Rethinking Married love (Full Version)

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ppodmama -> Rethinking Married love (7/2/2009 10:14:05 AM)

A thought rolling around in my head as of late (any of you following my prayer post know of what I speak) is that it is necessary for people to love their spouse the way they love their children, probably even more so. You should know that you have that one person who always has your back, no matter what....your kids will leave and move on with their own lives, but your spouse is with you forever. your thoughts?????



bolt. -> RE: Rethinking Married love (7/2/2009 10:19:30 AM)

Yes the spousal relationship should involve a deep and sacrificial love -- not the same as a parent's love in many particulars -- but deep and abiding, selfless and unconditional.



ppodmama -> RE: Rethinking Married love (7/2/2009 11:57:23 AM)

maybe I need to rephrase....some people choose to make their children to sole target of their intimacy, rather than building that with their spouse.



Feyth -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 10:39:37 AM)

Interesting topic.
I would give my life for my children.
I know that I would give my life for my husband; I love him that much, but I admit that I did not feel that way about my previous husband.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 11:36:05 AM)

It's not a "more" or "less" issue. Spousal and parental love are different.

quote:

maybe I need to rephrase....some people choose to make their children to sole target of their intimacy, rather than building that with their spouse.


I know I have heard of this happening, but I find it very hard to wrap my head around, since in this society most people spend the majority of their lives trying very hard to have sex without children resulting from it. [&:]



Sideways -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 11:40:35 AM)

Well, I do see a lot of people become completely involved in their children, even if they have the standard 2-kid family. It's certainly possible to let your relationship with your spouse slide, especially when children are young and demand so much attention. It's a pretty common problem, actually. Kids grow up and leave home, then there are 2 strangers staring at each other, wondering what should they do now?

My dH and I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old, and we fight to remember sometimes that we are husband and wife, not just father and mother.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 11:52:29 AM)

Many parents, mothers especially put all of their emotioal needs on their children.This is especially true if the marriage isnt good or they are single parents. This is VERY unhealthy and causes no end of problems for the children as they attempt to cut the apron strings. My husbands mother was like this. her marriage wasnt happy so my husband become her 'surrogate' husband. In fact part of the reason he left Australia was to remove himself from this disfunctional relationship.

Our husbands need to come first, but the love is different. We need to always remember that our children are only ours for a time and then they need to move on and live their own lives.Our spouses are still going to be there when the children are gone.

I know 2 or 3 mothers who really dont want their children to leave home.They put subtle pressure on them to stay even though the children are well into their 20's and need to be getting some independance. One is divorced, one has an unhappy marriage. This will probably end up either with them being 'mummys boys' or whatever the female equivalent is, or doing what my husband did and moving FAR away to get away from the pressure.

God, husband, children that is the right order.



42servehymn -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 12:22:06 PM)

quote:

My husbands mother was like this. her marriage wasnt happy so my husband become her 'surrogate' husband. In fact part of the reason he left Australia was to remove himself from this disfunctional relationship.




My husbands mother did the same thing. VERY unhealthy and damaging to our marriage and I felt bad that my husband felt caught in the middle between myself and his mother. We also moved, across country in our case, to have a life of our own. I will become a MIL in December when my oldest son gets married and I will NOT over involve myself in their lives. My son has already been told that his wife will be his priority and he is to tell me to but out when necessary. My need to feel important in his life is not more important than his happy healthy marriage.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 9:30:29 PM)

There are times in some marriages when one spouse finds himself/herself
"abandoned" in the marriage and all they have is the child or children.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 9:52:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

There are times in some marriages when one spouse finds himself/herself
"abandoned" in the marriage and all they have is the child or children.


Well, Jamie that is true and it happened to me. My marriage suddenly broke up when my kids were aged 14, 18 and 21, but I made VERY sure that I didnt depend on them emotionally or live my life through them, or put any pressure on them to be there for me or not to leave home. My son is the eldest and I wanted to ensure that he didnt feel responsible for me just becuase his dad wasnt there, and when an opportunity came up for him to leave home I encouraged him to do it, becuase my job as a parent is to encourage my children to be independant and to cut the apron strings.
They are still our children and not our surrogate spouse. I hate to see perents putting their emotional rubbish on to their children, or putting pressure on them to stay wth them, you know the whole'guilt trip' thing. It is very selfish. I have seen it and it is very unhealthy.



deermousie -> RE: Rethinking Married love (9/7/2009 10:13:43 PM)

It doesn't help a nice, romantic marriage when the first child is born and suddenly 105% of the mother's time, energy and thoughts are about the baby. The poor guy feels abandoned, and can be the beginning of some problems if not dealt with well.

The goal is for those kids to grow up to godly, competent adulthood. During toddlerhood, you're sure they'll forever be eating worms and diving head-first off the couch. Then suddenly, they're leaving for college or a job and you buck yourself up and say "This is what we raised them for. We gave them roots and now we'll give them wings." And you cry your eyes out because you miss them so much.

The big surprise (after your two year old is accepted to college - when did they get taller than you?) can be that one of the mates dies. Marriage is not for life, it's until death intervenes. It's right there in your wedding vows, but you probably weren't thinking that far ahead. Rare it is when a married couple dies at the same time.

Through all of these stages of life, people are moving around and it's a bumpy ride. God is the one part of our life that never wavers, never gets sick or quits, never stops loving us. We cherish the people He puts in our lives and it hurts when they leave. But to be less involved would make us robotic. That's no life.

Cherish the moment; it will pass. God is good, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

Aside: yes, I told my kid to grow up and be the marvelous person she is and I would be cheering wildly from the sidelines. I never thought she would actually take my word for it. But here I am, pompoms in hand and yelling myself hoarse. As hoarse as you can get on email. How I love that kid!



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