Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents?

Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (Full Version)

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stellaluna -> Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 8:50:42 AM)
I've heard of several cases in which adopted children found birth mothers (don't know about fathers) who didn't want to be found...one was on TV not too long ago and the adopted child "felt rejected" all over again because her mother didn't want to meet her. I also have one friend who gave a baby up for adoption 25 years ago and lives in fear that he will try to find her and succeed. She signed some sort of paper saying she didn't want her identity revealed, but she has known a couple of women who did the same and were found anyway. I think the mother's wishes should be respected, if they are made known.

WesP -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 9:29:32 AM)
I do not think it is a good idea in many cases. I think that adopted children who are so desparate to find their birth mothers are trying to fill a need unsuccessfully. If a person lowers his/her own self-worth, then that problem will not be solved by finding another person. Self-worth is established by self, not by others.

Eutychus -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 9:59:17 AM)
I can understand why a birth mother wouldn't want to be discovered if she has hidden the child's existence from her family. However, I think the child should at least know of medical issues within their biological family because it might be of major help to the child in making certain decisions.

WesP -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 10:07:55 AM)
quote: However, I think the child should at least know of medical issues within their biological family because it might be of major help to the child in making certain decisions. Ideally, this information should be provided when the child is given up.

stellaluna -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 10:11:47 AM)
Yeah, I think that info should be collected at the time of the adoption. Although these days, maybe it is.

bolt. -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 10:16:44 AM)
Adopted children should be guided by their true/functional/adopting parents in this and all matters. Previously adopted adults are free agents as long as they do not sin. There is no question of 'should it be allowed' regarding their free choices. Seeking this truth is not sinning, as long as it is done with due honour to the real parents and they are not deceptive in the process, and they do not waste critical family time/effort/money on the quest etc. etc. Adoption agency people should not violate their word and/or the integrity of the word previously given by that agency. Nobody else is obligated to respect the birth-mother's wishes. Parents who have given children up for adoption are free to react to their bio-children in any way that they see fit (well, not cruelly or with abuse). There are no remaining obligations between a parent/child who are estranged by adoption.

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 10:28:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: stellaluna Yeah, I think that info should be collected at the time of the adoption. Although these days, maybe it is. It wasn't 30 years ago. Closed adoption meant CLOSED adoption.

WesP -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 10:35:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_ quote: ORIGINAL: stellaluna Yeah, I think that info should be collected at the time of the adoption. Although these days, maybe it is. It wasn't 30 years ago. Closed adoption meant CLOSED adoption. That should not preclude medical diagnostics. The information does not have to be personal regarding identity.

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 10:51:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WesP quote: ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_ quote: ORIGINAL: stellaluna Yeah, I think that info should be collected at the time of the adoption. Although these days, maybe it is. It wasn't 30 years ago. Closed adoption meant CLOSED adoption. That should not preclude medical diagnostics. The information does not have to be personal regarding identity. But it does. Remember, 30 years ago things were quite different.

WesP -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 11:06:54 AM)
Oh, I know. It wasn't an argument against you. I just meant that it should be handled my way. [:D]

Focusing -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 11:44:32 AM)
Ahhhhh ....... should How I love that word ... should someone do this or should someone do that. A person has the right to make their own decisions no matter what others think they should or should not do. When it comes to a minor child, this is an individual decision that needs to be made with guidance from the adoptive parents (and possibly counselor/s). When it comes to an adult child, well, they are adults and have right to make their own decisions. always and never carry a huge, over-encompassing, even invasive imo, wall of control as well. The bottom line is: this is an individual decision.

stellaluna -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 11:47:02 AM)
I didn't mean child as it relates to age...I meant child of someone who gave them up for adoption.

WesP -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 11:50:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: desertgirl Ahhhhh ....... should How I love that word ... should someone do this or should someone do that. A person has the right to make their own decisions no matter what others think they should or should not do. When it comes to a minor child, this is an individual decision that needs to be made with guidance from the adoptive parents (and possibly counselor/s). When it comes to an adult child, well, they are adults and have right to make their own decisions. always and never carry a huge, over-encompassing, even invasive imo, wall of control as well. The bottom line is: this is an individual decision. Do you think it should be allowed if the birth mother has no desire for reunification?

bolt. -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 11:59:02 AM)
I think where two adults are concerned, and one has no desire to know the other, then the one who does not want contact is responsible to rebuff that contact themself. Unless it becomes harassment, I see no ethical, moral, or legal barrier to an adult seeking information about progenitors and contacting them through ordinary means. I can't really imagine what kind of moral principle would be at play. Does anyone know what might be violated by this endeavour? Are you asking whether or not other people should be helping?

WesP -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:01:52 PM)
I think that if a mother explicitly stated at the time of adoption that she did not want to be known, her identity should be forever hidden.

bolt. -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:08:27 PM)
By who? Where are you placing this ethical imperative, and what are you basing that imperative on?

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:10:06 PM)
That was going to be my question. Should there be a law stating this fact? If the child does seek the parent who doesn't want to be saught should that child be arrested? What if the family member of the parent gets in contact with the child? Should they be arrested? There's all kinds of situations that can be brought up and like it was said earlier, it has to be based on each individual situation.

stellaluna -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:16:04 PM)
Generally, an adopted child would probably start at a hospital or adoption agency to begin the search for a birth mother. If the birth mother explicitly indicates that she doesn't want to be contacted, I should think those entities would be prevented from sharing that information by law. Apparently that isn't always the case, though. During a conversation I had recently, a friend said it should be up to the child to decide, not the birth mother. I happen to disagree.

Qtman -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:24:58 PM)
Whether an adopted person chooses to find their biological parents or not is up to them. Whether the biological parent wants to be found or have anything to do with the child is up to that parent. An adopted person who choses to look for their biological parent needs to be warned of the possible consequences and rejection. If they proceed they are on their own. If a mother explicitly stated she did not want her identity known to a hospital or adoption agency that hospital or agency should honor her wishes. However, that restriction does not apply to anyone else and the resources for finding someone are almost limitless. Especially now with computers and all the databases there re out their. JMHO I N T

Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:40:58 PM)
What about the flipside? What if a mother wishes to find her child? Are there ways through the agency or hospital to keep the mother away from the child, or is it a free for all? If a child has no desire to see her birth parent, who can she report this to? Is there an agency out there that will block this information?

Focusing -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:45:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WesP Do you think it should be allowed if the birth mother has no desire for reunification? Yes. The birth mother always has the option to decline. quote: I think that if a mother explicitly stated at the time of adoption that she did not want to be known, her identity should be forever hidden. People have been known to change their minds after making a decision. There are a LOT of emotions involved ... both while making the decision to give a child up for adoption, and as the years pass by, and it's important to remember that hearts change and minds change. My family has been through this experience. It was a closed adoption. Hearts and lives change ... quote: Generally, an adopted child would probably start at a hospital or adoption agency to begin the search for a birth mother. Generally. In our situation, it was the biological father who contacted the biological mother, and there was a reunion based upon the biological parents' search. There was a letter sent to the child (who had turned 18), requesting her desire for reunion. It was also made clear that her desires would be respected, and that the doors would remain open either way. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter. I like this Sam ....... very true [:)]

LCannon -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:47:05 PM)
On the hand, Wes, that might condemn the child to a never ending question and quest. Oregon's open adoption statute states the mother has first refusal and if she choose no any further contact results in a felony. If the mother or siblings is still alive the child has no claim on the mother's estate or liability; the onus is on the child. When the mother agrees to first contact she(or mutual consent)chooses the place and circumstance. Our neighbor adopted two girls from different mothers and as young adults one decided to go though those hoops with a wonderful outcome. The other daughter didn't have a positive experience but both are as close to their adopted mom as ever; in fact the 95 year old mother lives with the older daughter.

bolt. -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 12:58:35 PM)
If a birth mother wishes to find a minor child, she should only be permitted to contact the adoptive parents, who may or may not permit this. This is based on the Biblical principle of parents as a protective authority over children, such that trying to circumvent that authority in a matter of significance would be unethical. If the birth mother wants to contact an adult-child, that's between two adults -- if the adult-child tuns it down, continued contact attempts might be considered harassment, and would violate the command to consider others more highly than one's self.

doinkdom -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 1:42:06 PM)
I see both sides...and I find credence on both sides. Today, most mothers giving up babies are well aware that one of the consequences or "costs" of their choice is a knock on the door 16-20 years in the future. If they think otherwise...well, they were not well informed especially in our culture of "rights."

makarizo -> RE: Should adopted children always be allowed to find their birth parents? (7/2/2009 9:49:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WesP quote: ORIGINAL: desertgirl Ahhhhh ....... should How I love that word ... should someone do this or should someone do that. A person has the right to make their own decisions no matter what others think they should or should not do. When it comes to a minor child, this is an individual decision that needs to be made with guidance from the adoptive parents (and possibly counselor/s). When it comes to an adult child, well, they are adults and have right to make their own decisions. always and never carry a huge, over-encompassing, even invasive imo, wall of control as well. The bottom line is: this is an individual decision. Do you think it should be allowed if the birth mother has no desire for reunification? do you mean like a restraining order? or an "shame on you/not supposed to" sort of not allowed. and if the mother felt that way, why didn't she just abort it? by giving the baby life, and adoptive parents, she gave it all the freedoms that come with being a person...... the right of the person to choose. so rather than trying to decide whether or not it is okay or not, we need to understand the right to pursue and find, even if unwanted. My sister's oldest son, who is now 28 (as far as she knows) has made no attempt to contact her.... nothing..... it breaks her heart a little, but she did what she felt she needed to do when she was 16. I have never been adopted, have no idea what that would be like, but it seems like the desire to find the biological mother would only be natural. I certainly wouldn't call it unethical. or shameful. should it always be allowed?,,,,,,,, in Canada - no in America - yes!!

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