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Pengie -> Pengie's Puddle (9/15/2008 5:55:01 PM)

I have started this thread as a place for those to come who are in or have been in abusive relationships. This is a safe place. You can come here to vent. You can come here for support. You can come here for prayer.

I, myself know firsthand what it is like to live in an abusive relationship. I even tried to raise a daughter in one and protect her from the harm it caused. In the end, I failed to shield her and I now have servere post-traumatic-stress-disorder.

I promise to tell my story as time allows.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/15/2008 6:02:47 PM)

For now I leave you with this:

From the Lord to His Women

Support man

as the rib cage supports the body

You were not taken from his feet

to be under him

nor were you taken from his head

to be above him

You were taken from his side

to stand beside him

and be held close to his side

You are My perfect creature

You are My beautiful little girl

You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence

and My eyes fill

when I see the virtues in your heart

Your eyes

so beautiful

Your lips

how lovely when they part in prayer

Your nose

so perfect in form

Your hands

so gentle to touch

I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep

I've held your heart close to Mine

Of all that lives and breathes

you are most like Me

Adam walked with Me in the cool of the day

yet he was lonely

He could not see Me or touch Me

He could only feel Me

So everything I wanted Adam to share

and experience with Me

I fashioned in you

My holiness ...

My strength ...

My purity ...

My love ...

My protection ...

and support

You are special

because you are an extension of Me

Man represents My image

woman - My emotions

Together

you represent the totality of God

So man is to treat his women well

Love her

respect her

for she is fragile

In hurting you, he hurts Me

What man does to you

he does to Me

In crushing her

he only damages his own heart

the heart of his heavenly Father

and the heart of her Father

Woman is to support man

and above all

pray continually for his mind

for his decisions affect you both

and your prayers birth My will into his life

In humility

you are to show him the power of emotion

I have given youA Letter from the Lord to His Women


Dear Precious One,

When I created the heavens and the earth

I spoke them into being

When I created man

I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils

But you - I fashioned after I breathed

the breath of life into man

because your nostrils are too delicate

I allowed a deep sleep to come over him

so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you

Man was put to sleep

so that he could not interfere with My creativity

From one bone I fashioned you

I chose the bone that protects man's life

I chose the rib

which protects his heart and lungs

and supports him

as you are meant to do

Around this one bone

I shaped you

I molded you

I created you perfectly

and beautifully

Your characteristics are as the rib strong

yet delicate and fragile

You provide protection

for the most delicate part of man - his heart

His heart is the center of his being

his lungs hold the breath of life

The ribcage will allow itself to be broken

before it will allow damage to the heart



In gentle quietness

you show your strength

In love

you show him

that you are the rib

that protects his inner self

Did you not know that woman -

you are special in God's eyes?

Now you really know ...

And for those of you who bear children

I call you Mother -

for you are My other .....
]



leah777 -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/15/2008 6:40:57 PM)


Pengie, I'm so pleased to see you got this started. That's a beautiful piece, btw. I've only heard parts of it before -- never the whole thing. Thank you for posting it.



magdaleine -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/15/2008 9:32:07 PM)

Hi Pengie. Glad you started this. {{{{{{{{{{Pengie}}}}}}}}}}}



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/15/2008 10:07:53 PM)

Thanks Leah and Maggie!

And I finally got the link right![:)]



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/15/2008 10:44:08 PM)

To begin my story I need to go back to the age of 12 when I first found Christ. It was at a Baptist Revival and oh what an experience it was! I felt the Lord's Spirit move deep within me. I knew then that somehow I would be connected with Jesus all my life.

At the age of 16, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer that proved to have moved into my lymph glands. Over 30 tumors were removed during 2 surgeries just 6 weeks apart. Then started the radiation treatments that would last at least 2 years. This all began during my Junior year of High School, yet I still managed to graduate on time and with good grades.

I know I did all this because of the Grace of God. The morning of my first surgery I had placed myself in his hands - live or die. At that time DR's weren't offering much hope, but as time went by, God continued to sustain me.

I had several reacurrences, and each time the Lord saw me through.

Fast Forward to April 1988. I was 25 and working as a child care provider, running my own successful business. I had been a preschool teacher and had an sparkling reputation.
Then I met a 21 year old college student and broke my own rule and dated a younger man. He seemed so mature for his age. He was attentive and kind. Smart and funny, and a good listener. He wasn't a knock out like Mel Gibson or anyone, but he grew on me.
I asked him if he was a Christian and he said "yes, I'm a Methodist". Happy with his answer I didn't explore further. I was too immature in my own walk with the Lord to know to do so. I thought I had found the one for me. So August 12,1989 we were married in a church before the Eyes of God.

To be continued . . .



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/16/2008 3:49:29 AM)

Pengie, I'm not in an abusive relationship, but can I still come to support you?[sm=hug.gif]



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/16/2008 5:48:47 AM)

Hello!
Of course! The more , the merrier! [sm=wave.gif] [:D]



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/16/2008 9:31:04 PM)

Continueing with my story:

My new husband moved into the house I lived in. It was my Grandmother's home and had been left to me rent free to be caretaker. It was a small 2 bedroom cape cod home with a large fenced yard. Perfect for me and my kids.

After the wedding, we didn't have a big budget, so we spent our honeymoon week at home. We sight-seed local areas and traveled to nearby cities of interest.

I was married on a Saturday, by that Wednesday, I knew something was wrong. My new husband managed to get himself into a fight with a neighbor over a petty dispute. My husband was clearly in the wrong, but his temper flared. I watched in horror as my Grandmother's 50 yr relationship with this man went down in flames. I wanted to support my husband, but all I could feel was shame and the need to apologize for him.

Things only got worse fom there. My husband spent the next 3 months flipping from good guy to bad guy and always over money it seemed. He was just learning how to pay bills where I had been paying my own for years. He would flip out and push me and scream at me all kinds at vulgar names. Than started the bruises. Than as suddenly as it had started, he would flip back and cry and tell me how sorry he was and hold me.
I was so confused.
I had never been around any kind of violence before.
I had given up my own personal health Ins to marry him, as he had a great job and better ins. If I left I would be uninsured![sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]
My wonderful dad came over after about 2 months of marriage and sat us down and tried to talk to us both about how to work together. He offered sound advice, but I don't think my husband heard him.

3 months into our marriage I went to the ER with bruises around my neck and a crushed larynex. That is when I first learned to lie. The ER people suspected abuse and called the police. When they got there and questioned me, I didn't want to hurt my husband. So I lied. I didn't tell them how he pushed me to the floor with his hands around my throat.

. . .



magdaleine -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/16/2008 10:25:13 PM)

{{{{{{{Pengie}}}}}}}



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/16/2008 11:35:52 PM)

Thanks for the hugs, Maggie. This is a difficult story to write - many painful memories.[sm=popsigh.gif]



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/16/2008 11:55:35 PM)

My husband's actions didn't stop with just me. He was affecting the sweet babies I cared for each day. You see, he came home by 4pm and most of the children were there until 6pm. I had been watching 2 little boys for 3 yrs and both mothers were expecting their 2nd babies and planning on me for childcare.

Well, my husband hated the kids. He especially loathed a little boy named Matthew and would tease and taunt this innocent child daily. My husband simply would not go into a bedroom and watch tv or something until the kids went home. He stayed out in the livingroom/playroom and got angier each day.

Out of fear that my babies were in danger, I decided to give notice that I was leaving go my childcare business. I didn't tell the parents why, but I wanted the kids out of danger. So by Christmas 1989, my livelihood was gone. Only to compound the issue of money all the more.

During this same span of time (Sept thru Dec) I was undergoing cancer treatments which severly slowed down my metabolism and increased my dependency on my husband for health ins.

I tried to make a go of selling Mary Kay cosmetics. But I am no saleswoman, and quickly fell on my overly make -uped face.[sm=silly.gif]

The only skills I was trained for were childcare and I had learned that the only way to make any money was to be an in-home provider. Centers only paid minimum wages. Looking back, I should have at least taken that option.



rayofson -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/17/2008 10:16:38 AM)

Hi Pengie [sm=wave.gif]

I was abused as a child.



magdaleine -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/17/2008 10:39:27 AM)

{{{{{Ray}}}}} Ray, have you ever read Stormie Omartian's autobiography? She was horrendously abused as a child. Her story is very good and encouraging. I think the title is simply "Stormie."



rayofson -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/17/2008 10:47:44 AM)

No, I haven't.


(((((Maggie)))))



magdaleine -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/17/2008 10:55:37 AM)

Thanks, Ray.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/17/2008 5:08:39 PM)

Ray, I'm so sorry to hear this. How are you now?

I have read Stormie's story. She endured alot and has God the thank for a fantastic recovery. Her books on prayer are awesome, too.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/17/2008 11:31:34 PM)

After the babies left, my husband seemed to settle down. His temper would flare however anytime I spent any money. I would be called all sorts of foul names and be pushed around and bruised. My husband is 6' and I am 5'3". No match for him at all. I quickly learned that money was more important to him than me. So, I did my best to comply with his wishes and not spend anything. I didn't always succeed.

We had our first anniversary in that little house where we lived rent free.
My husband never did see this as a contribution on my part, but rather thought the house too small. He was determined that we move and buy a larger home. So, I gave up my inheritance to another cousin as was my Grandmother's wishes and we became morgage owners.

Once settled in our new home, we were happy for a while. Than a mood swing would hit my husband now and again for no apparent reason.
It was perplexing for me to try to understand what was happening.

One day, I slipped into the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. It came back positve! I went out into the living room on cloud nine. I was going to have a baby! But, before I could tell my husband my news, he flipped moods and started hitting and pushing on me as he yelled.
Frighented for my baby, I grabed the phone and dialed 911. My husband jumped into his car and left. I'll never forget that the first person who heard my 'good news' was a policeman.



magdaleine -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 1:01:23 AM)

[:(]

"Pengies Puddle" is a good name for this thread because of the tears that puddle on the floor while reading.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 1:37:20 AM)

Well, my husband came back calm and recieved my news happily. He had flipped back to his good side. He took excellant care of me while I was pregnant. Cooked healthy meals and made sure I took my vitamins and got to the DR. It was a VERY difficult pregnancy and I had to go on bed rest at 4 months.

When I was 9 months and VERY pregnant, just 1 week from my due date, I found a jounal my husband had been keeping. In it I learned that he was in love with a co-worker! He felt that me and the baby were stomes around his neck! He had attempted to take flowers to this woman, but thank God, she had spurned his advances. But still! The idea! He didn't love me!

I wasn't sure at this point if I even wanted him in the delivery room. I was so hurt! Finally, I relented and allowed him to witness the birth of his child. So, On January 30th 1992, I gave birth to a 12 lb (yes, I said 12 lb!) baby girl. My Gift from God, my daughter.[:D]



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 1:40:03 AM)

During pregnancy, everything grows. Including cancer. When my baby was 4 months old it was discovered that my cancer had returned and I once again started treatment.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 2:19:21 AM)

After my daughter was born, the next 4 years went by in a blur. I remember I got in trouble for spending too much money on baby clothes.
(I still don't think it was too much)

I remember seasons of fighting mixed with seasons of calm. It was all so confusing. I remember one year, Thankgiving Dinner got thrown in tne trash before anyone even had the chance to sit down to eat. I had to unpleasant task of calling both sets of Grandparents to tell them the meal was cancelled.

When my daughter was 4yrs old, I could stand no more. I applied for government housing and moved out. With us went my sweet puppy Maltese, Little Bit.

I tried desperately to find health coverage, but to no avail. So, after about 6 months, I had to except my husbands terms and live his way and move back to the house.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 4:04:03 AM)

My daughter is the joy of my heart. From the moment she was born I have been a stay home mom. We went to the playground, the zoo, the children' museum and the park. My husband made plenty of money, so she wanted for nothing. She took ballet classes, ice skating lessons, horseback riding lessons. We bought a piano and she took lessons for that, too. In the end it was the horses she loved. She went on to take Saddlebred lessons, winning several ribbons and medals in State compitions. We baked cookies together and made homemade candy, too

I homeschooled her until the 2nd grade due to her having some health issues. After that. we enroled her in a Montesorri school.

She was also attending church with me. We went to Sunday School and she always went to Bible School every Summer. My husband would attend now and again. He even helped me teach a preschool class one Sunday morning. However, by this time, I had pretty much figured out that he was NOT a Christian.[sm=popsigh.gif]

After moving back home, life fell into a twisted cylce of sometimes good days and somtimes horrid days. They were never predictable. My husband would just flip back and forth. It was hell. I was bruised many times. Each time we would fight, after my husband left, my dog Little Bit would come and snuggle in my arms and lick away my tears as I prayed for help.


On January 27, 2000 my Dad passed away. Just 3 days before my daughter's 8th birthday. I was devestated. I felt lost and alone in this world. My father was gone.

The night before my daughter's 9th birthday, my husband got into such a rage that he pinned me into a corner on the floor and beat my left arm until he broke the bone just below my shoulder. The muscle was completely pulverized. It took months to heal. My daughter spent her birthday at the DR with me while I got my arm fixed. That evening my family came to her party. Her father was a no-show.

Why I didn't leave him then I don't know. I guess I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. Health ins has always loomed over me as well. Plus, I did, and still do, take my marriage vows seriously.

Then slowly, softly, after a few months, I began to hear a soft voice calling me, reasurring me. "You have a Father - your Heavenly Father."
I felt this gentle nudge to start attending a particuliar church.
So that Summer I did.
It was wonderful!
The minister was just a normal man, but there was something special about him for me: I could hear God's Voice though his words! This was a new experience for me!
I began to attend regularly and got my daughter involved in the elementary program as well. I also for the first time in my life, read my Bible from cover to cover. I began to attend Bible studies and seminars, too.

Then, one special Sunday morning. the minister was talking about his boyhood. He described how he grew up with a father who was angry all the time. He described my life! He said something I had never heard of before. He said his father was bipolar!

Could that be it?

Was it treatable?

Would my husband go to a DR?

I began to pray.



Pengie -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 4:30:32 AM)

Help didn't come fast.

My husband continued to be abusive. I would hold him back and tell my daughter to hide and get out of his way before letting him run his rampage thru the house. I was afraid she would get run over in his rage.
I once found her hiding under the bathroom cabinet sink.

He even cornered me in the kitchen, stood behind me and held my head and growled into my ear " I could snap your neck, just like THAT!"



magdaleine -> RE: Pengie's Puddle (9/18/2008 6:14:07 AM)

Oh Pengie! {{{{{{{{{Pengie}}}}}}}}}



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