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What to do? - 12/10/2008 10:48:25 PM
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freedom43
Posts: 6
Joined: 12/10/2008
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I was reading brian73 posts for a few weeks now and am going thru the same thing as him.It is my 20th anniversary coming up and my wife told me a few months ago she wants out of our marriage. We have had our issues all thru our marriage but one big hurdle that has damaged us. I held on to unforgiveness towards her stepfather for the horrible childhood he made her go thru (sexual abuse). I never wanted him in our lives but her mother chose to stay with him. I have been a bitter and angry man and I have took it out on my family.I have 3 boys 19,17,15. I started forgiving 20 years ago when I gave my life to Christ but it has been a slow road. I kept taking my life back and the bitterness would come back in. More Pain for my wife. She left me for another man in 2000 and we were seperated for 2 years. She asked if I would take her back for her and the kids and I did.It was ok for about 6 months but her mother kept coming into our lives mostly my wifes. Her mother does not have a good marriage becausse she never does anything with her husband they just live together.Anyways with my wife gone all the time itbrought a lot of unforgiveness back again. So here we are 6 years later and my wife has met someone on the internet and wants to leave the marriage.She loved the Lord so much and she has done a complete 360. I on the other hand have finally reached true forgiveness,I cannot have the bitterness and anger in my heart anymore. It has taken 20 years to be finally free and it feels good but now I have lost my wife.She is so cold and distant with me but God is giving me strength to carry on. I know I havent been very loving with my wife for so long and I know i hurt her with my bitterness. All i wanted was for her to be healed form her past ot at least get him to say he was sorry to her.It never happened. So now I am at the point to just walk away from this marriage or to fight for it. I know that I have no power whatsoever to heal us only God can do that. I have changed but my wife has seen it all before and it only lasts for so long she doesnt trust me anymore. I know it will take more than a few months to rebuild the damage my unforgiveness has done but I am hanging in there. When we got back together in 2002 I was still very hurt from her adultery and never trusted her. I rejected her love she gave me and she has held on to that hurt ever since. I would ask her to pray about it with me but she just went thru the motions. There would be times when there was forgiveness in my heart but the walls she put up would would bring back the ugly stuff. I guess I wasnt very strong in my faith. That is were i am right now .We arent talking about her leaving or our marriage but we are making small talk when I can get her away from the internet. Am I just supposed for her to go thru this emotional affair she is in .This is the second time she has did this to me and I cant see her ever changing until she deals with her past. Any advice?
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RE: What to do? - 12/11/2008 1:11:44 AM
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vicbhe
Posts: 89
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Arkansas
Status: offline
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There comes a time when you use up all your 'chances'. Her wrong doing does not excuse the way you have admitted to treating her. As I read over your words I still see you justifying your motivations and actions based on what others have done. It doesn't work that way. Maybe you really have got this worked out in yourself, but reality is sometimes you just don't get another chance.
I understand she has not been perfect either but overall what I am reading in this is basically you have ripped her heart out over and over and trampled on it for 20 years, and now you want her to 'work on the marriage' because you have changed and everything is ok now. I suspect there is nothing left inside of her to work on the marriage with.
That being said, God can do anything and I would love to see a marriage truly retored and become what it should be. Then again sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to let them go in peace just as God told Abraham to let his wife Hagar go in peace.
I'm not telling you not to fight for you marriage, that may be exactly what you need to do! I encourage you to pray about it with an open heart before God. Giving her her freedom to go in peace may be the one thing that could bring her back to you.
_____________________________
"A believer is capable of committing any sin an unbeliever can commit and can do a better job of it". W.O. Vaught 1Corinthians 10:12 "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall."
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RE: What to do? - 12/11/2008 6:53:42 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 1253
Joined: 3/24/2008
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vichbe makes some good points. But I think the point is that your marriage is like most - two wounded, fragile people trying to live together with no clue how to cope with your own problem much less the other person's. For the last 8 years, I was focused on grief and fear after losing my mom in a car accident; it took over my life and I withdrew and was all around horrible to live with . Dh, like your wife, survived a horrendous childhood and has never really faced it. He's always just been so strong. I understand being bitter about that abuse but, IMO, it would be disingenuous to blame that for problems between you and your wife. But if she's not dealt with this stuff, and you've not dealt with your own, you're two people stuck in your hurt who just can't help each other.
This is probably a topic for another folder but my dh went through some awful things. He's been through some intense "deliverance ministry" the last couple of months and he's done a dramatic turnaround. I'm not truly a big fan of the deliverance movement; it certainly has it's pitfalls and problems, IMO. But some things are so purely demonic and evil and so deeply rooted in our minds and in our spirits that only God can truly reach that place.
I think you've got big, deeply rooted problems on both sides affecting how you've always interacted with each other. Counselling might not hurt but it's not going to get at some of these big spiritual issues. This can't be fixed by rationalization or justifications. You're going to both have to lay this on the line in humility and surrender. Whether or not she's willing and able to do that, it's still going to be vital for you to be able to move forward regardless of what happens next.
quote:
I'm not telling you not to fight for you marriage, that may be exactly what you need to do! I encourage you to pray about it with an open heart before God. Giving her her freedom to go in peace may be the one thing that could bring her back to you.
I think this is good advice too.
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RE: What to do? - 12/11/2008 8:45:02 AM
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freedom43
Posts: 6
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks for your replies,what both of you are saying is what God has already told me. Maybe the last 6 years was my second chance and I have to let her go in peace,I do love her that much to let her go. This valley I am in has been all about me, not about her. I have owned up to my actions thru the years and it is time for me to be free from my own chains. There would be nothing better than to share my life with my wife as the man God always intended me to be. There is nothing I can do anymore,it is in Gods hands. Right now I am praying for the best but preparing for the worst. Keep my marriage in your prayers. Thanks
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RE: What to do? - 12/11/2008 9:27:56 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 502
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
Status: offline
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Don't focus on the past for either of you but learn from it. Continue to pray for restoration for your marriage and family and I will pray also.
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RE: What to do? - 12/11/2008 9:40:55 AM
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brianm73
Posts: 55
Joined: 11/4/2008
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[Thanks for your replies,what both of you are saying is what God has already told me. Maybe the last 6 years was my second chance and I have to let her go in peace,[/quote]
Freedom43, I dont think that is what God is telling you. In scripture Jesus teaches us to forgive 70 times 70, which means you are given more then just two chances! I might not be the one to give you advice, but I can say that I have learned alot about myself and how a husband is suppose to be in the last two month. I can not help but to think how wonderful my marriage would be a year from now, but that is in Gods hands! My advice to you would be to get the book "Love Dare" and "Man of her dreams, women of his" and a BIBLE. Then read them, but you must keep your eyes on Jesus. The most important thing I have learned from this; is what God thinks of me is what matters. By pleasing him and doing his will, you will become a godly man and then hopefully your wife will see it and allow some of the walls to be taken down. It is going to take time, and believe me that is something I struggle with. When something is broke, I want it fix right then and now! Well, this type of damage takes a bit longer to repair and it is something that only time and God can heal.
Your life is not over! As others have told me, use this time to get connected with God and become the man he wanted you to be.
I have a completely new outlook on marriage and my hurt breaks to see other marriages falling apart.
Dear Lord be with Freedom43 and his wife. Fill each of them with your spirit and direct their path. You are a healer Lord, so in Jesus name I ask that you heal their marriage and bring them closer to you! In Christ nam I pray!
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: What to do? - 12/11/2008 10:24:12 PM
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kidV1
Posts: 22
Joined: 11/19/2008
Status: offline
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God has a way of taking what we think is the worst days of our lives and turning them into the most amazing blessings in the world. You had so much happen in those 20 years that you finally found deliverance from those sins and pains. That to me is salvation working. That's god telling you that you are going to be fine at judgement. Your wife is facing things that she may not want to face right now. Being supportive for her and just keep telling her that God can help her will help her maybe tomorrow or maybe another year or so. Everyone has a road that they have to take and suffer or they can take another road of peace and joy. In your case it took you 20 years to find that peaceful and joy filled road. You can be happy in your heart for her and try to show her how God has made you a better person and that you've grown in the eyes of our fater and that just might be what she needs to show her what road she wants to take. I'm not great at this stuff but you seem to be filled with a spirit of kindness now and redemption and I believe to keep sharing it with her so that she can use that for her decisions she's going to be faced with in the rescent future i think. God bless you and god bless your family. You will be in mine and my families prayers
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RE: What to do? - 12/12/2008 12:40:31 PM
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freedom43
Posts: 6
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks everyone for your prayers and uplifting thoughts.Things are still the same but I know my faith and healing is getting stronger by the day.It is too bad that we have to go thru so pain to finally be free and healed but it is always by our choice. Kidv1 your words hit me right where they needed to and I have to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus no matter what the outcome of my marriage may be. I believe God has a plan for my life and will give me the desires of my heart as long as they are in tune with His word. 20 years is a long time to carry unforgivenes and finally accepting His truth has really set me free. unforgiveness is probably one of the worst sins a person can hang on to I realise that now,for we are all sinners. I ask that you will all keep praying for me and my marriage and for God's will to be done in my life. God Bless
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RE: What to do? - 12/12/2008 2:15:59 PM
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Simway
Posts: 173
Joined: 4/12/2005
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This is now easy road to walk. I know from experiece what an unforgiving sprit can do. I lived with it for years. However there came a time just a few years ago that I had to face issues that it cause, bad choices I made, the whole nine yards. I glad to hear you have made the effort to set things right.
Now for the marriage. It is going to take work on both of your parts. One cannot do this alone. Your wife needs to deal with her issues, and do some forgiving as well. Not easy when she is the victim. Change can be made, but she has to really want to do so. No one can force her it has to be a act of her will. Until she does so, I can't see anything really changing. I wish I could be more postive here, but that the way it is.
Do all you can to encourge her, and let people encourage you as well. Don't walk the road alone, there are two many land mines along the way. Emotions are not to be depended upon. They change quickly, and oftan.
Keep your eyes on God, and not on your situation, let him lead you, and trust him even when it is the hardest thing to do. We learn more in the valley than we do on the mountain top. Let God teach you what he wants you to learn, then use it for whatever he wants you to use it for....Simway
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RE: What to do? - 12/14/2008 11:10:24 AM
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freedom43
Posts: 6
Joined: 12/10/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks for the advice Simway,I am taking it to heart. As you have walked the road with unforgiveness you understand what my heart was like for so many years. All the anger and bitterness has really hurt the woman I love. I can only pray that God would work a miracle in my marriage and family. I have finally realised what it feels to have peace in my heart and to have love. It is gonna be a long road,if it happens at all for my marriage,20 years of hurt just doesnt go away overnight. I have owned up to my faults and really looked in the mirror. I thank God everyday for His mercy and forgiveness and am on my own road with Him. Even thru this storm He carries me everyday. may his will be done in my life. I just ask that you keep me and my marriage in your prayers and I pray that God will hear all our prayers . God Bless
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RE: What to do? - 12/15/2008 11:32:51 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 538
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Am I just supposed for her to go thru this emotional affair she is in .This is the second time she has did this to me and I cant see her ever changing until she deals with her past. Any advice?
*As her spouse you are going through the emotional affair - being under
the same roof is circumstantial... you have knowledge of the affair... you will go through your own emotional roller coaster ride.
Encourage your wife to repent of her adultery, to practice forgiveness and faithfully follow the Lord and uphold his standards in her own life(you do the same things)... just as we all need to do that faithfully each day. Continue praying for her to repent and walk humbly with God... that brings true deliverance and restoration!
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