Why does weight get the shaft? (Full Version)

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Ross.Lang -> Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 1:10:03 AM)

After having a couple of conversations with friends about marriage and the life long relationship it entails, I noticed a trend I wanted input on. Why is it that in Christian circles, physical appearance receives such a marginalized and contemptible role in a relationship? Many women, when hearing that a friend's husband is having difficulty having sex with the friend after she gained 40 pounds, treat the friend's husband like he's possessed by Satan and needs to see at least a therapist, if not an exorcist, and repent right away.

Why?

I mean, our culture is super saturated with unrealistic images of women and men. I get that... every time I look in the mirror... I understand. However, no other area of relationships works this way. I'm a professional theologian, and for my work, I read about 130 books a year. If my brilliant wife suddenly started to spend her nights watching reality TV, reading People magazine, and chatting endlessly about the stuff on Perez Hilton's blog, few Christians would say that, having married a brilliant literature professor, this sudden turn of events would not justly be met by telling my wife (in kind words, of course) that she had made herself boring and socially repugnant, please knuckle down and change back to the way you were. Why is it that if we marry someone who's a passionate Christian and they fade into a disinterested agnostic, we can complain and try to change them back, if we marry an intellectual superstar and they morph into a media-consuming lobotomy patient we can complain and try to change them back, and if we marry someone who is hard working and a provider and they become lazy and needy we can complain and try to change them back, but if we marry someone who cares for their body and is in good shape, who then balloons to a massive size later, we're expected to say "we love you just the way you are, any body type you have is fine by me"?

Why is weight treated like something over which we have no control, and why is it taboo to tell your spouse that they looked better before they were drinking two 32 ounce iced lattes and eating a pint of ice cream every day? Why can our spouses only be counted on to be pushed, and push us, into holiness and a good work ethic, and not into a regular routine of exercise that leads to a strong and healthy body?

-Ross

PS: This question is purely hypothetical, I'm not trying to justify an attack on anyone with a weight problem.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 4:36:54 AM)

quote:

Why is weight treated like something over which we have no control, and why is it taboo to tell your spouse that they looked better before they were drinking two 32 ounce iced lattes and eating a pint of ice cream every day?


That shouldn't be taboo.

Health is good. But not everybody who has healthy behaviors is going to look like a model. My skinny brother can and does regularly eat a whole pizza himself and stay skinny. I can eat vegan, exercise every day, and stay fat--and yes, I've tried that. [;)] Pregnancy and nursing hormonal craziness have made it all the more difficult. I exercise daily and most days hike with my kids as well. I eat a perfectly reasonable diet which does *not* include ice cream or McD's, but is more along the lines of rice and beans wraps, lentil soup, and stir fry. Most American men would still probably consider me disgusting because of my weight. [8|]

Fortunately for me, my dh thought that when I was 160 lb (I was seriously ill) I was a bit on the "skinny" side. [8D] His perspective wasn't formed by American media brainwashing but by seeing people starving to death. Bones showing is disturbing to him. [&:]



Ross.Lang -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 4:46:18 AM)

Ah yes, marrying a missionary to Africa (or someone who is from Africa or West-Central Asia) would certainly do wonders in this department. Great response, and I understand the first part too. My mom never slimmed down after having me, and despite it taking nearly 30 years after my Dad left the army for him to put on any noticeable weight, next year, my parents are celebrating the big 4-0.

-Ross



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 4:49:15 AM)

quote:

Ah yes, marrying a missionary to Africa (or someone who is from Africa or West-Central Asia) would certainly do wonders in this department.


[8D]

Just to be clear, I do agree with you that husband aren't monsters for expressing concern over their wife's health. Just that sometimes "health" and "what the magazine tells me is healthy" aren't quiet the same thing. [;)]



Hislittleone -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 5:07:39 AM)

quote:

Many women, when hearing that a friend's husband is having difficulty having sex with the friend after she gained 40 pounds, treat the friend's husband like he's possessed by Satan and needs to see at least a therapist, if not an exorcist, and repent right away.


I think that the root of such an attitude is selfishness. The person is more concerned with what they want/need from their spouse in the bedroom than with what their spouse wants/needs. JMHO.

We all change as we age. Our likes/dislikes, personalities, physical appearance etc. will change over time. If someone can't handle change in a spouse then maybe they shouldn't get married. [&:]

Now all of that is not to say that if someone is very concerned about their spouse's health because of weight gain that they can't talk about it. But that's entirely different than being concerned with the fact that they just don't look like they did when you married them 15 years ago.



Sideways -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 6:33:56 AM)

Guess my husband is one of those "possessed by Satan" types. [8D] A few years after our marriage he did talk with me about the fact that I'd gained 20lbs. He was gentle and loving, but certain things had to be said. And guess what... I ate healthier, started exercising and lost a good bit of that weight.

Oh, what an evil man he was. [8D] Now I've just had two children and I'm nursing. A formal exercise program is a bit harder to come by, but he's encouraging me. He tries to work out and eat healthy, too.



42servehymn -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 11:14:34 AM)

I think the reason most women get so offended by husbands being upset with extra weight stems from the fact that women are not as visually stimulated as men and have a really hard time understanding that mindset. I love my husband for who he is and not how he looks. That is very easy for me to do. But it is not fair of me to expect him to think like I do. Now if a husband became emotionally distant after getting married (and some do) women would think that was wrong. If they complained about that no one would call them wrong or self centered for feeling that way. I hope that makes sense.



Qtman -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 11:39:26 AM)

This issue always fascinates me. When I got married 35 years ago I wore a 38 Reg. coat with w. 29" l. 31" pants. Now I wear a 42 Reg. coat with pants w. 36" l. 31". 35 years ago I had a head full of black hair now it contains a lot of gray and is also thinning. In short my appearance has changed also. I am very active and until a few years ago I was actively involved in the martial arts. I can still stand on one foot and put the other foot in the face of a man over six feet tall. I go to the doctor on average of once a year and then only for a physical. So I am pretty healthy.

My wife has changed a lot also she is no longer the 105 pound girl I married. So What.

Unfortunately for most of us, we change as we age. We sag a little here and there. Our waist line may expand a little. Get over it.

Now if someones weight gain becomes a health issue then it should be addressed in a loving way. However, if it all boils down to the fact that the spouse is no longer eye candy and arm decorations then just leave it alone. It is all part of life and aging.



becomingwhole -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 1:05:40 PM)

This is an issue close to my heart. My first diet my parents put me on when I was 6. I have struggled my whole life with weight. I was active as a child I was in gymnastics, softball, basketball, and cheerleading, and still managed to be 15lbs. overweight. I would eat ice chips when my friends had ice cream. It was not until two years ago when a doctor began working with me and explained, that I am one of those that is truly insulin resistant. Since that time I have lost 40 lbs. I still have 30 to go, and when I tell you I eat healthier then most I know it would not be a lie.
My issue with this train of thought about wives with weight is that it usually it is a double standard. Many of the men I know are not slim, but expect their wives to be. When my dh and I were first married he gained twenty pounds in the first year, and you know what I heard people say, "Oh that means he is happy", but if it is a woman that gained it I hear people say, "Oh she must be depressed, or she is not happy."
There seems to be two standards, woman must maintain their appearance for their men, but men lose hair, gain weight, and its okay because after all women aren't visual creatures.
That is my issue with this line of thinking.
Becomingwhole



42servehymn -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 1:08:51 PM)

My husband made a DVD for me for our 25th wedding anniversary. We have shown it to other people and they always comment on his hair loss over the years. I really am not trying to be noble but I must say that when I see old pictures of him I just see my Dave not my Dave when he had hair or my Dave when he was thin. I think that is how Christ sees us. He sees right past any less desirable aspects and sees our soul. It is one of the best benefits of being married a long time



his_chosen -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 1:19:55 PM)

Flip side here--I am at a reasonable weight and quite active. My husband is obese and unable to do much. Both of his parents died of heart disease. He was diagnosed with heart disease five years ago. He also has a bad back. He refuses to do anything to improve his health. My grandparents were married for 68 years when Grandpa died at the age of 90yo. I always assumed I would have a long and happy marriage. At this point, it's doubtful that my husband will live to age 68.



stateofgrace -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 2:18:31 PM)

We all do change as we age. I could not defend from a biblical perspective ceasing to love my husband because he's lost his hair and gained weight. Does that mean he's less physically "attractive" than when he was young? Yes. So am I. Hubby grants me grace on this issue and I grant him grace.

That doesn't mean you have to take a pass on bringing up health related issues, but make sure that your concern is focused on your spouse's well being. If your thoughts are along the lines of "I deserve better" you're focused on yourself, not what is best for your spouse.

PS...there are medical conditions that cause weight gain and make people resistant to weight loss, for example hypothyroidism affects about 20% of women and 10% of men, and I read just today that about half the cases may go undiagnosed.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 6:41:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Qtman

This issue always fascinates me. When I got married 35 years ago I wore a 38 Reg. coat with w. 29" l. 31" pants. Now I wear a 42 Reg. coat with pants w. 36" l. 31". 35 years ago I had a head full of black hair now it contains a lot of gray and is also thinning. In short my appearance has changed also. I am very active and until a few years ago I was actively involved in the martial arts. I can still stand on one foot and put the other foot in the face of a man over six feet tall. I go to the doctor on average of once a year and then only for a physical. So I am pretty healthy.

My wife has changed a lot also she is no longer the 105 pound girl I married. So What.

Unfortunately for most of us, we change as we age. We sag a little here and there. Our waist line may expand a little. Get over it.

Now if someones weight gain becomes a health issue then it should be addressed in a loving way. However, if it all boils down to the fact that the spouse is no longer eye candy and arm decorations then just leave it alone. It is all part of life and aging.


Totally agree with this. We all change as we get older. Whether that is putting on weight, loosing our hair, getting wrinkles, going grey, etc etc. Getting older and changing will always happen. None of us will ever look like the stick thin models that we see every day( and who actually wants to anyway???) .
My husbands ex wife was OBSESSIVE about her weight and used to get get really stressed if she so much as put on 1 or 2 lbs. We have been told that since she divorced him 4 years ago, she has become almost anoexoric and is like a stick and so thin that she is really unnattractive now so it can go both ways. He does likes slim women but he also knows that there is a healthy balance.
We all need to be loved and accepted as we are and not as our spouses think that we should be.
I am all for healthy exercise and eating well. Hubby and I are in our early 50s and go to the gym and swimming 3-4 times a week, walk the dog and eat very healthily but still I struggle to maintain the same weight (I am not fat but average sized)

. Nagging makes things worse, if anyone is troubled by their spouses weight then love them and pray for them.



Mollymouser -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 7:17:26 PM)

I was fat n' feisty when I got married.

I'm still fat n' feisty.

And my wonderful DH still loves me.

But he doesn't read 130 books a year, and he isn't a theologian.

[sm=funny.gif]



buckifn -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 8:03:07 PM)

If a person told me they are even thinking of telling their spouse they are "repugnant" I would invite them over- lock them in my study room with a Bible and refuse to let them out until they have spent at least a day praying for God to teach them what love means, what Scripture teachs us about God's love for us, His church, and how we are to love our wives as Christ loves His church.


My first wife was in outstanding physical condition, weight and height totally proportionate, active, and went in the hospital for a simple procedure and came out 2 hours later dead. Even if I had not had that exp. I don't think I would have any problem knowing love has absolutely nothing to do with a person's weight.

Because I KNOW what love is that is why I would never say something like that. Love is more likely to help me spend hours by my spouses side wiping her face with a cold towel after chemo than complaining she ate a pint of ice cream.



Qtman -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 8:48:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

If a person told me they are even thinking of telling their spouse they are "repugnant" I would invite them over- lock them in my study room with a Bible and refuse to let them out until they have spent at least a day praying for God to teach them what love means, what Scripture teachs us about God's love for us, His church, and how we are to love our wives as Christ loves His church.


My first wife was in outstanding physical condition, weight and height totally proportionate, active, and went in the hospital for a simple procedure and came out 2 hours later dead. Even if I had not had that exp. I don't think I would have any problem knowing love has absolutely nothing to do with a person's weight.

Because I KNOW what love is that is why I would never say something like that. Love is more likely to help me spend hours by my spouses side wiping her face with a cold towel after chemo than complaining she ate a pint of ice cream.


Amen brother Amen.



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 9:28:48 PM)

Hm. I'm glad I have my hubby, who has told me more then once that he appreciates and likes my curves. I'm not a stick(anymore) and I'm about 20lbs heavier then I was when we got married 3 years ago, but he loves me and finds me even more attractive then he did then. Unless my weight were to become a health issue I doubt he would say much.

I have complained about my weight before, and he has made gentle comments like "well, maybe it's time to do some self tailoring." He is always supportive of me though, and hasn't ever said it on his own.

Our physical body changes as we age, our skin sags, we get wrinkles, our metabolism slows and we gain weight. My husbands body is not why I married him, it's a very small part of my attraction to him.



his_chosen -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 9:51:36 PM)

But what about when one's weight DOES become a health issue? My husband WILL have a heart attack, it's just a matter of when. I am very sad knowing that we will never grow old together. And that the kids won't have their father. It's not what he looks like. It's the fact that he's unhealthy.



Mrs.Wifey -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 10:10:52 PM)

Well, I'm already Insulin Resistant and come from a long line of family member with diabetes so I think DH would probably say something when I was 20 or so lbs overweight, or if I was having health issues. Fortunately for him I take my health pretty seriously, I have a lot of things I want to be around for and letting myself go won't aid in that...

In DH's case I would say something if he was starting to get a little pot belly, or if he was really letting himself go and it wasn't attributed to something like his work schedule. DH doesn't really take his own health very seriously, but if I say something then he will listen. He's not at all concerned about his cholesterol(both his HDL and LDL are low, which is only half good) but he trusts my knowledge of the situation and thus is taking the handful of supplements I gave him and he's started running again.

I don't know, it's hard to say for us because we are both relatively health and fitness conscious.



justpassinby -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 10:19:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ross.Lang

After having a couple of conversations with friends about marriage and the life long relationship it entails, I noticed a trend I wanted input on. Why is it that in Christian circles, physical appearance receives such a marginalized and contemptible role in a relationship? Many women, when hearing that a friend's husband is having difficulty having sex with the friend after she gained 40 pounds, treat the friend's husband like he's possessed by Satan and needs to see at least a therapist, if not an exorcist, and repent right away.

Why?

I mean, our culture is super saturated with unrealistic images of women and men. I get that... every time I look in the mirror... I understand. However, no other area of relationships works this way. I'm a professional theologian, and for my work, I read about 130 books a year. If my brilliant wife suddenly started to spend her nights watching reality TV, reading People magazine, and chatting endlessly about the stuff on Perez Hilton's blog, few Christians would say that, having married a brilliant literature professor, this sudden turn of events would not justly be met by telling my wife (in kind words, of course) that she had made herself boring and socially repugnant, please knuckle down and change back to the way you were. Why is it that if we marry someone who's a passionate Christian and they fade into a disinterested agnostic, we can complain and try to change them back, if we marry an intellectual superstar and they morph into a media-consuming lobotomy patient we can complain and try to change them back, and if we marry someone who is hard working and a provider and they become lazy and needy we can complain and try to change them back, but if we marry someone who cares for their body and is in good shape, who then balloons to a massive size later, we're expected to say "we love you just the way you are, any body type you have is fine by me"?

Why is weight treated like something over which we have no control, and why is it taboo to tell your spouse that they looked better before they were drinking two 32 ounce iced lattes and eating a pint of ice cream every day? Why can our spouses only be counted on to be pushed, and push us, into holiness and a good work ethic, and not into a regular routine of exercise that leads to a strong and healthy body?

-Ross

PS: This question is purely hypothetical, I'm not trying to justify an attack on anyone with a weight problem.


I'll give you my view on weight. It's all in my cats. I have 6. When they were young, they were skinny like most teenagers. When they are middle-aged, they gain weight, and in old age they get skinny again like an old man. Since cats don't have an "eating problem" like media tries to say us humans have, I learned not to feel guilty about weight gain and it infuriates me when a woman especially has some complex like they ought to look like they were at age 17 when they are 47. That's vanity in its highest form, and society promotes this myth.

Extra weight is not necessarily bad, neither does high cholesterol make you any more susceptible to heart attacks, nor is salt bad for you. I look to the bible for answers. Most of this culture is turned 180º around in truth. What they tell you is ALL bunk.



HisLamb26 -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 10:32:45 PM)

I think what hasn't been touched upon is this:

If a woman has had a baby-her body shape WILL change. Some women gain weight in child bearing that can be hard to lose. So in my opinion, if a man is expecting his wife to bear his children, and still have the pre-child bearing body of the young woman he married-she has every right to say: HEY BUDDY: this body bore your children. Don't you forget it!

[:D]



stampinlady -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 10:36:08 PM)

quote:

At this point, it's doubtful that my husband will live to age 68.


[:o] I hear sadness in this post. Sadly, many of us don't see the health risks untill later when it's harder to take off those pounds. If we love each other we should be concerned about their health. Dh and I are both trying to get into better shape and we're still attracted to each other, fat and all.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 11:40:37 PM)

quote:

Why is weight treated like something over which we have no control, and why is it taboo to tell your spouse that they looked better before they were drinking two 32 ounce iced lattes and eating a pint of ice cream every day? Why can our spouses only be counted on to be pushed, and push us, into holiness and a good work ethic, and not into a regular routine of exercise that leads to a strong and healthy body?



*In my first marriage I had a great figure and it drew attention... "my then husband" constantly accused me of having secret boyfriends - the other thing he accused me of was encouraging other men to flirt with me(none of that was true.)
About mid-way through the marriage I gained about forty pounds - I didn't get noticed by other men any more - I didn't get accused of encouraging men to flirt with me either... my first husband then started raking me over the coals for gaining weight, made fun of me in public and would compliment any slimmer woman on her nice figure in my presence.
When I asked him to go with me on walks or to take exercise classes he would respond with "why would I want to be seen out with you?"

My first husband was over weight and this was how he treated me when I was slim and when I got fat...Neither of my shapes pleased him!
He stayed away from home lots and I found out he had other women etc... lots of bad stuff went on - then he went for divorce and married one of his girlfriend's - who by the way, was over weight! Go figure!



Ross.Lang -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 11:51:12 PM)

I think it's interesting that the health issue keeps coming up again... and again... and again...
What I'm talking about is exactly the way this issue has been treated in this thread: "It's a health issue or a non issue! The spouse's happiness comes first." Really? If your spouse came home with a facial tattoo and six lip rings, because they "felt like it" would you be ok with that? If your wife or husband came home and had shaved their head completely bare without consulting you, would you be ok with that? What if it reaaaally made them happy? Why then is it so crazy to say to someone who is 35 or under, and has begun to participate in eating and leisure habits resulting in rapid weight gain, "I know you won't have health problems yet, since you've only been heavy ten months, but you really look bad and there's no excuse for it. Hit the gym!"? Again, consider my initial examples- why can a woman complain about emotional withdraw, income level, time with the kids, etc. etc., but a man can't complain about a woman's weight unless her health is at stake? Why is "you're boring and make no effort to enrich your life with interesting pursuits" not a sufficient reason to spend little time with your wife or make a minimal conversational investment in her, but "I don't feel like it" or "I feel healthy" is a legitimate reason for a woman to put on 40 pounds? Why are we Christians in bondage to this bizarre Platonism where we don't consider outward appearance to be a legitimate attribute for scrutiny and analysis?

-Ross



Beth67 -> RE: Why does weight get the shaft? (5/22/2009 11:59:09 PM)

A few weeks ago, my Christian husband called me, and I quote, "repulsive". [&o]



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