Controlling your mind as a single (Full Version)

All Forums >> [People] >> Men Only



Message

Rob11 -> Controlling your mind as a single (6/28/2009 9:23:13 PM)

Hello all. New member so hopefully I’m posting in the right place and such.

My question pertains to “Every Man’s Battle”, but I will try to phrase it for anyone who hasn’t read it. In specific it refers to the section about controlling your mind (Your Mustang Mind). Basically, in the book the author says that when you are attracted to someone (coworker, neighbor, etc.) you should avoid them and get them out of your mind till the attraction phase calms down, then maybe you can have a friendship with them. As I read this it seemed more geared towards married men and not singles (which I am).

So my question for the guys on here is how do you address attractions with women you are around without crossing into dangerous lust as a single? On the surface I would think these attractions are good as long as the woman in question is a good match for you. I mean, how else are we supposed to find our future wife? Any insight would be awesome.

Thanks guys,
Rob



IamLibertarian -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 12:18:15 AM)

Well, as a 20 yr old single male, it is difficult. I work at Olive Garden while going to college and work with MANY good looking females. I'm a Christian, but I have had sex before, and have "hooked up" with quite a few girls in my past. This as all before I really came to Christ, which was just recently.

I still flirt with most every girl at work, mostly innocent, but sometimes it gets a little beyond that when they bite back, haha. This area is difficult with me, as at my age my hormones are raging and I love women.

I guess I really dont have a direct answer for you but Id love to hear what other guys think and do, and ill jump in the convo from there.



DaveW -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 9:08:22 AM)

I personally disagree with SOME of what is in the "Every ___'s Battle" books. Much of it is pretty good.

You need to come to a good biblical definition of what contstitutes sinful "lust" and exactly how that applies to the scripture that says to lust after a woman is commiting adultery.

IMO, the church has defined the word too broadly. I do not think that being attracted, even sexually attracted, would constitute sinful lust. Letting things go beyond the attraction may constitute lust, where you start daydreaming or fantasizing and getting aroused from it.



IamLibertarian -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 2:22:48 PM)

I find it interesting that the Bible does not give a solid definition of lust, being as this is (one of) the main pitfall(s) for man, and throughout the Bible it was devastating to man.



DaveW -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 3:26:58 PM)

quote:

I find it interesting that the Bible does not give a solid definition of lust,
The bible was not written to be a theological text book. It was practical instruction on how to live.

The greek for 'lust,' epithumeo, literally means a strong desire, good or bad. Since the passage in Matt 5.28 is surrounded by other 10 commandment issues, this one seems to be relating this kind of epithumeo to coveting, i.e. he (my neighbor) has HER but I want HER. It is not a general sexual desire but focused on a married (hence 'adultery') individual.



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 3:29:25 PM)

I started this book also, haven't gotten too far into yet. I am also reading "The Measure of A Man". In this book, the author goes into the lust topic, and I found his thinking to be logical. He quotes Matthew 5:27-28 and delves into it further.

"With lust for her"means not only to desire a woman in an illicit sexual relationship but also to think in terms of how to cause it to happen. This differentiates temptation from lust or sin."

he then says

"But to be tempted is not a sin. Temptation, however, can quickly lead to sin. Any man who deliberately enjoys and pursues an illegitimate sexual relationship with a woman in his mind has, in God's sight, already committed an immoral act. This kind of fantasy world is off limits for a man who desires to follow God fully."-Gene Getz

Basically, what it comes down to,is we as men will be tempted on a continual basis. This temptation is not sin. But, if we let the temptation simmer, it will soon boil over. Meaning, that if we don't put it in check, toss the temptation aside to the obedience of Christ, that temptation will carry us off into lust, which is sin.

As men, we are visual beings. We look at an attractive woman. That is natural for us to do. But from that initial glance, what happens next. Do we look again....no. Do we fantasize about her...no. Do we think of ways to pursue her....no.

We will look once, but not twice. We will look once and have it end there. Our goal is to think on things that are beneficial to our faith. Like Paul says in Philippians 4:8

" Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. "

It will be difficult, know this. It will be really difficult, especially in our world where the ladies are half naked or wearing skin tight outfits all the time. But we must.

The one thing that has helped me do this, other than memorizing the above verse from Philippians, is to view all women as your sister. I will repeat, VIEW ALL WOMEN AS YOUR SISTER.

If you are looking to date someone, this may help keep your hormones in check so you can get to know her, and stop wondering what her body is like.

That is my advice. I hope it helps.

It is good to get involved with men at church who you can be accountable to in this area. They may be able to help you out in this area of trouble.



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 3:33:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuckonline

Well, as a 20 yr old single male, it is difficult. I work at Olive Garden while going to college and work with MANY good looking females. I'm a Christian, but I have had sex before, and have "hooked up" with quite a few girls in my past. This as all before I really came to Christ, which was just recently.

I still flirt with most every girl at work, mostly innocent, but sometimes it gets a little beyond that when they bite back, haha. This area is difficult with me, as at my age my hormones are raging and I love women.

I guess I really dont have a direct answer for you but Id love to hear what other guys think and do, and ill jump in the convo from there.

Tuck, how are you?

One thing, and please take this as a little friendly advice, not judgment....I would try, and I stress try on your part, to stop flirting with the girls you work with. Or with any woman for that matter.

You may be ok with this, but if one of these ladies starts flirting back, and offers herself to you, you may find yourself in a bit of a predicament. Know what I mean.

Flirting can be harmless, but so can lighting a match. Sexual flirtation can spread out of control real fast, like a small flame into a raging fire.

Again, just some advice. Hope you can accept it without getting offended.

Take care, and may God almighty bless you and keep you.



IamLibertarian -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 3:35:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaveW

quote:

I find it interesting that the Bible does not give solid definition of lust,
The bible was not written to be a theological text book. It was practical instruction on how to live.

The greek for 'lust,' epithumeo, literally means a strong desire, good or bad. Since the passage in Matt 5.28 is surrounded by other 10 commandment issues, this one seems to be relating this kind of epithumeo to coveting, i.e. he (my neighbor) has HER but I want HER. It is not a general sexual desire but focused on a married (hence 'adultery') individual.


Interesting, thank you.



IamLibertarian -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 3:39:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuckonline

Well, as a 20 yr old single male, it is difficult. I work at Olive Garden while going to college and work with MANY good looking females. I'm a Christian, but I have had sex before, and have "hooked up" with quite a few girls in my past. This as all before I really came to Christ, which was just recently.

I still flirt with most every girl at work, mostly innocent, but sometimes it gets a little beyond that when they bite back, haha. This area is difficult with me, as at my age my hormones are raging and I love women.

I guess I really dont have a direct answer for you but Id love to hear what other guys think and do, and ill jump in the convo from there.

Tuck, how are you?

One thing, and please take this as a little friendly advice, not judgment....I would try, and I stress try on your part, to stop flirting with the girls you work with. Or with any woman for that matter.

You may be ok with this, but if one of these ladies starts flirting back, and offers herself to you, you may find yourself in a bit of a predicament. Know what I mean.

Flirting can be harmless, but so can lighting a match. Sexual flirtation can spread out of control real fast, like a small flame into a raging fire.

Again, just some advice. Hope you can accept it without getting offended.

Take care, and may God almighty bless you and keep you.


SavedbyGraceMD, no offense taken at all. I have found this has been (one of) my weakest points as a Christian. I know I would have sex/sexual relations before marriage again, even though I know it's wrong. This is why I have been trying to find a good Christian girl to date so she can keep me in line, lol.

The flirting can and definitely has lead to things which shouldnt have happened, but the worst part is, I dont have too much remorse over it. I know it's wrong in God's eyes which is all that matters, but geez, being 20 yrs old and around sooo much beauty its hard to keep things under control.



JHerr -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 4:06:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuckonline



SavedbyGraceMD, no offense taken at all. I have found this has been (one of) my weakest points as a Christian. I know I would have sex/sexual relations before marriage again, even though I know it's wrong. This is why I have been trying to find a good Christian girl to date so she can keep me in line, lol.

The flirting can and definitely has lead to things which shouldnt have happened, but the worst part is, I dont have too much remorse over it. I know it's wrong in God's eyes which is all that matters, but geez, being 20 yrs old and around sooo much beauty its hard to keep things under control.


Because of the sentence I placed in bold, I think you should stay away from any romantic relationship for awhile. Not trying to offend you, but the way it appears to me is like saying you know that you have no control over yourself. If you get into a relationship with a Christian woman, when you have no control, you are doing nothing but tempting HER.

I would advise taking some time away from any relationships, and focus more on getting your life in sync with Christ.

Edited to add:
Also, reading over your other posts and threads, you're only 20! Take some time to grow in God! Put relationships on hold, your relationship with Christ is more important, and more demanding. Get yourself squared away with him, and then worry about a romantic relationship.

And get your butt in church [;)]



IamLibertarian -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 5:34:59 PM)

haha, thanks for the post JHerr.

Is sex different than oral sex according to the Bible? I don't want to turn this into some love shack thread, but I just don't see myself being able to control every aspect of my hormones, as I am not sure most men, even strong men in Christ can. Especially since I don't see myself getting married for quite some time. I agree abstaining from sex is good (required) according to God before marriage, but what about other sexual relations?



Rob11 -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 6:09:01 PM)

Thank you all for the replies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

The one thing that has helped me do this, other than memorizing the above verse from Philippians, is to view all women as your sister. I will repeat, VIEW ALL WOMEN AS YOUR SISTER.

If you are looking to date someone, this may help keep your hormones in check so you can get to know her, and stop wondering what her body is like.


This makes a lot of sense to me. It seemed to me that "Every Man's Battle" was saying if you are attracted to someone stay away, but I think that only applies if you are married. But with this advice of thinking of them as your sister it allows you to get to know them without really lusting after them. How does this play out if the relationship really begins to take off (in an emotional sense, not physical)?

quote:

ORIGINAL: JHerr
And get your butt in church [;)]


lol [:D]

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuckonline

haha, thanks for the post JHerr.

Is sex different than oral sex according to the Bible? I don't want to turn this into some love shack thread, but I just don't see myself being able to control every aspect of my hormones, as I am not sure most men, even strong men in Christ can. Especially since I don't see myself getting married for quite some time. I agree abstaining from sex is good (required) according to God before marriage, but what about other sexual relations?


Since I'm only 23 I'm probably not the most experienced to reply, but I'll give it a shot. From my experience I would say anything that could be considered sexual or fore play should be left for marriage. I think when you engage in this kind of stuff you give something to that girl you can't get back. Before I was a christian I pushed the line a bit, never went over. However, this still effects me and my relationship with women (romantic or otherwise). So, I think these things should be avoided. This is just my experience though, so take it with a grain of salt. Now for controlling every aspect of your hormones...I have no idea [:)]. I'll let someone else field that one.



JHerr -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 6:10:24 PM)

Note: Before continuing to read, I place a PG-17 note on this post due to subject matter.

I want you to look at those words SEX and oral SEX.

It is a SEXUAL act. And it does the same thing. I believe there is even a verse that says sexual relations, not just sex. Also, there is a scripture where Jesus says "You've heard it said not to commit adultery. But I tell you, that whomever looks at a woman as if to lust after her, has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Take it from me, I was sexually active before coming to Christ. I have since, COMPLETELY abstained from ANYTHING pertaining to sex. No sex, no oral, not even masturbation. Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

You put yourself in HIS arms, and you can do it. Christ is standing at your shoulder saying "You can do this, I know you can!" but you are letting your own humanity cloud it and making your own obstacles.



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 6:30:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rob11

Thank you all for the replies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

The one thing that has helped me do this, other than memorizing the above verse from Philippians, is to view all women as your sister. I will repeat, VIEW ALL WOMEN AS YOUR SISTER.

If you are looking to date someone, this may help keep your hormones in check so you can get to know her, and stop wondering what her body is like.


This makes a lot of sense to me. It seemed to me that "Every Man's Battle" was saying if you are attracted to someone stay away, but I think that only applies if you are married. But with this advice of thinking of them as your sister it allows you to get to know them without really lusting after them. How does this play out if the relationship really begins to take off (in an emotional sense, not physical)?

Ha, I was just talking about this with someone else.

I agree, at some point, once you know a woman, and feelings come into play, you can and should start seeing her as a potential wife. Attraction physically is unavoidable. But when you get to the place of emotional, and spiritual attraction, that is where things get serious. It is difficult at a young age to do. Getting to know someone first, before we let the physical side come in to play.

But I would say that when you get passed her beauty, and get to know her, for who she is, and who she wants to be, when you can see her worth as a woman, at that point you can expand on how you view her. She no longer looks as a sister in the Lord, and she begins to look like a future Mrs. And I can most definitely say, that you will never find a more attractive woman, than a woman who loves the Lord.

I hope every1 can understand all of this.



JHerr -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 6:35:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD


Ha, I was just talking about this with someone else.

I agree, at some point, once you know a woman, and feelings come into play, you can and should start seeing her as a potential wife. Attraction physically is unavoidable. But when you get to the place of emotional, and spiritual attraction, that is where things get serious. It is difficult at a young age to do. Getting to know someone first, before we let the physical side come in to play.

But I would say that when you get passed her beauty, and get to know her, for who she is, and who she wants to be, when you can see her worth as a woman, at that point you can expand on how you view her. She no longer looks as a sister in the Lord, and she begins to look like a future Mrs. And I can most definitely say, that you will never find a more attractive woman, than a woman who loves the Lord.

I hope every1 can understand all of this.


applaud!



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 6:35:30 PM)

Tuck,

I would suggest watching this if you really want to get a better understanding of how a young Christian man should act.
It is 66 minutes long, so if you have the time, or break it up into pieces and watch a little at a time.

HERE'S

Trust me, I know where you are coming from. Women are beautiful. And we desire to be with them.

But I agree with JHerr, until you get your walk with the Lord squared away, I would avoid relationships.

It will be hard, as it is with all men. But you can do it.



jn1010lf -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 9:00:15 PM)

Hello Rob11

I may be out lf line by posting on this particular thread. I am 72 and have learned a lot, both the easy way and the hard way.

If a man lusts as a single guy, he will also lust as a married one. So for single or married, a buy needs to learn to walk in the Spirit. This is of vital importance because the lust of the flesh can make any relationship look like love when it's only fleshly lust.

So, the way to answer any question of this nature is to learn to walk in the Spirit and let the Holy Spirit determine your ways and relationships.



Rob11 -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/29/2009 9:39:39 PM)

Thanks for the wisdom and advice SavedByGraceMD and JHerr.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jn1010lf

Hello Rob11

I may be out lf line by posting on this particular thread. I am 72 and have learned a lot, both the easy way and the hard way.

If a man lusts as a single guy, he will also lust as a married one. So for single or married, a buy needs to learn to walk in the Spirit. This is of vital importance because the lust of the flesh can make any relationship look like love when it's only fleshly lust.

So, the way to answer any question of this nature is to learn to walk in the Spirit and let the Holy Spirit determine your ways and relationships.


jn1010, not out of line at all! Thanks for the advice!



DaveW -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/30/2009 6:16:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tuckonline

Is sex different than oral sex according to the Bible? I don't want to turn this into some love shack thread, but I just don't see myself being able to control every aspect of my hormones, as I am not sure most men, even strong men in Christ can. Especially since I don't see myself getting married for quite some time. I agree abstaining from sex is good (required) according to God before marriage, but what about other sexual relations?
In 1 corinthians, Paul speaks of not going to prostitutes as you become "one flesh" with her. From what I have gleaned, the reason sex outside of marriage is forbidden is because on some psycological and spiritual level you get linked to the person you are having sex with (no matter WHAT kind of sexual expression it is) and that kind of linkage without the covenant of marriage is very damaging when it eventually comes apart.

To specifically answer the question: no. no difference between oral sex and regular intercourse from a moral or biblical standpoint.



nuclear_sidewalk -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (6/30/2009 11:13:05 PM)

Just as an aside, Andy Stanley's Twisted series makes an excellent point about sex. In our world, sex has become an "activity," rather than "becoming one flesh." It's a huge deal in the Bible, while the world makes it out to be recreational. Talk about exchanging the truth of God for a lie, eh?

Glad to hear you've put your faith in Christ, Tuck. It sounds like you should dive into God's word, find a good local church, and work on spiritual growth. I remember what it was like to be 20, as it was just a few years ago for me. Heck, I'm still only 26. Anyway, a Christian man who is weak in facing sexual temptation will likely bring a Christian girl into sin, so I can't recommend looking for a girl. (for a while, at least)

Aside from the sin aspect, which is pretty obvious, also think about it in another sense. Assuming you want to be married to a Christ-following woman some day, do you really want anything else to have to confess to her? You can't control what you've done in the past, but you can control what you do from now on. It's the idea of seeking purity, even if you've already foregone virginity. Hang in there, both of you. (Rob & Tuck)



IamLibertarian -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (7/1/2009 12:05:28 AM)

Thanks all for the great advice. As much as I didnt want to hear it, maybe I should "avoid" girls for a wee bit till I get myself aligned....*sigh* [X(]



JHerr -> RE: Controlling your mind as a single (7/1/2009 5:57:28 PM)

Hey, it's might be best for ya Tuck. I've done it, it get's easier, trust me!



Page: [1]



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI