Son/Wife Conflict (Full Version)

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AslansChild -> Son/Wife Conflict (7/1/2009 11:21:33 AM)

Title may not convey true issue...

My wife was away and my son (16) and I had an opportunity to spend some time together. The weekend kicked off with his girlfriend breaking up with him. This was his first girlfriend and we (his mom and I) allowed him to start dating at 16. THey dated for about a month and had only seen each other maybe 4 times. The day they broke up I recieved a call from her parents stating that some digital pictures had been shared and they wanted to make sure that my son no longer had them. I asked him about this and he said that they each had sent pictures (not lewd/bathing suit pictures) to each other. According to the girls parents my son had requested these pictures. Now, I have total access to his computer/FB and phone. I check these on a regular basis and over the past month have not seen evidence of these pictures. My son so far has not given me a reason to believe he would ask a girl for any lewd pictures so I had a long talk with him and let him no the consequences if he were to engage in this type of behaiviour. Here is the conflict, my wife was upset that I only told her about the break-up and not the accusations. My feeling was that she was over 4 hours away needing a break due to other burdens with friends and I did not want to burdern her with this until she came home. She has insisted that I kept secrets from her and that I should have told her on the phone and she would have cut her trip short. Should I have told her on the phone? And how can I regain the trust with my son? He did say that he is off dating for a while and that in the future he will only date Christian girls (a stipulation we thought was clear when we set the dating rules).



Szaftoo -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/1/2009 3:29:06 PM)

If it were me, I would have trusted my husband and son to deal with it, however, I would like to have been called so I would know what was going on.

If you have been monitoring your son's computer and phone and have found nothing, consider giving him some slack.



Simway -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/1/2009 3:33:27 PM)

I suppose you could have told her on the phone, but as for cutting the trip short..I don't see any real reason for doing so. This was his first girlfriend, and there maybe more later on. and they may end the same way this one did. No about the trust issue. I heard someone say recently that " Trust is like a popcicle, once it melts, it's gone." As for how you get his trust back...I don't know. I myself have a problem with trust, because it;s been betrayed in the past, and more than once. I hope your Son wil not live his life trusting no one. It's a hard way to live. In the back of the mind there is always the question, I wonder if this person will do what they say, or I wonder if they will tell everyone they know, what I just told them? I wish you the best. and hope things will soon be back on an even keel.

Simway



bolt. -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/1/2009 7:15:03 PM)

I'm not reading where there was any 'accusation' -- the bf and gf gave each other digital snapshots of one another in ordinary clothing and situations. Many people do this and asking for a pic of your gf is not any kind of bad behaviour that I know of. Her parents just want to make sure her digital identity and image is kept within the circle of people that are her current friends. No problem with that -- I'll have to remember to do so to, when my daughters start dating.

You might apologize to your wife and tell her that your son has two parents and you thought you were well able to deal with such a minor upset. In future, you will remember that she prefers to be bothered by this sort of thing, and you won't try to do her a favour like this again. For the sake of peace, you should acknowledge that technically, it qualifies as a 'secret' since it was undisclosed information, but you did not intend to behave in a way that was secretive as a motive.

I'm not sure what trust you feel is broken between you and your son, though -- what do you feel is in need of repair?



manda59 -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/6/2009 10:16:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AslansChild
Should I have told her on the phone? And how can I regain the trust with my son? He did say that he is off dating for a while and that in the future he will only date Christian girls (a stipulation we thought was clear when we set the dating rules).


If this happened in our family, yes indeed I would have wanted my husband to tell me *everything* on the phone, and not hide anything from me. If he hadn't, I would have been disappointed and a bit annoyed, but I don't think I'd have reacted as extremely as your wife appeared to (but then again nor would I have cut my trip short for anything as relatively minor as this incident).

Btw, have things improved at all between you and your wife since your post last October (link)? If not, then maybe that's at least partly why she (over)reacted the way she did.

Was she 100% behind the decision to allow your son to date? I remember you asking questions here around the subject of teens dating some months ago.

Why do you feel you need to regain any trust with your son? From what you've posted, I can't see where you have broken his trust. Though if you stipulated he was only to date Christian girls, and then he dated someone who was not a Christian, maybe it's him who needs to regain your trust.



AslansChild -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/6/2009 2:17:16 PM)

Manda,

Thanks for the input. We both agreed on 16 being the age where he could start dating. I think something however was lost in translation. Since the whole thing went down it has opened up avenues of conversation in all directions. My wife however is still in a touchy place.

Our life since I wrote the post in October has gotten somewhat better but now there are a new set of issues (basically life) that are cntinuing to buffet our family. Nothing too severe just running on the treadmill.



manda59 -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/6/2009 2:20:35 PM)

AslansChild,

Maybe you missed this bit of my post?

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59
Why do you feel you need to regain any trust with your son? From what you've posted, I can't see where you have broken his trust. Though if you stipulated he was only to date Christian girls, and then he dated someone who was not a Christian, maybe it's him who needs to regain your trust.



AslansChild -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/6/2009 2:43:27 PM)

Trust.... That is a two way street. With all of the electronic access there are a lot of areas where trust has been percieved, compromised, lost and regained. In my opinion as soon as you accuse you loose trust. My son is a unique individual (aren't they all?) He has the best heart of any boy I know his age and we are told that often by others. He also has a black and white perspective on everything that started when he was young. This has turned into a somewhat legalistic perspective on issues that he feels strongly about which leads to his perspective of what is acceptable. He does not need to regain our trust, he needs to build our trust with him. I need to regain his trust in that I look at this situation and discover how to approach him without being accusatory in the future.



doinkdom -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/9/2009 12:11:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AslansChild

Title may not convey true issue...

My wife was away and my son (16) and I had an opportunity to spend some time together. The weekend kicked off with his girlfriend breaking up with him. This was his first girlfriend and we (his mom and I) allowed him to start dating at 16. THey dated for about a month and had only seen each other maybe 4 times. The day they broke up I recieved a call from her parents stating that some digital pictures had been shared and they wanted to make sure that my son no longer had them. I asked him about this and he said that they each had sent pictures (not lewd/bathing suit pictures) to each other. According to the girls parents my son had requested these pictures. Now, I have total access to his computer/FB and phone. I check these on a regular basis and over the past month have not seen evidence of these pictures. My son so far has not given me a reason to believe he would ask a girl for any lewd pictures so I had a long talk with him and let him no the consequences if he were to engage in this type of behaiviour. Here is the conflict, my wife was upset that I only told her about the break-up and not the accusations. My feeling was that she was over 4 hours away needing a break due to other burdens with friends and I did not want to burdern her with this until she came home. She has insisted that I kept secrets from her and that I should have told her on the phone and she would have cut her trip short. Should I have told her on the phone? And how can I regain the trust with my son? He did say that he is off dating for a while and that in the future he will only date Christian girls (a stipulation we thought was clear when we set the dating rules).


Brutally honest?[;)] You were the one at home and I assume you are the head of your home, so you handled it. In fact from what I read, I think it was completely appropriate the way you handled it.

I don't think this is about hiding truth...it's about mutual respect and unity that each parent have enough sense to handle the situation. Her trusting you and you trusting her on parenting.

Had you not intended on telling her anything about this after she got home...well, that's another discussion perhaps.

And your son is 16...while that might seem pretty grown up, he's still under your authority and by all appearances, you did nothing to compromise any trust.

I would think that this incident would be one to discuss with your wife and come to some agreement on how to handle this in the future so that unity is paramount in how to parent your kids.



buckifn -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/12/2009 10:08:25 PM)

quote:

If you have been monitoring your son's computer and phone and have found nothing, consider giving him some slack.


In my house having access to the computer is all the slack you are going to get. I don't give a minor a lethal weapon and tell him he is on his own (or her) nor would I do that with a computer which can open the door to all sorts of evil.

For the op..yes apologize to your wife and mean it when you say next time you will inform her of any similiar situation because you understand that is important for her to have happen.



W.O.F. -> RE: Son/Wife Conflict (7/16/2009 2:27:52 PM)

hmm....

As a wife...I have to say I am not sure I understand your wife's problem with this.

I trust my husband to handle things when I am not there...just as he trusts me. There are times when things have happened when he was on a trip that I had to deal with that were not emergencies so he was not told about it until he got home.

I guess we just have a different relationship than most.....he is the head of the home, and I am his partner...


I don't know what to tell you other than I am praying for wisdom for you, your wife and your son. God can help you all get through this bump in the road.



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