To wait on Him or file? (Full Version)

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dksitecivil -> To wait on Him or file? (6/27/2009 11:52:50 PM)

I have posted here several times recently. My wife is in a relationship with a man she was having an affair with. They are living together as a family while I am left in limbo. She has stated she is going to file for divorce but hasn't done so. I had hoped for a reconciliation but after 3 months now it doesn't appear likely. I can't handle the pain knowing she is with this guy and that she really doesn't care about me at all. I am struggling with wondering if I should just file myself, or continue to be hopeful that her new relationship will sour at some point. I just don't think I can continue like this. I am praying constantly and I know God's timing is not mine, but I am running out of stamina waiting. And don't know if I should just file since she hasn't or if I should continue waiting, praying and hoping. Part of me wants her to file so it will be on her conscience that she quit our marriage and not me. I am hurting so much and don't know what to do. I find myself doubting and my faith is shaky at times.



deermousie -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (6/28/2009 12:36:36 AM)

I'm so sorry; I can't imagine how painful this must be.

What does your pastor advise you to do?



BenQuebec -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (6/30/2009 10:37:32 AM)

The following constitues my personal opinion, which I humbly submit for your prayerful consideration:

The Lord commands us to love our wives as Christ loved the church. I believe that this means that if your wife chooses to abandon you, then so be it. It'll be on her conscience. But since Christ would never abandon His church, you should not abandon your wife. Filing would equal abandonment; although she started the process, you would become a participant. Let her file.

In the meantime, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. My prayers are with you.



CoeurdeLeon -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (6/30/2009 10:47:46 AM)

I know that you feel that you can't continue the way you are and therefore you *must* do something. It already is on her that she quit your marriage. But, in your present mental and emotional upheaval, I would discourage doing anything. This is the time when actions could be taken that are regretful. Wait until you are in a more stable and objective state before you make any life-altering decisions if at all possible.

I know the pain you're in and my heart goes out to you.



LizzieJ. -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (6/30/2009 11:04:45 AM)

quote:

Part of me wants her to file so it will be on her conscience that she quit our marriage and not me.


She quit the marriage a long time ago. This is just a formal process to end the "legal" obligations of the marriage.

quote:

I just don't think I can continue like this.


God said that it is his desire for his children to live in peace. For myself. I would seek to live in peace once again and file the papers so that I could go on with my life.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (6/30/2009 5:19:52 PM)

She has already broken the marriage convenant and abandoned you. The decision is yours. In your position I would file and move on, you could be waiting for a long time if you wait for her. it may not be in her best interests to get divorced, maybe she wants an insurance incase it goes wrong.
You are the only one who knows whether you want to keep on waiting or not and whether you would have her back in a few months or years if they broke up.Jesus allows us to divorce for adultery as He knows that it is the ultimate betrayal for a spouse.She has betrayed you and she has made her choice. She now has to live with that for the rest of her life and God wont bless her relationship, even if they do eventually get married.They both know that they are sinning but that is their choice, and there will be consequenses for them.
Maybe tell her that if she doesnt file for divorce then you will. She actually has no legal or Biblical reason to divorce you, so I am not sure how she is justifying it anyway.



3tulips -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (6/30/2009 7:06:48 PM)

How is your money being divided? Do you both have jobs and seperate accounts now? I ask because you say she is living with him and I wonder if you are paying half the rent on that apartment.



laura... -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/1/2009 11:05:40 AM)

I recommend that you file in order to protect yourself from any legal ramifications. Divorce does not mean that you cannot ever reconcile in the future. If you file on the grounds that she has abandoned the marriage and is committing adultery you are likely to get a much better financial judgment than if she files on whatever grounds she comes up with. Another factor to consider is the possibility of pregnancy. If she should become pregnant by her boyfriend, you would be responsible for the child if you are still married to her at the time. That would embroil you in a battle over child support, paternity and custody.



BenQuebec -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/2/2009 1:10:50 PM)

Good points, Laura.



diazishere -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/3/2009 7:49:13 AM)

Forget about conscience. There is not that kind of stuff when there is no love anymore. You are such a good person with soft and kind heart and your 'wife' must know that. She is not who you believes she is. End this as soon as possible. Your time is for waiting a fancy women that really love you and care about your feel, not for waiting a change heart to become warm again. I know it's hard, but force yourself to make the decision!!!!



ppodmama -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/3/2009 8:58:33 AM)

Firstly, consider yourself receiving a big sisterly hug ((((( )))))!
Sadly, when it comes to stuff like this there is no target answer.
Spiritually....
Consider giving God lordship over your actions and emotions right now. Please believe me from the depths of my soul I understand exactly how you feel.
If you have read my posts in the prayer section, I know what it is like to be in limbo. It could take some training, but when you get mad or sad, or want to act in a certain direction ask God to let you do those things if it should be, and to cover you with peace if not.

You may wish to ask God to be Lord over your wife's actions and emotions as well. As a spouse there is a certain spiritual authority you have when it comes to prayers...use it.

Mercy and love cover over a multitude of sin, so remaining committed God I believe will always bless, but He understands humanity (Why did we need Christ otherwise) He will not hate you for anything you do. He understands better than any of us what you are feeling and knows the torment you are under. Going to court could be the first step to reconcilition, especially if you seek seperation first.
Legally.....
IF SHE IS LIVING WITH THE KIDS IN THIS SITUATION, you need to establish the most time with your kids, even have them live with YOU instead and MAKE HER HAVE VISITATION. DO THIS IMMEDIATELY. That man is not their father and has no rights to them. This will go a long way for you should you get divorced because most times the system wants to keep the kids in the routine that has already been established.

Get an attorney from outside your area. Why? Because when you work within your county, there are friendships that affect the outcome of cases.
Attorney's appear to be impartial, but if they have to work deals out with judges all the time, there is going to be some partiality because they are human. ASK the attorney you want to hire if he knows any of the judges or your wifes attorney (if she has one) If the answer is yes, be cautioned.

I agree filing is a good idea for legal reasons, but I would go the seperation route first. Why?
Because the court system is STACKED AGAINST MEN!!!!! (just so you know I am a woman) I have seen many a good friend and brother go through divorces and end up shafted in ways I couldn't even dream up. Plus you have an opportunity to express your desire for counseling and trying to work it out which is in reality what you want, I believe. You can always withdrawl it.

Who knows, that action may cause her to think about what she's really doing as well and it promts her to have to respond.



dksitecivil -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/27/2009 9:09:46 PM)

just an update,
It appears that she is filing this week. She has the papers filled out now. I have held on to a hope that she would miss being with me or something but I guess I have been in denial since she has clearly moved on. I am doing the best I can and staying very involved in church, and with my good Christian friends. At this point I just have to face reality. If she is going to follow her own will instead of God's then she has made her choice and will have to answer for that. I am studying His Word daily and praying a lot. I believe He will honor me for the desire of my heart and my hope for reconciliation. I just hope He will understand why I am giving up waiting. I need to and have to move past this chapter of my life and admit my marriage is over.

From what I have learned, there are two avenues for divorce in FL. Simple and Complex. Simple is much cheaper and is done when both spouses agree on the terms and conditions, etc. Complex is when there is no agreement and the attorneys win. Since I lost my job in February money has been very tight to say the least. She is filing for a Simple Divorce. I could contest it but there doesn't seem to be any point in doing so. I believe the terms are acceptable and I am having my attorney review everything before I sign the papers. My Mother-in-Law who has supported me through all of this reminded me again today that God works all things for good to those that honor Him. I hope there is some good that comes out of this pain and hurt. I just don't understand what happened or why.



changedmind -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 12:34:36 AM)

My opinion is that if you are going to wait on Him You prayerfully , wait on Him. You wife has clearly violated the marriage covenent, so you have a way out according to scripture. Do you want to take it and go on with your life? What God has for you is for you and it will not stray,but it is good and it will stand the test of time. I know what you are going through , I just found out my husband has had an emotional affair, { well that is what he is admitting to anyway] after nearly 12 years of marriage. I want to leave However , God has instructed me to be still. I am being obedient but it is hard. Now I did'nt say God said stay permanently but he didn't say not to either. I just shared that to say you are not the only one with this experience and I'm sure you have read. Be encouraged I hope this helps you and may God bless and comfort you.



dksitecivil -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 12:46:22 AM)

I go back and forth. I truly love her and want to be with her. But she has clearly from all outward signs anyhow, moved on. It's been 4 months now and they are living together. She has said she is filing this week. I haven't initiated a divorce because I don't believe in them. I believe God can and will restore our marriage but only if she were to turn back to Him first. I could not sign the papers and drag it out, which will be expensive and I am now unemployed. I don't want to chase a dream if that is all it is. I have to decide to sign or not in the next few days. I don't know what I should do. That is why I am here posting. I pray and pray talking openly to Him. I don't know if I hear Him saying anything.



dksitecivil -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 12:50:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: changedmind

My opinion is that if you are going to wait on Him You prayerfully , wait on Him. You wife has clearly violated the marriage covenent, so you have a way out according to scripture. Do you want to take it and go on with your life? What God has for you is for you and it will not stray,but it is good and it will stand the test of time. I know what you are going through , I just found out my husband has had an emotional affair, { well that is what he is admitting to anyway] after nearly 12 years of marriage. I want to leave However , God has instructed me to be still. I am being obedient but it is hard. Now I did'nt say God said stay permanently but he didn't say not to either. I just shared that to say you are not the only one with this experience and I'm sure you have read. Be encouraged I hope this helps you and may God bless and comfort you.


How has God instructed you other than He hates divorce? Has He spoken to you in prayer? I will pray for you. I certainly know to some degree how you must be hurting also. I know it must be hard for you too. Has he said he wants to work on your marriage or get counseling?



changedmind -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 12:58:51 AM)

I hear your heart and I believe that sometimes you won't feel led by God in a particular area or feel like you hear Him instructing you , but we have his word concerning this matter. It is hard for you because you love her and there is nothing wrong with that. If she is going to file then there is your answer, you will have to go on and it will be hard but stay focused on the Lord and continue to talk to Him and continue to praise Him. When and if you get divorced you should seek counseling[even if you don'y get a divorce] to get healing. If divorced so you will be healthy for the next relationship, after all it was not you that violated the marriage so don't feel guilty for going on with your life in seeking another mate. The bible says when he finds a wife he finds a good thing.



changedmind -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 1:06:21 AM)

in response to your question. I went to church a bible study meeting , after learning that my husband cheated. I heard through the message that was being preached that night not to act on my emotions concerning what I was facing but to be still. We are close with our pastors and they had not been told what had happened yet and there were other specific instructions concerning marriages that were spoken. My husband says he is sorry and is saying he wants the marriage and tells me this will never happen again, but I am at this point only interested in what God Has to say.



northstar -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 2:21:32 AM)

About 15 years ago, my fil left my mil for a younger woman who he moved in with. Everyone from mil's church told her to divorce him because he'd left her and wouldn't come back. She didn't sign any papers, and she just continued to wait and to be nice to him. Well, six months later he came back, and my in-laws are still married to this day.

Just a story of hope, to let you know that things can work out if you're willing to hang in there.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 5:19:24 AM)

dksitecivil.
As I see it you have choices.
You go along with it so you can both move on.
You contest it, refuse to sign anything
You say to her that you want to wait a set time, maybe a year, and if she still wants a divorce, you will go the simple route. If you still want this marriage to work, maybe go this third route.If you refuse to sign anything, she cannot divorce you against your will. After a year, she will either have broken up with this man(and that is fairly likely as relationships where one leaves their spouses for another person frequently dont last) or she may have come to her senses and repented to you and God for her sin and ourtright disobedience.
It really deoends on what you yourself want in this.
If you suggest this route of waiting a year, it may give her time to reflect and her relationship with be past the first 'in love' phase.It will also allow God to work.However, yuo may well want to move on and get it all over with, the choice is up to you.

My husbands ex wife met another man, who she thought she wanted to marry, and asked my husband if he would agree to a divorce. He is the kindest man I have ever met and becuase he thought she seemed so happy with this other man, he agreed to it and even helped her to fill all the forms in when she asked him.He didnt want the divorce as he beleives that you keep your promises, and while unhappy in the marriage, he would never have divorced her, but he allowed it anyway, and never even got a solicitor for himself.

Just to encourage you, what your mother in law said is SOOOOOOO true, God will use it for good, and in my husbands case He has. God has restored to him ALL that he lost and so much more. What Satan meant for evil God has bought such amazing good. He is now married to me, we have an amazing marriage, he is the best step dad ever to my kids and neither of us have ever been happier. His wife broke up with this non Christian man 2 months after the divorce was completed and she is still alone 4 years later.We do reap what we sow, that is so true, as will your wife and this other man.


Changed mind,
Your situation, while also very painful, is very different in that your husband never left you, he never had a physical affair(therefore you may well have no grounds for divorce Biblically even though it is a betrayal) and he wants to stay in the marriage. This is the opposite of the other situation where she has left, she is living with the other man, and she doesnt want to stay in the marriage.



laura... -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 9:51:22 AM)

quote:

You say to her that you want to wait a set time, maybe a year, and if she still wants a divorce, you will go the simple route. If you still want this marriage to work, maybe go this third route.If you refuse to sign anything, she cannot divorce you against your will. After a year, she will either have broken up with this man(and that is fairly likely as relationships where one leaves their spouses for another person frequently dont last) or she may have come to her senses and repented to you and God for her sin and ourtright disobedience.


Yes she can divorce you against your will. It would just be very unpleasant, and expensive.

I tried that route with my first husband when he divorced me. He wanted a simple disillusionment. I refused to sign unless he was willing to try to save our marriage for six months. He didn't want to do that so he filed against me. I was forced to counter file so that I wouldn't lose custody of my children. I could have continued to dragged it out longer than it was but it just would have gotten messier and messier not only for me but for our children. And, in the end, I didn't want to be married to somebody who didn't want to be married to me.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 10:29:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laura...

quote:

You say to her that you want to wait a set time, maybe a year, and if she still wants a divorce, you will go the simple route. If you still want this marriage to work, maybe go this third route.If you refuse to sign anything, she cannot divorce you against your will. After a year, she will either have broken up with this man(and that is fairly likely as relationships where one leaves their spouses for another person frequently dont last) or she may have come to her senses and repented to you and God for her sin and ourtright disobedience.


Yes she can divorce you against your will. It would just be very unpleasant, and expensive.

I tried that route with my first husband when he divorced me. He wanted a simple disillusionment. I refused to sign unless he was willing to try to save our marriage for six months. He didn't want to do that so he filed against me. I was forced to counter file so that I wouldn't lose custody of my children. I could have continued to dragged it out longer than it was but it just would have gotten messier and messier not only for me but for our children. And, in the end, I didn't want to be married to somebody who didn't want to be married to me.


A lady who I used to know was trying to divorce her husband who was a horrible man. he refused to sign anything and refused to send anything back that he was sent so eventaully she had to give up and she never got her divorce and stayed with him for many more years till eventually they seperated and remain that way now.Maybe things are different now(that was about 20 years ago) or maybe different in different countries.



laura... -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 10:36:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

quote:

ORIGINAL: laura...

quote:

You say to her that you want to wait a set time, maybe a year, and if she still wants a divorce, you will go the simple route. If you still want this marriage to work, maybe go this third route.If you refuse to sign anything, she cannot divorce you against your will. After a year, she will either have broken up with this man(and that is fairly likely as relationships where one leaves their spouses for another person frequently dont last) or she may have come to her senses and repented to you and God for her sin and ourtright disobedience.


Yes she can divorce you against your will. It would just be very unpleasant, and expensive.

I tried that route with my first husband when he divorced me. He wanted a simple disillusionment. I refused to sign unless he was willing to try to save our marriage for six months. He didn't want to do that so he filed against me. I was forced to counter file so that I wouldn't lose custody of my children. I could have continued to dragged it out longer than it was but it just would have gotten messier and messier not only for me but for our children. And, in the end, I didn't want to be married to somebody who didn't want to be married to me.


A lady who I used to know was trying to divorce her husband who was a horrible man. he refused to sign anything and refused to send anything back that he was sent so eventaully she had to give up and she never got her divorce and stayed with him for many more years till eventually they seperated and remain that way now.Maybe things are different now(that was about 20 years ago) or maybe different in different countries.


In other countries it is different. In the United States, and I'm pretty sure it is basically the same in every state, a spouse can file for divorce and have it granted without the signature of the other spouse. If the other spouse never responds and/or cannot be located the divorce is still granted by the courts. All the filing spouse has to prove is that they have not cohabited for a specific length of time.



dksitecivil -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 10:43:41 AM)

I believe in Florida the law is that if one will not agree to the divorce or will not contest it (due to expenses incurred) then it is granted after a period of time, but not sure. I need to find this out so I know. Part of me doesn't want to be with her because of the hurt she has caused me. But at the same time, I do still love her and don't believe in divorce. Jesus forgave me so who am I not to forgive her. All things are possible in Christ. But she would have to fully repent to God first and foremost before I would want to reconcile with her. I have let her know I do not want a divorce and do not want her to file, and she has delayed for about 4 months now. I really don't know if her delay is because she has had second thoughts or because of the filing fees.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 4:53:01 PM)

I am from the UK so maybe that is why things are different from there. I am pretty sure that it is extreemly hard to divorce anyone unless they agree to sign the forms.They can also hang around with the forms for ages if they want to delay it.
if one spouse doesnt want a divorce the other has to wait 5 years after seperating before they can go ahead, unless they divorce for unreaosnable behaviour. Mind you the silly things that some have cited as unreasonable behaviour are laughable so there are always ways round anything.



dksitecivil -> RE: To wait on Him or file? (7/28/2009 10:11:28 PM)

I have a little more peace about my pending divorce today and I pray it lasts. I am trying to focus on the fact that the women/wife I was married to no longer exists. By that I mean she wasn't who I thought she was. She is a hypocrite and an adulterous and nothing more. NOT the kind of wife I want to be married to. This is not to say that if, and a Big IF, she would completely repent and come back to God, His Son Jesus and the promises in His Word, and If we went through a considerable amount of Christian counseling, then I would think about reconciling. But now as it stands (tonight anyhow), I need to move past this nightmare and being in limbo. I believe God has too much in store for me (and everyone) to be "stuck". I don't want to be anywhere but in Him and of service to Him and I can't do that while I am stuck in this.
To my friends and fellow posters, Please pray that I receive God's wisdom and courage to move past this!!



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