RE: A life to cherish (Full Version)

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cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/14/2005 6:29:06 AM)

Well, the last couple of weeks, I've had a real wake up call. I know that I have depression and for some time now, I haven't felt that I'd be able to hold down a job as a result. My concentration span etc just isn't what it needs to be to be an efficient worker.

I've been doing some voluntary work down at the church office in recent weeks, and if you give me something that has only one thing to do over and over again, I seem to be able to cope with that. Last week, I was asked to burn and label some conference CD's and DVD's. Not difficult for most, but with the effect of depression, meds, overtiredness and stress, I just couldn't put it together to even think of what the sequence should be to keep things going. If ever I doubted my ability to work at the moment, I don't doubt it any more. John was there, and when I have to go for my next review for the disability pension, he can be there to testify what I'm really like under those circumstances. I need to talk to the woman I'm helping out down at the church to see if I can get some jobs that are things that I can better handle.

I still haven't managed to get any offline resources. I've been directed to a couple of good sites online. I should spend some more time there to get to meet others who know what it's like to live with an eating disorder.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/17/2005 12:43:08 PM)

Yesterday I got a call about doing the support group. It starts on the 3rd of October and finishes on the 19th of December. It's on Monday nights only and it sounds as though there's going to be plenty of homework involved. She's sending me out some questionnaires that I need to fill in before I go and see her on Wednesday. Apparently you have to go for an interview before the course starts. The interview will be about 2 hours long, and the questionnaires that I need to fill in before I see her are about an hour long. Hopefully it should arrive on Monday. With my concentration span the way it is, it will probably take me that much longer.

Part of me is looking forward to being able to get ways to continue in my weight loss in a healthier way and get to figure out how to deal with an eating disorder.

For those of you who don't know, I don't drive or have my licence. I just could never afford it. It means either using public transport or relying on others to have to take me. Seeing as it's going to be at night, in an area where there have been sexual assaults, I'm not really keen on the public transport option. John has a bible study group that he goes to on Monday nights a little way away from where I'll be. Getting to the place wouldn't be a problem. As his bible study doesn't finish for another 45 minutes after my group finishes, (and then he'd have to allow travel time to get back to pick me up), I'd be hanging around in a dark carpark for quite a while.

I kind of spat the dummy a little bit yesterday. It just felt as though I was going to be mucking up John and Joan's plans. There are some nights when John can't go to his bible study as he has telecare down at the church one Monday night a month. It would mean major disruption to their plans to get me down to the support group and back. I know. It would have been much easier if I had my licence and a car of my own. I wouldn't have to rely on others to have to take me places. I just don't have the means to do that. It wouldn't be able to be done before the course starts in any case. John and Joan are great. They said that this has to be a priority. They don't like seeing the way that I've been struggling so much. I know for my own piece of mind, I need to do this. As John was saying the other night, they need me to do this too. I think the strain is really starting to get to them. They've said that they'll do whatever it takes to get me help. I don't know what I did to deserve them. I really dislike it, but it sounds as though John is going to give up the bible study, as he's already involved in another bible study he prefers. I feel like they are just dropping everything for me. I'm honoured by it and thankful in one way, but feel like a real bother in other ways. Hard to know how to feel.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/21/2005 12:26:24 PM)

Well, my 'homework' finally arrived yesterday to get done for today. What was supposed to take an hour took more like about four! [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif]

I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon, and then went over to the interview/appointment for the bulimia support group. After 2 hours of full on questions, I left feeling the room feeling really hazy. I also felt like the more I talked, the more nuts I am. I can see some things rationally, but what I know I should be doing and what is actually happening are two different things. It's like I've got no impulse control, no matter how much I try to have it where food and some other things are concerned. There are times when I don't want to eat, and then I end up binging BIG time. Other times, I will think that I will allow myself a certain amount of food, and invariably, I end up going over that amount somehow. I get really frustrated with myself and the guilt is excruciating. I can't wait for this to one day be over. I hope that there will be a time when it WILL be over. No more eating disorders. No more compulsive behaviours. What would make it even better still is if I had no more weight problems. That seems like such a far off dream that could never be reached, but I hope for it anyway.

Not long until Rita hits Houston. Joan's nephew, niece-in-law and grand nephew live there. Joan's brother and sister-in-law are over there visiting them at the moment. We hope that they, along with everybody else are safe. Joan and John have already lost a close family member who took his life this past weekend. I think it would really destroy them if anything happened to their family members over in TX.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/26/2005 1:00:25 PM)

Wednesday's coming and I'm not looking forward to it.

I asked my surgeon to get back to me about what he wants me to do in light of the eating disorder thing I'm facing. He never got back to me. I have an appointment to see him on Wednesday afternoon, unless he's cancelled it and not told us. I haven't been able to call the hospital today as it's been a long weekend here. I'm really not looking forward to going back and seeing him. All the weight that I've lost since I had surgery has come back on, along with some more. I doubt he's going to be happy.

I got asked to be in the Christmas musical this year at church. I would have loved to, but the rehearsals are on Monday nights. The rehearsals are on at the same time that my group therapy sessions are on. It looks as though I can't be in the choir this year. It's a shame, but I guess this is more important at this time. Hopefully I'll be able to lose weight again and be able to help me. Sometimes I really have to wonder if any of this will be helpful to me. I guess it's just frustration. Another medical problem added to the already huge list. I'm looking forward to a new body in heaven.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (9/29/2005 11:48:50 AM)

I was planning on coming in here yesterday to let you know how things went about the surgeon's appointment, and didn't end up getting to it. I sent a letter to the surgeon several weeks ago telling him about the diagnosis of an eating disorder and asking him what he wanted me to do about going to see him. As my weight is going up, I really didn't think there was any point in seeing him. About 45 minutes before I was due to go and see him, a letter arrived in the mail, that had been written a couple of weeks ago. He highly esteems the psych that I will be working with and told me to just come back when I'm ready. I called and talked to the receptionist and decided to cancel yesterday's appointment. I felt that it would have been too stressful to go and see him. My perception? Maybe.

So much is going on with me emotionally. I'm finding everything so overwhelming lately. The other day, I found myself feeling so angry. Not a little bit miffed, but angry. Bailey had been barking, and normally I'm fine with it, but I found myself getting really snippy with him and I yelled at him a couple of times. At one point, I wanted to throw something. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but I was raised that if I showed negative emotions, that was completely unacceptable. I would get physically and emotionally abused if I ever showed those emotions. To be honest, feeling angry the way that I have, scares me. I don't know whether it's presenting because it's a build up of all the stress that's been going around lately or something else.

I know I got really churned up over Rita, knowing that there were people around those areas involved, both on and off CW. There have been some stressful situations around the place here too with John and Joan's family members interstate. If there's stress around, it's like I'm just sucking it up like a sponge.

I've got my own issues too that I'm trying to deal with, and I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of coping with things. I'm working on debt reduction, and that's a good thing. That's becoming more manageable.

As Monday evening comes closer, I can feel myself becoming more and more overwhelmed by the situation and so emotional. I can't even begin to put names on how I'm feeling right now. I notice that I've been sleeping more lately, and I know that's a defence mechanism. I'm not proud of it, but it's something that I'm doing. I shocked myself when I slept the morning away this morning. I am feeling so incredibly depressed right now. I told a friend yesterday about the eating disorder and he was trying to encourage me by telling me that it's all up to me now. I'm flighty and took it the wrong way. You have to prove yourself, Trish. He'll be keeping an eye on me to make sure how I'm doing. Prove yourself to be worthy, Trish. Prove you can do it. I just want to scream.

I've been worried about myself lately. Emotionally, I don't feel as though I've been coping particularly well. Sleeping lots. Sinking into deeper depths of depression. I'm less and less wanting to be around people, wanting to go out less. I feel like I've got nothing to give. I want to be able to, but right now, I'm not even thinking straight. I tried to do a simple task like read a magazine this afternoon, and it was like I was trying to read a foreign language. I couldn't do it. I couldn't concentrate on something that would normally be so simple. Even on CW, I've been wandering around not knowing what to say to people. I feel like I can't communicate, like I've got nothing to say. In the odd time I could say something, it's only something negative about myself and my situation. It's not good. I'm looking forward to getting beyond that stage, but it feels like right now that will never happen.

People reading this are probably thinking the obvious. I should be casting all my cares on the Lord. There's been people in far worse situations than myself. Raging hurricanes, loss of loved ones, loss of everything they've owned. They can do it. Why can't I TRULY do that and leave it with Him? I feel like I'm being ripped apart and I don't know how to stop it.

God, please give me hope and faith. Give me strength and courage. Everything I need to face all of this. Right now, I'm on empty and I don't feel like I've got what it takes to fight. I'm tired. Confused. I feel like if I could go home right now to heaven, that would be so wonderful, but I know I haven't been called to do that yet. Lord, please calm the storm that is my life. I can't do it without you. I need rest and peace. I need to feel your arms around me, comforting me and telling me that it's going to be ok. God, I just need more of You.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/2/2005 1:31:54 PM)

Well, tomorrow (or this evening, my time), I have my first group therapy session. I really don't know what to expect and I'm finding it all daunting. I imagine that we'll have to do a food diary. That is going to be so embarrassing, admitting how much I've been stuffing into my body at any given binge. [sm=icon_smile_blush.gif] I can accept that I have an eating disorder. I don't like it, but I can consider it a possibility. There's still a part of me that says that it's just the fact that I lack self control and should be able to control this on my own. Of course, people who know me, would say the complete opposite. I still feel like a fraud, like I don't have an eating disorder.

Ever since I found out about having an eating disorder, something weird has clicked in my brain. It's like my mind and body are saying to see how fat I can get before any good starts coming out of all this. I know it's weird. I don't understand it either. It's completely illogical, but nevertheless, it's happening. Not the most healthy thing to do.

Tonight, I've lost the plot. I've needed extra calmatives/sedatives to calm me down. I keep thinking about what a bad person I am. How I'm making such a mess of my body and the people around me. I've been struggling like you wouldn't believe, but it's just worsening. Don't worry. I'm not about to do anything stupid. Just need to try and rest, and somehow hand all of this over to God. I don't find that very easy, but I know I can't go on with all the stress that I'm under. Panic attacks have started again and that's not good. Hopefully this will help (therapy) and things will start acting a little bit normal from now on.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/3/2005 11:14:13 AM)

Well tonight was my first night at group sessions. We talked about counting calories. I freaked, as all I kept thinking is that I'm going to be embarrassed to look at the number of calories I'm taking in, especially when I binge. From tomorrow, we have to write down everything we consume and the number of calories that it contains.

I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed about the group. Not that there's anything wrong with the group. They mostly seem like really nice people. It just isn't what I was expecting. When I went along, I was thinking that it was going to only be for people who have an eating disorder. It's not. Yes, the people who are there are wanting to lose weight, but other than one other person who admitted to having an eating disorder, I don't know that the others will know what it's like to mega-binge on a regular basis. The other person who admitted to having an eating disorder was really negative, and I don't know if she'll come back next week. I was a little thrown when a guy was part of the group. I know men have eating disorders too, but I guess I was just a little surprised. Seems like a really nice guy though. I don't know whether I'd feel completely comfortable talking about some of the girly things with guys around. Partly because I might feel a little uncomfortable, and also because I feel it might make him feel a little uncomfortable. Not that all I ever talk about is that.

We've been given homework to do before next week. Calorie counting/recording is going to be the worst of it at this point. This week we continue to eat as we normally do before they cut down the number of our calories next week. I'm not looking forward to that.

Part of me wonders how this group is going to be beneficial to me. Yes, I can see that calorie counting may be useful. Right now, I just don't know how to control the impulses which lead me to binge. That stresses me out more, and of course, then I eat more. It's a vicious cycle. It may change in time, but right now, it all seems so hard, and the goal unobtainable.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/8/2005 11:26:31 AM)

To feel, or not to feel? That is the question.

For as long as I can remember, feeling was something that was not beneficial for me. If I showed any kind of negative emotion around my parents, I was beaten. Not just a slap here and there, but by alcoholic parents who didn't know how much force they were using, then (supposedly) didn't remember the episode afterwards, no matter how much you told them. Oh yes, as a teen, I had a temper and I let it show whilst I lived at home with my parents. I was rebellious, but never around my parents, as I didn't want to be punished any more than I already was.

When I moved out of home and went to live with others, I was not the person that I would have been. I'd still use several expletives and some other things that I'm not proud of, but I became even more of a people pleaser. I was polite, sometimes overly so. I became an extrovert. I NEVER showed anger. It had been drummed into me at an earlier age that that was a punishable offense. I bottled my emotions. People so often saw me as more confident than I am. I went along with the group concensus when things were going on. I still do.

Things have changed a little since my younger days, but I'm still very much a people pleaser. I'm still polite. I don't use the colourful expletives anywhere near as much as I used to. I do use sarcasm in my humour. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not, as it's supposed to be the lowest form of wit. I'm somebody who doesn't feel comfortable in saying no. It feels as though I'm letting people down. That doesn't sit well with me at all. Once upon a time, I absolutely refused to let myself cry. The only time it ever happened was if God took over and I just couldn't stop the emotions from coming. I don't feel comfortable with it, but at least now, I will sometimes allow the emotions to escape. It used to be something I'd hide in the bedroom, but now there are some that I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of.

I've found lately though that where there had been so much emotional numbness, it's rubbing off a little. I know that it's probably something that I need to have happen, but it is so foreign, and so distasteful. I'm not having screaming matches with anybody, but I'm finding that anger is starting to rise. Things that I'd normally take no notice of are starting to bug me. There's even been a couple of times that Bailey has done something that normally wouldn't start me off, and I've caught myself getting verbally snappy at him. I've wanted to pick something up and throw it! [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif][sm=eek.gif][sm=crystreams.gif] This coming from somebody who gets upset if the tennis ball I'm throwing for him accidentally hits him. [sm=rolleyes.gif][sm=shakinghead.gif] By no means, am I feeling the full intensity of the emotions running around inside me, but already it feels so intense.

Along with the anger, comes great shame and guilt. Take for example what I was saying about Bailey. When I've come to my senses, I feel so guilty for the way I've felt. There are times when I don't want to spend time with him. It all seems too hard. I can't be bothered. I hate what I'm about to admit, but there are times when I wish we didn't have him. [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif][sm=crystreams.gif] Talk about feeling guilty about some of the things I say. Don't get me wrong. I love Bailey like you wouldn't believe, and I'd be so lost without him. As soon as we arrive home, the first place I look is the side gate to see if he's there waiting. He's an absolute delight, and 99.9% of the time I'm with him, I absolutely love it. I'm not getting rid of him. That would destroy me. Still, I need to deal with the emotions that are coming up. The question is how? Do I really want to feel all of this stuff that I find so unpleasant? So painful? I find myself in a dilemma. I feel like if I allow myself to start to feel again, it will be something that I can't stop. What I mean is that the floodgates would open and I wouldn't be able to control it. I'm so scared that the old person who had such a foul temper will come out and lash out in all the wrong ways.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/8/2005 12:11:31 PM)

I've found this week really hard. I've struggled for a long time now with binging etc, which is all part of the eating disorder. Writing things down, I have been trying to restrict what I eat to lessen the amount of embarrassment I'll feel when they check my records on Monday at the course. This hasn't been a usual eating week for me. Yes, there are times when I'm eating more than I should be, but it's not the full on binging that I normally do. I still feel guilty for the things that I AM eating during my binges. In comparison to my usual binges, they are just snacks. They may think, based on what I've written down that I'm not really binging. Will they still see me as somebody who has an eating disorder? Will they really think that I'm actually more of a fraud. I haven't exercised in quite a while, which is completely strange for me. My habits have completely changed. Where I used to spend so much time on my exercise bike, I've hardly spent any time on it in recent months. I have been binging big time, but the amount I'm eating since going to the course, I've lessened the amount. I can have a normal dinner. I binge in the early hours of the morning and then don't have breakfast to make up for it. Sometimes I don't have lunch either. Most days I do, but like today, the last thing I ate was at 2am, then the next thing I ate was at 6.30pm. I still managed to have my blood sugars twice what they should have been a couple of hours after dinner. I was not impressed. I normally have more normal meals during the day, but it's like I've changed routines altogether since starting the course. I just feel like they're going to take a look at what I've been eating etc and think I'm just a big fraud. Not losing weight because of all the junk I'm eating, not exercising and missing meals. I know those things don't help.

I know that this is going to be a hard 5 days. If you know anything about bulimia/binge eating disorders, you know that people are so focussed on food. Where they can get it. Where they can hide it. Where/when they can consume it. Financially, I would have been ok. I found out that John and Joan didn't have any money and we needed to get some groceries. I had some things that we could get refunds on, so we did that. I added my money, what little I had of it, to that money and bought the groceries we needed. That was good, except that it meant that I didn't have enough money for things for me to binge on. There are certain foods that my stomach can handle better than others. Strangely, I can't eat bread, but I can eat most cakes and cookies. Weird situation. Anyway, after we bought the groceries, there was no spare money to buy things for me to binge on. No cookies, no chips. No anything. This is going to be a trial to see how I get through this time of not having anything to binge on. In the past, I've removed food that I could find easy to binge on, in an attempt to lose weight. It's not a pretty site. I will pace the house, stalking out what's around, searching high and low for food. It sounds kind of primal and cavemannish. I must look like a sight.

I get paid on Wednesday, so it's going to be interesting to see how I manage with no normal binge foods. As much as I like carrots etc, they just don't fill the need during binge times. Healthy food just doesn't cut it for me at those times.

Monday, they are going to be restricting our calorie intake for the day. The last time that I tried to do that with the surgeon, I lost the plot. I didn't take it at all well. I forced myself to get close to where he wanted me to get to, but after a few days, I just cracked. I'm apprehensive about the restricted calories time coming up. I don't know whether they will further reduce the calories later on in the course. I hope not. If I can do that later, at my own pace, then maybe. I'm already feeling deprived, and at this stage, we're still allowed to eat our normal diets. It's completely freaking me out that somebody is going to see where our calories are going and how many of them I've used.

I appologise for whinging at you the way I have. I just hope that you don't see me as a fake and a fraud. Somebody feining having an eating disorder to get attention or sympathy. That's the way that I feel right now. I'm just waiting for somebody to say.

Well, I guess I'd better stop this whinge for now. Thanks for listening everybody.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/11/2005 11:28:40 AM)

First of all, I just want to say thankyou to all of you for your love, support, encouragement, prayers and willingness to be there for me. It means more than you'll ever know. Some of you have posted messages in my thread, and I have printed those out so that I can look them over again when things get really tough. I read those messages out to John and Joan and they are so thankful for you all, as I am. Like me, they are so impressed by all of you and the lengths that you are going to to help me.

I had group therapy last night. It was hard. We had one lady in tears. We are down to 1500 calories now. I've probably said that for most people that wouldn't be a problem. I've also told you that I've been worried, as my binges tend to tie up most of my calories. When it was confirmed at group last night that the calorie level was changing, I just felt sick. I just thought that I couldn't do it. Afterwards, the woman running the group, and one of the other leaders told me that I looked really shell shocked when it was announced. I knew it was coming, but I was just hoping that it wouldn't. Wishful thinking, I guess. I had too many calories yesterday, as usual. [8|] We were told to have three meals a day, which I normally do. Last week, my eating habits got thrown right out the window, and I was eating completely differently than normal, due to the stress of having to write everything down. We've also been told that we must have a morning and afternoon snack, and if we have enough calories left over, we are to have a night snack before bed. I had too many calories yesterday, but decided to have a little something to eat before I went to bed last night. I was feeling hungry and I was worried that I would binge big time if I didn't. Last night was the first time that I went to bed and fell asleep without needing to binge. I was quite surprised.

The past day or so has been surprising for a few reasons. One, I didn't binge last night, which is not very common. Two, I found out last night, that despite my shocking eating habits, I've managed to lose just over 1.5 pounds. I was totally expecting to put the weight on, not take it off. Thankyou Jesus. Three. So far today, I've stayed within the calorie range. Hopefully I can keep it up. As I said, when I go to bed is my worst time. I've gotten a suggestion of how to delay binging, so I'm going to try that if I can. Hopefully I won't need to, but it's there, just in case.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/16/2005 12:13:53 PM)

This week has been another one that I haven't found easy. I was surprised at how well I did with calories in the beginning of the week. I even managed to keep away from the binging. The past few days, I haven't been so good. I've been trying to use the delay technique that I was given at my group, and the past few days, it hasn't worked. I don't know why the difference. I haven't done anything any differently than earlier in the week. I'm having my meals, my snacks. I don't understand. Obviously, I'm going over the calorie limit that we were set, and being the perfectionist that I am, that doesn't sit well with me at all. To me, it's just another area where I've failed. I don't know what's gone wrong. It started so well, but hasn't ended up that way. There a few days where I've well and truly gone over the calorie limit. I'm really disappointed in myself. It wouldn't surprise me if I don't lose weight this week. I get weighed again tomorrow night, and I'm really not looking forward to it.

There were some other things that I wanted to talk about, but I can't remember what it is. Oh well. I daresay I'll be back in the next few days to update my blog.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/17/2005 12:09:44 PM)

Hi everybody. Had group therapy tonight, and for once, I wished that it had been for longer. There was a smaller group there tonight as we had many away sick. Even so, it took quite a while to get around the group to talk about how we'd gone this week. A common theme amongst a lot of us was binge eating. Some realised for the first time that they were actually bingeing and not just overeating. They were talking about how to overcome bingeing. Making sure that we had 3 meals and snacks so that we weren't hungry. I've been doing that. Some where saying about looking at ourselves in some sort of detached way and analysing our thoughts/behaviours etc. Sometimes when you are under so much stress though, you're not in a position to be able to do that. I know that there are several in the group who are in that position, including myself. I don't see things about myself. I can see them about others, but I'm too close to my own situation to see what's going on. I don't detach, I dissociate, which are two completely different things.

The facilitator wanted to address something that I had raised, but we well and truly ran out of time. I really would have loved to see what she had to say about my comment. It sounded like it would have benefitted the whole group.

Several people lost quite a bit of weight. Some, 3kgs or about 6.6lbs. I don't know how I managed to do it, but I lost 0.9kgs this week, or nearly 2lbs. That makes a total of just over 3.5lbs in the last 2 weeks. I was really hoping for a lot more, but I guess I have to be patient.

She mentioned journalling how we are feeling etc as a distraction from bingeing. I'll have to try that. I used to do it a lot a while back, but haven't for quite a while.

Next week, the discussion is on exercise. [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif][sm=eek.gif][sm=crystreams.gif][sm=icon_smile_boggled.gif][sm=icon_smile_faint.gif]



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/19/2005 11:12:07 AM)

I didn't realise until this afternoon what today was/is. Yes, it's Wednesday. Yes, it's the 19th of October. This time last year, I was in hospital recovering from having gastric banding surgery. Lap banding some call it. I'd lost almost 60lbs and was looking forward to losing more. I was so excited about the prospect of getting slimmer still. I wondered what I would look like as a much thinner person. I was looking forward to feeling like something other than a blob. I saw surgery as a launching pad to further help in my weight loss. Yes, I'd put in some of the hard yards and lost some of the weight on my own, with the help of an antidepressant that my body was finding helpful at that time. I know before the surgery, I wasn't sure about the whole thing, but as it got closer, I had more peace about it.

A year on, I would never have guessed that things would have turned out the way they have. Yes, I took off a little more weight after the surgery. Things were going well for a while, other than the pain. Some of which I still have today. I still have internal adhesions which cause pain. I knew that there would have to be diet changes. I didn't know that my stomach would be as fickle as it is. I can eat one thing one meal and not the next. I never know what my body will allow me to eat. Sometimes smells set me off where they never used to.

If you'd told me this time last year that I would have put over half of my weight back on, that I would be diagnosed with an eating disorder and have the health problems I have now, I would have thought you were nuts. I think I was looking at life through rosy coloured glasses, or at least a lot rosier than they are now.

Part of me wonders now whether I did the right thing in having the surgery. Of course, I can't take the time back. It would be extremely costly to have it reversed, and I don't think at the moment that would be a good option. I still have 1.5mls that can go into the band, and maybe that will help once I've got this eating disorder sorted out. John says that it's probably stopping me from eating even more than I am. I'm disgusted with the amount I eat now, let alone what it would be if I were eating more. I'm eating less than I used to, but having had the surgery, I feel as though I really shouldn't be able to eat as much as I can.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/19/2005 1:20:55 PM)

Something that I'm struggling with at the moment is perfectionistic tendencies. It's something that I've grown up with ever since I can remember. It was a way to try and get some praise and positive attention from my parents. Of course, it never worked. I still never tried hard enough in their estimations.

I know that those tendencies have carried over to the eating disorder. Give me a calorie limit to stick to, and I find it extremely hard. Earlier in the year, the surgeon told me to go down to 800 calories. I tried my hardest to get there, and failed miserably. I just couldn't get there, and totally beat myself up over it. I really did try. Now, the calorie level is 1500. A much more manageable number. However, it's like I view things in black and white. I'm happy if I keep under the calories, but if I go even slightly over, I beat myself up. It's the same now. Even one calorie over and it's as though I've had 10 million over. I've tried to tell myself that it's ok to be a little over, but the perfectionist in me comes out . It's like emotional punishment when I don't lose weight.

I asked John and Joan how to conquer these perfectionist tendencies. Not much was said, but it did end up with Joan in tears. Then of course, I wished that I'd never asked.

There was more that I wanted to post, but I'm really tired and have been falling asleep during posting, so I'd better call it quits here for now.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/24/2005 11:42:29 AM)

It's the end of Monday night here, and I've been to group session again tonight. I don't know how I managed it, but I managed to lose another 1.3kgs or just over 2.8lbs this week. That makes a total of 2.9kgs or nearly 6.4lbs since I started the group.

Tonight we talked briefly about exercise, and how we need to raise our activity/exercise levels. We've been given pedometers to wear for the rest of the course to see how we're going in that department. Yet another thing that we have to record for the day.

I have to admit, I'm a little worried about the whole exercise thing. That's for a couple of reasons. If you've been reading along with my blog, you would know that in the past, I've had a problem with exercise. There have been many times when I've been really obsessive over it. I must get my hour in for the day, and if I miss it for a day, I have to make that time up. It wasn't all that long ago, after being on the exercise bike for hours and still planning on being on it for several more that John told me that if I got back on the bike, he'd take the seat off of it so I couldn't ride it anymore.[sm=icon_smile_blush.gif][sm=icon_smile_roll.gif][sm=rolleyes.gif] I seem to have a very black and white view of things. Exercise, food, all sorts of things. There are certain foods that I won't eat, despite being told on this course that we can have anything in small quantities. I love chocolate and biscuits (cookies). I'm too scared to eat them, particularly chocolate, as I feel as though if I ever let it pass my lips again, I'll never be able to stop eating it. I used to eat a small amount of it, and once I got the taste for it, I couldn't stop. I just kept eating more and more of it, and that's part of the reason I put so much weight back on after surgery. They said we can have it so that we don't binge on it when we finally do eat it, but I feel as though, with me, chocolate is like alcohol to an alcoholic. I know that may sound strange, but I can't help it. I want to eat chocolate so bad, but I really do fear that I won't be able to stop once I start.

Anyway, there's another reason I'm not too happy about the whole exercise thing. I know that I need it to get me healthy and keep me that way. I'm just struggling big time with being motivated to do it. Ever since that time when I was told the bike seat would be taken off, I've been feeling guilty about not exercising. Despite the guilt, I still can't get myself motivated to do it. Right now, I don't feel as though I have the energy, but there's a part of me that wonders if I'll become the exercise junkie that I was before. I couldn't see it at the time, but that wasn't healthy. Again, I'm somebody of extremes. Either don't do something, or take it to excess. I wish I knew how to get a healthy balance.

The conference at church is coming up. I'm going to be helping out some more down at the church office with preparations. I don't think I'll be going this time. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't think that my finances are going to allow it. It's a bit disappointing, but when you're on a pension and have over $200 in medications to pay for in one pay, that's the way things work out. Oh well. I have other bills to pay for too, and I guess I could try and get the CDs or DVDs to see what happened. In any case, John and Joan are going, so I could ask them what happened.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/28/2005 12:18:46 PM)

I have an admission to make. I'm really struggling with all the things that are going on with the course. In particular, the exercise component of things. I haven't always found it easy to do the calorie counting, but on the whole I do ok. My problem is that I can't seem to keep in the limits of where I should be.

Wednesday, just after I got down to the church, I heard yelling. When I went to go and investigate, one of the ladies was having a heart attack. The paramedics needed to be called and she was taken off to hospital. That was just the start of the day. So many more things went wrong after that point. It really plagued me, and the early hours of Thursday morning, I had a massive binge. I used up more than 3/4 of the days calorie allowance. Knowing that I had just over 200 calories to last for the rest of the day, was a real struggle. I didn't succeed.

As I said, exercise is a real issue for me right now. I used to exercise regularly, to the point of being excessive. I haven't been motivated for ages now. The pedometer that I used on Tuesday showed really low numbers in steps. Wednesday was better as I'd had a busy day. Yesterday, I had a really bad day. The early morning binge really threw out the whole calorie thing. I tried to spend some time on my exercise bike doing some speed cycling. I'm more unfit now than I ever was. I was so sore after a couple of minutes that I had to give up. My legs were aching, and so was my back. I feel like such a failure. Not being able to exercise properly. Everybody else in the group is so much more active than I am, and I really don't know how I'm meant to keep losing weight without exercise. Exercise really scares me. I know I have the tendency to overdo things. I'm not motivated, but I feel like I HAVE to do it as they'll be checking up on me. Despite my attempts, I just feel like I'm totally lazy and not doing anything. I keep feeling that everybody will think that I'm lazy and not trying. Just making excuses. I know I feel that way about myself. I was so upset about the whole thing last night that I was in tears, and needed some meds to sedate me. Not a good place to be in. It hung over to this morning, and I've slept 12 hours so far today. Not good. I don't know why I'm having such a problem with the exercise component, all I know is that I am. I don't know how to overcome it. I think if I bring it up at group, people are just going to think I'm silly. Even though I'm not motivated, knowing that people will expect me to do the exercise, I feel driven to try. Of course, my body is not handling it. I can't just sit down all day though. It's not healthy, and it won't help with weight loss and maintainance. I seriously just have to get over it and stop whining.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (10/29/2005 6:50:54 AM)

Something I need to talk to them about is the driveness that I have when it comes to exercise. Yes, I feel totally unmotivated to exercise, but there's a driveness there that really tries to push me to do it anyway. Ever since I was told that my bike would be dismantled if I got back on it way back then, I've been really fighting that driveness. Even though I'm not exercising the amount that I should be, the driveness is still definitely there. I know that it's not just in exercise, but other things as well. I don't know whether that's the obsessive compulsive side of me working.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be fully well again. No more eating disorder. No more OCD. It's something that I'm still hoping and praying for.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/2/2005 11:18:03 AM)

Hey everybody. I've been planning on coming in here for days to do a blog entry, but I just haven't got here yet.

I found Monday really evening/night really hard. All week, I've been wondering what I could tell them about how my week had been going. Not exercising as much as we're supposed to. Calories going everywhere due to trying to come off one of the meds that puts weight on me. Feeling really stressed. John and Joan dropped me off at the uni before they were going to go out for their date night. They've started doing that whilst I've been doing this course. Joan had got out of the car and was looking at the kids that were playing across the street. I said to John that I was feeling really unsure and uneasy. He started to try and reassure me, and I asked Joan to get back in the car so that they could both pray for me. Just after they started, I just burst into tears. The stress of it was just getting too much. They don't normally, but I walked over to the room where we go first before the class starts. They came with me, and it must have seemed like mummy and daddy coming with me.

As I began to try and describe my week and the way that I had been struggling with it, I could see that people just didn't understand. They looked at me as if I had three heads or something. People were really quiet with me that night. Some who usually make an effort to say hi, said nothing to me the whole night. I was just feeling really emotional. I didn't feel that I was understood by the people in the group, as much as I tried to explain to them.

They talked about body image Monday night. I knew that that was something that I really needed to look at. Sue was talking about the extremes that people go to when they have an eating disorder. It really did sound crazy, and all I kept thinking was how crazy I sounded too. The behaviour sounded so extreme. It really showed me what I have become. I was sitting there trying so hard not to cry.

When I left and I was on the way home with John and Joan, I pretty much cried all the way home. I just couldn't handle how far and how bad I've become due to the eating disorder. At that time, I just felt that it was too hard and I didn't want to do it anymore. I've been so emotionally and physically drained from all of this and I'm really looking forward to a time when I'm free from all this stuff. Joan and John didn't have a clue what was going on with me, but I've since talked to them and told them how things are. Not easy.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/6/2005 12:49:38 PM)

One of these days, I'm hoping to post something where I'm not whining or complaining, or being negative in some way. I don't think it's going to be today though.

I'm finding things really tough. I'm not motivated any more to lose weight, even though I should be. No, I'm not going to stop going to the weight management course, although, believe me, that thought had crossed my mind. I'm walking more, but I'm still not getting to where I should be in regards to that. I'm not doing any formal activity. I've been trying to ride my bike. I managed to ride it this afternoon, but it's the first time this week. I just feel like I'm being lazy.

I'm slipping too, in terms of my eating. I do try to stick to the 1500 calorie limit. The past couple of days, I haven't succeeded particularly well. I've gone back to binging, which is something I haven't done in a few weeks. I stress out and still try to keep as close to the 1500 calories that I'm allowed. At the moment, I'm consistently going over and not banking any calories for days that I might need to use another day. The last couple of days, I've had early morning binges, with around 1000 calories being used up by about 1am. It doesn't leave much of the rest of the day. I really need to stop that. Oops. Getting sleepy. Will finish this later.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/6/2005 8:54:38 PM)

Last Monday night I found it really hard. Sue was making comments about how things are so extreme in people with an eating disorder. I know that it's not news that I have one, but it really made me think of how bad things really are. How I take things to such extremes.

Sometimes I avoid. Don't look at myself in mirrors, other than to make sure my hair is ok. Don't look in shop windows. Definitely don't like myself in photos and will avoid them like the plague! I wear baggy clothes so people can't see my shape.

More often than not, I'm a checker. Making sure that the parts of me that I don't like are covered up, like my stomach and hips. Checking my weight on the scales to see if my weight has changed.

A couple of days this week, I had kids either repeatedly screaming out in shopping centres to their distant parents how fat I am or kids sitting there openly staring at me. Not just glancing, I mean staring for minutes at a time. It makes me want to run away and hide and never be seen again. If they see a problem, then what is everybody else thinking? Are the kids just verbalising what others are thinking?

I feel like I'm failing at all of this. Yes, I've lost 6.6lbs since I started the course, but with the motivation gone, and me reverting back to old behaviours, I just feel like I'm failing. I'm trying to remember why I started doing this in the first place. To get healthy and well. To lose weight and look better. At the moment, it's like I don't care. I well and truly used up all my calories yesterday, and after dinner (supper), I was so craving more things that I shouldn't be having. I knew that if I gave in, my caloric intake would be so much worse.

I told John and Joan about the binges. John didn't have to say anything. It was written all over his face what he thought. He's disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself that I am having so much difficulty in restraining myself again with food. Part of me think that I should just give up and keep eating what makes me feel better. I know that that wouldn't get me any healthier though, so I guess, for now, that's not an option. I sure wish it were though.

It's Monday here, and I have my craft group coming over. Group tonight. I guess I'll see how the session goes tonight.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/9/2005 11:18:12 PM)

Thursday morning here, and I'm just getting around to blogging. I had planned on doing it Monday, Tuesday or last night, but was just falling asleep.

Craft group went well. Not a lot of craft happened, but it was still good. I couldn't do any because of my wrist.

I lost more weight this week. I really thought that I was going to be putting on weight. Probably about 1.5lbs, 0.8kgs. I've lost something like about 8lbs so far. We talked about setting weight goals for ourselves. It didn't take a genius to figure out that I have some serious problems in that area. The weight that I want to get down to is far too low. There's been an ongoing story here in Australia about a young lady named Bronte. She suffered severely from anorexia. I look at her and think that she is too thin, and yet, in my mind, that's what I'd like to look like. I don't think I could ever get to her weight, even if I tried, so that's not going to happen. My idea of where I'd like to be, not Bronte's weight, is still 10kgs or 22lbs below where the surgeon would like to see me. In any case, there's going to be a lot of work to get to that point anyway.

My black and white thinking has definitely been a feature in the class. We were asked if anybody in the group thought that they had unrealistic weight goals, and I nodded. Everybody in the room looked straight at me, and one of the women commented that they were all looking at me, and laughed.

I got taken aside after the class and got given some extra homework. I have to write out the pros and cons of my black and white thinking. Do a thought diary to try and figure out what's behind all of the black and white thinking. They are going to have some more work for me to do next week. They tell me that it can be changed, but I really don't know how. I don't know anything other than the thinking that I have. I know that it has to change though.

I'm trying to get in more exercise and keep my eating under control. So many things to do and achieve.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/11/2005 10:16:16 AM)

It looks as though it's going to be a quiet weekend around our house this weekend. Joan and I were meant to go out tonight to learn how to make Christmas cards. Neither of us got there as both of us now have a tummy flu. We both started feeling unwell last night, but it has continued on.

I don't know if you've been keeping up with the news. Here in Australia, there have been several raids in Melbourne and Sydney. They found several people who were plotting terrorism her in this country. In Melbourne, they found enough supplies to make 15 bombs, just like those used in London earlier this year. Apparently, they had already planned where the bombings would be. There was somebody all ready to become the first suicide bomber. It makes me wonder what goes through the mind of somebody in that position. A lot of us would die for our faith, but why are these people willing to die so that they can cause the most amount of damage and to kill others?? I don't think it's something that I will ever understand.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/18/2005 10:36:10 AM)

It's been a while since I was last in here, so I thought I'd better do an update for those who don't follow my daily thread.

As of Monday, I lost another pound, taking it to 4.3kgs or 9.5lbs. I really don't think I'll be losing any weight this week. I've had some times where the caloric intake has far exceeded where it should have. I know I don't have anybody to blame but myself. To be honest, after this week, I don't deserve to have lost weight. I haven't been walking/exercising much at all. I've still had the tail end of this bug, leaving me exhausted and feeling hot.

My eating habits this week have been really rebellious. I know that I shouldn't be eating some things, and yet I go ahead and eat them anyway. I've had a few things to deal with this week that I haven't told people about, that I've found a bit stressful. That hasn't helped my eating either, but then again, I know that I still have to learn to deal with stress in ways other than eating.

I went and helped down at the church on Wednesday morning and found myself over balancing when I went to pick something up. My left wrist has been in a lot of pain in recent weeks, and of course, when I went to fall, to stop myself, I put my hand out. It ended up being my left hand. It was the closest to the floor, and I'm also left handed. The doctor checked yesterday to see if it was broken, but it's not. If anything, I've just sprained it. Either way, I've got to make sure it gets rested.

Today was a scary day. Joan and I had been looking forward to going to a craft fair today. She and I have both had this bug since last week. She'd been feeling better, but didn't tell me this morning that she hadn't been well. I knew I was tired, but didn't want to disappoint her. She didn't want to disappoint me. John dropped us off at the fair, as he needed the car. He had some appointments in the city and he was also supposed to be leading a men's bible study for a group. Not long after we got into the craft fair, Joan started saying that she wasn't feeling well. We were heading to somewhere to sit down. She has a walker with a seat on it, and said that she really needed to sit. A minute later, I see her heading head first for the floor! She drops her drink and I just managed to catch her. I'm standing there shaking her, calling into her ear, and she's not responding! The top of her head was resting in my stomach as I couldn't hold her with my hand. Nobody came to help. She'd passed out for about a minute. It took me 2 hours to finally get hold of John. He was supposed to be leading a men's group for the first time. I told him about Joan. She was feeling much better and I just thought that seeing as it was going to be a couple of hours before he finished, we'd be ok. Meanwhile, Joan's yelling into my mobile (cell) phone that I'm not well and that he should come. We didn't get to see all of the things there, but we saw a little. I bought a few things when we first got there. That's ok. So we had an interesting time. John ended up leaving the group before he'd even started it and came and picked us up and took us home. I was so scared! I've done first aid in the past, but I couldn't remember any of it. All I could see was her heading to the floor! I'd forgotten everything.

We were supposed to have friends join us for lunch after church on Sunday, but we've since decided with us not being well, that we'll postpone that. I found out this afternoon that John is not feeling well either. He seems to have the same thing as Joan and I. [:o][:'(][X(][&o][:(]



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (11/25/2005 8:05:50 AM)

Ok, I've been trying to work on this thread for about the past week, but every time I get here, I fall asleep before I manage to finish my post. I still don't know whether I'll get to finish this one, but at least I'll start. It's not as late at night here either, so maybe I'll get away with it.

Things haven't been easy of late. I've found that despite being sick, I've still put on weight. This week it was 0.4kgs. It could have been worse, as I know I've been bingeing a fair bit lately. Part of me just doesn't care. Part of me is going through a really rebellious stage. I can't get motivated to exercise. Stress has been taking it's toll, and instead of using other strategies, food has been getting a workout. [sm=icon_smile_blush.gif][sm=s14.gif][sm=rolleyes.gif]

There have been some health things going on that I haven't told anybody about. I have to get some further tests next weekend to see if there's anything to worry about. As there's a family history of cancer, and with what I've already experienced, it makes me feel nervous. I'm sure everything will be ok, but I still can't seem to calm down properly.

I had an interesting conversation with Sue, the lady who runs the group that I go to on Monday nights. We talked about my eating and why I'm bingeing again. I haven't binged as much as I had before I started the group. She gave me suggestions as to how I can try to handle the late night binges that I've been having. My caloric intake, despite being higher in recent times than previously in the group, is lower than it was before the start of the group. Sue said that she thinks that she wouldn't necessarily regard me as being bulimic anymore. How do I feel about the whole thing? Absolutely terrified! I know, it's weird. When I found out I had an eating disorder I freaked, to put it mildly. I couldn't believe it. Now with what I was told on Monday, I am freaking again. Why? Well, I know that I still have an eating problem, even if I'm not eating like I was before. To not have an eating disorder, now I have nothing to blame for the problem. It means that now I have to own up to the fact that I have a problem, and that problem is me. I feel like I'm a slob who just can't control themselves. It's hard to explain, and I don't know whether you understand. Some of the drives are still there of some of the things that bulimics do. I kind of told her a little about that, but not to what extent. In any case, she has requested I do some more homework in that area. She's not happy as the behaviour is dangerous, but in my mind, it doesn't matter. I know that I'm going to have to keep working on that. I've talked to her about the one on one counselling next year. I hadn't heard anything back from the clinic and she works there one day a week. Hopefully I'll hear back soon. If I can't get into the clinic, I can see one of the students at the university where I go to the group. They are supervised, so I'd be like practice for them. Part of me wonders how I could NOT have an eating disorder anymore. Yes, my eating is better, but it's certainly not where I'd like it to be. I know that I still want to be a lower weight than what people would see is normal. John still thinks that I have an eating disorder, even though Sue is the expert. He sees me as still having a compulsive eating problem. Who knows? I guess I just have to learn to deal with whatever is going on and get over myself.

Well, for the US, it's been Thanksgiving. We don't celebrate it here in Australia, but there are certainly things that I'm thankful for. God has put me around some wonderful friends who pray for, support and encourage me. There are so many of those people who are here on CW. I definitely count you all as a blessing to me and something to be really thankful for. Thankyou for everything you are to me. God uses you all more than you'll ever know to minister to me.



cherish405 -> RE: A life to cherish (12/2/2005 8:24:01 PM)

Silly season has officially started, and I'm liking parts of it. I'm reall appreciating the fact that cards have started coming from all over the place. I love giving and receiving cards. I really love the opportunity to bless others. Sometimes unexpectedly. I get a huge buzz out of that.

My body has decided that it is silly season too, but for a different reason. I am so looking forward to being well again. Our household in recent weeks has had a tummy bug that comes and goes. Joan seems to have gotten over it, but John and I are still stuck with it. Just to add to the misery, gastritis seems to have joined on to my list of ailments. [:'(][8|] The scales we've got at home are showing that I've lost weight, although I don't know which one to believe. There's quite a bit of difference between the 2 sets of scales we have. Oh well. I go for my next weigh in on Monday, so I'll find out which is the closest one.

On the health side, I'm really not looking forward to a visit to the doctor I have in a couple of hours. I found a worrying mole, and as there's a family history of breast cancer in my family, the doctor's not taking any chances. This will be the 3rd look he's taking at it in a couple of weeks. Hopefully it will be nothing, but I'm going to have to make sure things don't change. That's definitely something that I don't need to deal with right now.

Only a couple more weeks until Christmas. I still have so many cards to write. CW ones have been done, but now I have cards to do for family and some other friends. There's gifts to wrap and send. I've got a few things going on at the moment and I'm wondering how I'm going to fit everything in, but I'm sure I will. I know at times I stress too much over things. This time last year, I was less organised, so I'm glad that I'm at least ahead in that department.



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