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Seperation - 1/24/2009 7:42:49 PM
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AmaniNesta
Posts: 2
Joined: 1/24/2009
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I am new to this, but I feel like I need some help. Maybe someday I can be a help to others. My wife and I are discussing a short separation. We have always had our issues, but lately we have been fighting and being very hurtful to each other. We have 3 little girls and we don't want them to see us like this. We are committed to making our marriage work, but we just can't seem to get along and get through some of our issues. We have been to marriage counseling in the past, but my wife doesn't think that it helps. We can't imagine being without each other, but right now it's hard being together. Anybody out there have any suggestions on how to make our separation successful (meaning that we will have a better marriage after of course).
_____________________________
Peace in Jesus' Name!
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RE: Seperation - 1/24/2009 8:35:04 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 224
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From: Upstate NY
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quote:
being very hurtful to each other
Don't worry about what she does. As for yourself, stop hurting her. It takes two to fight. You stop. See what happens after that. It may shock her. She'll be so stunned that she'll spit and sputter and not know what to do for a while. Think of it like a science experiment.
Seriously, how do you think fights end? Someone has to stop first.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Seperation - 1/24/2009 9:14:46 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 1249
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I, for one, have never understood how separation can bring people closer together - and I've never really seen it work that way. IMO, you need to find ways to control tempers and reactions and change the way you relate and communicate, not just put more distance in the relationship.
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RE: Seperation - 1/24/2009 9:18:40 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8220
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AmaniNesta
We have 3 little girls and we don't want them to see us like this.
Unless there has been any violence between you two, or unless there is any substance abuse on either side, I don't see how on earth it will benefit your daughters not to have you both at home. Let alone how it will benefit your marriage.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 12:45:25 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 536
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
My wife and I are discussing a short separation. We have always had our issues, but lately we have been fighting and being very hurtful to each other.
*What are the fights about?
Lack of money? too many bills? home going into foreclosure?
Someone spending time with another man or woman? Job loss?
Unequally yolked? Substance abuse? Porn? Not a good cook or
housekeeper? Paisley curtains in the living room? etc....
If you and her are committed to making the marriage work -
then you and her will have to WORK on whatever the issues are...
avoiding the subject(s) won't help.
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 10:09:02 AM
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glory_2god@hotmail.com
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My brother separation is not the answer to your problem,we must choose to work out our differences because God joined us together for His reason and not ours.When we are joined in marriage we made a covenant with God we are also asked to love our wife or husband as our self.Prayer and submission to Gods ways are huge in His eyes.He says that we are to cast out burdens on Him only He can take care of our stuff we gave our life to Him and we cannot make our own disssions when we try to do things on our own we fail.
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 10:13:29 AM
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glory_2god@hotmail.com
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We must submit to God every area of our lives.If we get rooted and grounded in love there is no way the enemy can win.
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 5:26:45 PM
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precious38
Posts: 5
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My friend, dont do it..... stay with your wife find out what is the issues and take it step at a time. I seperated from my husband and it was living hell and a nightmare that seem like wasn't going to ever end. I'm in a situation like yours I love my husband but we fus and argue alot. He is the type that you cannot talk to. At least your trying marriage counselor he doesn't even want to do that. He tried seperating from his family, because of his mother but it didn't work we missed each other so bad, but while he was gone I meet someone else and that was a mess. Why give the devil a gap he's going to play with you and your wife with it. Humble your spirit sometimes our mates doesn't tke the time to listen. Psalm 10:17 Lord thou has heard the desire of the humble then wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear.
I'm going to pray DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER, be with them oh LORD plant yourself firmly in there thoughts and never let them turn from you in JESUS name AMEN
Walk in faith it's already done no seperation thus said the LORD.
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 6:18:57 PM
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flygirl96
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I can tell you I seperated from my husband for just under 2 weeks and it made us 110% more in love than ever. It helped us but we don't have kids. It was the hardest 2 weeks of my life but it made both of us realize how much we mean to each other and love each other. I don't think it's always the right answer but.......you do what you need to do.
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 6:29:09 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: flygirl96
I can tell you I seperated from my husband for just under 2 weeks and it made us 110% more in love than ever. It helped us but we don't have kids. It was the hardest 2 weeks of my life but it made both of us realize how much we mean to each other and love each other. I don't think it's always the right answer but.......you do what you need to do.
You're the first person I've ever heard say they benefitted from separation. But I also think the kids add a dimension that can't be ignored. When dh confessed his affair to me he offered to leave for a while if I needed him to - 1. there was no way anyone was running from this and 2. I'd never ask him to leave his children - it would destroy us all. Kids aren't as resilient as people like to think!!
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RE: Seperation - 1/25/2009 8:39:56 PM
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flygirl96
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IT made us communicate on the phone and we were able to talk and really miss each other. I'm sad I'm the first you ever heard of but I'm glad we made it. It made me miss him and it made him realize I'm what he wanted without a doubt.
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RE: Seperation - 1/26/2009 5:01:33 PM
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zoebob
Posts: 7962
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From: land of limbo
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I don't agree that it takes 2 people to fight. I've seen situations where one person wanted to stop fighting and did and the other one would keep screaming at them, etc and refused to drop it until they had vented all they had to say/do.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Seperation - 1/26/2009 9:18:43 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hello AmaniNesta
You know, it's funny. In all my 72 years of life I've seen a countless number of couples that love each other but have a lot of difficulty liking each other. You say, you've had counseling. Was it with both of you.
Have you ever considered seeking counsel individually. Each one would zero in on the things about me that cause ripples in the relationship. The idea is not to fix the other but to fix one's self. Each might also ask the Holy Spirit to reveal faults. It's amazing what He can show individuals.
Keep in mind that God usually brings people together that are quite different. As many have said, if both of us were alike we wouldn't need each other. It would also be a bad situation. Can you imagine living with someone that was exactly like yourself?
You say that both of you can't feature life without the other? I should think that a separation would only drive wounds deeper and make it harder to build a harmonious relationship..
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RE: Seperation - 1/27/2009 6:13:05 AM
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denishpeter111
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The best way is to get together..not the separation.The path should be forward not backward.
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RE: Seperation - 1/27/2009 11:16:05 AM
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nuclear_sidewalk
Posts: 206
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Separation can be beneficial, but only if its clear goal is to reunite and strengthen the relationship. It's also one of those things that's not really recommended so much as it is dealt with after happening. I might not say "Hey, you guys oughta separate, that'll fix everything!" On the other hand, after it happens, I might say that there are clear benefits, depending.
My parents separated for about a year when I was too young to notice, they came together again, and I was none the wiser for years. So it can work, but both members must be committed to improvement and healing.
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RE: Seperation - 2/6/2009 3:04:56 PM
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shehe
Posts: 14
Joined: 2/3/2009
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Many of the articles I have read do not believe that separation improves the realtionship of a marriage in trouble. For me separation nor divorce is an option and although professional help might be necessary, and you have tried, there are things that can be done to improve your marriage and prevent separation. I recently found this article which is worth reading. http://www.savemymarriage.com/separation/9-ways-to-improve-your-marriage-and-prevent-separation-or-divorce/. It gives some suggestions that can be helpful even for healthy marriages.
All my prayers are with you.
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RE: Seperation - 2/6/2009 3:42:36 PM
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mfcf1994
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From my own experience, I would say DON'T DO IT! My husband and I are separated and it has devastated our children. Unfortunately, we aren't getting back together since he has started seeing someone else. You both need to get a grip on your tempers and if that means counseling together, then go.
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RE: Seperation - 2/6/2009 4:19:54 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 3617
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From: upstate NY
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since there's no abuse i don't think it'd be healthy. it's usually not productive and pretty traumatic for the kids. you can do your part to stop the fighting. it also seems to contradict the Bible .... Matthew 19:6 and 1 Cor 7 are commands to not separate (as well as not divorce) ...
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Seperation - 2/8/2009 12:22:41 AM
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woundedrock
Posts: 50
Joined: 1/27/2009
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My wife and I are currently separated because she wanted to separate. I pleaded for her not to do it but she felt that she had to. I agree with most on here that it is not a solution to the problem. Why would you get away from each other to learn how to work better together? For me, I am here for her and just in waiting until God lights a fire under her and gets her you know what home.
I pray that you decide to work it out together and put all of your past hurt and anger behind. You both have to forgive one another for how you have been wronged before you can move on. If you don't, that resentment will remain with you and neither of you will begin to grow together again.
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RE: Seperation - 2/8/2009 12:53:16 AM
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WorkLifeBalance
Posts: 3
Joined: 2/6/2009
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Brother, please don't stop trying!
I married my highschool sweetheart and it only lasted a few short years. I wasn't a Christian back then (and neither was she). Years later I remarried to a wonderful women who brought me to Christ. We are happily married and have two beautiful children. God works in mysterious ways. I know now that I would do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
I attended a Promise Keepers event this weekend for Men's discipleship training. When I got home this evening my wife and I watched Fireproof. I strongly encourage you to watch it.
Andy
< Message edited by WorkLifeBalance -- 2/8/2009 1:27:37 AM >
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RE: Seperation - 2/10/2009 10:07:09 PM
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hatsofftou
Posts: 80
Joined: 1/17/2009
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No seperation doesn't always work out for the best. Thats where me and my husband are at right now and I'am sad to say it but we are going to be getting a divorce here very soon when the tax money comes back. I don't want too, but you can't make another person love you if they don't love you anymore! anyhow, you need to be with her to figure out what the problem is and with God all things are possiable! so go fix your marriage and by all means stick to the marriage councling. it does help! God bless you and your family. 
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RE: Seperation - 2/13/2009 6:46:24 AM
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Lyrach
Posts: 133
Joined: 10/20/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
You're the first person I've ever heard say they benefitted from separation. But I also think the kids add a dimension that can't be ignored. When dh confessed his affair to me he offered to leave for a while if I needed him to - 1. there was no way anyone was running from this and 2. I'd never ask him to leave his children - it would destroy us all. Kids aren't as resilient as people like to think!!
Wow. . I have to say though that I agree that separation isn't always a good thing - unless there's immediate harm to the person and/or children. Definitely you need to take responsibility for you & your choices. Please don't take the "american" way out - the easy way. My sister is in a physically abusive relationship & has two sons - so she spent 2 nights with her children away from home - and now they both have an appointment with the pastor of their church. You can only do what is right...and I know God will point out to you what that looks like as time goes on. I agree though, kids aren't as resilient as people say - they are, in truth, MORE affected the younger they are - it creates stability issues in a lot of kids. FOr my parents, after my dad confessed his addiction problem, I was 14 years old. My mother did ask him to separate for a time while they both worked on themselves, and they did frequent (every couple days) check ins, and we had dinners together during that half-year season. It ended up being very healthy for our family, but that had to do with the fact that in order for my father to change, he needed to be in a desperate situation (not losing his wife and/or kids). Whew! I will be praying for you - this is not easy, but I know that God will give you His awesome strength, wisdom, and peace - seek to honor God - that's the final outcome of your heart & marriage. Peace be with you.
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RE: Seperation - 2/22/2009 6:02:21 PM
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wp0824
Posts: 30
Joined: 2/22/2009
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I to am new to this me and my wife tried seperation for three months. In my oppinion it wasn't our best option because no matter how we explained it to our childeren it caused different questions and confusion for them. Im sure your like me, my kids are my everything the seperation just hurt them in a different way.This might not be the case for your family thought I'd share. good luck
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