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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggles with their hubbys on this matter.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 5:56:17 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1478
Joined: 3/13/2009
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I know a ministry that deals with many many people who have been into serious sexual sin, including porn use. They have taught, and prayed and ministered to thousands and have had to do some serious deliverance and ministry to these people because of the effects of these sins on them, spiritually and emotionally.They know full well what terrible damage this causes, they have seen it first hand time and time again.
Porn use destroys lives marriages, ministries and people. You only have to read different forums to see this time and time again.When we sin sexually we open the doors to evil getting in.
This has absolutely nothing to do with anyones insecurity about whether their spouse is being unfaithful to them by loking at naked men/women doing all sort of things sexually. It is plain wrong and has no place in a godly Christisn marriage. The one doing it is not keeping to their promises to be faithful to their spouse. They are disobeying what The Bible teaches us about only looking at things that are pure and good.
How any one can justify its use is beyond me. Are you honestly saying that your husband or anyone else would look at it if Jesus was standing there?.
If I was married to a man who had looked at porn over a long period of time and had no intention of stopping I would definately see it as a reason to seperate and possibly even divorce. I think you are being very naive if you think that all men look at porn just becuse their wives deprive them of sex.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 1:21:53 PM
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Coffee_Drinker
Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iquestion
....i think each one of you ladies should try making a porn video of yourself "for your husband's eyes only." i'm sure that will turn him on. it'll probably turn you on in the process too ;)
Personally, there are other avenues and virtues that can be utilized to accomplish this "turn on" scenario without having to resort to the "pornographic" theme.
The problem with porn is that it is never enough. Men will want to take it to the next level (whatever that level may be). That is the crux of men being visual.
Women can't compete with a fantasy (which is what porn is).
Women can fight it though. They can be just as ornery with those home computers as the men. Women can get Internet filters, they can move home computers to a more visible area, they can cancel the Internet, they can unplug the power cord and toss it in the trash, they can get web trackers, they can modify the Operating System boot files, they can fight. Wives have their rights to the home computer too.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 1:58:11 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1478
Joined: 3/13/2009
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You are right coffee drinker and also we have to remember that these women in the videos are only ACTING. They are not actually rampant nimphomaniacs as many men would like to think. I heard the other day that 2/3rds of all women on porn films were abused as children so many of them may well have serious sexul hangups anyway. Porn is totally deceptive. It isnt anywhwhere near real life or normal marriage relationships.It distorts the way that users view women and relationshops and makes them see women purely as sexual objets there to please them.
ALSO, anyone who views porn is guilty of perpetuating this awful industry and thre evil that goes into it. I also heard the other day that Americans apend 12 billion dollars a year on porn, as much as is given in all foreign aid. if people didnt look and pay to see it it would stop over night, so no one who looks is innocent of making sure this continues.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 2:00:38 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1478
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
You are right coffee drinker and also we have to remember that these women in the videos are only ACTING. They are not actually rampant nimphomaniacs as many men would like to think. I heard the other day that 2/3rds of all women on porn films were abused as children so many of them may well have serious sexul hangups anyway. Porn is totally deceptive. It isnt anywhwhere near real life or normal marriage relationships.It distorts the way that users view women and relationshops and makes them see women purely as sexual objets there to please them.
ALSO, anyone who views porn is guilty of perpetuating this awful industry and thre evil that goes into it. I also heard the other day that Americans apend 12 billion dollars a year on porn, as much as is given in all foreign aid. if people didnt look and pay to see it it would stop over night, so no one who looks is innocent of making sure this continues.
Another thing is that many who are seriously into porn can no longer be turned on by their wives becuase of all the rubbish they have seen and how it has distorted the way they see things. How many of them are visualising their wives as one of these women on the films? That is serious unfaithfullness.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 3:10:41 PM
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iquestion
Posts: 4
Joined: 8/16/2009
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once an addict - always an addict.
what is your concern with a husband who views porn?
is it spiritual? because if it's spiritual then it's pretty much between him and God. let's say porn is a sin. should we change our wedding vows to say "till death do us part UNLESS you sin?" the Bible says that even if you're married to a non-Christian, and the non-Christian is willing to keep living with you, that you should stay with him (or her). so ... then ... the "sin" of porn is the exception?
is it physical? ... that he squirts himself dry and then has nothing left for you. then that's a problem between the two of you. some better communication and relationship counseling is needed. to handle addiction the best thing would be to go to the equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous support group for sex addicts. study the addiction and how addictions work, and you will realize that remorse or giving oneself a guilt-trip is a perfect setup for another relapsing cycle to start all over again. in other words, things that we think are good (punishing yourself for the sin you just committed) is step #1 in the process of repeating the very same thing.
quote:
Women can fight it though. They can be just as ornery with those home computers as the men.
i agree with putting computers in public areas (although sounds like one of the stories here was that there was a computer in a public place and the husband got on it to view porn while two young children were in the room. the wife divorced the husband and has full custody of the children, with the children's dad only having supervised visitation rights). if you think your husband is gonna mess up while the kids are there, i'd say - let him deal with his struggles by himself, without getting the children involved in a painful divorce.
if you throw away the computer... or disconnect the internet ... or whatever. you're pretty much telling your husband that you don't trust him to make his own decisions. you're treating him like a kid. instead, TALK to your husband and see what HE thinks may help. have HIM come up with ideas about what will help him be a better husband to you. do it in LOVE rather than in mistrust. you as a wife should be a support to your husband. not the "nagging," "demanding," "setting ultimatums" kind, but the kind that he can open up to. the best thing in recovering from an addiction is accountability. wives can provide that accountability.
addiction is a disease, and disease is sickness. if a wife is divorcing her husband because of sickness, then what good are the marriage vows?
i think the bottom line for this discussion should be not whether porn is a sin and how badly it influences people, but what to do once a person is affected by it. "should we shoot our wounded" by divorcing them, or stay with them while they recover, and what to do if they don't want to recover.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 3:56:53 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1478
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iquestion
once an addict - always an addict.
what is your concern with a husband who views porn?
is it spiritual? because if it's spiritual then it's pretty much between him and God. let's say porn is a sin. should we change our wedding vows to say "till death do us part UNLESS you sin?" the Bible says that even if you're married to a non-Christian, and the non-Christian is willing to keep living with you, that you should stay with him (or her). so ... then ... the "sin" of porn is the exception?
is it physical? ... that he squirts himself dry and then has nothing left for you. then that's a problem between the two of you. some better communication and relationship counseling is needed. to handle addiction the best thing would be to go to the equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous support group for sex addicts. study the addiction and how addictions work, and you will realize that remorse or giving oneself a guilt-trip is a perfect setup for another relapsing cycle to start all over again. in other words, things that we think are good (punishing yourself for the sin you just committed) is step #1 in the process of repeating the very same thing.
quote:
Women can fight it though. They can be just as ornery with those home computers as the men.
i agree with putting computers in public areas (although sounds like one of the stories here was that there was a computer in a public place and the husband got on it to view porn while two young children were in the room. the wife divorced the husband and has full custody of the children, with the children's dad only having supervised visitation rights). if you think your husband is gonna mess up while the kids are there, i'd say - let him deal with his struggles by himself, without getting the children involved in a painful divorce.
if you throw away the computer... or disconnect the internet ... or whatever. you're pretty much telling your husband that you don't trust him to make his own decisions. you're treating him like a kid. instead, TALK to your husband and see what HE thinks may help. have HIM come up with ideas about what will help him be a better husband to you. do it in LOVE rather than in mistrust. you as a wife should be a support to your husband. not the "nagging," "demanding," "setting ultimatums" kind, but the kind that he can open up to. the best thing in recovering from an addiction is accountability. wives can provide that accountability.
addiction is a disease, and disease is sickness. if a wife is divorcing her husband because of sickness, then what good are the marriage vows?
i think the bottom line for this discussion should be not whether porn is a sin and how badly it influences people, but what to do once a person is affected by it. "should we shoot our wounded" by divorcing them, or stay with them while they recover, and what to do if they don't want to recover.
I know that I never could or would marry a man who looked at porn, the same way that I couldnt or wouldnt be with a man who was unfaithful. That is me, I have very high moral standards myself and I married a man with the same. If you or anyone else can put up with it then good for you, but I couldnt and wouldnt.
It brings sin into the most intimate part of the marriage.
if a husband is affected by it and wants to get help and is willing to stop, then that is good reason to stay, but if he isnt then that is good reaon to go. I have read some heart breaking stories on this and other forums of women whose lives have been destroyed by this. if a man chooses the porn over his wife and children then that is his choice. he is not helpless to stop. if he looses his family, then he has made that choice, The porn is more important to him.
Porn is evil, wrong and damaging. we cant give it room in our lives and marriages, It destroys.It is not a bit of 'harmless fun' We can make excuses for anything that we do such as "well I have to look at porn because my wife will only have sex every two weeks" That is rubbish, NO ONE has to look at porn.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/17/2009 3:57:12 PM
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Coffee_Drinker
Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iquestion
...if you throw away the computer... or disconnect the internet ... or whatever. you're pretty much telling your husband that you don't trust him to make his own decisions. you're treating him like a kid.
Yes, that's about right. If the shoe fits then wear the shoe.
quote:
...instead, TALK to your husband and see what HE thinks may help. have HIM come up with ideas about what will help him be a better husband to you. do it in LOVE rather than in mistrust. you as a wife should be a support to your husband. not the "nagging," "demanding," "setting ultimatums" kind, but the kind that he can open up to. the best thing in recovering from an addiction is accountability. wives can provide that accountability.
That sounds like a viable option too.
quote:
...i think the bottom line for this discussion should be not whether porn is a sin and how badly it influences people, but what to do once a person is affected by it.
There's a lot of threads dealing with this topic. A lot of hurt women out there and a lot of men out there that have overcome this addiction, a lot of broken homes, a lot of healed homes. There's no "one-way" to remedy this dilemma (other than through God). The people here, because they come on here, are reaching out with a cry for help.
How does porn influence people? It just hurts people. There's no good to be found in pornography. None at all.
quote:
"should we shoot our wounded" by divorcing them, or stay with them while they recover, and what to do if they don't want to recover.
That is a viable alternative. Although, probably not the best one. Nobody wins.
The "win - win" would be for the offender to "clean up the act" and the offended to forgive. Then God would be glorified and the couple would be happy in their marriage again.
It's not easy being human, but it can be a blessing.
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/18/2009 11:16:26 AM
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Lyrach
Posts: 133
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Wow. Thank you to all men who have posted, and women too. I am a daughter (26 now) of a previous porn -addict-still recovering father. I love him soooo much. I have struggled with addiction, and never understood why, until, at 14, my father came "clean" with my mother about his addiction & struggle for 10+ years. They separated for a year, in which time they had an agreement together that they both needed counseling - individually & together. There had to be a change in habits, or that was it. My mother could not allow the behavior. Just as any person trying to help an addict with anything - sometimes the "tough love" is important. Sometimes a person has to see how their behavior truly impacts another. My father saw it, and it humbled him, to the core. I don't think I've seen him cry like that for so long in my life. I have always been a daddy's girl. I love him a lot. Though, when I got married (8years ago) I just started to realize how his addiciton truly impacted me. I still struggle with things...sometimes I am suspicious of my husband (even though he is honest with me about any image he sees or looks at too long etc...) he does not struggle with porn, but my trust issues are certainly enough maybe to drive him that way - so I do my best to just trust in God, and trust my hubby, and love him no matter what. My mother & father have a way different marriage now, and my father has several accountability partners. He also started a men's support group for addicitions of all kinds. I believe that when you are in the midst of struggle, a group can be beneficial - certainly you are NOT rendered useless in the Kingdom - that's a lie from the enemy to keep you in hopelessness in your addiction. GOD IS USING YOU, even from the posts on this blog. He wants healing, honesty, restoration, and His love to abound. I am also certain this world/enemy is out to destroy the beauty of the sexual intimacy that GOD intended to take place IN MARRIAGE. It IS to be a truly deeply, bonding, vulnerable & wonderful thing for husband and wife. ... no lie. I still struggle with intimacy issues (questioning if my husband is only "in the mood" because of something he saw rather than me being the apple of his eye), but my hubby asks me to communicate all things at all times so we can remedy the lie right then & there, or so I can get my questions answered & we can both open up the doors of honesty. My heart goes out to all who've posted. May we all continue battling for GOD'S TRUTH & LOVE to conquer all sin, and for His light to shine in this arena!
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RE: Regarding Porn addiction: To all women who struggle... - 8/18/2009 2:10:43 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1478
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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Lyrach your post just shows how damaging this is for the children as well as the spouse.People seem to think that the kids arent affected as they dont know what is going on, but of course they do. they are living in a home where serious sexual sin is boing committed and thta does affect everyone in tha family. You mum did just the right thing by seperating and by telling him that it had to stop. As you say, tough love is needed in these situations.Many men will not stop until they think that they will loose their family.
Some dont stop even then. How very sad that is
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