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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents?
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/3/2009 2:09:18 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4190
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stellaluna
Generally, an adopted child would probably start at a hospital or adoption agency to begin the search for a birth mother. If the birth mother explicitly indicates that she doesn't want to be contacted, I should think those entities would be prevented from sharing that information by law. Apparently that isn't always the case, though.
During a conversation I had recently, a friend said it should be up to the child to decide, not the birth mother. I happen to disagree.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Qtman
Whether an adopted person chooses to find their biological parents or not is up to them.
Whether the biological parent wants to be found or have anything to do with the child is up to that parent.
An adopted person who choses to look for their biological parent needs to be warned of the possible consequences and rejection. If they proceed they are on their own.
If a mother explicitly stated she did not want her identity known to a hospital or adoption agency that hospital or agency should honor her wishes. However, that restriction does not apply to anyone else and the resources for finding someone are almost limitless. Especially now with computers and all the databases there re out their. JMHO
I N T
I'm in agreement here. The birth mother's expressed wishes to not be identified should be honored by the hospital, agency and/or attorney involved.
Both my children are adopted and have different birth-mothers. My experience with the agency we used is that medical data from both birthparents and their families was collected as thoroughly as possible at the time. Of course, this doesn't include any new developments since that time.
Adoption is a complicated issue. Not disregarding any emotions an adopted child may have or have to deal with, IMO, the birthmother experiences the greatest loss and has the greatest amount of psychological and emotional fallout to deal with. If her wishes are for no communication, that should carry the greatest weight.
Actually, if either party wishes for anonymity and no communication, that should be honored. No one should force themselves on another regardless of their shared DNA.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/7/2009 7:35:40 PM
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cosmiceyes
Posts: 72
Joined: 7/4/2009
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Yes they should be allowed. If my parents have given me up for adoption, I'd want to find them. There should be no consent papers for something like this, how could there be? And especially when adopted children become adults, they have a free right to search for whatever. It is bad enough that any parent would give their child away but to demand not to be found is a slap in the face to a hopeful person.
quote:
I think the mother's wishes should be respected, if they are made known. quote:
How can you respect a person that would not want a child they willingly gave up for adoption to find them? That basically shows how much respect they have for their child, let alone, a human being.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/7/2009 9:23:42 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4161
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cosmiceyes
Yes they should be allowed. If my parents have given me up for adoption, I'd want to find them. There should be no consent papers for something like this, how could there be? And especially when adopted children become adults, they have a free right to search for whatever. It is bad enough that any parent would give their child away but to demand not to be found is a slap in the face to a hopeful person.
quote:
I think the mother's wishes should be respected, if they are made known. quote:
How can you respect a person that would not want a child they willingly gave up for adoption to find them? That basically shows how much respect they have for their child, let alone, a human being.
Don't you think that giving a child up for adoption could be the most loving thing a woman could do?
I agree that an adult child has the right to search. But I disagree that the agencies involved in the adoption should provide any information, if the birth mother has indicated she doesn't want to be found.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/7/2009 9:47:27 PM
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myhusbandswife76
Posts: 234
Joined: 4/24/2009
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If somebody in the triad chooses to do a search, than they can do a search (provided they are of legal age). If someone in the triad chooses not to responded to the searcher, than that's their right as well.
quote:
I think that adopted children who are so desparate to find their birth mothers are trying to fill a need unsuccessfully.
I couldn't disagree more.
quote:
Generally, an adopted child would probably start at a hospital or adoption agency to begin the search for a birth mother.
Actually no, because those places are usually little to no help.
quote:
if the mother felt that way, why didn't she just abort it?
What a horrible, and hurtful thing to say.
quote:
It is bad enough that any parent would give their child away but to demand not to be found is a slap in the face to a hopeful person.
Actually, not everyone "gives" the child away. Sometimes "giving" them away is the best thing for the child. If the bio parent dosen't want to be found, it's not a slap in the face. Just like if the adopted person chooses not to be found, it's their choice.
quote:
How can you respect a person that would not want a child they willingly gave up for adoption to find them? That basically shows how much respect they have for their child, let alone, a human being.
Again, not every adopted person has been "given up". Those that do make the choice should be respected for the choice to be selfless, and for thinking more of the child, and what's best for them rather than what they want. Being found latter has nothing to do with respect.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 11:13:36 AM
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doinkdom
Posts: 5581
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From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cosmiceyes
Yes they should be allowed. If my parents have given me up for adoption, I'd want to find them. There should be no consent papers for something like this, how could there be? And especially when adopted children become adults, they have a free right to search for whatever. It is bad enough that any parent would give their child away but to demand not to be found is a slap in the face to a hopeful person.
quote:
I think the mother's wishes should be respected, if they are made known. quote:
How can you respect a person that would not want a child they willingly gave up for adoption to find them? That basically shows how much respect they have for their child, let alone, a human being.
You do realize that the majority of children given up for adoption have teenagers for mothers. Teenagers who are not equipped to deal with motherhood, not able to find proper employment and subsequent proper care for a child.
Most (if not all) children given up for adoption have birth parents who were not able to care for that child, nor were they able to raise that child as well as adoptive parents can many times.
Many times, adoption is an alternative to abortion.
Most birth mothers love their children dearly but are in dire circumstances and feel forced to do what is best for the upbringing of their child.
To assume disrespect for someone without knowing them or their circumstance lacks compassion and grace.
_____________________________
Rest assured, dear friends, that where your pleasure is, there your heart is.
- Charles Spurgeon
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 11:16:31 AM
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Qtman
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Preach on Sister.
_____________________________
At one time Jesus was my co-pilot. Things are much better now that He and I have changed seats.
<Me & my happyplate at Lobster Hut
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 11:26:46 AM
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doinkdom
Posts: 5581
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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 Qtman...
back on the topic of rights involved for parents and/or child seeking out their birth parents...
If a birth parent indicates they do not want to be found...I feel certain there is a good reason for it. And, until you know that reason, speculation is just gossip.
After years of grieving, birth parents can become embarrassed and ashamed of the decision they made based on their current situation. i.e. They were 15 and still in high school without much hope for the future, so they chose adoption. Years later, they are successful, have a home, etc. etc. and now feel ashamed for making that early decision. It can be very traumatic dealing with could've's and should've's and then confessing all that to God in moments of emotional despair.
This is not an issue of rights...the bible gives no assurance of "rights. This is an issue of grace and compassion and honoring the wishes made clear by someone personally involved. Parent and/or child.
_____________________________
Rest assured, dear friends, that where your pleasure is, there your heart is.
- Charles Spurgeon
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 2:02:54 PM
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cosmiceyes
Posts: 72
Joined: 7/4/2009
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What am I speculating? It is mean,in my opinion, again, that a mother who gave their child away, also ask that they not be found. They shouldn't have that right, afterall, the child wasn't asked to be given away, however you wanna look at it. Because I see it like this, the sin they've commited by having a child in the first place which they have to as a result give away, should be all the more reason for them to allow that child the freedom to find them. To say, I'm going to give my child up for adoption (for whatever reason) and I demand that they not be allowed to find me, how could anyone agree with this? Now I'm sure some of you have a bias because you are adoptive parents yourself, and I know that adoptive parents can sometimes form a bond so strong with the adopted children that they want them to think only of them as the parents and this is wrong. If you really love that child, you'd want them to have the freedom to search for their birth parents if they very well please.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 2:15:16 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 6341
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cosmiceyes
...They shouldn't have that right, afterall, the child wasn't asked to be given away, however you wanna look at it...
I don't see the logic in that statement at all. The child wasn't asked if it wanted to be born, what clothes it wanted to wear for several years, or where it's adoptive parents lived, worked, or went to church. Children aren't asked a lot of things but that doesn't give it any special rights as a result. Fact is, I haven't been asked as an adult about a lot of very unpleasant things. Life sometimes is more than about me and my perceived rights...
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 2:17:03 PM
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cosmiceyes
Posts: 72
Joined: 7/4/2009
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The logic is simple, cause and effect.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 2:22:35 PM
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Eutychus
Posts: 6341
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dothan, AL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cosmiceyes
The logic is simple, cause and effect.
That's not logic, it's more like emotional irritation.
Did you read past my first sentence?
Life ain't always what we consider to be fair, especially for children.
We also have that "honor your father and mother" thingy from God and repeated by Jesus to consider above the child's preceived rights.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 2:40:25 PM
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WesP
Posts: 1440
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From: Where God needs me to be
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quote:
quote:
I think that adopted children who are so desparate to find their birth mothers are trying to fill a need unsuccessfully.
I couldn't disagree more.
LOL! Ok.
_____________________________
Peace,
Wes
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 2:47:31 PM
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WesP
Posts: 1440
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: Where God needs me to be
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Qtman
Whether an adopted person chooses to find their biological parents or not is up to them.
Whether the biological parent wants to be found or have anything to do with the child is up to that parent.
An adopted person who choses to look for their biological parent needs to be warned of the possible consequences and rejection. If they proceed they are on their own.
If a mother explicitly stated she did not want her identity known to a hospital or adoption agency that hospital or agency should honor her wishes. However, that restriction does not apply to anyone else and the resources for finding someone are almost limitless. Especially now with computers and all the databases there re out their. JMHO
I N T
I am still going with agreement on this post.
_____________________________
Peace,
Wes
___________________________________
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 5:13:18 PM
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cosmiceyes
Posts: 72
Joined: 7/4/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Eutychus
quote:
ORIGINAL: cosmiceyes
The logic is simple, cause and effect.
That's not logic, it's more like emotional irritation.
Did you read past my first sentence?
Life ain't always what we consider to be fair, especially for children.
We also have that "honor your father and mother" thingy from God and repeated by Jesus to consider above the child's preceived rights.
I see that you may be an adoptive parent and feel a personal bias, or even conviction for some reason. But whatever, I stated my opinion either way.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 5:41:13 PM
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myhusbandswife76
Posts: 234
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quote:
adoptive parents can sometimes form a bond so strong with the adopted children that they want them to think only of them as the parents
The adoptive parents ARE the parents. It's not a matter of what to think, or not to think. It's a matter of fact.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 7:29:07 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 6323
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From: Crimson Tide Country
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quote:
ORIGINAL: myhusbandswife76
quote:
adoptive parents can sometimes form a bond so strong with the adopted children that they want them to think only of them as the parents
The adoptive parents ARE the parents. It's not a matter of what to think, or not to think. It's a matter of fact.
This just needed to be said again. For the record I am not an adoptive parent nor an adopted child. Both myself, my wife and our children came along the old fashioned way. But some of the comments I have read here are hurtful and frankly made out of ignorance. There is not a more unselfish move a person can make than give a child up for adoption for the good of the child. I have more respect for the woman who gives up a child to a good home with people that will nurture and love that child than the one that keeps it and raises it in a crack house or worse.
Lets face it. Any male and female can have a baby and be parents biologically. But they may not be capable of being a mom and dad. Children need a mom and dad not just someone that is capable of producing an offspring.
_____________________________
At one time Jesus was my co-pilot. Things are much better now that He and I have changed seats.
<Me & my happyplate at Lobster Hut
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 7:55:40 PM
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cosmiceyes
Posts: 72
Joined: 7/4/2009
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What are you talking about? My posts have been keeping within the topic of this thread. I was overall saying that I didn't feel that people that gave their child up for adoption further keep them in question of them by not wanting to be found. That's it.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 8:14:25 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 6323
Joined: 3/21/2006
From: Crimson Tide Country
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cosmiceyes
What are you talking about? My posts have been keeping within the topic of this thread. I was overall saying that I didn't feel that people that gave their child up for adoption further keep them in question of them by not wanting to be found. That's it.
I went back and read my post just to make sure but, I did not find the name cosmiceyes mentioned one time. I made a generic statement and named no one. Seems to have steped on some toes though. Now that you mentioned it though you were the one that used terms such as lack of respect, mean, and even accused those that disagree with you of being biased because they were adoptive parents. My friend if the shoe fits wear it.
_____________________________
At one time Jesus was my co-pilot. Things are much better now that He and I have changed seats.
<Me & my happyplate at Lobster Hut
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 8:34:13 PM
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GroupW
Posts: 2526
Joined: 11/16/2007
From: Up in the hills of Colorado (very BIG hills...)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WesP
quote:
ORIGINAL: Qtman
Whether an adopted person chooses to find their biological parents or not is up to them.
Whether the biological parent wants to be found or have anything to do with the child is up to that parent.
An adopted person who choses to look for their biological parent needs to be warned of the possible consequences and rejection. If they proceed they are on their own.
If a mother explicitly stated she did not want her identity known to a hospital or adoption agency that hospital or agency should honor her wishes. However, that restriction does not apply to anyone else and the resources for finding someone are almost limitless. Especially now with computers and all the databases there re out their. JMHO
I N T
I am still going with agreement on this post.
Agreed.
H N T
_____________________________
“For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.” -H.L. Mencken
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/8/2009 8:50:10 PM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4161
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Home Shopping Network?
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/9/2009 11:32:25 AM
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Kath
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quote:
ORIGINAL: doinkdom
I see both sides...and I find credence on both sides.
Today, most mothers giving up babies are well aware that one of the consequences or "costs" of their choice is a knock on the door 16-20 years in the future. If they think otherwise...well, they were not well informed especially in our culture of "rights."
I think that is why many women choose to abort rather than give the baby up for adoption. They don't want the surprise or recriminations 20+ years later.
quote:
ORIGINAL: stellaluna
Generally, an adopted child would probably start at a hospital or adoption agency to begin the search for a birth mother. If the birth mother explicitly indicates that she doesn't want to be contacted, I should think those entities would be prevented from sharing that information by law. Apparently that isn't always the case, though.
During a conversation I had recently, a friend said it should be up to the child to decide, not the birth mother. I happen to disagree.
If it is a sealed adoption where the birth mother stated she does not want to be found then I do not believe the adult child has a right to find the biological mother.
I believe it is up to the birth mother. I know people want to find their roots but sometimes it cannot be done.
_____________________________
If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
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RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find t... - 7/9/2009 12:35:57 PM
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Qtman
Posts: 6323
Joined: 3/21/2006
From: Crimson Tide Country
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So true Kath.
When I read things like this thread I think about a fruit tree.
You take a limb from one tree and graft it onto another tree. Does that limb wither and die because it is no longer attached to the tree I sprang from? Or does it cling to the tree to which it has been grafted for nourishment and support?
Just something to think about.
_____________________________
At one time Jesus was my co-pilot. Things are much better now that He and I have changed seats.
<Me & my happyplate at Lobster Hut
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