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My Teenager Hates Me - 12/14/2008 11:04:55 AM
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wfkling
Posts: 1
Joined: 12/14/2008
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Hi Everyone,
I don't even no where to begin. My teenage daughter is having a lot of issues. She has become reclusive, somewhat defiant, and is becoming someone that I don't like a lot of times. She claims that she does not have a belief in God, and she "hates" me. Now, I don't know how much of this is normal teenage angst, but I do have her in counciling and I try to stay as active and involved in her life as she will let me. Sometimes I feel my heart hardening towards her. I love her dearly and pray for her continously...it just tiring to be constantly rejected (unless she wants something than all is good).
A little background: Her mother and I have been divorced since 2001 and I have custody of her and her little sister. My teenager is telling me that she wants to live with her mother, that she doesn't like it here, and that she could care less about any of us here in the house. Suffice it to say - there is a reason that I was awarded custody of my kids. I am not going to let her go...at least not now. I remarried in 2004 (my teenager - who was 9 at the time - actually wrote Santa Claus a letter asking that I would marry my current wife. My wife and I had a baby girl in March of this year who my middle daughter adores and my teenager wants nothing to do with.
So, I am at a loss. I pray continously for God's wisdom in this matter, but I could use some advice from those out there who have been through this or are currently going through it. Anything that you can offer would be great.
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/14/2008 2:14:35 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1168
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Ahhh, Dad!! I'm so sorry. It sounds like she's really mad at you and it might be b/c of the new baby. She might see herself as no longer Daddy's little girl. The new girl is in town and daddy doesn't love me anymore. It was different with the baby sister, but now things have changed. yes, she's the oldest, but still, she may feel she's losing you. It's hard on young girls when a new girl is in town. And there's a new girl in town. My best advice is let her know she's still your girl and the new girl in town won't replace her. Listen to her, even if she's saying I HATE YOU!! you understand us women, we're a bunch of emotional nerves. Try sitting down with her and watch a movie, or go out to eat, something to let her know you still love her. And she might be doing this just to get negative attention, b/c she might feel left out. She's growing into a woman and that's scary especially with guys, sex, drugs, college, jobs . . . it can be overwhelming. start small, ask her how her day was and if she pushes you want, then don't budge. Don't pester, but don't walk away. Let her know you'll be there, THEN prove it, by listening, asking loving questions, How was your day? Don't get nosy, don't get pushey, just be there for her and let her know she's still daddy's girl.
My dad basically closed himself off and only yelled at me. I hated him also when I was teen and he didn't do any of the above things. Our relationship is still very stiff, which is sad. Don't let her go, no matter what. The most important thing you can do is just LISTEN to her. capise? God's blessings, dad!!!
kim
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/14/2008 8:59:32 PM
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sen10tious
Posts: 235
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern US
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quote:
ORIGINAL: wfkling
Sometimes I feel my heart hardening towards her.
Yeah. She probably does too.
How can you show her that she is important to the family? Does she have a talent that you can honestly compliment her on? To the extent that she feels like winner? What does she add to the family that would be irreplaceable –and no, babysitting will not count. If you want to be king of your home, you will have to find a way to let her know that you see the princess that is hiding in her.
You are going to have to pull off a balancing act, you know. You have even more to consider than the changes of a new baby; she will also be aware of your treatment of your middle daughter and whether you are playing favorites because she is "easier." Grow up. Be a man and don't get sucked into the rejection you feel.
_____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/15/2008 2:31:10 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10816
Status: offline
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None of my kids have ever told me they hate me. They have told me that they hate certain things that I may or may not have had anything to do with.
Look for the little areas where she will let you in and make the most of them. i.e., my 15 yo dd never has too much to say to me. She likes to have me brush her hair and she likes to be tucked in at night (even though she'd rather die than to admit to that) We have a lot of great conversations about boys, God, boys, life, boys, school, boys, family and umm.... oh yeah, boys. 
Sometimes those conversations go on for hours.
My dd has had her faith shaken too. She was once strong in her beliefs. She now questions if there is a God and is not sure how she feels about Christianity. She really felt that I was going to "disown" her if I found out that she was not so sure of her beliefs anymore. I already knew it and talked to her about it. Once she found out that I would still love her, she felt a little freer to discuss her doubts about Christianity. For her, she felt it was important to make sure that her questions and observations wouldn't cause me to stumble. That told me that 1 - she was opposed to Christianity and 2 - she loves me even though that's another thing that she won't admit.
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/15/2008 3:43:21 PM
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his_chosen
Posts: 1302
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Don't give up. She's been through alot. Your divorce. Whatever reason it is that you have custody. You getting married again--which gives up all hope of you and your ex ever getting back together again. You having a child with her step-mom--basically dethroning her. Oh, and then throw in the basic hormone thing...
Keep giving to her. It's those little things--"you look nice today", "nice job on your history assignment", "thanks for helping out with (whatever)". DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. Well, except maybe rolling eyes. Maybe tuck a card under her pillow, just a silly "thanks for being my daughter" kind of thing. Again, don't expect anything. She needs to know that you love her regardless.
I'm certainly not saying let her get away with murder. Just look past some of the negative stuff.
Hang in there. I have four boys. There are days that I count down until the day that I can kick them out of the house! In the end, though, I think the world of them!
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/15/2008 5:58:55 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 217
Joined: 6/10/2008
Status: offline
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I had a similar experience with my first born. I made the mistake of letting her go to make things easier on myself and the rest of the family. I regret that very much now because she went through a great deal of abandonment issues and our relationship was bad for many years. I have to agree with what Kim said, "Don't let her go, no matter what."
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/15/2008 8:42:59 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1744
Joined: 5/23/2006
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How old is she wfk? Is there any possibility she is pregnant which would explain the moodiness? Does she have a current bf?
There are lots of reasons she could be moody..maybe it isn't even about you?
Hating us parent's is usually a good sign when it comes to teenagers..lol I've been there and SURVIVED.
If you let us know more on what is going on with your daughter personally, maybe we could be of better help.
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/16/2008 9:42:23 AM
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emjayzee
Posts: 241
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Just a thought...it might also help to have your wife spend some special time with her. How is their relationship? You mentioned that when your oldest was 9, she wanted you to marry this woman. She obviously felt some love/affection for her. Maybe she feels that the baby has taken away some of the attention and now she just wants her "own mom" who isn't preoccuppied with being mom to a baby as well. Teenage girls have lots of thoughts and feelings and can't always express them to their dads. She might need some motherly support as well.
_____________________________
unicorns borrowed from Matthew Webber, copyright 2002
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RE: My Teenager Hates Me - 12/16/2008 2:57:02 PM
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mrf084
Posts: 245
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: online
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Being the father of three girls and one boy I can tell you that the girls need a different expression of your love. While the advice about treating her as a princess and complementing her for things she does are very affirming and part of what she needs don't forget that even though she pushes you away require that she allow you too hug her for certain things. Girls need the physical connection to their fathers that we are sometimes afraid to provide once they become young women. It is possible she is pushing because she needs that connection. Give her an excuse. You are the man in her life until she finds one to marry. You need to model your relationship with her after the one you want her to find with God and her husband. By the way, don't become overly concerned about the confusion she has in her right now just be the stability and love that she needs. God Bless
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