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When a spouse is overweight? - 6/19/2009 12:37:41 PM
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bella05
Posts: 52
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Hello,
Hope you all can help me with this... First off, I would like to say that I love my husband dearly. We've been married for 2 years and it's been great. However, one thing has been bothering me, he has gained almost 20 lbs since we've been married. He is considered overweight for his height and BMI. I do worry about his health and that it will get harder to lose the weight as we get older. I'm still attracted to him but was more attracted to him when he was his average weight.
I do encourage him by cooking healthy meals, I don't buy junk food and buy lots of fruit/vegetables to snack on, and we go for walks on the weekends. He does work out occasionally but he does sort of a quick, not pushing himself type workout. I do go with him to the gym when I can.
I think his downfall is that he does drink a lot of beer. He doesn't drink to get drunk but the man loves his beer, heavy beers too. Overall, he'll drink a 12 pack in one week. We don't keep beer in the house but he drinks when we go out to eat and on the weekends. I do help him with his portions at home but he does eat more than a normal portion when we go out to eat or when he's with his friends.
I finally told him that he's gained a significant amount of weight. He said he knows. But he doesn't think he looks "bad". Meanwhile, he has a double-chin now and his belly is hanging over his pants. But I also told him, well you're back is hurting more because of it (he complains that his back hurts a lot), he is tired more, etc. He agrees but is in denial at the same-time. One of his best friends told him that "he's looking quite pudgy lately". His mom mentioned something too, not in a mean way. So he definitely knows.
Maybe he's become more "comfortable" with the whole marriage? He dresses in comfy clothing and doesn't dress-up as much as he used to. Gaining almost 20lbs in 2 years is a lot of extra weight. It worries me that he'll just continue to gain.
In today's society, gaining weight in a marriage seems to be expected and accepted because you're suppose to be attracted to your spouse no matter what. Some things are uncontrollable, i.e. when a man loses hair. But this he can control. And it's kind of upsetting that he feels he doesn't have to look and feel his best for himself or me anymore. I always try to look my best for him and me. He wants my hair long, so I keep it long. He likes it when I dress nice when we go out and I do. Etc.
I told him once we start a family, it's going to be more difficult to start a healthy lifestyle. Maybe if he goes to a Dr and gets a doctors opinion it will then hit home?
It's sad that this "comfortableness" is happening so soon in our marriage. Thoughts?
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/19/2009 2:37:15 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 681
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From: The South
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He's a grown man and needs to make this decision for himself. If he's only losing weight to please you or anybody else, it won't last long. The motivation needs to come from within.
It's good to take care of yourself and try to stay attractive to your spouse so if he's being sloppy in his hygiene or dress the talk to him about it. Continue to take care of yourself and love him unconditionally.
Also, remember that as a woman you will likely gain weight as you get a little older and have children. And it's usually harder for a woman to lose weight than it is for a man. Treat him like you'd want to be treated if you'd gained some weight.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 8:38:10 AM
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armywifey
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This may be a sensitive topic for some, and i hpe ppl wouldn't judge you for being honest and seeking enlightment.
I can honestly say that I understand where you are coming from. I had all the kids, yet my hubby is the one who has gained 30pounds since marriage lol. While i still find my hubby attractive and am still madly in love w/ him, there are times when I am pretty much turned off when i see him walking around without a shirt. He has a nice sized gut and a few back rolls. Yes military guys can be overweight too lol. Men are just different. While we try to ''hide'' our problem areas, they flaunt it like a peacock,lol. He also knows the habits that are not helping him loose, but he makes these choices anyway. The only time i remind him not to eat choco cookies and milk at 10pm, is when he shares he's disgusted with his body and needs to loose weight. I've tried being his accountability partner, but in the end, ppl are going to d what they want to.
Just b/c we are christians doesn't mean that we don't have preferences, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be physically attracted to ones spouse. However, it becomes a problem if your love for them changes based on their physical appearance. Sure, I wish my hubby didn't have a gut and a few back rolls, but I wouldn't trade him for the most handsome/fit guy in the world. I'll love him no matter what!
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 11:25:50 AM
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bella05
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Thank you for all your responses! It's definitely a sensitive topic for a lot of people. I also do believe that we should take care of ourselves. As Christians we are called to take care of our bodies/temple. I am an active person and will always try to stay healthy. So I'm not sure that I agree with Hislittleone that every woman is likely to be overweight from pregnancy. I think this way of thinking goes along with the saying that it's okay to let yourself go when your married because it just happens. Remaining healthy and attractive for yourself and spouse is a way to honor your husband/wife.
A perfect example of 'letting go of oneself' is my father. He does not take care of himself at all. He's severely overweight, his cholesterol is through the roof, he smokes, he's not active, and my mother continues to buy him junk food and never says anything about his health. He's 60 years old and is increasing his risk for an early death. Obesity/overweight is an epidemic in the U.S. Why is it not okay to say something to your spouse if he or she is heading towards being another statistic?
I do love my husband very much and unconditionally. But I also care about my husbands health. If he continues to gain 10 lbs every year, his risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol will also increase.
I know this is a touchy subject but if a spouse had a problem with porn addiction, gambling, alcohol, neglect, etc... it's okay to question him or her. But when a spouse is not taking care of himself and is not putting an effort into looking attractive for their spouse, it's off limits?
I do agree with armywife, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to ones spouse. I am still attracted to him but I was more attracted to him when he wasn't 20 pounds heavier. He can control what he eats and does. Everyone has choices. It hurts me because it seems that he doesn't care about our romance life or doesn't care if I'm attracted to him or not. Like there's no need to put an effort in his appearance, he's married now. I don't know. I will continue to pray for him though. Blessings.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 4:04:05 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
Bella: I am an active person and will always try to stay healthy. So I'm not sure that I agree with Hislittleone that every woman is likely to be overweight from pregnancy. I think this way of thinking goes along with the saying that it's okay to let yourself go when your married because it just happens. Remaining healthy and attractive for yourself and spouse is a way to honor your husband/wife
I'm an active person too and I do my best to look good for my spouse (and myself  ). I did state that it's important in my previous post (i.e. "it's good to take care of yourself"). My point was not that it's impossible for EVERY woman to remain a healthy size after pregnancy. My point was that for MOST women it becomes MORE difficult as time goes by and as you have more babies. Also factor in health problems or injuries that tend to occur as you get a little older.
What I'm saying to you is be careful you don't say things to your husband now that you will regret later on in life because the shoe MIGHT be on the other foot so to speak. 
Is this just about the 20 lbs (which frankly isn't that much unless he was already overweight) or is it about him being sloppy in his hygiene and dress as well?
quote:
RCJames: I have loved my wife from 120 lbs. when we got married, up to 220 lbs. when she was bearing the childres, and back not to 145 and a size 10 (not bad for a 66 year old great grandmother.
I never complained, never felt more attracted to her, or less attracted to her; no matter what her weight was. I loved her for who she was, and who she became in Christ.
Just get over wanting you hubby to look like Brad Pitt, and love and care for him.
And pay attention to what HislittleOne said; when you start the whole motherhood thingy and the hips start to spread; he just might get concerned about "Your health".
RC, great post!
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 4:06:56 PM
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his_chosen
Posts: 1302
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RIght there with you... My husband is obese. Both his parents died of heart disease in their 60's. He's 46yo and already has heart disease. I alwasy assumed I would be married "happily ever after" like my grandparents. They were married for 68yrs when Grandpa died at age 90yo. At this point, I'm concerned that dh won't make it to AGE 68.
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 4:28:29 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
quote:
I think this way of thinking goes along with the saying that it's okay to let yourself go when your married because it just happens. Remaining healthy and attractive for yourself and spouse is a way to honor your husband/wife.
I think she was just saying that, despite all your efforts, the shoe may be on the other foot one day.
Sometimes women try as hard as they can, but can't "snap back" after pregnacies (or from natural life occurrences in general); it's okay to say you'll try to remain healthy and active for as long as possible, but things change over time-- bodies change; physiology changes; people get sick. You never know that you might gain and be unable to lose one day, although you may think and pledge that it'll never happen to you. I think we all HOPE it won't happen to us.
If you were referring to me that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Bella, I do think it's important to work at being healthy and attractive. I work really hard at it. My husband is always proud to "show me off" (his words, not mine ). But I pay more attention to MYSELF than I do to what he's doing to make himself attractive. I put my effort and energy into myself, not into focusing on what he's doing wrong or what he could be doing better, kwim?
Do I want a spouse that's so big they can hardly move? No. But seriously, 20 lbs of weight gain isn't going to kill anyone (as long as they aren't really overweight to begin with). My husband is probably 20 lbs. heavier than when we first married about 14 yrs. ago but I find him even more attractive now...for various reasons. I don't worry about his health because of it. And I certainly don't find him to be sloppy or unattractive because of it.
I hope you don't feel like I'm picking on you here because that's not my intent. I do understand the need and desire to not be disgusted by your spouse. Nobody wants that.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm wondering if there are other things going on like he's not dressing/grooming nicely or his hygiene isn't as good etc.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 6:43:03 PM
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WhiteDove747
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Bella, many of us can very well relate to your problem. My husband is also overweight by at least 40 lbs. and he knows it. He wants to lose weight and have been trying, however, he does not have the discipline to see himself through despite all my helps and efforts. I would even prepare the fruits (such as peel and cut) and serve them to him because if I don't he wouldn't eat - he's just too lazy to do the little work.
Hubby is also borderline diabetic. I sorely dislike "nagging" him but I just have to do my part, otherwise, if nobody says something he just continue on his merry way of eating sweets because he thinks it's okay and says that he's drinking less Coke and eating less chocolate, ice cream and cakes now than 3 years ago before we got married (I remind him that he was younger then). Note that my hubby is past middle age (quite older than I) so it's more worrisome for me.
I don't say that you "nag" yours, I do not know your husband's tolerance and we really should not. My husband and I get upset at each other on the eating issue but he doesn't take it against me because he knew so well I am right and I am only trying to help out of my love and concern. Add to that that I have been a very good example of healthy eating. We love each other no matter how we physically look (I keep myself presentable). It's something that weight or sickness wouldn't change.
You are right, he may have been comfortable now, after all you're not courting anymore. Many of us are like that - we look our best and act on our best behavior to please someone but once we've tied the knot, it just change. That's already a given!
You are the one who knows your husband's tolerance level over constructive reminders. You can only do so much. Adults are like children some times - you tell them not to pull a rose plant with bare hands because it will hurt. Some adheres because they know you are right but some does it anyway despite knowing the consequences. There's only so much you can do to encourage and help. Maybe you'd like to consider increasing his life and medical insurance?  (it's a joke) Just keep loving him and continue to pray for his well-being.
< Message edited by WhiteDove747 -- 6/20/2009 6:56:42 PM >
_____________________________
This is how God loves: that He laid down His life for you and I.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 7:09:17 PM
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his_chosen
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Am I the only one who feels unloved because of my husband's weight/health issues? He is putting his own isntant gratification (poor food choices, not willing to exercise) above our long term happiness. Or does he hate me this much that he's willing to kill himself to get out of our marriage. I had grounds for divorce years ago but decided to tough it out, since then we've agreed that divorce is not an option. So he sees death as the only way out?
_____________________________
You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 7:25:41 PM
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angel_wings13
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His-chosen has some really good points.
Although my darling isn't overweight he used to smoke cigarettes. It wasn't that I wanted him to quite because it smelled bad and such (well that was a small part of it), but it was because of what it could do to his health. I wanted him to be healthy so he could live a long life with me and his children and the children that we are hoping to have.
_____________________________
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
John 8:7
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 8:38:51 PM
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bella05
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This is quite the discussion! LOL! Obviously this is a sore topic. There might be some exaggeration here..
quote:
Just get over wanting you hubby to look like Brad Pitt, and love and care for him.
And pay attention to what HislittleOne said; when you start the whole motherhood thingy and the hips start to spread; he just might get concerned about "Your health".
It's only been 2 years is my point! I completely understand that as we age, things do change. However we're in our late twenties and newly married. If I can still be his sexy gal and remain in shape, then he can still be my sexy man and remain in shape.
When and/or If I become pregnant, I most likely will be watching what I eat during my pregnancy so that I don't gain an unhealthy amount. I probably will continue to go to the gym. My mother has done it, my friends have done it so I know it is possible. By the way, I find quote:
when you start the whole motherhood thingy and the hips start to spread a little insulting/crude.
I agree and understand his chosen, quote:
Am I the only one who feels unloved because of my husband's weight/health issues? He is putting his own isntant gratification (poor food choices, not willing to exercise) above our long term happiness.
What is wrong with wanting your spouse to to be healthy and in shape? It's for his best interest as well as your own. Are Christians drones or something? Are we supposed to be numb when it comes to physical appearances? ...Addiction to porn is only bad or wrong, not addiction to food? He is making poor decisions as of what he puts into his body. It goes against God's Word. Just as smoking or doing drugs is against God's Word.
I like what armywife has said, quote:
Just b/c we are christians doesn't mean that we don't have preferences, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be physically attracted to ones spouse.
When we're in a marriage we are called to give 100% of ourselves to our spouses. Honor, love, respect... but somehow when your spouse is not taking care of himself, letting himself go purposefully and not giving 100%, it's okay and nothing should be said? Because it's a physical thing? It's unbiblical to not take care of your body... We're suppose to be like Christ right? Seriously, can you picture Jesus overweight or obese?
Obesity/overweight is a very well-known and huge problem in the United States. If my husband continues to gain 10 lbs a year, then he will be a statistic. 20 pounds is enough in my opinion as well as in most doctors opinions.
Oh yeah, my husband is just as hot as Brad Pitt... well 20 lbs heavier now. But my husband just got back from the gym = Awesome! I will always be his cheerleader and encouragement when it comes to staying healthy and lean. Why are we all obsessed with Brad Pitt anyway? LOL!
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 8:53:00 PM
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solo_soprano23
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
quote:
I think this way of thinking goes along with the saying that it's okay to let yourself go when your married because it just happens. Remaining healthy and attractive for yourself and spouse is a way to honor your husband/wife.
I think she was just saying that, despite all your efforts, the shoe may be on the other foot one day.
Sometimes women try as hard as they can, but can't "snap back" after pregnacies (or from natural life occurrences in general); it's okay to say you'll try to remain healthy and active for as long as possible, but things change over time-- bodies change; physiology changes; people get sick. You never know that you might gain and be unable to lose one day, although you may think and pledge that it'll never happen to you. I think we all HOPE it won't happen to us.
If you were referring to me that's exactly what I was trying to say.
Bella, I do think it's important to work at being healthy and attractive. I work really hard at it. My husband is always proud to "show me off" (his words, not mine ). But I pay more attention to MYSELF than I do to what he's doing to make himself attractive. I put my effort and energy into myself, not into focusing on what he's doing wrong or what he could be doing better, kwim?
Do I want a spouse that's so big they can hardly move? No. But seriously, 20 lbs of weight gain isn't going to kill anyone (as long as they aren't really overweight to begin with). My husband is probably 20 lbs. heavier than when we first married about 14 yrs. ago but I find him even more attractive now...for various reasons. I don't worry about his health because of it. And I certainly don't find him to be sloppy or unattractive because of it.
I hope you don't feel like I'm picking on you here because that's not my intent. I do understand the need and desire to not be disgusted by your spouse. Nobody wants that.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm wondering if there are other things going on like he's not dressing/grooming nicely or his hygiene isn't as good etc.
Yeah, I was referring you to. :) I think I inadvertently quoted a piece of the quote and not the whole quote.
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/20/2009 9:34:08 PM
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WhiteDove747
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quote:
ORIGINAL: his_chosen
Am I the only one who feels unloved because of my husband's weight/health issues? He is putting his own isntant gratification (poor food choices, not willing to exercise) above our long term happiness. Or does he hate me this much that he's willing to kill himself to get out of our marriage. I had grounds for divorce years ago but decided to tough it out, since then we've agreed that divorce is not an option. So he sees death as the only way out?
Do you really believe he doesn't love you anymore? Sometimes it is not that the husband doesn't love his wife. It's just the way some men (and women) are - selfish, careless, short-sighted, lacking determination. I don't know how you are treating each other but I don't think he hates you (unless you have very serious marital problems). It's a funny way of hating one person and destroying oneself.
My husband has a problem exercising as well but this is only because he is lazy to exercise. Just this afternoon I said loudly, 'God, would you please tell my husband that if he doesn't use this stationery bike (which he put in the living room so he can watch TV while exercising) I'll have to put it away.' My husband heard it and used the bike for 2 minutes. Knowing my husband it means he knows he has to exercise, he wants to exercise but he is just too lazy.
It's hard to understand our husbands (remember though that they say the same to us); we could reach the end of our wits and still don't understand them. The problem is, men (generally speaking) don't see black and blue the way women see them.
_____________________________
This is how God loves: that He laid down His life for you and I.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/21/2009 9:13:32 AM
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Frok
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There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to take care of himself. Why not keep the attraction alive as long as possible? It sounds to me like most people just throw in the towel because staying in shape takes effort.
My wife and I tend to gain weight pretty easily so we have to keep ourselves in check. I want her to look good as she gets older and I know she would appreciate the same from me.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/21/2009 6:22:51 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 681
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From: The South
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quote:
When and/or If I become pregnant, I most likely will be watching what I eat during my pregnancy so that I don't gain an unhealthy amount. I probably will continue to go to the gym. My mother has done it, my friends have done it so I know it is possible. By the way, I find
LOL I thought the same way as you until I turned 30 and had my second child. I was eating healthy, gaining a healthy amount of weight, and exercising until I had a scare in my 5th month. I started having contractions and was told to take it easy for a while. After that I couldn't do my previous workout routine for various reasons and ended up gaining way more than I thought I would. Afterwards, I had serious back problems for about 1.5 years that prevented me from exercising. Turns out my hips hadn't gone back into proper alignment (sp?) after the pregnancy. Which leads me to my next point.....
"
quote:
By the way, I find
quote:RCJames
"when you start the whole motherhood thingy and the hips start to spreada little"
insulting/crude.
Bella, that's not insulting or crude.... It's a fact of life. LOL That's why I was having back problems. The hips (i.e. hip bones) do spread during pregnancy.
You can make plans but life has a funny way of boppin' us upside the head sometimes. You gotta learn to roll with the punches.....
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/21/2009 8:26:29 PM
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armywifey
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I don't think she is saying she is unhappy in her marriage b/c of his weight, she just doesn't want what is happening to her dad happen to her husband. She doesn't want to see the cycle repeated. I also have to say that I know mothers who have had 3+ kids stay in shape.Either they "choose'' to excercise and eat moderately thus only gaining baby weight, or they loose the weight within 6mo-12mo after baby is born. I myself have a big brood(more than 4 ) and i have managed to stay at a healthy weight. Before anyone says, ''oh, it must be your genes'', I say no, b/c my ''genes'' say that I should be 100 pounds overweight as all the females on my moms side are. I make a conscious effort to stay in shape physically, and i love the fact that my husband still finds me sexy and still chases after me w/ the same passion as when we were dating. I have heard too many women say that their husband should love them regardless of them being 300 pounds. Yes that's true, but don't get upset if he admits that he loves you but isn't ''attracted to you'' b/c he is afterall only human. I never did understand the mentality that says, ''I'm married now, I can let myself go, and if he/she doesn't like it tough''
Now i know there will be times when the weight comes because it's out of our control, but honestly most ppl are overweight by their own doing, not for medical reasons.
Now if this poster was mailgning her husband and calling him all kinds of degrading names, i would tell her she needs to check herself, and to get over it. She has a legitimate concern, and i think she probably came here to vent, more than to get answers.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/21/2009 8:44:13 PM
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armywifey
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As an add on(b/c i know somene is thinking it, lol) Yes a spouse can still be attracted(as in DANG, woman you look GOOD,or DANG man you look HOT in that) to their mate if they're 20,30,40 or more pounds overweight, some may even find Big beautiful. If that is said couples situation so be it. Experience tells me they are the exception to the rule, and reality is if one spouse has issues with it, it shouldn't be swept under the rug. No, nagging is not the ideal way to handle it, but there needs to be some open communication and encouragement.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/21/2009 8:51:11 PM
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carl54
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Bella -- I don't see anything wrong with your attitude or desiring to have your husband take better care of himself. We should do all we can to take care of ourselves. That includes staying physically fit, keeping our minds healthy, staying away from overindulgence of any kind, etc. I think you are on solid grounds as long as you are speaking the truth in love. Why shouldn't one want their spouse to eat healthy, look good when it is within their control, etc.? Many of the illnesses around today began with overweight. Is it so unreasonable to warn our spouse if we see them heading down the wrong path?
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/21/2009 11:10:08 PM
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georgerobbyjr
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quote:
My husband has a problem exercising as well but this is only because he is lazy to exercise.
Exercising is great but the extra weight probably has more to do with his eating habits than a lack of exercise. You can work out as hard as you want, if you don't eat properly you won't see the full benefits of exercise. Drinking water with meals and eating slowly also helps. Maybe you should ask him how he would feel if you gained 20 or 30lbs. Then tell him that's exactly how you feel. Tell him you don't think it's fair you make the effort to stay slim and he doesn't.
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RE: When a spouse is overweight? - 6/22/2009 1:29:02 PM
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bella05
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Thank you all for your support! I do sincerely love my husband and want the best for him.
As Dr.Laura says... eat less, move more!
-Hislittleone
quote:
LOL I thought the same way as you until I turned 30 and had my second child. I was eating healthy, gaining a healthy amount of weight, and exercising until I had a scare in my 5th month. I started having contractions and was told to take it easy for a while. After that I couldn't do my previous workout routine for various reasons and ended up gaining way more than I thought I would. Afterwards, I had serious back problems for about 1.5 years that prevented me from exercising. Turns out my hips hadn't gone back into proper alignment (sp?) after the pregnancy.
... nice encouragement. Sorry this has happened to you but do you tell everyone who is pregnant or is about to become pregnant the "debbie downers" of pregnancy? Hope is a great gift from God, no need to take that away from people. On that note, I do have high hopes of bouncing back quickly after my pregnancy! God Bless.
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MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT ~ PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS! 
But nothing I say or do is going to change him. The weight does not change how much I love him nor does it change my attraction to him. It does, however, worry me for health reasons.
