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need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 1:15:58 PM
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BBQGIRL
Posts: 4
Joined: 12/31/2008
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We are the parent of 3 adult children, ages 24, 20, 18. Our 18yo son is the youngest and only male he just turned 18 in Oct, and graduated highschool, June 2008. 4 years ago we began a family restarunt that we as a family completly renovated and did construction on for an entire year before opening the Work has been very labor intensive and stressful at times, with little financial gain but that is to be expected at this time of the business plan. He and the 20 yo sister as well as his father, his 73yo grandmother, aunt and uncle and extended family memers have all worked at the restaraunt with virtually no compensation the entire time, We try to give a little when we can and we give a few dollars here and there plus tips from time to time. He, on his own, had decided this last year in highschool that he wanted to pursue a Culinary Career and possible expand upon the business. But lately because of decreased revenue from the restaraunt due to the world wide financial crises, he gets frustrated and angry and resentful that he is not given more spending money and time off to do things he wants since working there nearly full time since graduating Highschool 6/2008. In Sept 2008 we bought him, a nearly new Truck with rims and everything as a token of our apprecitation of his dedicated work and a partial graduation gift (although he barely graduated). Ever since he got the truck he has started w/ an attitude and not wanting to work as hard. Shortly after purchasing the truck, business at the restaraunt began to decline sharply due to the economy and the small town we live in . Also during this time we lost our home to foreclosure, and other financial stresses with his sister College costs etc, but by the Grace of God found a rental and moved on with our life without to much greif about it. The entire family has felt this financial crunch and have made adjustments, but he keeps harping on the fact that he works so hard and he cant get $20 to buy fast food or what ever, We try to explain the entire family and the world for that matter, financial crises, and how it does not make good financial sense to use valuable $$ frivoulously on fast food and car wahses for his truck and things like that espcially when he can eat a t the restaraunt like the rest of the family and hand wash his truck etc. he has begun to ignore things we ask him to do and be outright defiant at times, even disrepectdful in his tone of voice. Our family has never had any significant $$ and do not feel we have spoiled the kids when they were younger we spent quality time with them on vacations , little league, basketball, and every single weekend doing outings, playing sports, Sunday dinners at Grandma's , Church functions etc, but have always had very high expectations for all 3 kids making them work for what they want and not letting them run wild or unaccounted for etc, but he is officially and adult now and altough he may have spent the last 4 -5 years working very hard I think it builds character and helps them appreciate what they have but this does not seem to be happening with him? he is now on the verge of us asking him to move out on his own if he continues w/ this disresepectful attitude and refusal to come to work as scheduled do any chores around the house etc. I have offficially turned this over to God after trying to have a cival, non screaming conversation to no avail. I was thinking of writing him a short letter just voicing my concerns of where hes life is headed if he continues down this path, and how I have turned it over to God and I pray that he gets it before it is too late etc. But I wonder if I should forget abut the letter and just let GOD bring back my prodigal son in his time, I am becoming distraught at all this. His generally a good young man, does not get into any trouble aside from bad grades, and occasional attitude, and stubborness about chores. His Dad took the truck from him yesterday and told him he could drive our old truckif needed, after he failed to show-up nor called for work on a busy day, and left his Dad and 73yo grandmother to do all the work if needed and he refused. I feel this is just a :coming of age thing" but it could have lasting consequences if he contiues down this path, his Dad is totally angry with him and they almost had a physical altercation the other day because of his disrectful talk, His Dad is a Church Deacon and has always been strict, firm no-nonsence kinda guy with all the kids, but still spends quality time together every week, golfing, fishing, bowling, etc. This is such a crucial time for him and he is all of a sudden making these stupid decsioans and acting out, I do not sustpect drug use I am a Nuse and very familiar with those types of signs. I was an abandoned child and although I have never overridden any discipline his Dad has given him I have tended to be the "softy" of the 2 and the few times over the past several years but have always insisted on accountablity, mutual respect etc, I have just tried to be the mediator when things almost became physical between he and heis Dad 4-5 times over the past year or so.
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 4:42:23 PM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3045
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I don't know your son, but being expected to work for a family business like this would drive me nuts. This isn't a job where he's an employee being paid for his time - it's a chore like cleaning his room or taking out the garbage.
Let him get a job on his own and take care of himself.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 5:57:34 PM
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BBQGIRL
Posts: 4
Joined: 12/31/2008
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thanks for the feed back, i can understand the non compensation bit to a certain degree, but the way I see it, He on his own said He wants to go to Culinary School, and take over the family business, and expand it to a Sports bar themed restarunt, what better way to learn than in his own restaurnt?? And as business owner he will have to learn that it akes alot of hard work to make your dream a reality, and sometimes you are not compensated accordingly. he is now and adult, and out of High school. Plus in other cultures suchas Asain restaraunts Kids work there all the time, with little to no compnsation. We had hoped to not only teach him the business aspects of running his own restarunt but also the imprtance of Family and sticking together when times are tough etc.
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 7:10:23 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1146
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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The reality is that you can't have those expectations on him.
The business is your business. Not his. He has no motivation to stay living with you and working for you without compensation. He probably feels like he is stuck in high school. If he's serious about working with you and the restaurant you may want to include him in the ownership as an adult. That's the only motivation I can see available to you at this time. Allowing him to make decisions and experience all parts of the business (bills, accounts, ordering, scheduling, etc) as he works himself into a share of the business (including profits) within a specific period of time.
Another option (and I think the best thing) would be for him to get a job elsewhere, move out, and pursue schooling if this is his dream. It doesn't sound like you can fund culinary school so you should let him go so he can earn his way. He can always return when he has additional training and maturity.
He's 18, even if he has previously considered a career with your restaurant he might change his mind and move on. This has nothing to do with his work ethic. This has everything to do with being stuck in a dead end job with no motivations (even money). Even the most loyal 18 year old can be frustrated by those conditions.
What you need to remember is that while you view this as a family enterprise, unless he is specifically included in decisions and management he probably just feels like free labor. Certainly you're trying even to control what spending money he gets.
Let go. Have an honest conversation with your son discussing his options. Don't put a lot of expectations on him. Listen. He's an adult that's all you can do.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 7:31:26 PM
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mrf084
Posts: 243
Joined: 12/14/2007
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Your son is at a point in his life where possibilities are endless and discovery is limitless. He wants to stretch his wings a little. He probably is feeling somehat restricted. I suspect he only sees the work and not the reward. The burdens that a father and husband is willing to bear versus a teenage boy can be dramatically different. The ties that bind us together sometimes seem restrictive to young men that don't know any better. He is a young man that has to make his own decisions. You as his parents have influence but you can't make him choose what you want for him. You can show him your vision for the future but he will make his own path. You need to sit down with him and encourage his belief that he can do anything he wants to and that you will support him. Ask him what he would do if he could do anything he wanted with his life and then work out a plan with short and long range goals. If he can see progress towards his goals he may decide that you are all on the same sheet of music instead of trying to take a different path. You may find out though that he has changed his mind about his life direction and you will have to support those plans. Give him the power to make his own decisions without disappointment or recriminations though. If you raised him well he will turn out fine. As it says in Proverbs 22:6 " train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 7:43:44 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1579
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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quote:
In Sept 2008 we bought him, a nearly new Truck with rims and everything as a token of our apprecitation of his dedicated work and a partial graduation gift (although he barely graduated).
quote:
His Dad took the truck from him yesterday and told him he could drive our old truckif needed,
Gifts shouldn't be taken away.
_____________________________
If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 12/31/2008 8:11:20 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1758
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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You are treating this man like an indentured servant simply because he is your offspring, and you were generally good to him during his minority. It's neither fair not right.
If you gave him a gift (the truck) it's underhanded to make it seem as if that gift obligates him to countless years of putting his efforts into his parents borderline business venture. And you certainly don't take it back! (Though you might discontinue paying for gas/insurance etc. -- which is part of the plan, below.)
Adults don't get "given spending money" nor do they have to give an accounting of what they want to spend any of their earnings on.
Every adult that you know has the right to choose whether or not to do what other people ask him to. That's not defiance. That's freedom. If you make it emotional, you are likely to get attitude back at you. (And if his dad has taught him that 'getting physical' is what you do when you are deeply angry over ill treatment, then I'm not surprised that it's coming out that way.)
OK enough rebuke. Here's the advice. Give him a wage, charge him room & board, and stop paying for any other expenses of his. Calculate this to be that if he works ordinary shifts, he earns enough to pay his room & board, his vehicle expenses, his personal expenses (clothing etc.) plus maybe $50. (Build a 'fine' of $10 per week for non-doing of his chore list.)
That way, it's just the same (to you) as if you were still paying his expenses and he was still working for free... but there is an important degree of separation and independence that sets your relationship free from all this kerfuffle.
Really, if he continues down this path he's likely to become a pretty ordinary college student with a part time job that pays him barely enough to live off of for his school years. I don't see a real problem with that. (And you will have to pay for an employee to help dad & grandma -- and that employee is not going to be paying you back most of his wages as rent.)
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 1/1/2009 12:52:04 AM
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Christian30
Posts: 14
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Stafford, TX (Houston suburb)
Status: offline
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A family business isn't for everyone. If he is not going to cooperate with his responsibilities you need to let him go in another direction and just let him take care of himself. You could damage your long-term relationship trying to combine family and work relationships if things are going this badly.
Be careful about the assumptions you make about Asians and family businesses. Maybe there are some situations where they work with little or no compensation, but it wasn't the situation of my Asian wife. As a teenager she got "mad" about a situation with her family and went off to find a job with an American retailer. She didn't make nearly the money she did with her family, and was not treated as well. She returned to the family business within 2 weeks, and with an improved attitude. That was many years ago.
At 18 I was walking fairly closely with the Lord and was not rebellious, but a family business with little compensation would have driven me crazy. I'm sorry to say that, but even though your son is in sin his perspective is not unusual.
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 1/1/2009 11:19:52 AM
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sen10tious
Posts: 232
Joined: 4/11/2005
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What were you thinking—buying a truck when you couldn't first meet a payroll or mortgage payments? Oh well, that is done, and you should not take it back now.
How is the business organized? Do family members have "shares" such that if it flourishes or tanks they will reap the effects? I am asking because as long as you are holding all his purse strings, he is not going to have any incentive to make this arrangement work. Concentrate on making sure that there is some sort of payoff—or let him go make it on his own. As a Christian employer, you have an obligation to pay your workers. If he will accept payment as a barter for rent, great; but there needs to be a specific value (x hours at the restaurant per week).
Letting him go work at another restaurant might actually be a good thing. I know some servers at established restaurants that make a good living, and since the work is nearly all night-and-weekend stuff, they can easily squeeze in a day class at college. He could learn a lot about the business, about controlling loss, how to treat customers, sanitation rules, time management etc., all without having to feel like a little kid who is still tied to daddy & mommy's apron strings. You are going to have to start thinking of him as an adult or you will never solve this problem.
As for a prodigal son—he'd have to actually leave before he could return all the wiser.
_____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 1/1/2009 12:09:12 PM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 815
Joined: 11/21/2007
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There were a few things that struck me about your letter. First, an adult should not have to ask for spending money if he works. If he wants to spend his wages on fast food and car washes that is his business. As an adult, I do not have my parents approve my expenditures. I spend my money, either wisely or frivolously, and then deal with the consequences.
As for the truck, either it was a gift or it was not. I do not believe you take away gifts. After they are given, they are not yours to take away.
However, my biggest concern was this:
quote:
Shortly after purchasing the truck, business at the restaraunt began to decline sharply due to the economy and the small town we live in . Also during this time we lost our home to foreclosure, and other financial stresses with his sister College costs etc, but by the Grace of God found a rental and moved on with our life without to much greif about it.
If I am reading this right, one of the reasons your son does not get paid for his work because you are paying for his sister's school. Is that correct? I am trying to put this the right way. Your financial hardships, paying for school, foreclosure on your home, decline at the restaurant, are your responsibility. They are not his burdens to bear. I don't think it is right to expect him to shoulder this burden with you.
I really think it would be better if he started working away from the family business. He seems very frustrated and seems to be giving up making this situation work. Let him get on with his own life, with his own decisions, and his own responsibilities.
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time right how. Times are tough for many people right now. I hope that during all of these you do not exasperate your son to the point that it damages your relationship.
Karen
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 1/1/2009 7:36:19 PM
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flyboy2610
Posts: 116
Joined: 5/10/2005
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Remind him the Marines are hiring.
_____________________________
If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Red Green
If you're going to live like there's no hell..... you'd better be right.
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RE: need advice re:18 yo son - 1/1/2009 10:32:40 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 56
Joined: 7/25/2007
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This is sad for you and for your son. Obviously this setup is not working for any of you. You are hanging onto your business for dear life and your son is being an 18 year old who wants to spread his wings and even have some fun. Let him go, give him truck, one months car insurance and let him find a job somewhere out in the big wide wonderful world and let him grow up.
Its so hard for family to work together and I feel sorry for all of you.
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