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Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 5:08:20 PM
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Sideways
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So, I understand that we all want to present a united front to our kids. But behind closed doors when you and your spouse are hashing out any differences, who tends to be the "softer" or more lenient parent and who tends to be the harsher parent?
I am mom in my family, and several other moms I've talked to said that they tend to be the softer parent, but I am definitely the harsher parent in my family. I think that's because I was raised by more disciplinarian parents, and my husband was raised by more softer parents. Quite honestly, I think they let him do most anything, but in their defense they raised two good, Christian men, so they had to have done something right!
What is is like in your family? Who generally has to "put their foot down" when it comes to imposing stricter discipline on the children?
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Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 5:20:15 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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We are pretty equal as far as discipline goes... I don't like to punish for what seems like natural curiosity when it's something that can prevented- putting my sewing things out of reach, making sure their aren't cups with water on the coffee table, etc... instead of punishing DD for touching them. Micah tends to just punish for those sorts of things, since "she should know better".
I am definitely softer as far as sleeping habits go, if Gabby wanted to sleep in bed with us it wouldn't bother me a bit.
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Ryanne- trying hard to be my husband's girlfriend and my daughter's mother.
I'll keep my guns, freedom, and money- you can keep "the change."
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 5:30:09 PM
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BlessedMamaofmany
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Hmm....that's a tough one. I think we are rather similar to Ryanne and Micah.
I am softer in some areas, tougher in others. Same with Justin.
I'll be interested to see other replies
Sandy
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Atheism: The belief that there was nothing, nothing happened to nothing, then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything, then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself into self-replicating bits that then turned into dinosaurs
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 9:49:19 PM
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Consecrated2God
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I am softer in some ways, but stricter in others. Actually, I think of myself as the more realistic parent.  Being a SAHM, I feel I'm in more tune with what kinds of behaviors I can realistically expect of my kids. If my husband says something to the kids like, "I want your room to be spotless in ten minutes or you are going to pay your mother $10 each to clean it for you" I will probably let him know that's not going to work because I know how long it would take to make their room spotless, and that they don't have that much money anyway. I am fairly strict, but one thing my mom taught me was to never make an idle threat. I should never say, "If you kids don't be quiet I'm going to stop this van and spank you all" unless I would actually follow through with that. He tends to say things that I couldn't reasonable enforce.
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"A faith that can be destroyed by suffering is not faith."--Richard Wurmbrand
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 10:37:10 PM
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Mrs.X
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
Actually, I think of myself as the more realistic parent.
Me too, in which case makes me the softer one.
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Turn right to go left
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 10:57:59 PM
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ladyingrace1979
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I'm definitely the stricter parent. DH tends to baby the kids. I think because of the twins developmental problems he babies them. I think he babies the older one because he feels bad that she is stuck with sisters than aren't "normal" and because of other stresses in our family. I spend more time with the kids so I know what they are capable.
Kim Q
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 11:10:59 PM
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PrincessDonna
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We're probably different than some. To someone looking from the outside, it might appear I am the softy and Brian is the harsh disciplinarian. That's not really true though, I don't think. Brian tends to raise his voice often and doesn't consider it raising his voice. But he's also the one most likely to have a quiet talk with one of the older kids and often gets a better response from them than I do. I get frustrated very easily and sometimes seem to be completely missing the mercy gene. 
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 11:40:59 PM
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zippty_day
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When we were younger, I was definately the softer parent and my husband too harsh. Now that we are near 40 with 19 years of experience, I'm happy to say we are both consistant. The only time it's hard for us to not be harsh has been when we are both very, very tired and the nearly 2 year old begins to cry over nothing. But we hope as she gets used to our boundries and the security of a real home and family this will fade away :)
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/21/2008 11:45:43 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
But we hope as she
I know the older two are boys, but I thought the little one was also a boy?
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Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/22/2008 12:43:38 AM
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cindybode
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That's a hard one to answer because it depends on your definition of harsh.
My husband tends to yell a lot, and he really sweats the small stuff. He's not good at picking his battles. In his mind, if they ask to do something the default answer is no. However, he's also not good at follow through. He yells, but that's pretty much where it ends, so despite the fact that he looks like the harsher parent from the outside, our kids don't really obey or respect him. 
OTOH, I rarely yell and don't get worked up over every little thing they do, but when I give an order I expect it to be obeyed. If I choose to fight the battle, I WILL win. However, my default answer is yes unless there is a compelling reason why they should not do what they want to do. I don't say no just to say no.
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If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/22/2008 8:32:31 AM
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Consecrated2God
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quote:
However, he's also not good at follow through.
Yep, follow through is my husband's weakness, too. Often he'll leave the follow-up to me. ("If you don't do such-and-such, Mom is going to (fill in the blank).") And he'll pick a consequence I would never have chosen, not because of it being too harsh, but just because it's too impractical to enforce.
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"A faith that can be destroyed by suffering is not faith."--Richard Wurmbrand
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/22/2008 10:03:42 AM
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zippty_day
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
But we hope as she
I know the older two are boys, but I thought the little one was also a boy?
Hi, see this Head lice, vaseline, & baby oil... for an explanation. :)
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/22/2008 10:13:28 AM
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zippty_day
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What really helped us a lot were these words of a very wise counselor..."Is it working for you?" If you aren't getting the response you're looking for then you/we need to try something else.
I think it has a lot to do with personality types. My husband is choleric, very impatient and rash. I'm sanguine and pretty much happy go lucky unless I have my mind set on something. I had absolutely no problems with my first born, phlagmatic, but my second born is a combo of hubby and mommy. Sometimes it seemed like I was beating the poor kid and couldn't get him to respond to my discipline. Then we realized that spanking wasn't always going to get the response we wanted. We also had to learn that he had the right to cry in his pillow, but we didn't have to put up with a tempertantrum on the floor. That can really make a parent harsh!!
Last night I felt I was very harsh with the baby girl, but she was absolutely fine while shopping until she got back in her carseat, then she started to cry when my husband closed the door over nothing. I was telling her to shut up! It was aweful. Occasionally, she stop but then started back up. So I put her in bed when we got home and she could cry in her pillow. But she went on and on until I finally told her to shut up again. Not exactly the way I want to put my child to bed. Sometimes at bedtime, she'd throw her cups, spit on the floor, throw toys or just start crying/whining over nothing. So this is a sign for us as parents to not get harsh with her, but remain calm and put her to bed. We're still working on a schedule for these two babies and it's starting to come quickly! :D
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/25/2008 5:50:32 PM
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Auben
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I probably would have said softer previous to this year, but I think the longer I live the more I realize the full force of my own behavior and personality.
In general we're both about even but dh has a shorter attention span. This can lead him to tire quickly of shenanigans. I try to soften him a bit and make things fair and realistic. However, me, the focused, long-term partner can get so burned out that she has to absent herself from the vicinity and he steps in quite affectively and softens my blow up.
His happen more often but I think mine are worse, so we're probably even.
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Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/25/2008 6:51:10 PM
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lexie
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Right now I'm the stricter parent in terms of what our daughter can get away with. However, when it comes to punishment, I'm softer in the sense that Dd will get warnings and removal from me before it goes to time out and Dh is more apt to put her to time out right away.
Sitting in church is an example of a struggle for us right now. We're a small group so what she does is noticeable. While I don't believe a 2 year old can sit through 2 hours of church, I do believe we can start teaching her about proper behaviour. When she gets moving and distracting too much, I'll remove her, which is often met with a struggle. Dh thinks I'm too strict and should let her run around, but I'd rather get this over with now, then have to constantly reprimand my old enough to know better child years down the road.
However, Dh comes from a culture where toddlers are given a lot more freedom and then the parents are very strict with them later down the road, so we're trying to meet down the middle.
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I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/26/2008 3:43:19 PM
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nicole6598
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Its hard to describe. I would think that I am not a softy at all, I don't let my kids get away with wrong behaviour, but hubby is EXTRA tough. Like the example that Ryanne said about not punishing for things that could be avoided, hubby disagrees strongly and thinks that kids just need to listen and obey and not get into trouble at all and when they do you come down HARD. No warnings, no talking, no explaining why you said not to touch the glass on the floor, you said it so they have to jump. So I am firm with my kids, but not harsh like hubby is.
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/28/2008 4:37:15 PM
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pattyf
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We are both pretty tough too. Our situation is a little different as our kids are foster kids. I would like to be more "merciful" but have difficulty doing that when dealing with behaviours.
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RE: Softer vs. Harsher Parent? - 11/29/2008 9:12:25 PM
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MamaMilty
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Hhmm...*I* was thinking that DH and I switched off, depending on the situation, then I asked him what he thought and without even looking up from his paper he immediately said, "you're the stricter one." LOL
But this is how it really is: I have higher expectations of the children when it comes to heart issues/attitudes and acceptable behavior. I feel more like Lexie, I would rather deal with it young and move on. So in those areas, I am stricter. OTOH, things like where/when they sleep, how long they can get away with working out their emotions, toddler fits, etc. I am much softer and more patient and more "striving to understand them" than DH.
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