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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/2/2009 10:29:38 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1532
Joined: 1/27/2007
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The issues you cite have to do with a dysfunctional pastor, not you. What does it matter if a man like this shreds your character. Every other person under him fears the same thing so they will not likely buy it. And, if they do, then it is to theor shame.
To me, the events you fear are precisely WHY you should be leaving. He's a bully. And, a dysfunctional bully at that.
I know that there are reasons for predicting his behaviour. But, it may help to realize that a prediction involves fortune telling and that is not our role as Christians. So, don't spend too much time ruminating what MAY happen. Simply do what is right and move. It's time.
It strikes me that this man may have serious issues with feelings of rejection and that when people leave he takes it as rejection. And, rejected people reject. That may be the reason he attacks those that leave. In his own mind this fixes things, since HE is rejecting THEM by pointing out their flaws.
Rather than waste time thinking about how he is going to reject you (slander, etc.), why not think of some ways to leave without him feeling rejected. How can you praise him in your announcement of leaving. Is there something done well at your current church that you are modeling for the new church? Is there any way to see your leaving as an OUTREACH of your current church?
quote:
ORIGINAL: rainrain
I am in leadership at my church. Recently I have felt God was leading me to a different church in a different role. I have agonized over this decision, prayed about sought God and feel this is move is in the will of God. My wife has a peace about it and really is excited. The one aspect of this is that my current pastor is going to be really mad. I am at a small church, and very involved in this ministry. It has been a very difficult time for us but we have been very faithful and have work every hard and what ever we have put our hands to do we have done at 110%. Leaving is going to be difficult, not because we are so good or that no one can do what we do...there are plenty of people who can pick up where we leave off. The difficulty in all of this is that I know the pastor is going to do nothing less than assinate us. That is the way he handles people that leave. He will tell every person in the congregation what we did wrong, he will cite our thithing history, and tell everyone our shortcomings and make sure our charecter is shredded. At present I am just sick on the inside from plotting how I am going to face him. The move is a near latieral move as far as money (we are not paid), but it will be in a different role. Same size church, located on different sides of the county. It would take you 30-45 mins to drive from one location to the other and there is no way I would try and take people with me. In fact I plan on keeping the church quite and want to leave on a very quite note. I do not want a dinner or people crying over us or a big deal made.
Any advice or stories of a time when you left a church for a new position and what you went through? Thanks for your help.
_____________________________
http://focusonliberty.blogspot.com
Is "Left" vs. "Right" really accurate?- Check out the Liberty Dial!
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/3/2009 9:34:12 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3279
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
Thus, in a sense, this is an extended opportunity for your present worship community to be a part of your new one. For this, you MUST involve the church family. If you leave quietly, then it will absolutely look as if you and your wife are rejecting the pastor and church. But, if you are open about the change and express gratitude for the fact that your years at the church prepared you for the next level in your ministry then you may be able neutralize those appearances of rejection.
Agree. Agree. Agree.
It is imperative that you do not quietly slip away. You must make this an open announcement to the congregation. If you do not you will hurt them and you will hurt your testimony to them. It will be assumed that there was some scandal that caused you to slink away. If telling the pastor first will end up preventing such an announcement then do not tell him first. I have seen churches devastated by leaders leaving "quietly". There no such thing as leaving quietly. If you try to leave "quietly", the congregation will speculate and gossip and speculate for years to come. It is far better for them to hear the truth from you.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/3/2009 9:43:54 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 332
Joined: 9/18/2007
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James 4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.
Knowing what this Pastor has done in the past, the leadership might have reason to act.
1Peter 4:14 If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the Spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.
If you are in God’s will on this, you have nothing to fear (and everything to gain) from this man's words.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/3/2009 12:33:02 PM
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davelinde
Posts: 475
Joined: 5/5/2006
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
It is imperative that you do not quietly slip away. You must make this an open announcement to the congregation.
yes but...
I see that the OP has gotten a degree of peace and confidence in continuing with the decision to leave. That's good.
I would advise doing it in a way that remains above reproach. Blind-siding a pastor by standing up in a public service seems to be a very poor choice to me though. I would suggest that the process begin with a talk to the pastor and other leaders - primarily to inform them and express a desire that the transition be done well. Put it into their hands. The idea of just dropping out of sight and letting people speculate should not be an option, but let the choice be theirs.
Ideally the pastor should send you off publicly with his support. If, as you suspect, he will not... you can offer to make a public statement. If he does not like this (and when I last left a church the leaders were not inclined to do either)... you can speak to people privately. We did it this way - eg spoke to everyone at some point. I offered only the amount of information on our decision requested and I was very careful NOT to undermine the authority of the leaders who remained.
Sorry for your situation... just thinking back on that again reminds me how draining that kind of experience can be.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/3/2009 2:29:33 PM
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nealmorsefan
Posts: 584
Joined: 10/18/2007
From: Boise
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rainrain
I have agonized over this decision, prayed about sought God and feel this is move is in the will of God. My wife has a peace about it and really is excited.
This means you have to go. I don't there's really anything else to add.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/3/2009 5:03:40 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17282
Joined: 2/28/2005
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I just deleted a bunch of posts for a Terms of Service 9 violation, offering unwelcome counsel and TOS 6, personal attack.
I also deleted those that responded to that unwelcome counsel for Terms of Service 9 violations, off topic.
Please do not offer unwelcome counsel, which is offering advice that was not asked for in the OP.
Sincerely
Kath
Volunteer Assistant Admin
Please do not comment on this action in the community or send me a PM about it. If you have questions, comments or concerns please email Fritz at community@salemwebnetwork.com allowing time for a reply. Thank you.
< Message edited by Kath -- 6/3/2009 7:15:06 PM >
_____________________________
If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/3/2009 10:25:20 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 493
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline
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Hello rainrain
From what you say, I think your pastor qualifies as a spiritual abuser. Such people try to wield power over others and pronounce curses on all that dare to leave from under his authority.
I think your best approach might be to quietly notify those with whom you have a free and loving relationship. Then simply tell your pastor and leave. Don't give him a chance to pronounce curses over your heads.
But however you do it, get out of there. The Lord will never bless such abuse of pastoral love and concern.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/4/2009 8:13:50 AM
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SteelCurtain
Posts: 94
Joined: 3/20/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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I believe this post is just about done 
_____________________________
Pray simply, wait sometimes, stick to the path.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/5/2009 2:37:08 PM
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iratenate
Posts: 37
Joined: 9/3/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rainrain
...my current pastor is going to be really mad.
...I know the pastor is going to do nothing less than assinate us. That is the way he handles people that leave. He will tell every person in the congregation what we did wrong, he will cite our thithing history, and tell everyone our shortcomings and make sure our charecter is shredded. At present I am just sick on the inside from plotting how I am going to face him.
dude...first, your "pastor" is not a "pastor" if that's what he is really like. And, if your "church" has actually tolerated that kind of behavior in the past and will tolerate it again, it's not really a "church" either. I would have been gone a long time ago, as soon as I discovered that the pastor behaved that way.
I hate to say this, but by sticking around and not confronting the pastor's character flaws, you've basically helped to create this situation for yourself, and, unfortunately, you're going to have to deal with the consequences.
If I were you, I'd hand in my resignation, effective immediately. I'd move far away from that church and the town/city, and never look back. If what you say is going to happen, there's little to nothing you can do about it, outside of confronting the issue, which, more than likely, will only fuel the problems you're about to face. Get out of there as fast as possible, and learn from this.
Nate
_____________________________
www.MilePost13.com
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 6/9/2009 5:34:05 PM
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Skyescraper
Posts: 40
Joined: 7/9/2007
From: VA
Status: offline
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Ouch! iratenate's comment that you have enabled this man to mistreat you really hurts! It hurts me, because I was in a similar situation and stayed for over a year, for a variety of reasons: it was my full time job and it took a while to find another job, I was shocked that things went this badly and kept hoping things would improve, and mainly I am not a quitter and was trying to figure out what I could to improve the situation. I wondered if I was at fault for something and kept trying to do better. Ultimately I realized I was being abused by a bully pastor and there was really nothing I could do. Talks with the elders did nothing to help because they were all supportive of him (probably afraid of him). When we left that church it was a huge relief but also a very painful experience. We did not slink away, but did not have a good parting, either. No announcement in front of the church, no prayer for us, no thank yous... We did not even have a last Sunday. They did not want us there one more day once the decision to leave was made. But we decided to invite those who loved and supported us for a goodbye open-house at our home before we moved away, and it was a way that we were able to reiterate our love and appreciation for those folks. TYo my surprise over 60 people came and it meant a lot to us, and to them. Unfortunately most of them are staying on and allowing themselves to be bullied by the pastor. But that is their problem, not mine anymore.
The situation you are in is REALLY hard and hurts a lot. I want you to know I feel for you and will be praying for God's blessing on you and your family, and for His comfort during the time of transition. Even though we know we shouldn't worry about what a so-called pastor like that says about us, humanly-speaking it is very hard not to. You have served there with integrity and put your heart into it and it really stings to be treated that way.
I'd like to leave you with the following Scripture as an encouragement.
Ps 25:1-5
To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
_____________________________
"We should sing when we feel like it, for it is a shame to waste such an opportunity. We should sing when we don't feel like it, for it is dangerous to remain in such a condition." (Ruth Bell Graham)
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 10/9/2009 8:14:10 PM
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rainrain
Posts: 10
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline
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Well, it has been a couple months since I post these. So I thought with passing of some time I wanted to come back and let you know the outcome. My family and I went forward with leaving our church. I tell you it was a very humbling experience. My pastor was VERY supportive of us moving on. It was a surprise but I know that God was in the whole transition. @ our leaving we were honored by our former church.
We are working hard in our new church, we do 3 times as much work and every day that I am doing something for this new ministry it is like I am being carried on new found strength and fulfillment. I know that some of you might say that, that is not why we do ministry, but I truely believe that when you are in the right place you can run and not grow weary, you and walk and not faint because 1) it is God's will. 2) you feel like you are accomplishing something Big. The new ministry is not easy, but every day that passes I learn something new. Thanks for all who prayed for your insight and God bless you all!!!
BTW: we moved to a smaller church, and no pay in case you are wondering.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 10/13/2009 3:11:39 AM
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singpeace
Posts: 81
Joined: 9/19/2009
Status: offline
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I totally agree. Meet with him and a few intelligent witnesses. Be wise a a serpent but gentle as a dove. Let your past record speak for itself. If someone wants to believe the worst they hear, they are shallow already.
What matters is how we answer to our Father... in the face of ridicule and persecution... HE -- JESUS -- is all that matters. He suffered a lot more than we will ever have to, and so did many of his early disciples. Buck up, and hold yourself upright. That fear is not pleasing to the Father, I don't think. Be courageous and have a spirit of love, power, and a sound mind.
God bless you.
_____________________________
Psalm 123:1 Unto You do I lift up my eyes, O You Who are enthroned in heaven.
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 10/13/2009 11:13:34 AM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 839
Joined: 5/29/2008
From: A bit north of the Big Chicken
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
ORIGINAL: rainrain
quote:
kaffuffle
Oh no, that is why I want to leave quitely. This is not going to be a good thing. There will be no calling us to the front and blessing us like real churches do. There will be no cards of thanks. It isn't going to be pretty.
I think leaving quietly would be your first and biggest mistake. I think you should get up at the end of a Sunday morning service and declare to the congregation that you have an announcement. Then tell them all how much you and your wife love them all, how much you have loved ministering there, how much you respect and love the pastor. Then proceed to explain how God is leading you and your wife to minister somewhere else. Explain how you both have been praying and seeking God's perfect will for months. How it breaks your heart to leave them but you must follow God's leading. Ask them to pray for you as you follow God and promise to pray for their ministry there. Promise to keep in touch.
That's what I was thinking. Make a public announcement and let the congregation know why in fact that you and your wife are leaving. If the pastor gets mad then it seems it's his problem. If others see vindictiveness and spiteful behavior then that says more about him than you or your wife. If there are those in the church you are very close to share with them privately how you believe God is leading you to another church. Ask them to pray with and for you as you seek to follow God's lead.
I wish you the best!!!
_____________________________
Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: Advice on leaving my church - 10/14/2009 10:11:26 PM
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singpeace
Posts: 81
Joined: 9/19/2009
Status: offline
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Yes. Exactly.
_____________________________
Psalm 123:1 Unto You do I lift up my eyes, O You Who are enthroned in heaven.
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