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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not assuming his responsbility as HIGH priest of HOME
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/18/2008 12:51:45 AM
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jaimestarcross
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Do you have any family members that can help
you in this situation with your husband?
I know when my brother was abusing drugs/alcohol and being verbally abusive our mom gave him a choice - get help or find another place to live.
He left home... it took a long time for him to get help but he did get help.
Please take action to protect yourself and your children... all it takes for trouble to happen is for the wrong person to be smelling marijuana coming from your home or on your husband's clothing/person or seeing him buy it from a dealer.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/18/2008 5:59:02 PM
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ruthyrich
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He is a narccasist. He is like my husband, the only difference is that mine is an alcoholic.
Does he act totally different in public? Like does he dote over you as though you were the greatest thing to happen to him or like he is showing off a great car?
Is there such a difference in his personality from moment to moment that you have entertained the notion that he might be schitzophrenic?
Does he expect you to dress and act a certain way when you go out? To the point if you are not looking good to him, then he won't go out or finds an excuse for not going at the last minute?
Does he say something or tell you to do something and later tells you he never said it? For instance, my husband told me to put a favorite shirt of his in the puppies cage because it had a hole in it, so it was no good anymore. The next day he went to clean the puppies cage out and found the shirt. He said that he never told me to do that. He said that I was hearing things or I must be crazy and was really upset. The first couple of times he did this, I thought he might be right, but it happened more and more and I began to realize it was not me, but him. Then I thought he was forgetful, then I thought it was a game. Once I found some narcasist jokes on line I laghed at the first couple, then once I realized most of them were my husband it just became sad.
Is everything that goes wrong in your lives or his somehow your fault, according to him?
Does he take his faith in the Lord so far, to the point he comes across like he thinks he is God himself.? Not to the point he comes right out and says, "I am God", but to the point he demeans you morally, lik he is perfect and can do no wrong? Mine would tell me that his conscience is clear and he has no problem with the way he has treated me. He would always say it was my fault when we were fighting.
Does he demean your accomplishments? For instance, even though I am a woman, I have a talent for fixing things. My husband worked for the condo association where we lived. He managed and did yard and pool work. The pool was to be inspected and he had to work overtime. This meant he did not have time to clean the pool. I worked all day on the pool. I got it ready for inspection, down to fixing a delapadated gate so that it would work and latch. I was so happy. I was going to show my husband that I loved him and make him feel good by suprising him. When I showed him what I had done and that he could rest because all was finished he yelled. He told me that was his job. He said that I was should not have taken association responsibilities into my own hands. He said that it would have inspected anyways, even though the water was not at the right chemical levels, the sides and bottom needed to be scrubbed and vacumed and I had to algecide it due to algee and the pool door would not shut.
Does he not seam to emphathise with you on any level? Or does he seam not to care weather or not he has hurt you and not be able to understand why?
Mine was like this.
I prayed. I went to church. I rededicated my life to the Lord. I tried counciling. I did everything. Nothing helped.
I just thought it was me. It was.
There is a proverb that says "Like a dog returns to his vomit, a fool will return to his folly".
This is where my problem lied. You should forgive, but forgivness does not neccesarily mean forget. If he is abusive, or you feel you or your children are in danger. You should get out.
It took me two years of marraige to figure this out. Looking back, the Lord was with me at almost every turn. He showed me truths about myself and about my husband. God used the really rotten way my husband was treating my son and I to strengthen me. To grow my son and myself into stonger more faithful christians.
Before we left, I was bringing emotionally needy teens to church with me. The Lord used the extra kids I was mentoring to get to me. One of the 15 year olds who stayed at the house alot, due to a neglectful mom, kept telling me to get out. She kept saying that my son and I were in danger.
She was right. So was everyone else. My pastors wife told me I should. The youth director family told me I should. My son told me we should. A still small voice in my heart told me I should.
I didn't listen to any of them until my son was the object of my husbands quick, volital temper one night.
I was feeding the extra kids, like usual, before we took off to a church function. They were all there.
My husband was getting too close to my 14 yr old son. I mean, my husband put his face so close to my sons that he had to move back. My son kept pleading with my husband, please move back. My husband said he was just playing. My son said, even so you need to move back. My husband got closer and closer until my son was backed in the corner against the microwave cart where he couldn't move. My son begged my husband to please, please, please move back. My husband moved in with to put his arm around my son's neck. My husband held my son close to his side and used the other hand to try and punch my son in the stomach. My son simply blocked my husbands punch. It was a strong enough block that my husband ended up hitting himself instead. It was really scarry.
We all piled in the car, extra kids and all, and set off to church. They all saw what happened.
The youth director told me that we needed to get out. That night after I dropped all of the other kids at their homes, I took my son the extra hour and half drive to his daddy's. I let him stay there for a week, until pay day, and we left. The church had taken up a collection for us to make the jorney.
My son and I packed up and moved from Arkansas to Ohio where I had family and support that I really did not have in Arkansas.
It has not been that long, and the wound is still very very fresh. With every step toward a new life, we have both joy and tears. We know that we can't go back, and it hurts us. I know the Lord is with us as he has found us a church like the one back home, and has seen to every one of our needs. That doesn't mean it is not a hard road. I do not think it is supposed to be easy though.
Let the Lord show you the way. Listen to your heart, that is where Jesus talks to us. Listen to what others say to you, especially your trusted Christian friends. God uses strange people and circumstances to get our attention.
Above all, keep your faith. The Lord knows what you need most, even if you do not.
Remember, WHERE GOD GUIDES, GOD PROVIDES.
Love in Christ
RR
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/19/2008 2:46:38 PM
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dyluck
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quote:
ORIGINAL: delete123
It is nice you have all this head knowledge, but you should learn to apply it, before you start throwing judgement and accessing someone as a non Christian. You come here and read only a portion of what I had wrote without knowledge of the whole story, which God does know and try to point fingers, claiming that I am not a Christian plus stating my ex was not a christian, which I did not state in anyway. So let me ask you, Who died and made you God?
What gives you the right to judge me and call me a non Christian? Do you know me personally? I think not! You must have taken an on line bible class, because that's all you do is throw words around, but never had much involvement with the experience. He who is without *sin* let him cast the first stone. So I guess you must be sinless with all these stones you are throwing at me.
Wow... I never once accused you of not being a Christian. I can only comment on what you put here. Your comment may have been vague, but what response do you want? I simply didn't agree (based on what you wrote) that you did the totaly right thing. Now that doesn't negate that the lord is not full of forgiveness.
I really don't think accusing me of being a "Man" in my ignorance of your complete situation is really a great thing, but I will humbly accept it. I do feel your statement was far more condecending and not out of love then mine. Clearly I don't know your situation. If you choose to write things on a thread, be prepared to have it read, be prepared for people to give oppinions and or concerns. As christians it should be out of love for eachother as it commands in the bible, and I don't think my statement was out of anything other then love.
If you think you are 100% justified and 100% right, then so be it; however, if a brother cannot point out something he notices is not good and "rebuke" his brother or sister out of love is bad, then you need to do a study on that. So don't go around accusing me please. Based on your harsh reply back to rebuke, I feel (not judge) that you originally posted your story to feel justified by your actions. Do we not teach our children to learn from our mistakes???
This post isn't about you, it is about apple.
She probably knows that she should hold no man in regard and look to biblical truths and interceed with Jesus about about whatever decision she needs to make in her life. Not about us influence her based on our wordly life experences. (including myself, which is the reason I didn't feel it necissary to post my story on there (weather I think is was wrong or right). The only person we should be patterening and testing our lives against is JESUS!
It is about what the Word of God says 
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/19/2008 6:25:05 PM
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delete123
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With all due respect Dyluck~
Sometimes the Lord does do things more than what you think. We are all living testaments for Him and through Him.
Yes I understand the thread is about Apple, yet all I was doing was expressing that the Lord does come to our aid using an incident that had happened to me. (called experience)
I know it is not all about me, nor in any of my post do I make it all about me. I try to use some of my experiences to help the person and let them know they are not alone in their trial.
We each have our walks and so maybe this is not your area, since you yourself are #1 young, #2 do not have children to consider.
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RuthyRich~
May our Lord continue to bless you and your child. Thanx for sharing
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/19/2008 11:49:54 PM
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applemom
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I did not intend to come across as super spiritual, gladly enduring a dismal marriage. The modern equivelent of flagelating.
Each day I struggle and strive toward the ideals I laid out. Somedays end with victory but more often than not with nagging thoughts of how I failed, how did I end up in such a mess, how messed up my own children are and how far I am from what I, (not the LORD) think would have been a'good' life.
Some of my struggles have changed as I have learned more about myself, just how ugly I can be when provoked, (there is no stone I can cast) just how accountable I really am. There have been days on end when I haven't prayed, haven't lifted him up to the LORD at all.
There have been many days I just cast myself at the Lord and say, I can't go on, You have to carry me. Too many days when I didn't even do that, just existed.
Take heart Apple, I do believe the Bible, I do believe God loves me and you. and our spouses. He did not come to destroy but to save lives.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/20/2008 5:21:43 PM
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chrisovery
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unfortunately this happening with many husbands. but i am going to ask you a few questions.
1. was your husband this way when you met him?
2. were you saved before you married him?
3. do you submit yourselves as the word of god tells a wife to submit to there husband?
4. do you pray for your husband or with your husband?
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/21/2008 2:34:11 PM
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dyluck
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yeah!!! chrisovery
God must be the center!
I think reading the bible together (weather we like it or not) and praying together everyday is HUGE! I can tell you I know both ends of the spectrum and it does make a world of difference.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/21/2008 4:09:02 PM
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chrisovery
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yes dyluck, we do need to keep god in the center of all things. but if we are trying to enforce a change of heart on someone to match ours is very hard to do and should not be done in such ways. what i see alot of in todays world many women get involved with men because of money, good looks or other worldly reasons. then they want to change the man. when the man sees this he becomes angry and withdrawn from his wife because if she loved him enough to marry him the way he was in the beginning then she should love him enough to accept him the way he is now. i think many of us could possibly profit from the scriptures of 1 peter 3.
appleingodseye my ?'s were directed to you. we cant give wise counsel with only one part of the story. and with that, you chose to marry your husband and i do not know if either of you knew god before marriage or if you came to god after marriage. but my suggestion to you is above as reading 1 peter 3 and to spend time in prayer for your husband.
< Message edited by chrisovery -- 9/22/2008 1:51:17 PM >
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It is utterly impossible to govern a nation with out the Lord Jesus Christ and the bible.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/21/2008 8:44:34 PM
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delete123
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chrisovery
what i see alot of in todays world many women get involved with men because of many, good looks or other worldly reasons. then they want to change the man. when the man sees this he becomes angry and withdrawn from his wife because if she loved him enough to marry him the way he was in the beginning then she should love him enough to accept him the way he is now.
Chrisovery~
It is nice you believe this, but you are missing some very essentials. Apple has been abused, people that are abused who have not dealt with the issues have a tendancy to end up in abusive relationships.
Men who are aware and take advantage because they want to control their surroundings get involved with unhealed women.
So to make such a broad statment with not even knowing the facts is poor judgement on your behalf including you agreer Dyluck
Not every woman marries for looks or finances, this may be your experience, but DO NOT make it an EVERY Woman statement.
And not EVERY woman is trying to *change* the person she married. Maybe a young naive woman may think this way, but this is not the case
Re read Apple's post
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/22/2008 10:34:57 AM
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chrisovery
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delete123, do not put words into my mouth. i stated that many women not all.
appleingodseye, one thing i know is that if you only see your husbands lack then you do not build him up in the areas that he is good in. this is important to build him up in what he is good at doing and the good things in him and be gentle with him in the confrontation of the bad things. unfortunately it is hard to work with a man that is stubborn and prideful. i would not tell you to divorce your husband because it is not biblical but sometimes in a case like this drastic majors need to be taken to make a person realize who they are and who they have been. i would suggest a temporary separation. but more than this i think you should work on appreciating your husband for being a good provider and being thankful to god that you have a husband.
i am not saying to condone your husbands bad things but to help him to see what is appreciated by the lord and what is not. but the bigger problem seems to be that you did not take a long enough period to get to know your husband before 1. having intimate relations with him and 2. before marrying him. in this it is not only your husbands short comings but also yours if you sinned with him before marriage.
< Message edited by chrisovery -- 9/22/2008 3:05:58 PM >
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/23/2008 5:46:16 AM
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vicbhe
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You can only change you, so change! Change your situation! If it means kicking his drug using self on the street then do it. If that means becoming legally separated or even divorced, then do it. I do not believe God ever intended for us to sit around and tolerate this kind of behavior in our marriage.
I am glad that you came to the realization that you are not responsible for his addictions. Truth is you may be enabling his behavior by making accommodations for it. I can say this from experience. Years after my divorce I struggled wondering what was my role in the downfall of my marriage, I read all the books on being a good husband, practiced all those things. I honestly couldn’t see my part in the downfall of it all, (understanding that non of us are perfect and no marriage is perfect) and then I realized I was an enabler. I never held her accountable for her behavior. Would it have made a difference? I don't know but being a doormat certainly did nothing to help and pretty much destroyed my self-worth.
I do realize this puts the burden on you to change your situation. If he is a good financial provider, it’s kinda hard to do without the money. Even that seems unfair doesn’t it?
As far as him changing after you got married….. I hate that for you. It happens a lot. I recently talked to a young lady who came out of a very bad marriage with similar circumstances. He put on the 'Chrisitan show' also. Before she had children with this man he was abusive, did drugs in front of her, etc. In fact his whole family abused her emotionally. She told me she had prayed for a ‘sign’ as to leave him or not. She didn’t get her ‘sign’ to leave so she stayed. Now she has children by this man, divorced, and he is still making her life a living hell. As for her ‘sign’? Did God not give us common sense?
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/23/2008 12:08:14 PM
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schween
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Some men think that for as long as they carry out their main role in the family, which is providing, then they're good. Women are sensitive and emotional and would love to have love all the time. Maybe your husband has got a lot things going inside him, perhaps making sure there's "food for the table". There is always that moment when you two connect. That would be the best time to tell him how and what you feel and what you expect from him. Listen him out and meet halfway. God bless.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/23/2008 4:06:05 PM
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chrisovery
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schween this is a true post. many men do not take the rest of their role seriously or don't think they should do it.
vicbhe, you are taking away countability from her. if she sinned before marriage or put being with a man more important than jesus and did sleep with him before hand or did not take time to truly test him and see if he was consistent that is her fault in the marriage. this happens to many people they jump in either to sin or they jump in without seeking the lord and testing the person thoroughly. we often want to blame everyone but ourselves concerning our bad decisions and the situations we put ourselves into. this we don't have to look out ourselves or our sins. god does not want us to be unhappy but if we are truly in christ then no one can take that joy unless we allow them to.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/23/2008 5:45:05 PM
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vicbhe
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Chrisovery, I considered the things you said and would agree that we are responsible for the choices we make. However I do not beleive God would want someone staying in a situation where there is illigal drug use and our kids are being taught these things by example.
I reread the OP and unless I missed it I didnt see her state any of the things that followed the "IF" in your response to me. What I did read is that this man deceived her by hiding his true heart from her and giving her the image that she wanted to see. I would agree that she should have been more wise to this as a person's true heart will eventually be revealed over time. We often chose to ignore red flags.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/24/2008 6:07:34 AM
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chrisovery
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vicbhe, she made the decision to marry him. if she did not take the time to get to know him and to seek gods will on the matter that is her problem as well as her fault. i know it seems as though i am being unmerciful here. but its not that. we seem to think that we can do our own will and then when things get hard or we find out its not the way it should be we want to go against the word of god even more by divorce or something like that. you wouldn't tell somebody to let a murderer out of prison because they were unhappy in there. so how are you going to suggest a divorce because she chooses to be unhappy?
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/24/2008 8:54:59 AM
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dyluck
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quote:
or even divorced, then do it. I do not believe God ever intended for us to sit around and tolerate this kind of behavior in our marriage.
We've crossed this bridge before. Drug abuse is not biblical terms for divorce. (now drugs were not apparent in the bible, but drunkeness or out of self-control is not mentioned as reason for divorce). Seperation for a short time (biblical) for him to realize his lame-brainness, but not divorce. He is the "non-christian" she is commanded to "live" with. According to the bible, I would say her husband is the only one that can freely leave if He chooses, but if he decides to stick through it, then so does Apple.
If she is in line with God, then she becomes the covering for her family and her kids WILL be in line... Otherwise God says that the children will be "unholy"... from what I read from the bible, this is not God's will; therefore apple becomes the covering if she truly is following the way of the Lord and her Children will be in line with God no-matter-what.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/24/2008 8:11:21 PM
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vicbhe
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I said what I said in response to the OP based on my convictions. I know all the arguments surrounding divorce, there is a whole thread devoted to debating all that as I'm sure everybody knows.
As far as this thread; I have my comments to offer the OP and that is what I have done. I stand behind all I said.
The OP did not mention any form of abuse, however she did mention feeling a need to flee, and getting her kids to a safer place. Obviously she feels threatened by this man for some reason. I’m seeing more here than someone who is just unhappy and looking for an easy out.
That being said; I do not encourage easy divorce, I understand even a good marriage is difficult.
I will have to agree with Chrisovery that being in a bad marriage is like being in prison. I don't know that I'd equate apple's bad choice with being a murderer. I say that in humor, I know what you meant.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/25/2008 6:14:27 AM
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chrisovery
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lol vicbhe, i see where you are coming from and what you are seeing. but this is what i am seeing. i am seeing a young lady jump into marriage with a man without seeking the lords face, not repenting for putting a relationship before him, not seeking him or calling upon him for help. to often we run to mans ways of thinking and the easy way out. she has found that this was not a great move on her part, but rather than seeking the lords face she wants to wine and cry because of the situation she got into because of herself.
i am sorry, but i am not truly sorry. we need to start being responsible for our actions and taking responsibility for them aswell.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/28/2008 12:09:09 AM
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dyluck
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I agree, true accountability is holding, steadfast, to what you have sown.
Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight"
The lord not only blesses those that overcome and perservere, look at the amazing and unfathomable verse below:
Revelation 3:21
To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne.
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RE: My husband is a GREAT financial provider but not as... - 9/30/2008 12:43:12 PM
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chrisovery
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yes we are correct. but the world states take the easy way out for your mistakes rather than repenting for them and living the life that god would have you to live. mankind truly is selfish isnt it. we want a divorce when we are not getting our way or it is not feeling the way we want it to. all about us, never thinking that we set it as a higher standing in our lives than god and in that not taking the time to truly get to know those that are interested in us in prayer that the lord will make the right choice for us.
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