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Should the goal of arriage be fulfilment - 7/6/2009 11:16:41 PM
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Prairiehiker
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I'm asking because if one mentions that they are not happy in their situation, most Christians would respond with "well, you're not supposed to get every thing you desire, and your happiness shouldn't be tied to your circumstances". Ok, that sounds good...but what happens if two people are not in a happy marriage. What if two people can't communicate, can't get along, have nothing in common, have grown to dislike each other. In other words, they're not happy. Should they make their happiness a goal, or just accept the common advice that "happiness is not a goal, and you're not going to get every desire you want"...
Just curious. I have friends in this situation who vows to stay married for life because marriage is for life...
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Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
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Go Steelers!!!
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RE: Should the goal of arriage be fulfilment - 7/6/2009 11:39:51 PM
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a_sparrow
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I would think we would want our marriages to mirror the union between Christ and the Church. I can't see any resemblance between "two people [who] can't communicate, can't get along...have grown to dislike each other" and Christ + His Church. So, I wouldn't think that gritting our teeth and continuing in such a pattern would be a great idea. Of course, if the only available alternatives are that and divorce, staying married without seeking change is the more honorable course of action. I'm not sure, though, why there would be nothing the spouses could do to address their marital problems. They could certainly pray, and it is likely that they could do other things as well. Of course, one spouse may limit the options available to the other by refusing to cooperate.
I don't think the goal of marriage is personal fulfillment, but I think that most of us hope to find some measure of it in marriage. It is more likely to come, I think, if both spouses are working on the marriage in obedience to God. However, there are periods in marriage that don't feel particularly fulfilling, and we grow during these difficult times.
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Elizabeth
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RE: Should the goal of arriage be fulfilment - 7/7/2009 1:48:40 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Joined: 6/8/2005
From: being knit together in my mother's womb
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I recently told a single lady whose shirt read "Looking for Mr. Right" that she would not find him until she had been married to him for 20 years. Tongue-in-cheek, maybe, but sometimes, it takes that long for the two to mature enough to let go of their selfishness enough to begin to love one another fully. Maybe that couple who plan on sticking it out have something. You may call it either foolishness or tenacity, but they just may find themselves actually celebrating when it comes to their own twentieth!
There is an old Jewish myth about a wicked man whose sinful ways, as often happens, changed his facial features into something that was grotesque and offensive to those who saw him. But one day, he saw a beautiful, pure young lady and fell in love with her. He desired her love so much that he made a handsome mask with the hope that she would fall in love with it. Wearing it, he went to her father and asked to marry her.
As is the custom, with the father's permission, he courted her tenderly until the date of their marriage came, never removing his mask. Once married, he realized that in order to keep her, he would have to continue wearing the mask and treating her as he did when he courted her, so he did.
Twenty years went by, and he began to feel guilty about his secret. He decided he needed to show her his true face.
He went to her, telling her what he had done and how sorry he was for hiding who he really was from her. He carefully removed the mask to show her his true face, expecting her to recoil from him. Instead, however, she reached out to my with a tender touch and said, "I always wondered why you wore your mask, but seeing you, I wonder even more! Your face looks just like the mask, and I love what I see."
Stunned, he ran to the mirror. There, he saw the same face as was that of the beautiful mask he had made so long ago, in order to entice her to love him. Only then did he realize that as he had acted lovingly, in order to pretend to be as the mask portrayed him, his ways had changed, his desires had changed, and even his face had changed to be the man she had fallen in love with.
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While in prayer or praise, I am only as devoted to G-d as I am in my most private moments.
Abiyah, if you had known them as G-d knows them, you would have answered them differently.
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RE: Should the goal of arriage be fulfilment - 7/7/2009 4:54:06 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3575
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Marriage is for the purpose of glorifying God. He designed it so that *if we do it right* we can be happy. But yes, vows are vows.
quote:
Ok, that sounds good...but what happens if two people are not in a happy marriage. What if two people can't communicate, can't get along, have nothing in common, have grown to dislike each other. In other words, they're not happy. Should they make their happiness a goal, or just accept the common advice that "happiness is not a goal, and you're not going to get every desire you want"...
They should grow up and start behaving like the Christians they claim to be--treating each other kindly, with respect, and with Christlike love, not the least because that is what they vowed before God to do. Why is divorce and looking for a "better" person the only answer there?
I have lived with some cranky, miserable, unhappy people in my life. They always think their problem is someone else (their spouse, their child, the cashier at Walmart, the trashman, the pastor...).  But the reality is, all it would take is just a slight shift of attitude and adjustment of behavior, and they would be so, so much happier. Also, the fact is that if you fight with your spouse now, you are likely to fight with the newer model as well. *Most* of the time it takes both people to keep the bitterness going. Barring the circumstance of being married to a psychopath, it often takes just one person determining to behave like a Christian for God to turn the marriage around. After the other spouse recovers from the shock, it's possible they might just start reciprocating. But that requires one person to stop being selfish and stop "standing on their right" to be right all the time, and to love sacrificially. So in that regard, it's so much easier to try to find happiness in a new mate, I suppose. 
And there is much to be said for riding out the storms and being committed to obeying God no matter what one's spouse does. When we were first married and having all our troubles, I would never, never have imagined the healing and maturing that I would see take place in either my dh and myself. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't always been happy but it has been totally worthwhile. Just this morning my husband had an epiphany about something I have been praying about for 6 years--something that he needs to change in himself. Seeing that is a jewel that I would not trade in for the most "perfect" of men.
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 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Should the goal of Marriage be fulfilment - 7/7/2009 9:33:00 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3792
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
I'm asking because if one mentions that they are not happy in their situation, most Christians would respond with "well, you're not supposed to get every thing you desire, and your happiness shouldn't be tied to your circumstances". Ok, that sounds good...but what happens if two people are not in a happy marriage. What if two people can't communicate, can't get along, have nothing in common, have grown to dislike each other. In other words, they're not happy. Should they make their happiness a goal, or just accept the common advice that "happiness is not a goal, and you're not going to get every desire you want"... Unfortunately this is all too common, esp in christian circles where divorce is frowned upon.
The problem is selfishness:
I am not fulfilled.
I can't talk to that person.
I can't agree with that person.
I don't like that person.
It is all about ME and what I can get.
If they both would change the focus into something like "How can I bless 'that person' today? What can I do to help?" they would find an amazing amount of grace and fulfillment in that relationship.
< Message edited by DaveW -- 7/7/2009 1:20:34 PM >
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Avatar is my daughter Laura and SIL David on their wedding 9/20/09 ====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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