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This is hard for me, but here goes... - 2/27/2009 1:21:50 PM
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Bro_Shane
Posts: 1614
Joined: 8/4/2005
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Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it
Those are tough words, really tough. The Lord has been working on my heart recently, and in an area in which I am not very comfortable. I strive to live a Godly life and I like to think of myself as a good person. I'm honest, I treat people fairly, I'm a pastor, a father, a husband - and I thought I was being good at all of them. As a man, it is hard to admit failure, especially when it is in an area in which I believe so strongly. But I have to admit it if I want to remain honest. I have failed.
It is tough for me to write this, and I do so in hopes that none of you will make the same mistake. You see, I love my wife. I would die for her. She is the mother of my two children and has put up with me for a long time, always loving me, always supporting me. I have always loved her and I always will. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would change that. But, even though I love her, I had stopped respecting her, who she is, what she does, and what God meant for her to be to me.
In doing that, it became easier for me to be angry with her. It became easier for me to ignore her feelings, or to write them off as feminine craziness, a "it must be that time of the month again" sort of thing. It became easier for her feelings and desires to be less real, less important. Without realizing it, I had relegated my wife to something less than what she should be, to less than who she was.
This is what hurts. I love my wife, enough to die for her - but was I giving myself for her? Dying for something does not take the same level of commitment as living for something; as continuing every single day to make the decision, for the rest of your life, to continue giving yourself. This is what I had forgotten. It is not just a one-time sacrifice God has called us to. Christ, at this very moment, sits at the right hand of God making intercession for us. He did not stop loving us, He did not stop caring about us, He did not stop making preparations for us after His resurrection. For almost two thousand years He has been there, knowing us better then we know ourselves, guiding, convicting, giving peace and strength. Every single moment of every single day He is there, wholly God yet continuing to love us and work on our behalf.
I am wrong. I have not been making that sacrifice. I had done what a man was supposed to do in that my family had a home, food, and all other needs were met. But that is what a man is supposed to do anyway. I wasn't going out of my way to appreciate who and what she is. I quit seeing the absolute blessing, the wonderful gift God had given me in her. I was there in body, but not in any other way.
I have never strayed or been unfaithful to my wife in any way. I would work at any job to provide for my family, but that's not enough. I need to be her husband in every sense of the word. Without leaving, I had abandoned her. But not anymore.
Men, please learn from what I am saying. Tell your wives you love them. Show it by listening to them. Don't dismiss their feelings just because you can't understand them sometimes. Keep in mind the sacrifices she has made for you, what she puts up with just to be with you. See her again with a new vision, see her as the most precious thing you have ever been given by God outside of your salvation. Fight for her heart, her mind, her attention. Be grateful.
Ephesians 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
And now, as I see this, God is again proven true. I feel, in my own heart and mind, things that I would have otherwise missed if I had not submitted to God. My entire outlook has changed. Men, this will be just as good for me as for her. I feel better already, more alive.
I was wrong but, through the grace and mercy of a loving God, I now know it, have repented to both God and her, and will strive to never, never, make the same mistake again.
I hopes this helps someone. If it does, please say a quick prayer for me. I have a lot of making up to do.
God bless.
_____________________________
<---- Respect the turtle neck
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 2/27/2009 2:41:35 PM
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Christ__follower
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/25/2009
From: Billings, Montana
Status: offline
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Bro Shane,
Thank you for posting this. I believe that if more men stopped and actually examined their relationship to the extent that you did, you would find that you are not alone; yes, I am one of them.
I will pray for you that you continue to minister to and love your wife and that your marriage will reap great benefits because of your willingness to do this.
Thank you for spurring others on.
Blessings!
_____________________________
Don
<>< Jeremiah 29:11 ><>
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 2/27/2009 9:06:56 PM
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denbert
Posts: 12780
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Right on! Thanks for the reminder and the encouragement!
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 2/28/2009 1:55:26 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1352
Joined: 4/8/2005
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Thanks Bro Shane. I too have shared this struggle. After 20 years I've found the feelings come and go with the stressors of life. But, today, I learned my pastor has been having an affair for quite some time. I fear our congregation is in for a severe battle.
_____________________________
Never make someone else a priority while you remain an option!
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 2/28/2009 8:59:10 PM
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denbert
Posts: 12780
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Oh my! That's more common than you would think.
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 3/13/2009 2:09:02 PM
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DAVIDNEELEY
Posts: 34
Joined: 2/6/2009
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THANK YOU
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 4/10/2009 10:49:16 AM
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tromo
Posts: 38
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Mark Driscoll preached a message on 03/22/2009 entitled Marriage and Men. Download it and listen to it. It is one of the greatest sermons I have ever heard preached. It is on their website http://www.marshillchurch.org/
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 4/18/2009 4:09:50 PM
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7arrows
Posts: 92
Joined: 4/2/2009
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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We have to be determined not to receive those thoughts of bitterness toward our wives. This is impossible without God. My flesh wants so much to think about what my wife is not doing instead of what she is doing. Sir, this is not only hard for you, but me and so many other husbands who are determined to live for God's will in their families. Not only saved men, but men in general. satan is determined to corrupt what God has ordained. That's what gives me strength right there. Thats what keeps me loving my wife even when I do mess up. I will not allow bitternes to make root in me toward my wife. I will not, because I know that's what satan wants. My children, nephews, neices, brother, sister, and many others will receive their deliverance by seeing in my life what God intended for marriage and family to be like in the first place. With the power that is in my tongue I declare that No weapon formed against the marriages of the men who read this will prosper. What God has joined together no man shall seperate. In Jesus name, Amen.
_____________________________
1Ti 3:5 (For if a man know nothow to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 5/2/2009 10:11:20 AM
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ZachsDad
Posts: 16
Joined: 8/12/2005
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Thanks Brother Shane for this post. I have come to realize lately that I haven't been a very good husband and it took the near destruction of my marriage to wake me up. My spouse has been serving overseas for almost a year, she came home in March for r and r and we took a vacation in Puerto Rico. While we were there, she said that she was going to visit a girlfriend who was there on business, but that she would wait for our son to go to bed before she would go see her. Turns out that she was really seeing another man that she had met and started an adulteress relationship with while overseas. I was totally in the dark about it. Our 3rd day there, I had taken her laptop to a place to get free internet and when I got connected, a IM came up on the screen from this other man. So I confronted her with it, but she said it was nothing. But as the week went on, I did some snooping and discover that she had indeed been having an affair with this man. My heart was broken. On our way home we had a long layover in Miami. While there I was deleting messages from my phone when I discovered a text message that she sent him saying that she loved him. Again my heart was broken and I felt that it was all over for us. I showed her the message that I found and thanked her for making me look like a total fool. I went for a walk through the airport, by myself, wondering what I was going to do without her. I felt so bad that I wanted to die. I asked God to give me some peace. Then it was like a small voice whispered in my ear, "Go fight for your wife." When I got back to the gate, I sat her down and told her that I wasn't just going to walk away from this marriage. That I knew that I hadn't been tending to her needs and that that was going to change. I told her that if I had to go find this man and confront him face to face, that's what I would do. But that he wasn't taken anymore from me. I tried to call him, but he hasn't been man enough to answer me. So I typed out a rather lengthy email to him and told him in no uncertain words that he could not have my wife.
She has told me that she wants to make our marriage work and that she has broken it off with him. As she is still overseas, I just have to trust her, but it's hard. Please pray for her.
Now, I stated in the beginning of this post that I haven't been a very good husband and here's why. I have been addicted to pornography since my early teens, I'm almost 41 now. I'm now on day 20 of The Way of Purity Course on the Setting Captives Free site. I confessed my addiction to my wife and my parents and siblings. I apologized to my wife for not meeting her needs both physically and emotionally. I told her that I would do whatever it would take to save our marriage which included dealing with the porn addiction and a struggle with depression. I have also let my weight get out of control to were I'm nearly 100 lbs over weight. My weight plus the addiction to pornography has really effected our sex life.
I'm telling all of this to let any other man out there who might be struggling in their marriage know that if your not meeting you wife's needs, some other man might. Fight for you Wife. It's doesn't take much to show your love for her. My wife gets a lot of enjoyment out of a daily e-mail from me. She says that it makes her day when so opens her e-mail account and finds an e-mail from me. I can't help but to think, "Man, what if I had done this from the start of her deployment." It's the little things that mean the most. Sure, I say that I would die for her, but how is she supposed to believe that if I won't even do the little things that she ask of me? Basically, it all boils down to SERVICE. Serve your wife.
I ask for you guys to pray for me and my wife. I will gladly pray for you all. Thanks.
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 5/2/2009 11:47:47 AM
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looktotheeast
Posts: 48
Status: offline
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Howdy men. First post.
Bro shane, appreciate the honest confession.
“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed....”
Certainly an important step Brother.
My prayer for you and yours as a husband of 18 years would be that we would obey 1 Peter 3:7 in conjunction with Eph 5.
These commands were written to men because of our selfish nature. Every day we must die to self when serving Christ, and is especially true when it comes to truly loving our wives. I’d go so far as to say the above dove-tails with 1 Timothy 5:8.
Finally, for all men on here, I’m reminded of this command:
“Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men (IOW, act like men), be strong.”
Let’s love our wives brothers.
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 5/4/2009 11:04:11 PM
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graceaddict
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/17/2009
Status: offline
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Now you have to forgive yourself and rely on God's grace. She has to forgive you and recognize God's grace. Don't try to make up for things because there's no way you can erase the past and you can't make her forget the past. That's up to her. It sounds like you are feeling downright guilty. Ask yourself what exactly is God's grace? The reason you disrespected her is not because you are a bad husband, it's because you are flesh and blood. If you don't forgive yourself, you won't be able to forgive her when she does wrong and that will sow seeds of unforgiveness that will make your life a living hell. Forgive, fall on the grace of God, and move on.
< Message edited by graceaddict -- 5/5/2009 1:49:53 PM >
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 5/16/2009 10:12:36 PM
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LCannon
Posts: 1120
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Lebanon, OR
Status: online
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Tell her not me. The story goes; after a 'appropriate' courtship the guy said, 'I'll will die for if I'm allowed to marry you.' The young lady pondered a bit and relied, 'That's not good enough.' 'What?' he exclaimed feeling defeated. 'I want a husband that will live for us.'
_____________________________
'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' (Joshua 1:5)
''Let the very worst thing come to pass[and]even there,
especially there; His hand will hold.' -Elisabeth Elliot-
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RE: This is hard for me, but here goes... - 6/6/2009 2:23:40 PM
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ourapostle
Posts: 2
Joined: 6/6/2009
Status: offline
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I'm new to the forums. Hi!
I have to say that reading all of your posts in this forum has literally brought me to tears. I, like all of you, love my wife with ever fiber of my body and would also, without question, die for her. However, when I look at her I sense that I am looking at her without respect, trust, faith. I look at my own wife with disdain. And I'm disgusted. My wife is concerned with only one thing and that is to make her family happy. That I am happy even if she isn't. She continually sacrifices so that I can have everything I want. Yet, I look at her with disgust. Really?! When she's not around I too look at porn; thinking that she will never know. Right! I obviously don't giver her enough credit. Reading your posts has truly opened my eyes. Thank you! It's not her at all; it never has been. How could it possibly her fault when she lives for my happiness. I don't (or didn't until now) live for her happiness. We have been married for 14 years and recently I have felt as if there is a strain in our relationship and I begin doubting whether our marriage will last. There is in fact a strain in our marriage...ME! And I know now that whether our marriage lasts or not is up to me. My wife deserves my respect, she deserves a hug...just because...she deserves for her husband to live for her happiness as she has lived for mine. Brothers, I promise to make the changes necessary to be not just a good husband but the best husband I can be. To be the husband that God wants me to be.
Thank you!
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Bro Shane 