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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 12:19:05 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 687
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Beth67
A few weeks ago, my Christian husband called me, and I quote, "repulsive". 
Sending a cyber hug your way....((((Beth)))). That's a terrible thing for your husband to say.  It was rude, insensitive, unkind, uneccessary, and unloving.
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The spouse's happiness comes first." Really?
Yes, that's the way it's supposed to be.
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why can a woman complain about emotional withdraw, income level, time with the kids, etc. etc., but a man can't complain about a woman's weight unless her health is at stake? Why is "you're boring and make no effort to enrich your life with interesting pursuits" not a sufficient reason to spend little time with your wife or make a minimal conversational investment in her, but "I don't feel like it" or "I feel healthy" is a legitimate reason for a woman to put on 40 pounds?
Most American women are already very self-conscious about their weight and physical appearance. So if a husband complains when his wife gains a few lbs. he's just reinforcing the insecurities that she very likely already feels. Not to mention the fact that no grown person needs someone else to tell them they are overweight because they already know it.
If a man tells his 30 yr. old wife that the 20 lbs she's gained over the years is making her less attractive to him how will that make her feel over the course of a lifetime? Because let's face it, most people WILL gain weight as they age. So when it becomes impossible to retain the same figure she had as a very young woman, how is that wife going to feel? She's going to feel like her husband isn't attracted to her. It's a sad way to live, feeling like you have to look like you're in your early twenties for the rest of your life in order to keep your husband happy.
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Buckifn: If a person told me they are even thinking of telling their spouse they are "repugnant" I would invite them over- lock them in my study room with a Bible and refuse to let them out until they have spent at least a day praying for God to teach them what love means, what Scripture teachs us about God's love for us, His church, and how we are to love our wives as Christ loves His church.
My first wife was in outstanding physical condition, weight and height totally proportionate, active, and went in the hospital for a simple procedure and came out 2 hours later dead. Even if I had not had that exp. I don't think I would have any problem knowing love has absolutely nothing to do with a person's weight.
Because I KNOW what love is that is why I would never say something like that. Love is more likely to help me spend hours by my spouses side wiping her face with a cold towel after chemo than complaining she ate a pint of ice cream.
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QTman: However, if it all boils down to the fact that the spouse is no longer eye candy and arm decorations then just leave it alone. It is all part of life and aging.
Those two posts by Buck and QTman were great. I competely agree. 
I'd just like to add that this society is WAYYYY to focused on weight/appearance/aging. Seriously it's ridiculous.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 12:42:45 AM
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Ross.Lang
Posts: 453
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quote:
Yes, that's the way it's supposed to be.
So that's a yes to facial tattoos? What if he bought a corvette without consulting you? Whatever floats his boat, right?
quote:
Most American women are already very self-conscious about their weight and physical appearance.
Well, there's the rub. Why can a man not call his wife on the carpet for gaining weight which she could easily lose if she wanted to, or that she never should have gained to start with? Why can a woman berate a man for doing things that get him thrice passed up for a promotion at work, but when she's been bulky for 12 of the best years of her life, the slightest mention of it calls for crucifixes and holy water?
-Ross
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 1:06:14 AM
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mariamaria
Posts: 199
Joined: 2/28/2007
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All the changes you mentioned apart from weight gain are very important issues, a change in personality are real issues as you married (I hope ) a person more for who they are then what they look like. Even the bible states that beauty is not of great importance. When personality changes that's tough to live with, let's say my hubby decided to walk away from Christ, now that would be tough to live with as I could no longer share that part of my life with him.
we as christian should not take on this worldly attitude , we should think differently and yet we too get sucked into this pressure of having to look thin, look good ect.
In my 14 years together with hubby I have gained weight, I have been obese, I have always had eating problems and have always looked for help with this but I keep failing. My husband has not once complained and he's a fitness instructor!!!! My husband loves me for me, not my shape. He has great respect for the person I am and is able to look further then the skin. Obviously he worries for me health and tries to help me if I feel I need his help but not once has he ever made any remarks because he is mature enough to know what really matters and I find that that is a true sign of love. This also applies to my hubby, if he gained weight, I really wouldn't care, I love him, full stop.
So I say stop being superficial and look deeper and let's not do as the rest of the world does, let's actually for once look at this from a christian, loving point of view because there is too much pressure out there already!
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 1:39:52 AM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 710
Joined: 12/6/2007
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I think the OP raises a terrific question! As a woman who has borne 3 children(one deceased)yes, my body is not that of a 20 year old, but I want to FIRST look good to myself when I look in the mirror and then I want to look good to my husband. I certainly want to be attracted to him. Does attraction include things other than physique? Well, of course it does! What's unattractive to me, is an attitude of "love me as I am even if I don't love me enough to do the things that I can do to keep myself, not only healthy, but-----attractive"!! Beauty is in the eye...true! So, if your spouse, lovingly suggests that they would appreciate your getting fit, what's wrong with that? If they like it as it is...what's wrong with that?!?!
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 4:56:15 AM
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HisLamb26
Posts: 369
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I've also borne 3 children, eat healthy, go to the gym regularly and am succesfully maintaining a size 6. I'm in my mid 40's and folks are usually shocked when they find out how old I am.
So while I would agree that middle aged spread is not inevitable-if the motivation to get or stay fit doesn't come from within-most won't be successfull in their endeavors over the long term. I go to the gym regularly because I LIKE to go the gym. I weight train, swim, walk and use cardio machines because I truly enjoy staying active. It's as simple as that. I eat healthy because I want to stay healthy for as long as possible. Sure-I started a fitness journey initially because I wanted to nip middle aged spread in the bud....but I stuck with it because I truly enjoy it.
"Looking good for my age" is certainly a nice side benefit, but IF MY ONLY MOTIVATION was looking good because my husband (who has never had his body subjected to pregnancy, nursing, and child birth) was displeased I didn't have the body of the 18yr old that initially caught his eye....I not only would have resented his shallowness, I doubt that shallowness would have kept me motivated years later.
_____________________________
Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. ~Pat Robertson
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 7:32:43 AM
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stonek
Posts: 112
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ross.Lang
Why then is it so crazy to say to someone who is 35 or under, and has begun to participate in eating and leisure habits resulting in rapid weight gain, "I know you won't have health problems yet, since you've only been heavy ten months, but you really look bad and there's no excuse for it. Hit the gym!"?
Go ahead and do it, let us know how it works.
a) A partner gaining weight and being concerned for their health would lead to requesting walks, swimming, other activities and cooking healthy together.
b) A partner gaining weight and being selfish comparing them to media standards of perfection would result in demands for them to lose, insults and treating them as less unless they meet your standards of appearance.
A or B, there is a difference.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 8:25:59 AM
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Ross.Lang
Posts: 453
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quote:
you married (I hope ) a person more for who they are then what they look like.
Here again, is what I'm talking about. Think of the sense this makes, not over a lifetime, when people are expected to become white-haired, or wrinkled, but over a short time, say within 5-10 years of marriage. How is a person not what they look like? How is that not a significant defining factor in who they are? You do know, of course, that if you came home looking like a 6'5" Hispanic woman (which I assume you're not) your husband would never believe it was you, no matter how much you tried to convince him. Your looks are just as significant a part of who you are as your voice or personality. This is Platonism, pure and simple.
And, this is EXACTLY what I was talking about. Why does this get a pass? Why does nothing else get a pass like this? Why is a woman more than her weight, but a man is not more than his cigarette addiction, his frivolous spending, his low employment prospects, etc. etc.? I think there's a real lopsidedness here in Christian thought.
quote:
Go ahead and do it, let us know how it works.
As I stated, this is a hypothetical issue, so I really can't. However, this does sound a lot like what mothers of my wife's failing students say, or what mothers of children who never come to church say. "They're just impossible, go ahead and try to change them, but you won't like it!" Just because the people who are in this situation would have a tantrum if someone said it, doesn't change the fact that they could could change if they really tried.
_Ross
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 8:39:24 AM
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zoebob
Posts: 7998
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From: land of limbo
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I've been reading and thinking about this and I think I came to some answers.
If a person suddenly stops acting like they were before they married and thus gains weight because of a change in CHARACTER this is a problem and needs to be addressed.
HOWEVER, in many women they will be a size X as a teen/young woman without any real effort they eat what they feel like, and their activity is just a part of their life. Their weight and clothing size wasn't somethg they thought about or were concerned about. They were content with who they were and didn't stress themselves over it. As we grow older, have children, etc our bodies change though. We keep eating what we feel like (or have time for) and spend our days chasing kids, running them to activities, up in the night taking care of them, etc. Our bodies and metabolism changes and we gain weight. Not because we've gotten lazy or suddenly changed the way we do things...just because our biology changes. If we didn't constantly watch what we ate, go to the gym 5X a week, etc when we were single and aren't doing it now we haven't really changed our CHARACTER. However, we may be busier so we end up eating fast food/convenience foods instead of going home to mom's cooking or coming home to our singles apartment and making something in our leisure. It's not that we are suddenly getting lazy and sitting around eating bon-bons all day.
I think that most of the time it's this kind of scenerio that husbands look at and say "Oh you aren't my size 2 trophy wife anymore" and are repulsed.
The wife's character didn't change. She is still the same person.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 9:00:09 AM
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his_chosen
Posts: 1277
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I really do get it that as we age things change. I have four kids. I'm thicker around the middle and gravity isnt' always a good thing! My hair is starting to turn grey and I have wrinkles. BUT, about six years ago I stepped ont he scale and realized I was about 20lbs overweight. All the women in my family are at least 50lbs overweight by age 40. I was still in my 30's. I decided I didn't want to go down that road. Within a few months, I lost the weight. I did it for me.
I have a therapy dog and we visit nursing homes/rehab centers. I see many, many obese men recovering from heart attacks, joint replacement, etc. Most of them do go home. But, there are a fair number of them receiving hospice care. By their bedside is their wife. She's still young. She may not be at an ideal weight, but she's active and in reasonably good health. Way too young to be a widow. Every time I see this, it hits home that one day, this will be me.
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 9:17:12 AM
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coolfamily6
Posts: 622
Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:
quote:
Most American women are already very self-conscious about their weight and physical appearance.
Well, there's the rub. Why can a man not call his wife on the carpet for gaining weight which she could easily lose if she wanted to, or that she never should have gained to start with?
Bolding mine. Do you realize this is a statement that is possibly incorrect. Don't know how old your wife is but some of the weight gain and lack of ability to lose could by the way GOD created women's bodies. The list of menopausal symptoms include the following: fatigue, cravings for sweets and carbs, weight gain. (from womentowomen.com)
Easily lose if she wanted to is your opinion. The real fact is it is hard for women to lose the weight they gained during pregnancy/childbaring years. The onset of pre-menopause which can begin in the mid 30's only makes this harder. A man can cut out their evening bowl of ice cream or soda and lose 10 lbs in a week or two but a woman will struggle with those 10 lbs for 2 months unless she jumps on a fad diet; then the loss will possibly be temporary.
I was 102 #'s on my wedding day, I am now 118 #'s at 5'1" and 40 yrs old that is the lower end of my healthy range. My highest weight was 166 #'s. At 35, I lost 30 lbs but gained back 15. I was 38 years old feeling horrible physically and decided to do Weight Watchers but told DH that he had to help by not eating tempting foods and support me. He did, it took me 7 months to lost 25#'s. DH rode bikes with me going from one mile in the beginning to 14 currently. He cheered me on and never let me give up. He complimented me even when I was lbs heavier than when we met. He loved me enough to encourage me not tear me down.
_____________________________
If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 9:39:15 AM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10985
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
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quote:
If your spouse came home with a facial tattoo and six lip rings, because they "felt like it" would you be ok with that? If your wife or husband came home and had shaved their head completely bare without consulting you, would you be ok with that? What if it reaaaally made them happy? Why then is it so crazy to say to someone who is 35 or under, and has begun to participate in eating and leisure habits resulting in rapid weight gain, "I know you won't have health problems yet, since you've only been heavy ten months, but you really look bad and there's no excuse for it. Hit the gym!"? Again, consider my initial examples- why can a woman complain about emotional withdraw, income level, time with the kids, etc. etc., but a man can't complain about a woman's weight unless her health is at stake?
Part of it is if you attack the body, you're attacking the person. You're saying that that person isn't good enough anymore. The head shaved, piercings, etc. are surface and not part of the person's identity and self worth. But our bodies themselves and their shape are a part of who we are.
Cigarettes, buying a car, etc. are not interwoven with someone's identity.
To tell someone their body is repulsive or not pleasing to us anymore is to imply that they AS A PERSON are no longer pleasing to us.
GRANTED, someone having sudden and intentional weight gain (i.e. suddenly sitting on the couch all day and eating pints of ice cream at a time) does deserve a talking-to. However, this case is quite abnormal and probably requires some screening to rule out depression.
I don't know how much I weighed when I got married 3.5 years ago, but I did gain. January 2008 I decided enough was enough, and I started to watch what I ate and joined the gym. I've lost 60 lbs, 10 more to go. It had nothing to do with my husband's harping on me; it was all self-motivated. (Hubby is 6'2" and 180 soaking wet, even with eating a lot, so I get very little help from that quarter.)
There IS middle-age spread that is pretty common, and a husband should accept that. However, a sudden weight gain due to an obvious change of habit may suggest the husband offer encouragement to his wife to change habits and stop the growing trend (pun intended).
_____________________________
LibriVox: acoustical liberation of books in the public domain
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 10:13:12 AM
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becomingwhole
Posts: 29
Joined: 7/18/2005
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Ross.Lang
I think the bigger issue here is do you have the right to judge her, on any matter of issues. I think we can p loving point out a weakness we see in our love ones, but ultimately it is left to the savior and our Daddy God to decide how wrong we are, or aren't in our lives. You can tell someone that they can't get a tattoo, or need to read more, or not be the same person you once met, but you are not their Lord, and to me it becomes a control issue.
Thank God he loves us with grace, which means there are no bounds to that love. Husbands are told to love their wives as Christ has loved the church, yes he told the church to shape up, and then died for that church. He knew we couldn't shape up because we are flesh, so instead he allowed his flesh to be destroyed.
People keep brining up health, but even in that it has to be someone’s choice. If we could make people around us be what we desire by making them stay the same or change, then how are we living out God's commands on showing his love?
My marriage has been through much. I remarried my xdh. Before the divorce, he shaved his head, began drinking (which I have no problem with but he had not done in 10 yrs. of marriage), started smoking, and through all that I begged, cried, talked of what I needed, and helped in driving him further away.
Now we are remarried, and he no longer smokes, still drinks, but what I learned is I am not his holy spirit. Marriage is hard sometimes, and if any us want to pick it apart with reasons why we are justified to feel certain ways, then we are not learning to love as Christ intended. I truly believe marriage is so we learn to give of ourselves, love with everything, even to the point of our own fleshly desires being destroyed.
Beomingwhloe
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 10:52:27 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1367
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Beth67
A few weeks ago, my Christian husband called me, and I quote, "repulsive".
Oh Beth how awful for you. That must have hurt so much.Anyone who says anything like that to their spouse is extreemly cruel.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 1:25:41 PM
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smiley7
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That's terribly cruel Beth & it is not something that you should let slide. A quiet, controlled confrontation is needed here. I would suggest that you pray and reaffirm to you are more precious than Rubies to build yourself up and believe in God's opinion of you over and above anyone else. Than I would confront him and let him know that his words are completely unacceptable!
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 1:39:27 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 687
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ta_mosquito
quote:
If your spouse came home with a facial tattoo and six lip rings, because they "felt like it" would you be ok with that? If your wife or husband came home and had shaved their head completely bare without consulting you, would you be ok with that? What if it reaaaally made them happy? Why then is it so crazy to say to someone who is 35 or under, and has begun to participate in eating and leisure habits resulting in rapid weight gain, "I know you won't have health problems yet, since you've only been heavy ten months, but you really look bad and there's no excuse for it. Hit the gym!"? Again, consider my initial examples- why can a woman complain about emotional withdraw, income level, time with the kids, etc. etc., but a man can't complain about a woman's weight unless her health is at stake?
Part of it is if you attack the body, you're attacking the person. You're saying that that person isn't good enough anymore. The head shaved, piercings, etc. are surface and not part of the person's identity and self worth. But our bodies themselves and their shape are a part of who we are.
Cigarettes, buying a car, etc. are not interwoven with someone's identity.
To tell someone their body is repulsive or not pleasing to us anymore is to imply that they AS A PERSON are no longer pleasing to us.
GRANTED, someone having sudden and intentional weight gain (i.e. suddenly sitting on the couch all day and eating pints of ice cream at a time) does deserve a talking-to. However, this case is quite abnormal and probably requires some screening to rule out depression.
Exactly. There's a big difference between losing weight and getting piercings/shaving the head. Those things are easily changed whereas losing weight can be extremely difficult or nearly impossible depending on the individual.
And like someone else said, you are ASSUMING that losing the weight would be easy.
Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to be healthy and look good for your spouse. I exercise, eat healthy, dress nicely, fix my hair and makeup etc. I care about what I look like and wouldn't appreciate it if my husband didn't take care of himself as well. But to have the attitude that he's gained 20 lbs. and now I don't want to sleep with him is a really selfish, self-serving attitude.
My husband has lost his hair (well, not ALL of it..yet  ) and his physique has changed since we first met in college 13+ yrs. ago. He now has a little bit of a belly (not much) and no longer looks like a bodybuilder. BUT I think he's MORE attractive than he used to be. IMO he's gotten better looking with age. I look forward to the changes that life brings. It would be pretty boring if we all stayed the same.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 1:46:56 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1777
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Beth
You need to educate your husband on how to treat you. Honestly sometimes guys can be clueless. My sister's and my mother taught me how to treat women with respect and I have always told my daughter's it's up to you to show your husband how you need to be treated.
You do have God given power to help him learn. I guess the question is do you want to spend the time and energy it takes to see results?
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 3:00:43 PM
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myka
Posts: 991
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quote:
Well, there's the rub. Why can a man not call his wife on the carpet for gaining weight which she could easily lose if she wanted to, or that she never should have gained to start with? Why can a woman berate a man for doing things that get him thrice passed up for a promotion at work, but when she's been bulky for 12 of the best years of her life, the slightest mention of it calls for crucifixes and holy water?
Okay, first of all, a woman should not berate a man for his work either.
I'm getting the sense that it is more an issue that is gender related. So, would it be okay if a woman were to tell her husband that he needed to lose weight and/or start exercising? (I think we need to compare apples to apples here)
Most people, both men and women, are insecure already about their physical appearance; and when a spouse mentions that they are not as attracted as they once were, it can be taken as a threat of that spouse finding someone more attractive than their spouse.
The truth is that women's weight naturally fluctuates (sometimes more than others), and women tend to put on weight fairly easily and it isn't so easily taken off. Now, if the weight gain is sudden, there is likely a medical problem -- several conditions can lead to weight gain, and it really should be discussed with a physician.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 3:56:06 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 3217
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
HOWEVER, in many women they will be a size X as a teen/young woman without any real effort they eat what they feel like, and their activity is just a part of their life. Their weight and clothing size wasn't somethg they thought about or were concerned about. They were content with who they were and didn't stress themselves over it. As we grow older, have children, etc our bodies change though. We keep eating what we feel like (or have time for) and spend our days chasing kids, running them to activities, up in the night taking care of them, etc. Our bodies and metabolism changes and we gain weight. Not because we've gotten lazy or suddenly changed the way we do things...just because our biology changes. If we didn't constantly watch what we ate, go to the gym 5X a week, etc when we were single and aren't doing it now we haven't really changed our CHARACTER. However, we may be busier so we end up eating fast food/convenience foods instead of going home to mom's cooking or coming home to our singles apartment and making something in our leisure. It's not that we are suddenly getting lazy and sitting around eating bon-bons all day.
Yup, your talking about me  I was under 135lbs when we got married, I'm not sitting at just over 150lbs, but I'm 5'7 so I was technically underweight initially. So really, it would be completely unrealistic for my husband to expect me to stay underweight for the next 50 years. Just like I wouldn't expect him to stay the exact same until we die.
Also, I think that you have to consider that slender=beauty, because that, IMO, is a farce created by hollywood and the media. Fortunately for me I have a husband, and extended family who feel the same way. We very much value athleticism, but our focus is on sports no so much being slender.
_____________________________
Ryanne- trying hard to be my husband's girlfriend and my daughter's mother.
I'll keep my guns, freedom, and money- you can keep "the change."
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 4:20:15 PM
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TXRedhead
Posts: 143
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To me, the most appropriate way of addressing such an issue is to address the cause, not the symptom. A person gaining weight isn't the issue that needs to be addressed; whatever it is that they are doing too much of [overeating] or too little of [reasonable amount/type of exercise] does need to be addressed. Of course, if, when looking at the cause, one finds issues that are beyond the person's reasonable control, then the issue should be dropped. However, if the weight can be reasonably controlled and brought down, then they should be encouraged to do so by targeting the things they are doing that aren't godly. Overeating is, essentially, making an idol of food and laziness. Sitting/lying around all day is sloth. Both are sins that need to be addressed in love.
I will add that I think this is true of any issue one has with a spouse. You've assumed that all of us here think it would be perfectly OK for a woman to berate her husband for his failings but somehow unwilling/unable to handle the same treatment for something such as a weight problem. I don't personally agree with that idea at all. If her husband's spending money frivolously, a good spouse will look hard at why and address the cause, not the symptom.
In all cases and across genders, if an ungodly choice is resulting in problems in the marriage, either spouse should feel like they can, in love, address that issue with the other and not be called to the curb for doing so. I might also add that all of these situations are most easily dealt with if spouses work out a game plan they are both on [whether it's a monetary budget or exercise program] so they can encourage one another to get out of bad habits and start forming some good ones.
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 4:29:30 PM
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dboe
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I think thats why I was always attracted to overweight men... the jocks were always a turn off because I figured they might always have a bone to pick with me if I didn't stay skinny forever... I am thinking it will be vitrually impossible for my current husband to ever have a problem with my weight since it would be "pot calling the kettle black" situation... I honestly think some men have higher preferences for physical attraction in women and those are those jock type guys who I always made a point to avoid like the plague... but for the record... why do women gain weight and why do they give you problems about you when you have issue with it? Because... as women, we gain weight to have your babies (some of us), we do your friggin laundry, do your dishes, clean your house, and have hormone problems caused by the baby you impregnanted us with... and then you complain that we gained weight... well maybe we wouldn't if we had TIME to exercise, btu we don't because we have to do all this junk for you guys and you don't always pitch in. SO here's a thought... start doing the housework and allow her to go for a nice walk once in a while... take care of the kids for her... than she might have time to exercise... not to go off on you but really, thesee are the reasons and yes, this is why people think you are evil for thinking this. Now, if you already do most of the housework, she doesn't work outside the home, then I feel sorry for you and I take it all back, really... but otherwise, I think I am right.... (and also glad right now that I am married to an overweight man :)
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 7:18:48 PM
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HisLamb26
Posts: 369
Joined: 4/17/2005
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quote:
HOWEVER, in many women they will be a size X as a teen/young woman without any real effort they eat what they feel like, and their activity is just a part of their life. Their weight and clothing size wasn't somethg they thought about or were concerned about. They were content with who they were and didn't stress themselves over it. As we grow older, have children, etc our bodies change though. We keep eating what we feel like (or have time for) and spend our days chasing kids, running them to activities, up in the night taking care of them, etc. Our bodies and metabolism changes and we gain weight. Not because we've gotten lazy or suddenly changed the way we do things...just because our biology changes. If we didn't constantly watch what we ate, go to the gym 5X a week, etc when we were single and aren't doing it now we haven't really changed our CHARACTER. However, we may be busier so we end up eating fast food/convenience foods instead of going home to mom's cooking or coming home to our singles apartment and making something in our leisure. It's not that we are suddenly getting lazy and sitting around eating bon-bons all day.
Zoebob nails it! I was just thinking the same thing this week while I was sweating my butt off @ the gym. I never had to put effort into weight management as a young woman. I was one of those lucky naturally thin ectomorphic body types. I could eat Ring Dings all day, and never had to worry about my weight...ever. I never gave it a second thought. When my kids were babies I was active with them as far as walking them in the stroller, and running around the playground-but "casual" exercise was just not enough to keep my weight in check as I entered mid life. Add in my quitting smoking.......and bingo-no more size 3s! LOL.
I think that most of the time it's this kind of scenerio that husbands look at and say "Oh you aren't my size 2 trophy wife anymore" and are repulsed.
My husband never once commented on my weight. When I joined the gym he was supportive-but he still rolls his eyes when I say "when I was overweight" or "when I was starting to get fat". While he is certainly pleased with the results of my nutrition and training program-he never once made me feel "less than" because I wasn't a Size 3 anymore. Any man that felt he had a right to demand I join a gym because I had gained 30lbs since marriage (after birthing his 3 kids) would have been unworthy of my attentions to begin with.
The wife's character didn't change. She is still the same person.
Bingo.
My husband has a a bit of a pot belly now-has lost some significant hair, and still smokes. But he is still the same person I married, and after spending more than 1/2 my life with him-I can't imagine expecting him to remain that motorcycle riding 24yr. old stud in black leather.
_____________________________
Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. ~Pat Robertson
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 7:22:16 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10985
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TXRedhead
To me, the most appropriate way of addressing such an issue is to address the cause, not the symptom. A person gaining weight isn't the issue that needs to be addressed; whatever it is that they are doing too much of [overeating] or too little of [reasonable amount/type of exercise] does need to be addressed. Of course, if, when looking at the cause, one finds issues that are beyond the person's reasonable control, then the issue should be dropped. However, if the weight can be reasonably controlled and brought down, then they should be encouraged to do so by targeting the things they are doing that aren't godly. Overeating is, essentially, making an idol of food and laziness. Sitting/lying around all day is sloth. Both are sins that need to be addressed in love.
I will add that I think this is true of any issue one has with a spouse. You've assumed that all of us here think it would be perfectly OK for a woman to berate her husband for his failings but somehow unwilling/unable to handle the same treatment for something such as a weight problem. I don't personally agree with that idea at all. If her husband's spending money frivolously, a good spouse will look hard at why and address the cause, not the symptom.
In all cases and across genders, if an ungodly choice is resulting in problems in the marriage, either spouse should feel like they can, in love, address that issue with the other and not be called to the curb for doing so. I might also add that all of these situations are most easily dealt with if spouses work out a game plan they are both on [whether it's a monetary budget or exercise program] so they can encourage one another to get out of bad habits and start forming some good ones.
I agree with this entire post. The entire first paragraph here is spot on. I've highlighted the parts I especially agree with (besides the entire first paragraph). 
_____________________________
LibriVox: acoustical liberation of books in the public domain
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RE: Why does weight get the shaft? - 5/23/2009 7:28:55 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1278
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Hi Ross, I don't think it should be about weight, but health. I am a 45 year old female and I look around at the women in my life who are the same age, but don't take care of themselves. They smoke, eat poor foods and are overweight and ALL of them are in the hospital or having medical problems at late 40's early 50's. Ladies!! Please take care of yourselves NOW!! Don't think I'll stop smoking, lose weight, eat better later, b/c later won't come. Don't end up with cancer, diabetes, and other problems that you can now stop!! Don't think if you are 30 pounds or more overweight and it won't affect you in the future. IT WILL!!!! Keep yourself healthy NOW!!
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ross.Lang
After having a couple of conversations with friends about marriage and the life long relationship it entails, I noticed a trend I wanted input on. Why is it that in Christian circles, physical appearance receives such a marginalized and contemptible role in a relationship? Many women, when hearing that a friend's husband is having difficulty having sex with the friend after she gained 40 pounds, treat the friend's husband like he's possessed by Satan and needs to see at least a therapist, if not an exorcist, and repent right away.
Why?
I mean, our culture is super saturated with unrealistic images of women and men. I get that... every time I look in the mirror... I understand. However, no other area of relationships works this way. I'm a professional theologian, and for my work, I read about 130 books a year. If my brilliant wife suddenly started to spend her nights watching reality TV, reading People magazine, and chatting endlessly about the stuff on Perez Hilton's blog, few Christians would say that, having married a brilliant literature professor, this sudden turn of events would not justly be met by telling my wife (in kind words, of course) that she had made herself boring and socially repugnant, please knuckle down and change back to the way you were. Why is it that if we marry someone who's a passionate Christian and they fade into a disinterested agnostic, we can complain and try to change them back, if we marry an intellectual superstar and they morph into a media-consuming lobotomy patient we can complain and try to change them back, and if we marry someone who is hard working and a provider and they become lazy and needy we can complain and try to change them back, but if we marry someone who cares for their body and is in good shape, who then balloons to a massive size later, we're expected to say "we love you just the way you are, any body type you have is fine by me"?
Why is weight treated like something over which we have no control, and why is it taboo to tell your spouse that they looked better before they were drinking two 32 ounce iced lattes and eating a pint of ice cream every day? Why can our spouses only be counted on to be pushed, and push us, into holiness and a good work ethic, and not into a regular routine of exercise that leads to a strong and healthy body?
-Ross
PS: This question is purely hypothetical, I'm not trying to justify an attack on anyone with a weight problem.
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