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Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/3/2009 6:28:59 AM
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rebakahblam
Posts: 1587
Joined: 12/6/2008
From: Indianapolis
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First, woo woo alliteration to the third power...
Now, I searched the internets (including das forums) for discussions on this and did not find many results.
My main question: how do I keep from screwing this up?
Or more tactfully - what does Christ-centered dating really look like?
I know we've had discussions on how dating should be - but how do you actually put that into practice?
How do you go about incorporating a shared faith in such a way that you're still putting God first on your own but also building a strong, shared foundation?
When is it appropriate to share aspects of your personal walk? When is it appropriate to study together? When is it appropriate to pray together?
What does purity mean to you? How can you ensure purity of mind and heart as well as body?
How can you measure a healthy progression?
What are the hallmarks of a God-centered, healthy, and maturing relationship?
These are a lot I am throwing at you all, pick and choose if you like, but I am honestly asking.
Oh and feel free to add any other tidbits of information you have gained yup.
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/3/2009 11:14:59 AM
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Kanike
Posts: 26
Joined: 10/23/2005
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Hi Reba, I don't have a lot of time right now to fully answer this so I may come back and respond to this again.
I just wanted to say that the way to effective dating is to probably go with what Gary Chapman advises...look at dating as ministry. If we date, treating it as a ministry, we will be more inclined to serve one another, pray for one another, etc. we will be far better off than if we see dating as a way to get a mate. If we date seeing it as ministry we will be more likely to give to the other what that person needs, taking our focus off ourselves. We must believe that God knows our needs and is taking care of them for us. "We are to ask God for everything and whatever he doesn't give us we don't need" - Martin Luther. Also, check out this book Toward a Growing Marriage by Gary Chapman.
Also, the older I get the more I am looking for a man to lead in the spiritual things - prayer, bible study, etc. I've always WANTED this, now I NEED this. I believe if he doesn't lead in the "dating relationship", he will probaby not lead in marriage and at this point in my life, I WILL NOT SETTLE for a man who does not know his place and calling in his relationship with a woman to LEAD HER SPIRITUALLY. Very important!!
So...Christ centered dating should not be about us but serving others. After all, that is where true joy and peace comes from isn't it? - serving God and serving others knowing that Christ takes care of all our needs.
Also, have more than one bible study, ie: don't be depending on the man to be your only spiritual leader and teacher, esp. if you are ONLY dating...or you could become WAY too dependent on him!! I've seen women do this and it's NOT healthy!
Hope this helps. I look forward to coming back and reading more thoughts and opinions by others.
Have a beautiful day and God Bless,
Kanike
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/3/2009 11:35:53 AM
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JHerr
Posts: 333
Joined: 4/15/2009
From: Michigan
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebakahblam
When is it appropriate to share aspects of your personal walk? When is it appropriate to study together? When is it appropriate to pray together?
I think the best time to share aspects of your personal walk are right in the beginning. It helps to avoid problems that could arise later in a relationship by both individuals discussing where they are at.
I study with different peoples at different times. It depends on when they are ready to allow that to happen. Studying together is a great way to learn theological views a little more in depth and get a better understanding of each other and their walk with Christ.
I will pray with or for anyone who asks me, any time. Now, in the early stages of a new relationship, you don't pray that the relationship works out (IMO). Rather that Christ will guide you both in whichever way he see fit.
quote:
What does purity mean to you? How can you ensure purity of mind and heart as well as body?
One of the best ways I sum up purity is 'devotion'. Not necessarily towards the other person, but more towards God. By staying pure to him, I would be staying pure in whatever relationship I am in. I am following what he tells me, and avoiding temptations.
Ensuring purity of the mind and heart is harder. You have to pray, and make a CONSCIOUS decision to work towards God and walk your path with him. It becomes easier with time. It is a matter of training.
That's all I know ;)
_____________________________
My teaching is not my own. It comes from him who sent me. If anyone chooses to do God's will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak of my own. John 7:16-17
http://vaporzone.blogspot.com/
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/3/2009 12:56:58 PM
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MainstayNut
Posts: 1405
Joined: 1/11/2009
From: Where "ain't" and "ya'll" ARE words.
Status: online
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I've wondered this too, Reba. If it's hard for you at your age to find anything about that, just try to imagine how hard it is for ME!  Okay, just kidding....
quote:
How do you go about incorporating a shared faith in such a way that you're still putting God first on your own but also building a strong, shared foundation?
Good question. Let me just share a little bit of my life here.
I have a friend...eh, I'll call him John. He's my age. Anyway, me and him met on a forum (not this one...haha). So when we became friends on Facebook I didn't really think much about it. I mean, I'm friends with you and a lot of other people I've never met. And then this month, one of our mutual friends comes to us with all this stuff going on in her life. I mean bad stuff. So we've been ministering to her and trying to lead her to the Lord and such. Me and John have prayed together over this girl. We've wrestled tough questions about life, like just last night we got into a disscussion about baptism, which isn't something I'd just study on my own.
So can I say that John and I incorporate our faith into our friendship? Absolutly. Does that mean God is always first? Well, I hate to say it but not always.
In a dating relationship, I imagine it's a lot harder to keep God first. I mean John and I are not dating, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend, we don't spend every moment of the day talking to each other, and it's STILL hard to keep our friendship where it should be, as far as faith is concerned, you know? I don't htink a lot of Christians are really prepared when it comes to dating, because it really is hard to focus once you know someone of the opposite gender digs you...haha.
So what I'd say to you is develop an intimate walk with Jesus BEFORE the relationship with a man. That way it's a lot easier to start with a Godly foundation.
My two cents....take it or leave it. 
_____________________________
"You can order all this heartbreak - You don't need my permission to move." -Mainstay
Come on, you know you want to see my blog!
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/3/2009 3:57:04 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4022
Status: offline
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I think one has to know his/her purpose in dating and see how that purpose lines up with God's desire for how we treat opposite sex. That would be the first thing to look into to determine if your motive in dating is pure.
quote:
How do you go about incorporating a shared faith in such a way that you're still putting God first on your own but also building a strong, shared foundation?
I think one has to very firm in his/her conviction about his faith and beliefs.
quote:
When is it appropriate to share aspects of your personal walk? When is it appropriate to study together? When is it appropriate to pray together?
I'd want to know right away how his personal walk with Christ...likely within the first two dates. Being compatible in this area is an essential criteria for me, and since I date with the intention of finding someone to marry, I'd like to know early on if the man is equipped with strong faith in Christ. I won't marry anyone who can't serve as a spiritual head of the marriage.
quote:
What does purity mean to you? How can you ensure purity of mind and heart as well as body?
This is hard for me to answer because I have to be attracted to the person I'm going to date and marry and with that attraction comes desires. How does one continue being close to someone and not have those desires for them? When does those desire become sinful? To be completely honest, and I don't know if anyone will agree with on this (well, maybe John O would), I can't imagine dating someone for a long time if I can't envision wanting to be intimate with them. I'm not saying I would cross that line, but without those feelings, I doubt that we would be compatible.
quote:
How can you measure a healthy progression?
When you see their strong conviction to follow God, when you see their genuine care for you and you start buiding a foundation of relationship base on biblical principles...
quote:
What are the hallmarks of a God-centered, healthy, and maturing relationship? See above....
I don't believe in dating someone for a long time and don't believe in long engagement either. I believe in intentional, purposeful dating. That's why I strongly advocate really getting one's faith ironed out before sharing one's life with another person, and learning to praying for wisdom and discernment when dating, and having a list of "must haves" and "can't stands" like Neil Clark Warren advises.
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
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Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/4/2009 1:56:04 AM
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rebakahblam
Posts: 1587
Joined: 12/6/2008
From: Indianapolis
Status: offline
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JHerr:
quote:
I think the best time to share aspects of your personal walk are right in the beginning. It helps to avoid problems that could arise later in a relationship by both individuals discussing where they are at.
I think this is important. So much of the world says to focus on just having fun first. This usually means relationship bonds are just weak sauce and when it comes to the foundation issues that are quite honestly the things that make or break a relationship you already have this great connection and attraction that one of two things happen.
The first is that you have to experience the pain from those bonds breaking apart when you realize you two aren’t compatible, or, the more dangerous thing is that you are blinded and continue prattling along into one hot mess.
I prefer the reverse – let’s get the big foundational blocks put down and if they don’t seem to fit together – let’s say goodbye…but if they seem to connect perfectly, well let’s get a move on to laying the rooms on top of that foundation. I think this seems somewhat backwards that you’re talking about the more serious parts of relationship first and might mean courtship is faster than secular dating – but I prefer this model.
quote:
I study with different peoples at different times. It depends on when they are ready to allow that to happen.
At what point would you personally feel comfortable doing that. I mean, generally speaking, how would you determine when that would be and would that begin with just a mutual bible study that would morph into you leading as the male or what?
quote:
Now, in the early stages of a new relationship, you don't pray that the relationship works out (IMO). Rather that Christ will guide you both in whichever way he see fit.
Completely agree.
quote:
One of the best ways I sum up purity is 'devotion'. Not necessarily towards the other person, but more towards God. By staying pure to him, I would be staying pure in whatever relationship I am in. I am following what he tells me, and avoiding temptations.
This is beautiful. Completely agree again.
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/4/2009 2:01:23 AM
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rebakahblam
Posts: 1587
Joined: 12/6/2008
From: Indianapolis
Status: offline
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Mainstay:
Can I just say that you make my heart smile so completely and you have such a wonderful wisdom…far beyond your years my dear.
quote:
I've wondered this too, Reba. If it's hard for you at your age to find anything about that, just try to imagine how hard it is for ME!
Oh boy yes, I completely agree. I really have an issue with the church leaving us on our own pretty much. It’s not that they don’t properly explain how to love but they fail to connect that in romantic relationships…but that’s another topic altogether.
quote:
So can I say that John and I incorporate our faith into our friendship? Absolutly. Does that mean God is always first? Well, I hate to say it but not always.
I guess using the example of how my best friend and I incorporate faith into our relationship will definitely help me to figure out how it should be in a romantic relationship – and after it looks like it’s for realizes.
quote:
So what I'd say to you is develop an intimate walk with Jesus BEFORE the relationship with a man. That way it's a lot easier to start with a Godly foundation.
Definitely, seek first his kingdom. And I can assure you if you continue to do that as you grow, you’re going to make not only a wonderful wife but such a wonderful example of Christ’s love. Keep it up!
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/4/2009 2:03:20 AM
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rebakahblam
Posts: 1587
Joined: 12/6/2008
From: Indianapolis
Status: offline
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PH:
quote:
you start buiding a foundation of relationship base on biblical principles
I think this is the meat of it.
So I'm curious your thoughts on just what those biblical principles?
For me, that'd mean loving my neighbor as myself - seeking to challenge and encourage that person to become the person they are called to be. It's the how you do this bit that is difficult to tell and I believe circumstantial.
When I look at a potential romantic issue I have to ask myself, how should I love you? What is appropriate when? What way can I communicate Christ's love to you so that you might be built up and pushed onward regardless if we wind up together or not. And I think it begins with just viewing this individual as another brother or sister in Christ and from there as the foundation is built upon the affection grows.
quote:
I don't believe in dating someone for a long time and don't believe in long engagement either. I believe in intentional, purposeful dating. That's why I strongly advocate really getting one's faith ironed out before sharing one's life with another person, and learning to praying for wisdom and discernment when dating
I agree. By date three you should know if this is something worth pursuing. If it is – and the goal is marriage – well work out all the steps to get there. That doesn’t mean in a month I’d expect a ring or even in a year – but why delay a life together if that is what God has confirmed? I mean obviously it is different for each couple and in each circumstance but I agree on principle with you.
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/4/2009 11:59:27 AM
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MainstayNut
Posts: 1405
Joined: 1/11/2009
From: Where "ain't" and "ya'll" ARE words.
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebakahblam
Mainstay:
Can I just say that you make my heart smile so completely and you have such a wonderful wisdom…far beyond your years my dear.
quote:
I've wondered this too, Reba. If it's hard for you at your age to find anything about that, just try to imagine how hard it is for ME!
Oh boy yes, I completely agree. I really have an issue with the church leaving us on our own pretty much. It’s not that they don’t properly explain how to love but they fail to connect that in romantic relationships…but that’s another topic altogether.
quote:
So can I say that John and I incorporate our faith into our friendship? Absolutly. Does that mean God is always first? Well, I hate to say it but not always.
I guess using the example of how my best friend and I incorporate faith into our relationship will definitely help me to figure out how it should be in a romantic relationship – and after it looks like it’s for realizes.
quote:
So what I'd say to you is develop an intimate walk with Jesus BEFORE the relationship with a man. That way it's a lot easier to start with a Godly foundation.
Definitely, seek first his kingdom. And I can assure you if you continue to do that as you grow, you’re going to make not only a wonderful wife but such a wonderful example of Christ’s love. Keep it up!
-reba.
Thanks Reba, but there are tons of people smarter and more wise than I.
quote:
quote:
I've wondered this too, Reba. If it's hard for you at your age to find anything about that, just try to imagine how hard it is for ME!
Oh boy yes, I completely agree. I really have an issue with the church leaving us on our own pretty much. It’s not that they don’t properly explain how to love but they fail to connect that in romantic relationships…but that’s another topic altogether.
This part really hurts me. The church (especially the youth group) gives plenty of logical examples of why NOT to date, how to dress modestly, and blah blah blah. But when it comes to approaching a potential mate in a Godly way they are silent. Or if they do it's really...IDK, I always thought it was kind of a hit-and-miss when it comes to good advice about having a relationship in godly terms.
_____________________________
"You can order all this heartbreak - You don't need my permission to move." -Mainstay
Come on, you know you want to see my blog!
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/5/2009 2:37:31 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4022
Status: offline
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quote:
So I'm curious your thoughts on just what those biblical principles?
Well, basically, just establishing early on that God is authority in your life and recognizing what God says about how you should relate to each other. Start establishing respect and trust, which is the two most important building blocks of relationships. Most people say that communication is the key, but I would say that communication is only as good as the level of trust and respect that you have for each other. So, focus on how you can act to give and gain respect and trust.
Anyway, it's late....gotta end my late night ramblings here....hope that helps a bit....
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/5/2009 1:11:02 PM
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JHerr
Posts: 333
Joined: 4/15/2009
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebakahblam
At what point would you personally feel comfortable doing that. I mean, generally speaking, how would you determine when that would be and would that begin with just a mutual bible study that would morph into you leading as the male or what?
-reba.
First off, I apologize if I don't catch all of my spelling errors, didn't sleep well last night.
Usually, once I realize that my theology blends with someone else's or that they will accept the invitation, I begin a bible study. I had a few with some friends of mine.
Now, as into the dating aspect of this...I am not too sure. I mean, I think I would just go into it with a mutual bible study that, since I am the man, I would lead. This would be good practice for me as the male lead in the family on two fronts. One it will require me to delve even more deeply into His word, along with giving me practice of just taking the lead.
Not too sure, I guess that is just one of those things I will have to address with her when I meet her.
_____________________________
My teaching is not my own. It comes from him who sent me. If anyone chooses to do God's will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak of my own. John 7:16-17
http://vaporzone.blogspot.com/
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/5/2009 3:18:17 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7802
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebakahblam
My main question: how do I keep from screwing this up?
Or more tactfully - what does Christ-centered dating really look like?
Just like living a Christ centered life.
quote:
How do you go about incorporating a shared faith in such a way that you're still putting God first on your own but also building a strong, shared foundation?
Talk a lot. Share right up front that you are a sincere Christian, after that any Christ centered topic is going to be fair game. If they don't like it then they are obviously not right for you. Next!
quote:
When is it appropriate to share aspects of your personal walk? When is it appropriate to study together?
Pretty much right off the bat as neither of these things is an intimacy builder.
quote:
When is it appropriate to pray together?
I try not to pray with a woman until I am sure that I want her around for a long time. Prayer builds intimacy between the two who are praying. If I'm not sure that I want someone then it would be wrong for me to build that level of intimacy with them.
quote:
What does purity mean to you?
Keep your life Christ centered. If you cannot be comfortable doing something with Christ RIGHT THERE BESIDE YOU WATCHING, then it's not pure.
quote:
How can you ensure purity of mind and heart as well as body?
Body is easy. Keep it zipped and watch where you put your hands. (Not watch as in look where you put your hands, that could lead to problems all it's own, but be careful of the physical contact bewteen the two of you.)
Mind is a bit tougher. Again keep Christ in the relationship. It is normal for a man and woman to desire one another, and I'd say if you don't desire each other then you don't really fit, but those thoughts have to be kept in bondage to Christ.
quote:
How can you measure a healthy progression?
Are you growing more comfortable with each other and sharing deeper thoughts? (without finding red flags)
quote:
What are the hallmarks of a God-centered, healthy, and maturing relationship?
I seldom do hallmark. I like the cheap cards. 
Comfortable with each other without either being pressured. When you can spend a whole day together without talking and still be totally relaxed, then you are well on your way.
If you are not afraid to talk of God at any time, if you respect each other, and each others dreams and ideals, if you know more about them today than you did yesterday.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/5/2009 3:23:17 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7802
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
What does purity mean to you? How can you ensure purity of mind and heart as well as body?
This is hard for me to answer because I have to be attracted to the person I'm going to date and marry and with that attraction comes desires. How does one continue being close to someone and not have those desires for them? When does those desire become sinful? To be completely honest, and I don't know if anyone will agree with on this (well, maybe John O would), I can't imagine dating someone for a long time if I can't envision wanting to be intimate with them. I'm not saying I would cross that line, but without those feelings, I doubt that we would be compatible.
I have it on very good authority that John_O agrees with you.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/5/2009 3:49:04 PM
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pruned
Posts: 1582
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Now, as into the dating aspect of this...I am not too sure. I mean, I think I would just go into it with a mutual bible study that, since I am the man, I would lead. This would be good practice for me as the male lead in the family on two fronts. One it will require me to delve even more deeply into His word, along with giving me practice of just taking the lead.
I agree with this in principle. But practically, not every man has the gift of teaching, while in that same relationship, the woman may have that gift. Not to derail the thread, but in terms of personality, temperment, character, and spiritual giftings, how is this handled appropriately and healthily?
_____________________________
I owe more to the fire, and the hammer, and the file, than anything else in the Lord's workshop. -- Charles Spurgeon
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/6/2009 12:53:53 AM
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rebakahblam
Posts: 1587
Joined: 12/6/2008
From: Indianapolis
Status: offline
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I'd second pruned's thought though I do like the idea of a man wanting to lead a bible study - I sometimes struggle with the concept of a man leading because I myself feel I have several leadership traits and can't figure out the balance.
And I'd disagree with John_O that discussing one's walk is not intimacy building - if my faith is the core of my being the more I share of my walk in that faith the more intimate I am being spiritually. Maybe it possible for a man not to feel it intimate but I do. But perhaps that is my own personal weakness.
-reba.
_____________________________
<<<<can't nobody pull off aviators like i can.
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RE: Purposeful, Prayerful, and Pure Dating... - 7/6/2009 9:14:17 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7802
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rebakahblam
And I'd disagree with John_O that discussing one's walk is not intimacy building - if my faith is the core of my being the more I share of my walk in that faith the more intimate I am being spiritually. Maybe it possible for a man not to feel it intimate but I do. But perhaps that is my own personal weakness.
It may build some intimacy, just as knowing someone's goals will build intimacy of a sort, but it's as nothing compared to praying with someone. I can discuss my dreams, hopes, goals, faith etc with someone all day long and never form a connection with them. I can learn their hopes dreams faith etc and never form a connection. It's almost impossible to sincerely pray with someone and NOT form a connection.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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