|
|
|
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/9/2009 8:00:07 PM
|
|
|
W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
Status: offline
|
I don't think everyone is saying that disrespect is normal...but while it is a sin...so is driving one's children to the point of disrespect...and if all they ever hear is how cute they were and how wonderful they WERE when they were little ...and nothing positive is said or sought out to do with them now...that is driving them to sin.
Which means not only are the children in sin, but so is the parent who drove them there.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/10/2009 3:27:21 PM
|
|
|
shadowspring
Posts: 620
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: online
|
I feel like I can only post from the perspective of my family and our issues, so that's what I will do.
In my family, the biggest problem with my teenage daughter's disrespect and at times outright hatred was my my husband's tacit approval. So what appeared to be a problem with mom and daughter was actually a marriage issue.
Life can be so complicated. 
Once my husband and I repaired our relationship, things changed with my daughter and me. At first she was angry that he had renewed affection for me. She confessed that she was jealous, afraid she would lose her special relationship with Dad- the one where he passively dishonored me while she actively dishonored me. *ouch*
But soon she found out that to Dad loving mom was a good thing, and it wasn't just a fad but a life change. She confessed that she had allowed hatred to gain a stronghold in her heart and repented.
Once you have made a habit of sin, it is a long struggle to break totally free. My daughter still speaks disrespectfully to me on occasion, but now there is no tacit approval from Dad. She is quick to repent, and that's a good thing!
By the way, she's 18. She still lives at home when she is not in college. And there is more love in our family now than there was through most of her teen years.
What they say is true: Dad loving mom is the greatest gift he can give his children.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/10/2009 10:06:18 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1469
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
Cynthia, your approach with it as a relational problem is right on.
I do agree that disrespect should not be tolerated but I also think that respect goes two ways. A parent that is openly and vociferously longing for the days a teen was a toddler and adored her is embarrassing. Wanting lots of physical affection in public can be embarrassing as well. I think that parents need to respect that their relationship is changing into something that looks completely different.
My husband's mother still wants to hang all over him and waxes on and on about when he was two and wouldn't leave her side. It is so much that I don't think she sees the amazing grown man standing in front of her. She is so emotionally committed to when he was a baby that she doesn't really have a relationship with him today. She is the same way with her teenage grandkids and they really pull away from her.
SAL67, your analogy was not only hilarious but it is really accurate.
My husbands mother in the same. Always going on about how wonderful things were when they were small, and how happy they all were (they werent). he is now 52 and she STILL hasnt let him go. Praise God that we live on the other side of the world and dont have to see her.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/10/2009 10:19:59 PM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1469
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: monicaleap
My kids are 17, 12 & 11 (Girl-Boy-Girl). We've raised them in a Christian home their whole lives. We're far from perfect parents but we believe we've given them a good home life. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and we just celebrated our 25th anniversary. The reason my heart is breaking is because I can't seem to get out of the frame of mind where I'm focused on how sweet my kids were when they were young - how much they needed and adored me. I know it sounds selfish. I know we train kids up to someday be on their own. But my 17 year old and 12 year old seem to hate me. They don't want me around, they're embarrased by my very existance. I can't even say 'how was your day?" without a short "fine" and then they'll go on and on to someone else. I know how I must sound and I know in my head all the answers to this dillema. I just don't know how to teach it to my heart. They were so sweet and never wanted to be apart from me. It just hurts. I find myself clinging to my 11 year old because she still wants to do things with me. I seem kind of desperate and pathetic and I know she'll change soon, too. So I'm only biding my time. I've obviously put too much of my emotional baggage into my kids and didn't concentrate enough on hobbies for myself. But how do I get myself out of this cycle? I'm literally crying every day, looking at old photos - I really am a pathetic mess....
Not sure what to say as I have never felt the way you do, and have never had the problems that some mothers do of not being able to let their children go. In fact I get great joy at seeing my adult kids being more independant and living their own lives, after all, that is what we bring them up to do.
My husbands ex wife , (they have two young adult boys) is clingy to them and it is affecting them badly. They both still live at home (the eldest is nearly 26), and they know that she doesnt want them to leave.I pray that the apron strings will be cut and that they will be more indepandant.
Your kids sound pretty normal for teenagers. Most teenagers go though times of being embarrased by their parents, dont take it personally.When my daughter was a teenager, she wouldnt sit next to me on the bus to go shopping in case one of her friends saw us. I thought it was funny and never took it personally. Now she is 23 she is almost normal.
Try to see them as being special NOW and stop living in the past. if you REALLY cant get past this then maybe see a counsellor. Your reactions are pretty extreem if you are crying about it every day.Sounds like something is out of balance. You may need help to let go , especially if you are clinging on to your other child as it wont do her/him any good.
One of the worst things a women can cope with is a clingy mother in law (I have one). Get some help now if you can, and ask a mature Christian woman who you trust to pray with you about it.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/11/2009 12:54:01 PM
|
|
|
sen10tious
Posts: 234
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern US
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: SAL67
I remember reading this years ago, and it's helped me now with my 13 yo daughter.
Children As Pets - The Cat Years
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. This was not my experience. I have three children in their 20s.
My puppies never became cats. The closest that I can identify with when using the metaphor is that they grew into hunting dogs and wanted to circle the range; (but dogs find purpose in hunting the range.) I never had to use a shock collar to rein them in because they were running too far afield. They knew to respect the fenceline.
The chief thing—and I see this is very hard for many parents, but personally I was fortified by my determination to not repeat the mistakes of my own mother—was to be continually vigilant about giving them the appropriate amount of freedom.
One key is to be able to respect them and their abilities as God's children, not as "mine." People of all ages respond to being treated with respect. My parenting experience has been one of pleasant surprise that they respected respect and were not embarrassed to return it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SAL67
We invest so much into our kids, it's hard to let them go emotionally, but we need to for our sakes as well as theirs.
For those of you who have "known" me in this forum for a few years, I am about to reveal a secret that I've never shared with anyone before: What helped me "let go" was to indulge in an occasional fantasy of a day in the future heavenly kingdom where we all have an apparent age of about 30. There would still be the parent/offspring relationship, but it was an adult one—same family, different households. Somehow, that would give me a perspective without much emotional baggage. It is a rather liberating image to see them as real people and not as my kids.
_____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Heart is Breaking - 7/11/2009 1:02:03 PM
|
|
|
W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: sen10tious
For those of you who have "known" me in this forum for a few years, I am about to reveal a secret that I've never shared with anyone before: What helped me "let go" was to indulge in an occasional fantasy of a day in the future heavenly kingdom where we all have an apparent age of about 30. There would still be the parent/offspring relationship, but it was an adult one—same family, different households. Somehow, that would give me a perspective without much emotional baggage. It is a rather liberating image to see them as real people and not as my kids.
exactly....our goal as parents is to raise them to fly...to become who God wants them to be....not to hold them back as our "babies."
Sometimes is is not easy to let go.......but I still stand by my statement that my favorite age....is whatever age they happen to be at the moment. I love seeing them blossom and bloom and develop. Do I miss baby days? a little....but not to the extent that it cripples my ability to see who they are and where they are headed.
I have dreams for my children...but if I were trying to force my kids to fit MY dreams...that would be wrong.....
just as it is wrong to keep trying to make them fit into memories that are pajamas three sized too small.
Memories are for me.....to remember and to cherish..and to use to see how much they have grown and how much more wonderful they are NOW.....
You can cherish the past, hope for the future...but you have to LIVE in the NOW......
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
