterTR -> RE: Lack of good friends (9/21/2008 7:59:41 AM)

It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one struggling to make friends. I didn't realize how I don't have someone I can just call and talk and tell anything to until my wife and I struggled with some tough marriage issues. My counselor was the only person I could really talk to besides my wife. (My pastor is a woman, and I didn't think it was right to talk to her to gripe about my wife.)

In person connections are best, but online connections can be good, too. Any suggestions on making meaningful connections on this site? With so many people here, how do you make real and personal connections? I'm pretty new here and a bit overwhelmed.



Got2BTru -> RE: Lack of good friends (9/23/2008 11:24:06 PM)

I'm in the same boat... I've got a couple very good buddies, but we don't live in the same area any more. We keep in pretty close contact through email, but sometimes it would be really nice if we could just "hang out" in person.

My job has moved me around a few times, so maybe that's part of the reason. But, I've been in the same area now for about 2 years and have not made a connection with anyone. I'm really frustrated with the church guys because they seem too wrapped up in "church" to make time for anything else. I've also noticed that most folks have extended family in the area and really don't need or have time for outside friends.



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