Frustrated Husband (Full Version)

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catlady11 -> Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 3:03:34 PM)

Moderator Note: This thread was moved from Marriage, so do not be alarmed when you read responses from Males.--Ps103

My husband and I are 48 years old and have been married for 11 months. Before we got married he had a very busy schedule and his busy schdule has even gotten busier.

Monday is a 12 step meeting (sometimes I go with him - I'm also in recovery);
Tuesday is mandolin rehersal (there is no mandolin rehearsal in the summer so instead he goes to rehearsal with the band he plays with at church);
Wednesday used to be our night but since he has been struggling with alcohol lately he started going to a meeting on Wed night;
every other Thursday is men's bible study - the other Thursday was our night but now he goes to an AA meeting.
Friday nothing is planned but sometimes he has gigs on Tuesday with the church band.
He works most Saturdays and Sundays we go to church together and either spend the day together or he has to go to his Dad's and do the yard work for a few years so we spend Sunday eve together.

The first couple of months of our marriage I was not happy that we didn't spend a lot of time together. We tried to do "date night" when he used to be free on Wednesdays and every other Thursday. It very rarely worked out because when there was no pressure for him to leave work to go to his evening activities, he would work late and not get home until after 8:00 - then shower and eat dinner - make business phone calls - paper work - now it's 10:00. He is a self-employed contractor and I work 9-5 - I wake up at 5:00 am and I'm home at 6:30 pm. Eventually I just "got over it" and enjoyed the time we had together (I don't mean sex) but also enjoyed the time I had alone.

Now he is very frustrated since we "never have sex". We do have sex about one a week which I agree is not alot and he has every right to want more.

Here are the issues:
1. Because of medication I do not have a sex drive (although I do enjoy being initimate with him); and
2. He's never home.

He feels when he is home in the evening I should want to have sex. I tried to explain to him that it is difficult because I need to feel a "connection" with him before I can have sex and it's hard to have a connection when we don't spend time together. We have been going back and forth on this issue for quite a while now and we do not know how to resolve it. I do make sure he have sex at least once a week (whether I need or it not).

Last Sunday we spent the entire day together and had a great time and we ended the evening being intimate and I found it very easy to be intimate with him because I had that "emotional" connection. He says he understands when I say I need that emotional connection. I tried to explain that foreplay begins days before we actually have sex.

He complains that when he wants to spend time with me I don't want to. An example is last night - he came home around 10:00 - I was already sleeping but get woken up when he comes home b/c the dogs start barking. He's ready to hang out and talk - I'm ready for bed - I have to be up at 5:00. He wakes up when he wakes up. No alarm clocks for him.

I feel like he does not respect my need for sleep. I feel like I am not a priority in his life. When I asked him to give up one of his activities a few months ago he said to me "how can you ask me to give up something that I love and gives me so much pleasure".

While I am glad he is attending more AA meetings he is attending them on nights he would normally spend with me so he does not have to give up any of his activities.

This morning the conversation started again. He's frustated then I state he's never home - and we just go in circles. I told him he makes his own schedule and if sex is something he desires on a more regular basis he needs to put more time into his marriage. His comment is: I'm very busy - I don't know what to do. His resolution seems to be if I am awake (doesn't matter what time of day) we could be having sex. Sometimes I will get up during the night for a drink and he follows me into the kitchen asking me "Are you awake" with that "look" in his eye. This morning I woke up early and he felt I should have initiated sex forgetting the fact I have 6 cats (used to be 11) and a bird to take care of plus HIS 3 dogs since I'm already up.

Any advice?



LizzieJ. -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 3:13:41 PM)

Have you tried to throw sex on him so much he yells "I give"?

quote:

His resolution seems to be if I am awake (doesn't matter what time of day) we could be having sex.

quote:

I'm ready for bed - I have to be up at 5:00. He wakes up when he wakes up. No alarm clocks for him.

Wake him up for sex.

quote:

While I am glad he is attending more AA meetings he is attending them on nights he would normally spend with me so he does not have to give up any of his activities.


Many AA meetings also occur in the morning and at noon. Check into this for him.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 3:18:05 PM)

Keep beating the drum (respectfully). There are only so many hours in the day. You need to sleep. You don't have the option to be free and easy with your schedule.

Whatever is in the way of your marriage needs to go, whether that's animals or his projects or particular work hours.

If he can't "hear" you, then maybe there needs to be a third party invovled. And I would say although this is primarily a problem with him, when you do have time, there is nothing wrong with blessing your hubby through intimacy even if you don't feel "horny", particularly if it is enjoyable when it happens even with the lack of drive. Perhaps you could work on that and he could work on making room in his life for his bride. [&:]



catlady11 -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 3:36:06 PM)

I have to be honest and admit that I do not initiate sex. It's hard to when there is no drive and most of the time I feel neglected but I am trying so hard not to use sex (or lack of sex) to get back at him. We did try one morning before I got ready for work which was ok but my mind was on the clock not him.

As far as his AA meetings - the ones that he goes to on Mondays and Thursdays are Christian 12-step meetings and there aren't many Chrstian meetings available and we do both prefer those over the secular meetings. The one on Wednesday night is the meeting he went to many years ago when he first got sober so I guess it holds a special place in his heart.

I already down sized the cat population by 5 cats to please him. The animals do not take up a lot of time.

I do "accommodate" him when I realize that it has been a week since the last time.

This morning I said I would be more than happy to speak to a third party but he said he feels that we can resolve it.

Once he is frustrated enough I think a third party to help us might sound like a good idea to him.



justpassinby -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 3:39:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: catlady11

My husband and I are 48 years old and have been married for 11 months. Before we got married he had a very busy schedule and his busy schdule has even gotten busier.

Monday is a 12 step meeting (sometimes I go with him - I'm also in recovery);
Tuesday is mandolin rehersal (there is no mandolin rehearsal in the summer so instead he goes to rehearsal with the band he plays with at church);
Wednesday used to be our night but since he has been struggling with alcohol lately he started going to a meeting on Wed night;
every other Thursday is men's bible study - the other Thursday was our night but now he goes to an AA meeting.
Friday nothing is planned but sometimes he has gigs on Tuesday with the church band.
He works most Saturdays and Sundays we go to church together and either spend the day together or he has to go to his Dad's and do the yard work for a few years so we spend Sunday eve together.

The first couple of months of our marriage I was not happy that we didn't spend a lot of time together. We tried to do "date night" when he used to be free on Wednesdays and every other Thursday. It very rarely worked out because when there was no pressure for him to leave work to go to his evening activities, he would work late and not get home until after 8:00 - then shower and eat dinner - make business phone calls - paper work - now it's 10:00. He is a self-employed contractor and I work 9-5 - I wake up at 5:00 am and I'm home at 6:30 pm. Eventually I just "got over it" and enjoyed the time we had together (I don't mean sex) but also enjoyed the time I had alone.

Now he is very frustrated since we "never have sex". We do have sex about one a week which I agree is not alot and he has every right to want more.

Here are the issues:
1. Because of medication I do not have a sex drive (although I do enjoy being initimate with him); and
2. He's never home.

He feels when he is home in the evening I should want to have sex. I tried to explain to him that it is difficult because I need to feel a "connection" with him before I can have sex and it's hard to have a connection when we don't spend time together. We have been going back and forth on this issue for quite a while now and we do not know how to resolve it. I do make sure he have sex at least once a week (whether I need or it not).

Last Sunday we spent the entire day together and had a great time and we ended the evening being intimate and I found it very easy to be intimate with him because I had that "emotional" connection. He says he understands when I say I need that emotional connection. I tried to explain that foreplay begins days before we actually have sex.

He complains that when he wants to spend time with me I don't want to. An example is last night - he came home around 10:00 - I was already sleeping but get woken up when he comes home b/c the dogs start barking. He's ready to hang out and talk - I'm ready for bed - I have to be up at 5:00. He wakes up when he wakes up. No alarm clocks for him.

I feel like he does not respect my need for sleep. I feel like I am not a priority in his life. When I asked him to give up one of his activities a few months ago he said to me "how can you ask me to give up something that I love and gives me so much pleasure".

While I am glad he is attending more AA meetings he is attending them on nights he would normally spend with me so he does not have to give up any of his activities.

This morning the conversation started again. He's frustated then I state he's never home - and we just go in circles. I told him he makes his own schedule and if sex is something he desires on a more regular basis he needs to put more time into his marriage. His comment is: I'm very busy - I don't know what to do. His resolution seems to be if I am awake (doesn't matter what time of day) we could be having sex. Sometimes I will get up during the night for a drink and he follows me into the kitchen asking me "Are you awake" with that "look" in his eye. This morning I woke up early and he felt I should have initiated sex forgetting the fact I have 6 cats (used to be 11) and a bird to take care of plus HIS 3 dogs since I'm already up.

Any advice?


I'm 50 years old and you are near my age. So, I think you lived long enough to see what's going on here. His "busy" schedule is the same mechanism that makes him the type to drink. He's addicted to business just like alcohol and perhaps it's an escape. I hear you saying some similar tendencies in yourself although maybe not to as great a degree.

Unless he can see that and make time, the problem will never be resolved. Instead, he will see anything else as intruding on his "business" instead of realizing that it's the business that's his problem. He's just diverting attention from alcohol to busywork. It sounds like it's sort of obsessive behavior to be honest.



LizzieJ. -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 3:40:15 PM)

Catlady,

Realize that he needs sex to be fufilled as much as you need to feel the closeness to be fufilled. He is suffering as much as you are.

The two of you need to sit down and figure this out. You can do it. When you fill his love tank with sex he is going to be much more receptive to filling your love tank.

Don't let this go on too long. It is OK not to "feel" in the mood. Having sex no matter how you feel is ok. Doing it because you want to show your husband that you love him is what matters.

Does he work?
Can you cut down on some of your Church activities?

quote:

I have to be honest and admit that I do not initiate sex.


Initiate! Initiate in the morning even if you have to watch the clock. Do this as an act of love. Love your husband in this way. Do it often. See if this act of selfless love helps to open his ears to hear what you need.



Auben -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/1/2009 4:25:12 PM)

Keep talking. Offer specific solutions...if you come home early Wednesday/skip meeting once a week/get up early we'll have sex on that day. If we have 2 date nights a week we'll schedule sex for this day and that day.

Another suggestion, don't refer to him as 'never being home.' This is the kind of generalized judgement statement which throws men into defense mode. Instead of listening to anything you have to say past that point he's already picking it apart thinking 'I'm home sometimes. What is she talking about? Is she trying to take away all the fun in my life? Look at all the things I do for her!' meanwhile nothing is really getting through to him.

Instead think about how much time you spent together when you were dating. Make a list if it helps. Then look at the time you spend together now. Don't show these lists to him. If the difference is great ask him to think about that fact on his own. Then think seriously about how much time you need to spend with him each week to feel connected.

Start the discussion with an I statement (not a You statement). Maybe something like, 'I want to have sex with you, but I'm not sure I remember what it's like to really be with you anymore. I want to spend time with you. I want to do _____ (something you did when you were dating) with you. I want to feel connected to you. When we have sex like this it makes me feel empty. That makes me feel like avoiding it. Please sit down with me and work out some kind of schedule so I don't have to miss you all the time and we can get back to the way we were. '

Then sit down and talk about him getting up early with you or staying home from AA or band a few times a week. I have a lot of respect for AA, my husband's family are very involved with it, but no one needs to attend 2-3x a week to the detriment of their marriage. If it helps him feel more secure schedule some intimate nights/mornings/afternoons.

quote:

This morning I woke up early and he felt I should have initiated sex forgetting the fact I have 6 cats (used to be 11) and a bird to take care of plus HIS 3 dogs since I'm already up.


This is an excuse. I'm not judging it; I'm just telling you. Don't use it with him. If people want to have sex when they wake up, they do. Pets can usually wait. The problem is that you don't really want to. The ball's not all in your court. If he wants to have a willing, charged wife he has to be willing to make sacrifices too. He has to be willing to behave like a lover and friend, not like a roommate with special privileges who wanders in and out of your life when he needs something.



DaveW -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/6/2009 11:35:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: catlady11

Now he is very frustrated since we "never have sex". We do have sex about one a week which I agree is not alot and he has every right to want more.
Sorry - I don't buy it. That is not "never."

A lot of guys would KILL to have it once a week. After several years of maybe once every other month, once a week would sound like heaven.

I know some guys that would kill to get once every other month....



Ps103 -> RE: Frustrated Husband (7/13/2009 2:52:43 PM)

Moving this to Women Only.



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