Young children and anger (Full Version)

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Skyescraper -> Young children and anger (6/29/2009 1:17:56 AM)

What is an appropriate way to teach a child to express anger? My 6-year old son has always had a temper and I punish him if he hits other children, slams the door or stamps his feet... but I was wondering, what IS an appropriate way for him to express how he feels? I don't want him to break things or hurt other people, and yet his feelings are very real and I don't want to dismiss them or teach him to stuff them. Also, what can I do to help him handle his anger? He becomes angry many times a day for various reasons - he didn't win a game, or his sister did something he didn't like, or he wants something he can't have at the moment... sometimes he gets angry because he is jealous of another kid for having something he wants, like a Nintendo DS. No one else in the family has a temper like this and both girls are relatively easygoing. Thankfully he gets over it pretty quickly. When he was a baby and he threw a tantrum, we put him in his crib till he got over it. He would scream and flail for a while, and then stop and we would get him out. Even now at times when he starts to get angry I tell him to go sit on his bed for a little while till he can get control of himself and 'talk nicely.' Then when he is ready to talk nicely he can come out of his room. However, there are times when his temper really flares up when we are out, or for some reason unable to send him to his room. Also, we can't always predict when he's going to get angry.

I would appreciate any ideas for helping him .



monicaleap -> RE: Young children and anger (6/29/2009 2:08:45 AM)

First, it's important for you to realize that there isn't anything wrong with your son. Our personalities are all different and where he has a flaw in this area, you may discover later on in his life that he's gifted in an area that others lack. That being said, he does need a healthy outlet for his frustrations. Look into martial arts in your area. This has done wonders for kids like yours that have that built up frustration that they need to let out. Talk to the sen-say prior to your son starting and tell him your concerns about his temper. The sen-say will know how to teach your son. Trust me, it works. God Bless.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (6/29/2009 10:17:47 AM)

Thanks, Monica - that's a great idea.



bolt. -> RE: Young children and anger (6/29/2009 10:35:41 AM)

You could also give him a "frustration toolbox" of things and activities.

Possibilities:

A bungie cord (no hooks) to tug between his hands
A nerf ball to scrunch furiously
A 'free pass' to go outisde an run, flail, jump, throw and kick a ball etc.
A 'free pass' to a space in the house to shout about his frustration without disturbing the household
Paper & pencil crayons to draw an angry picture (scribble furiously)
A roll of duct tape to tear and add to his collage
A placemat of piece of fabric that he likes -- to sit on and call his 'calm spot'
Bubbles to blow as he tries to calm his breathing
A re-usable baloon or whoopie coushin (blowing and squishing and even punching, plus comic relief too!)
Books to read if he wants to distract himself
A building toy that requires fine balance, but could also be satifying to knock over
A game of focus -- like one of those balls-rolling-around in a plastic case things

... lots of stuff.

Then make it his buisiness to notice when he is getting frustrated (pre anger) and take his toolbox and deal with himself before he gets out of hand. If he does get out of hand, once he is returning to normal state, require him to choose one or two of the calmer end activites and show you that he knows how to calm himself down. Then, very specifically, help him remember what the pre-anger felt like, and have him make a 'good plan' for next time he feels that way.



merlethepearl -> RE: Young children and anger (6/29/2009 3:13:51 PM)

Teach him how to use his words to communicate his feelings in an acceptable way. Most people adults and children allow anger to build up because they do not know the correct way to verbally voice anger as an outlet. Merle



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (6/29/2009 8:38:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: merlethepearl

Teach him how to use his words to communicate his feelings in an acceptable way. Most people adults and children allow anger to build up because they do not know the correct way to verbally voice anger as an outlet. Merle

When he started to talk we taught him to say "that makes me angry" or "I feel angry." But he was saying it so much, we started regretting teaching him those words. Plus, we didn't know what to do next, with the information he was sharing, about how angry he felt. Most of the time he was angry because he wasn't getting his way or because he was frustrated; valid reasons, but we wondered if he needed some kind of outlet, in addition to putting words to his feelings. And it's the same now. He gets mad pretty often, and we need to help him learn how to calm himself down rather than give in to his anger and hit something or someone, or stomp around the house, or scream at us.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (6/29/2009 8:40:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bolt.

You could also give him a "frustration toolbox" of things and activities.

Possibilities:

A bungie cord (no hooks) to tug between his hands
A nerf ball to scrunch furiously
A 'free pass' to go outisde an run, flail, jump, throw and kick a ball etc.
A 'free pass' to a space in the house to shout about his frustration without disturbing the household
Paper & pencil crayons to draw an angry picture (scribble furiously)
A roll of duct tape to tear and add to his collage
A placemat of piece of fabric that he likes -- to sit on and call his 'calm spot'
Bubbles to blow as he tries to calm his breathing
A re-usable baloon or whoopie coushin (blowing and squishing and even punching, plus comic relief too!)
Books to read if he wants to distract himself
A building toy that requires fine balance, but could also be satifying to knock over
A game of focus -- like one of those balls-rolling-around in a plastic case things

... lots of stuff.

Then make it his buisiness to notice when he is getting frustrated (pre anger) and take his toolbox and deal with himself before he gets out of hand. If he does get out of hand, once he is returning to normal state, require him to choose one or two of the calmer end activites and show you that he knows how to calm himself down. Then, very specifically, help him remember what the pre-anger felt like, and have him make a 'good plan' for next time he feels that way.
These are some great ideas! Thanks! Sounds like you might have some experience with this issue...[;)]



doinkdom -> RE: Young children and anger (6/30/2009 2:36:02 PM)

My grandson is 6 years old and grandpa recently had a self-control talk with him about his temper. With his parents approval of course...

We do not tolerate angry outbursts...and there are always consequences for them. Our grandson is 6, well beyond the piano-playing-chicken-phase of behavior development. He is fully aware of his bad behavior. He can handle self control and is learning to use it without having to deal with consequences for his outbursts.

At least for him, it would seem consistency is key. From everyone...parents and grandparents.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (6/30/2009 11:26:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

My grandson is 6 years old and grandpa recently had a self-control talk with him about his temper. With his parents approval of course...

We do not tolerate angry outbursts...and there are always consequences for them. Our grandson is 6, well beyond the piano-playing-chicken-phase of behavior development. He is fully aware of his bad behavior. He can handle self control and is learning to use it without having to deal with consequences for his outbursts.

At least for him, it would seem consistency is key. From everyone...parents and grandparents.

Would you be willing to share some specifics about this? What kinds of consequences are you talking about, and how does your grandson control himself - does he have a certain thing he repeats to himself, or do you talk with him, does he go outside and run around, etc.? It is great that he has self control, but it would be helpful to me to understand how you helped him get to that point. I don't want to tolerate angry outbursts either, and am looking for help to handle them. Thanks.



doinkdom -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 11:41:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyescraper
quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

My grandson is 6 years old and grandpa recently had a self-control talk with him about his temper. With his parents approval of course...

We do not tolerate angry outbursts...and there are always consequences for them. Our grandson is 6, well beyond the piano-playing-chicken-phase of behavior development. He is fully aware of his bad behavior. He can handle self control and is learning to use it without having to deal with consequences for his outbursts.

At least for him, it would seem consistency is key. From everyone...parents and grandparents.

Would you be willing to share some specifics about this? What kinds of consequences are you talking about, and how does your grandson control himself - does he have a certain thing he repeats to himself, or do you talk with him, does he go outside and run around, etc.? It is great that he has self control, but it would be helpful to me to understand how you helped him get to that point. I don't want to tolerate angry outbursts either, and am looking for help to handle them. Thanks.


Well...this might not be the most popular thinking, but it is biblical for us.

Self-control is something we have to practice, so it's reminding him when we see him getting a little tense about self-control. It's letting him talk out why he's getting angry, etc. It's being attentive to catch it before it erupts. I know that's hard when you have more than a couple of kids to watch.

When he blatantly refuses to exhibit self-control - stomping, turning his back, etc., we treat it as rebellion - and he has already been told that.

In our family, rebellion against our authority is also rebellion against God's authority as we are God's instrument in that child's life. The result is a spanking and followup up immediately with restoration. We don't drag it out and make it a huge event. It's dealt with quickly, decisively and then we're done.

I know that goes against much of what is talked about, but he knows exactly where he stands - there is no gray area to confuse him. As he gets older, it will change. The spankings will stop and because he's a little boy - the push-ups will begin. The physical exercise will be good for him and the discipline will certainly help him focus.

I'm not saying this is the only remedy and really don't want this to offend someone else just coming into the conversation.



peace77 -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 12:53:04 PM)

I'm curious about this topic too.

What do you think of allowing an angry child to hit a pillow or a bounce back toy such as this one Link ?



Anne



bolt. -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 12:59:05 PM)

I consider "violence" against objects that can not be damaged to be preferable to violence against self, others or objects that can be damaged. So, if hitting was an issue, I'd consider this to be a step up -- channeling the urge to hit towards a specific thing, without the intent to damage it.

However, to me that would be a stop-gap measure, a stepping stone towards some kind of satisfying physical exertion that is not violent in nature. I'm not sure at what age I would use that stop-gap, or how long I would allow it to continue, but in a serious situation, I would include it as one step of a plan to get past hitting entirely.



GraceyGirl -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 1:06:19 PM)

In our home, we also deal with angry outbursts as rebellion and defiance. If you turn your back on me, stomp away, slam doors, scream at me, etc, that falls under that category. And our consequences also are a swift spanking, followed by re-instruction.

My kids are hosed though. Their daddy is a Marine, I'm a former 1st sgt and a therapist. We run a strict house, but also put a lot of techniques into play that I use in my practice.

For instance, in our house, you are certainly allowed to express your anger and dissatisfaction verbally. What you are NOT allowed to do however is use your voice to control others, or hurt someone else. An example of this would be my 12 year old telling me, "I don't feel like you're listening to me and it makes me really mad." What is NOT acceptable is, "You NEVER listen to me! I hate you!!" See the difference? Our children are not disciplined for speaking their hearts or minds - ever. But they are disciplined for HOW they express that if it's inappropriate.

I believe that you can raise a child to feel confident in their expressions, all the while maintaing order and calm in your home too.

Something to think about - and you've given no indication of this - but often children will model what they see and hear. It's possible your son has picked up this display of anger from somewhere else.



bolt. -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 3:26:12 PM)

In our home we still accept stomping, slamming and screaming in frustration, as long as it is on the way to my dd;s room to deal with it properly. She;s four, and I do expect to phase it out sooner or later.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 11:03:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peace77

I'm curious about this topic too.

What do you think of allowing an angry child to hit a pillow or a bounce back toy such as this one Link ?



Anne

At first this seems like an ok idea, but then I wonder, what happens if he gets angry and the object he is used to hitting is not available? Like, if we are out or he's at someone else's home, or something. And, when he's older, what if he starts punching walls? I don't want to raise a boy who has to hit something to get out his frustration.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 11:10:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

Well...this might not be the most popular thinking, but it is biblical for us.

Self-control is something we have to practice, so it's reminding him when we see him getting a little tense about self-control. It's letting him talk out why he's getting angry, etc. It's being attentive to catch it before it erupts. I know that's hard when you have more than a couple of kids to watch.

When he blatantly refuses to exhibit self-control - stomping, turning his back, etc., we treat it as rebellion - and he has already been told that.

In our family, rebellion against our authority is also rebellion against God's authority as we are God's instrument in that child's life. The result is a spanking and followup up immediately with restoration. We don't drag it out and make it a huge event. It's dealt with quickly, decisively and then we're done.

I know that goes against much of what is talked about, but he knows exactly where he stands - there is no gray area to confuse him. As he gets older, it will change. The spankings will stop and because he's a little boy - the push-ups will begin. The physical exercise will be good for him and the discipline will certainly help him focus.

I'm not saying this is the only remedy and really don't want this to offend someone else just coming into the conversation.

I'm not at all offended by your post, and I believe in spanking as well, in certain instances. However, in this particular case, with this child, spanking often causes more anger and more frustration and then the issue becomes the spanking itself and getting him calmed down enough to be able to receive a spanking. I really want to help him learn how to handle his anger appropriately and learn to deal with the feelings when they rise up in him. So, I really like the pushups idea, because that's something physical he can do that doesn't affect anyone else, and he can continue to do that (or some other form of exercise) the rest of his life, if necessary.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 11:14:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl

In our home, we also deal with angry outbursts as rebellion and defiance. If you turn your back on me, stomp away, slam doors, scream at me, etc, that falls under that category. And our consequences also are a swift spanking, followed by re-instruction.

My kids are hosed though. Their daddy is a Marine, I'm a former 1st sgt and a therapist. We run a strict house, but also put a lot of techniques into play that I use in my practice.

For instance, in our house, you are certainly allowed to express your anger and dissatisfaction verbally. What you are NOT allowed to do however is use your voice to control others, or hurt someone else. An example of this would be my 12 year old telling me, "I don't feel like you're listening to me and it makes me really mad." What is NOT acceptable is, "You NEVER listen to me! I hate you!!" See the difference? Our children are not disciplined for speaking their hearts or minds - ever. But they are disciplined for HOW they express that if it's inappropriate.

I believe that you can raise a child to feel confident in their expressions, all the while maintaing order and calm in your home too.

Something to think about - and you've given no indication of this - but often children will model what they see and hear. It's possible your son has picked up this display of anger from somewhere else.

Thanks for your comments. I just wondered, what do you mean by 'our children are hosed'? My first thought was that you spray them with a hose... sorry, I don't mean to joke, but is that literally what you meant? Sometimes with small children I suppose a dash of cold water could help them snap out of it if they are doing something bad...! I hadn't thought of it, though.



peace77 -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 11:19:00 PM)

Actually, I considered hitting pillows or non-breakable things as one that could be added to the list in post #4, another possible solution that would be given to a child.

Agree with Bolt's comments that it would best be a stop gap measure on the way to self-control.

If the child is at that step and finds themself angry at another person's home, I'm sure they could find another pillow, couch, or something else soft that wouldn't be damaged.

It does not have to follow that a young child who deals with anger by hitting a pillow grows up to be a teenager or adult who hits walls.


peace,
Anne



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (7/1/2009 11:24:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peace77

Actually, I considered hitting pillows or non-breakable things as one that could be added to the list in post #4, another possible solution that would be given to a child.

Agree with Bolt's comments that it would best be a stop gap measure on the way to self-control.

If the child is at that step and finds themself angry at another person's home, I'm sure they could find another pillow, couch, or something else soft that wouldn't be damaged.

It does not have to follow that a young child who deals with anger by hitting a pillow grows up to be a teenager or adult who hits walls.


peace,
Anne

Thanks for your comments. I'm just concerned that hitting anything could be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps not... maybe someone experiened with it could tell us. I haven't encouraged my son to do it because of my concern.



bolt. -> RE: Young children and anger (7/2/2009 10:04:05 AM)

quote:

I'm just concerned that hitting anything could be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps not... maybe someone experienced with it could tell us. I haven't encouraged my son to do it because of my concern.

quote:

My 6-year old son has always had a temper and I punish him if he hits other children, slams the door or stamps his feet
If I understood your OP correctly, your son already has a habit of hitting 'things' -- including people, and it may well be difficult to break. If it does prove particularly hard to break completely, one of the steps in moving forward would be to introduce, firstly, the skill of choosing a target that is not a person (or a living creature) and is neither breakable nor valuable. Once he develops that level of control, then one would proceed with choosing a flailing without actually hitting anything, and then transitioning into exercise-based expression.

Of course he might easily redirect directly into exercise, but, if not, then the couple of intermediate stop-gaps are workable steps to getting where you ultimately want to be.



doinkdom -> RE: Young children and anger (7/2/2009 10:29:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skyescraper

quote:

ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl

In our home, we also deal with angry outbursts as rebellion and defiance. If you turn your back on me, stomp away, slam doors, scream at me, etc, that falls under that category. And our consequences also are a swift spanking, followed by re-instruction.

My kids are hosed though. Their daddy is a Marine, I'm a former 1st sgt and a therapist. We run a strict house, but also put a lot of techniques into play that I use in my practice.

For instance, in our house, you are certainly allowed to express your anger and dissatisfaction verbally. What you are NOT allowed to do however is use your voice to control others, or hurt someone else. An example of this would be my 12 year old telling me, "I don't feel like you're listening to me and it makes me really mad." What is NOT acceptable is, "You NEVER listen to me! I hate you!!" See the difference? Our children are not disciplined for speaking their hearts or minds - ever. But they are disciplined for HOW they express that if it's inappropriate.

I believe that you can raise a child to feel confident in their expressions, all the while maintaing order and calm in your home too.

Something to think about - and you've given no indication of this - but often children will model what they see and hear. It's possible your son has picked up this display of anger from somewhere else.

Thanks for your comments. I just wondered, what do you mean by 'our children are hosed'? My first thought was that you spray them with a hose... sorry, I don't mean to joke, but is that literally what you meant? Sometimes with small children I suppose a dash of cold water could help them snap out of it if they are doing something bad...! I hadn't thought of it, though.


[:D]Not to speak for GraceyGirl, but I think she meant that her kids don't stand a chance with all the military discipline already around them. They will behave.



Row1 -> RE: Young children and anger (7/2/2009 11:23:36 AM)

there is a lot of great advice here.
i want to add:
when a little kid is angry, you can be sympathetic, including a lot of physical contact: patting his back, hug, hand-holding. plus, look him in the eye.
with emotional stuff, for kids and big people - we usually quiet down once we feel understood, even if we don't get waht we want.

after some human-to-human contact, then you can move on to whatver else - punishment, making the kid apologize, helping to re-direct the boy, or whatver else.

i don't believe a whole lot in the idea of getting an angry kid to get aggressive with an object in stead of a person - that is called the 'hydraulic' theory of anger - like a hydraulic system like our car breaks or a radiator heating system, pressure build up, and needs to be released somewhere by some safety valve.

we humans are NOT like that. We get angry because of our perceptions of being treated bad. Unfairly, cheated, ignored, etc.

I deal with this every day, since I have my views of how I should be treated by family members - I get angry - but I get some perspective, I count my blessings, and I think about hope - I don;t know what the future holds, but I know it is good, because God is involved.

So, I calm myself down without having to take my anger and pull on a bungee cord or hit a boxing bag.

So, I would add: have some personal connection when this boy gets mad.

But also insist that he behave properly. You can say - OK, now it is time to calm down. You can't have the toy. Go pick another one, or you can go to your room.

--then - make sure to be consistent, and to follow thru with any promises or threats!



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (7/2/2009 1:45:41 PM)

Row1, could you share more specifically how you calm yourself down? do you mean that you think about your blessings, etc. and that helps you calm down... or is there something else you also do (or did in the past, before you figured out how to calm down)? Thanks.



Skyescraper -> RE: Young children and anger (7/2/2009 1:53:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bolt.

quote:

I'm just concerned that hitting anything could be a difficult habit to break. Perhaps not... maybe someone experienced with it could tell us. I haven't encouraged my son to do it because of my concern.

quote:

My 6-year old son has always had a temper and I punish him if he hits other children, slams the door or stamps his feet
If I understood your OP correctly, your son already has a habit of hitting 'things' -- including people, and it may well be difficult to break. If it does prove particularly hard to break completely, one of the steps in moving forward would be to introduce, firstly, the skill of choosing a target that is not a person (or a living creature) and is neither breakable nor valuable. Once he develops that level of control, then one would proceed with choosing a flailing without actually hitting anything, and then transitioning into exercise-based expression.

Of course he might easily redirect directly into exercise, but, if not, then the couple of intermediate stop-gaps are workable steps to getting where you ultimately want to be.

Yes, Bolt, he has hit other kids at times, although mostly what he does is stamp around, yell and scream and sometimes he used to slam the door (which we solved by taking the door off its hinges for a while... when we put it back on he did not do it anymore). I didn't consider stamping feet or slamming 'hitting', but now that I think of it, yes, it is! I suppose that's part of the reason I don't want him hitting something else. I would just like there to be no hitting (violence) of any kind. But doing push-ups, squeezing a ball, or pulling a bungee cord seems different to me, and I like those ideas. Also, I like the idea of scribbling an 'angry picture', as well.

I appreciate your help with this. I am very thoughtfully considering everyone's replies and ideas.



nancyq22 -> RE: Young children and anger (7/22/2009 2:49:21 AM)

Thank you for your advice. I have a 6 year old whom has little "temper" outbursts, but unfortunately - has seen a few from me. [:(] *First time parent, but don't worry - I know this is not an excuse for this behavior! [:o] But I am going to tell him they are unacceptable & start giving him consequences to his outburts. I will also remind him that what I have shown him in the past is wrong & that God doesn't like children or parents who do not show 'self-control'! I will also listen to why he does sometimes - gets so upset over "little" things. Oh the joy of parenthood. [:D] Thank goodness God is patient with us every single day - just to remind us to do the same with our own children! [;)]



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