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Widow/Widower Singles - 7/16/2009 4:24:07 PM
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Chrio
Posts: 227
Joined: 6/25/2009
From: INLAND EMPIRE, CA.
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Glory to the Name of our Lord & Savior!!
I think I mentioned before that I am a widower. I know of one or two others, who post here, are also. I'd like to know if there are more and how do we (you) feel about having your marital status changed in such a dramatic way. What do you feel your future holds for you?
My wife went home to Jesus last October, so I have not yet completed my first year of 'firsts'. I believe the toughest portion is just behind me, her birthday was the 8th. Yet grief is such a tricky, spontaneous thing that you are never on guard or expecting it.
Well, please offer your thoughts, feelings and experiences as you feel free to share.
regret looks back, worry looks around but faith looks up from where our help comes from ...
_____________________________
Be A Blessing
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/16/2009 5:05:49 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7808
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Chrio
Glory to the Name of our Lord & Savior!!
I think I mentioned before that I am a widower. I know of one or two others, who post here, are also. I'd like to know if there are more and how do we (you) feel about having your marital status changed in such a dramatic way. What do you feel your future holds for you?
My wife went home to Jesus last October, so I have not yet completed my first year of 'firsts'. I believe the toughest portion is just behind me, her birthday was the 8th. Yet grief is such a tricky, spontaneous thing that you are never on guard or expecting it.
Well, please offer your thoughts, feelings and experiences as you feel free to share.
regret looks back, worry looks around but faith looks up from where our help comes from ...
Chrio I'm so sorry to hear that. My M went home 3 1/2 years ago. It does get easier, just give it time.
I've an 8 yo daughter so I'm still a family man.
On to your questions:
quote:
how do we (you) feel about having your marital status changed in such a dramatic way.
Absolutely awful. But God prepared us for it for about a year. M came down with a mental illness that kind of removed her from us about 9 months before she passed away. So my grieving actually started before she died.
quote:
What do you feel your future holds for you?
I'll meet someone perfect for me. We'll get married, maybe have a child or two (although time is slipping away) and live life the best we can. I expect that life will be good.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/16/2009 6:23:10 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1596
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline
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Chrio;
There are a few of us. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your being catapulted into singleness. I know the feeling of realizing I'd never planned to be single again!
I lost my husband in a hit-and-run accident 10 (almost 11) years ago, now. My 4 children were 15, 12, 5 and 15 months when he was killed.
I want desperately to marry again, but so far God has not seen fit to bring someone into my life, and I know God well enough to be less optimistic about the possibilities than John_O. I am preparing myself for the eventuality that God plans to keep me to be single the rest of my life. But I'm also hopeful that someday He will provide a husband again. It's somewhat hard to plan for both, but since it is what He asks of me, He will also help me to do it.
The hardest thing for me right now is realizing that any grandchildren He may bless me with will not have a grandfather.
May God continue to be your strength and your song as you walk through this season of your life.
shallbe
_____________________________
has decided that the command against forsaking the assembling of ourselves together shall henceforth be considered satisfied when she wakes up each morning and finds that all her body parts are still assembled...
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/16/2009 11:35:50 PM
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tz3
Posts: 589
Status: offline
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I am 41
I have 3 boys 19,17, and 14
Lost my R March 2, 2007
My R died suddenly. On minute he was recovering from a quadruple bypass and the next he was dead from a blood clot to the lungs. A mality I have heard at least 7 people since survive, so I don't understand. Will never understand and when it happened, no I was not happy with it. Not that I am happy now, but I have healed and I am ready to move on, and have been actively looking.
I spent some time in prayer and fasting and God told me I would get married again.
I am leaving the details in God's hands.
I just want to be passionately loved and I want him to get along with my kids even if they are out of the house. I always want them to feel welcome and as if they have a home if they need it. I love family and come from a big one.
Just know this ,everyone grieves in their own way in their own time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You may experience all the stages or some of the stages and skip some and revisit others over and over again. It's okay. Your normal and there is nothing wrong with you. There is no time limit to the grieving process either. I fully expect that I could be married again and some smell, touch, sound, scenery or event will cause me to pause in remembrence of my R and perhaps shed a tear, but it will not change how I feel about my new husband and my new life. My grief group calls this the new norm. I think because things will never be the same again and it is hard at first to let go and develope new dreams and a new life. Just because you move on does not mean your erasing or forgetting your loved one although it may feel like this at times in the beginning.
Women seem to out number men in this area and from research I have done on this men seem to find it harder to find a good support system then women, but then again some of this seems to also be linked to geographic location oddly. I attend a grief share group with my boys as they can not attend unless I show up and I am a member of www.dailystrength.org. They have many other groups they cater to not just widows and widowers and they have been a huge source of support to me. I have more books than I know what to do with on death and dying than I ever thought would grace by book shelves. I will attempt to answer your questions as best I can and I will be praying for you.
Oh, yes grief can take you off guard. I am a cafeteria manager at an elementary school so I have to keep it together when I am around them. Someone once told me that she learned that If she told herself she could not grieve now but at 5 pm when she was off the clock and in her car she would give herself permission to boo hoo that was enough to help her muscile through it. It has worked 99.9% of the time for me in the past. So if you find yourself in a similar situation you may want to try that.
< Message edited by tz3 -- 7/16/2009 11:59:17 PM >
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/18/2009 5:52:25 PM
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Chrio
Posts: 227
Joined: 6/25/2009
From: INLAND EMPIRE, CA.
Status: offline
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Greetings in Jesus!
My deepest heartfelt THANKS to all for your love, comfort and encouragement.
What I didn't share initially is that this was my second wife. My first wife also went home to Christ, some 13 years ago. CS (my firt wife) and I had the privilege of building a fun & happy home for raising 3 beautiful children she would be so proud of today! We have 5 gorgeous Gkids who equally would make her proud.
Their health issues and death were so similar that I could not hardly believe I was living through it again. HS (my second wife) was a life long friend and therefore a friend of CS also. I could not have imagined how easy it would be to love HS as much as I did. Marrying in our early 50s, we declared it an ongoing Honeymoon. It was that, even with her health issues. We spent the greatest portion of nearly everyday in each other's company. My kids & Gkids loved her totally and my youngest Gdaughter only knew her as Grandma.
CS was never out of my mind or heart but since HS' passing I find myself mourning them both equally. It feels like a neverending cycle. July is tough because both their BD's are in this month. My youngest daughter is 31 and single. Two years ago she was engaged and the joy she had as she & HS worked and prayed through her wedding plans. It was then I realized just how much my daughter really loved and trusted HS. (the wedding didn't occur) It was heart wrenching to have to call and tell her a second time her mom was gone.
Toughest for me has been the church where I have attended and served for nearly 30 years. I'm an Assoc Pastor but with that many years everyone knows me and I know nearly all of them. They want me "ok" and "back to normal" without realizing neither of those exist for me. I had to stay away for about 4-5 months, just to give me time to work up an acceptable face and the strength to sustain it. Even still now I can only attend the early service, where I use to be in attendance all day & evening.
This is getting too long, so let me just say that the Joy of the Lord is my strength! and as He showed me in CS' passing, His Grace is sufficient!
Thank you for your posts and concern toward me. God truly guided me to these forums for this season of life.
regret looks back, worry looksaround but faith looks up from where our help comes from ...
_____________________________
Be A Blessing
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/18/2009 11:28:03 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1596
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline
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Chrio:
Wow, you've been through it twice! That is truly tough. Knowing that that might happen to me is one of the ways I comfort myself in being single: if God keeps me single the rest of my life, I'll never have to attend another spouse's funeral and feel that skinned-alive, gut-ripped-out feeling again.
I eventually left the town where my husband was killed because I realized I was never going to be anyone but "Mike's widow" there, and I felt I was too young and interested in life for that label. In some ways it's sad to be here, where few knew or remember him, but in others it has let me grow. So I think it's quite ok for you to distance yourself from your church for a season, or even permanently at some future time.
I recently had the experience of meeting my ddh's best friend again after many years, only to discover that he had been single for a short while: I would definitely have been interested in him as a possible 2nd husband had God allowed us to be in proximity while he was single. Providentially, however, we were not, and he is now married again. So I kind of relate in the matter of having a relationship with a friend of the deceased spouse, if that makes sense.
It's encouraging to me to hear that you remarried in your 50's. I was younger when widowed, and keep having the thought that I am getting too old to remarry. But maybe, with your example, I can give myself hope that that is not true.
Thanks for telling your story.
We're here to listen if you need an ear.
shallbe
_____________________________
has decided that the command against forsaking the assembling of ourselves together shall henceforth be considered satisfied when she wakes up each morning and finds that all her body parts are still assembled...
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/19/2009 1:19:01 AM
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tz3
Posts: 589
Status: offline
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Chrio
My Uncle's current wife is dying of ALS and his first wife died of ALS, so I am waiting and watching from the wings ready to jump in if and when he needs me. She only has until maybe Christmas. My hope and prayer is that she go either sooner or wait until January after the holidays, preferably the later as they both want as much time left together as possible. I was so awe struck when my Aunt said she was willing to take a certain drug even if it only gave her one more month. She is taking things amazingly well and the love and devotion my Uncle is displaying is truly heart warming. I know this will hit him hard as it has hit you hard.
The death of my R hit me hard. He died on a Friday and I went to Church on Saturday. I was in such shock I walked into class and looked at the facilitator who along with her husband had prayed with us in the hospital just days before and walked up to her and hugged her as hard as I could and whispered in her ear what had happened. She was amazing. I left to go call the family and tell them the bad new. It hit me some time later that she already knew as things like this are not kept secret among staff. They make it their business to make sure all the pastors are informed of this sort of thing and I had called my family the next day a full day after I had called my mom. Everyone knew because mom had told them but it didn't register until later just how in shock I was. I didn't take time off work and I should have. So take care of you. I was told you can deal with it now or you can deal with it twice as hard later and later always comes around.
I had to keep it together at work all day around the kids but when I got home I fell apart for about 9 months. This past school year one of the teachers said I needed to start smiling again as what is past is past. That was hard to take. No one is ever ready to hear that from others. No matter how much you want to move on and expect someone somewhere along the line to say it to you; your never prepared for when someone actually does say it to you. I pray you take as much time as you need. I know it is different for pastors. The year my R passed away our head pastor lost his sister to cancer. Never ever have I seen him on the brink of tears, but I have to believe that behind closed doors it must have been different. Because we both had losses at the same time he got to see me go through every phase of grieving as I have continued to go to church 3 days a week every service there is since R passed away. The people and music ministered to my soul and God used them to see me through my darkest hours. I will be forever grateful for this. The pastors mom recently gave me some of the sisters clothing. Believe me it was hard. I cried knowing where the clothing had come from and I feel honored they chose me. She mentioned how much this meant to them both. She checks me out every Sunday to see what I am wearing. Some how my grieving has helped them and when I have shared my story about how my R got baptized 3 months before passing away it has helped numerous other people in the Church as well. I don't understand. I am not sure I want to understand. I just get really quiet and smile and change the subject. People crying I can handle, people getting angry I can handle, people giving well meaning but hurtful advice I can take, but that gets me every time. People get hope and encouragement and count their blessings out of my grief. It's like reading Lamentations. Others read it and see hope. I read it and I see grief. I'm like I am reading the same thing you are what is the deal? I see it now as you read it to me, but when I read it I totally missed that. Oh I'm rambling forgive me. I know there is something in all that mess for you.
GBYAKY
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 7/28/2009 8:22:10 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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Chrio,
I don't know when you'll be back here to read others' replies, but I want to respond to your most recent post . . . in hopes that it will be an encouragement to you.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Chrio
I have had to really think through this singleness stuff for me, as I feel so different from others. I realize being within the first year of my wife's passing is a major portion of that, but there's more and I have not felt as connected to the singles as I first did and expected to be. Yep . . . part of it most probably is that you're still within "that first year." That kinda skews so many things in a person's life.
However, part of it also just may be who you ARE. I don't particularly feel "connected" to singles neither. There are so many things that are very important to most singles that just aren't even a thought to me. That is neither a "good" thing nor a "bad" thing; it just simply is.
Also, for me, for the most part, I don't find myself connecting with a group or type of people in the first place. I don't generally connect with groups of women (and one of the reasons being the same one I gave above as to why I don't connect with singles), and there are other groups of people that at "first glance" one might think I would connect with based on my life . . . but I don't.
In fact, what I have realized is that I connect far, far more with individuals than I do with groups; someone's marital status, gender, etc., is really not as important to me as they, theirselves (in their totality) are. As an online example, the group here in the threads that I connect most with is over in Personally For You (a sub-folder of Community Lounge). Regarding my specific PFY thread, over the years, there have been both men and women, my age, younger than me and older than me, married, not married, people with kids, people without kids, people with a variety of interests, aspirations and ideologies.
Thinking over some of the "groups" that I cherish so much . . . there's not really a lot of commonality there, except for perhaps the reason for the group in the first place (for example, one of the professional groups that I belong to offline). The people in the groups of my life are men, women, married, divorced, never-married, single, even Christian and not-yet Christian. There are people in some of the groups that live lifestyles that are completely different from mine.
. . . Because for me, I am so much more than a woman or a widow. My entire life is not defined by just one or two aspects of who I am. I guess "having a commonality" with a group of people isn't really that important to me; I am much more interested in who people are on an individual basis, rather than if their gender or their life experiences are similar to mine.
Maybe, there's part of that for you as well, in your own life. Maybe not. LOL But, I share it with you anyway. 
As to your questions in the OP . . .
quote:
ORIGINAL: Chrio
I'd like to know if there are more and how do we (you) feel about having your marital status changed in such a dramatic way. Before I answer . . . you and I both refer to our late spouses as CS; I thought I'd give you a bit of a heads-up on that so that it wouldn't be such a shock when you're reading my replies to your question. For me, CS stands for Cowboy Sweetie.
I was only married to CS for a very brief time (10 months, in fact). Our relationship started almost 3 years prior. CS battled chemical depression; and at the time of his death, he was also battling some emotional depression as well. On June 13, 2005, he took his life.
Even though we were only married for such a short time, my heart was shredded.
The fact that he committed suicide compounded everything. I was simultaneously going through two griefs; two mournings . . . his death and his suicide.
I've written much about both, over in my blog, "Teton Rambler'. You're very welcomed to read it if you'd like. HERE's the link
quote:
ORIGINAL: Chrio
What do you feel your future holds for you? Based on what Scripture says, my future holds Hope and Joy. 
Other than that, I have no idea.
No one is even guaranteed a future in the first place, so I really don't spend a lot of time wandering what will be.
I look to Our Lord for HIS Strength, HIS Comfort, HIS Wisdom and HIS Guidance AND HIS Peace and HIS Joy. I also know that Our Lord has promised to take care of me; so whatever happens, it's going to be good and for HIS Glory. 
My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your wife. Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself; especially during this first year. I will pray for Our Lord's Comfort for you.
Be abundantly blessed,
Sharon-Marie
_____________________________
❖ Let's Discuss the Advent Season ❖
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 8/1/2009 1:31:59 AM
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Chrio
Posts: 227
Joined: 6/25/2009
From: INLAND EMPIRE, CA.
Status: offline
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Greetings in Jesus
WhiteRoseBlessings, tz3 ... Blessings to you both and so much gratitude for your loving words of understanding & encoureagement!!
If you had told me that posting here would have its challenges for me (emotionally) I would have shrugged it off. But you just never know in the earliest stage of mourning where you will be caught off grade. I know the Lord lead me here to these forums, so I will continue to seek Him diligently.
I trust Him with all I have and am. Waiting on Him has become a pleasure for me, as He has never let me down. Thank you again for being who you are... obviously God intended for me to experience His love through you both and I'm ever grateful to Him for you! Blessings!
I will be around.
Live freely, Love deeply, Laugh loudly
_____________________________
Be A Blessing
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RE: Widow/Widower Singles - 8/1/2009 2:14:53 AM
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tz3
Posts: 589
Status: offline
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I get the impression from your post there may be some thing you need to get off your chest but did not want to be specific about in the forum is it may be related to what you read and/or post in these forums. Maybe one of the guys here could talk to you on the side if your not comfortable posting your concerns.
I know that when you are grieving you need to be very selective in what information you put out there. People say some really stupid stuff with well meaning intentions or just out of nervousness others just can not relate and are blatantly insensitive with comments and advice. At first these kinds of things used to make me angry, some times you feel like your consoling them when they should be consoling you, and yet other times you take pity on them for their ignorance and bit your tongue and smile and go about your business and then there are those that you think are your friends and you tell to much and they end up using it against you some way and it really hurts. If you have not experienced this last bit you are blessed. Please be on your guard and pour your heart out to God daily. I could give you other very well meaning advice but I will hold off there as I am not sure it is the right timing for it yet. These forums can be very challenging for the average person who is not grieving. I think your doing the right thing by limiting you exposure. Honestly I think it is to soon for you to be in forums at all unless it is a widow and widower forum or since you were a pastor the pastor forum may be safe for you but marriage, parenting and singles I would temporarily retreat from for a while longer. Especially the singles forum. You have not gone through a full year of firsts and you have not yet experienced a majority of the stages of grief yet. You may not experience all of them but you will experience more then you think.
If you have had an opportunity to really cry hard your body will feel better and some of the shock and stress and physical manifestations of stress that make you ill will disappear.
Then the head will clear up as if coming out of a fog things will become easier to remember.
Then there is the return of feeling and emotions.
You may not experience this in this order but no matter what order you experience them in the emotions and return of physical feeling was perhaps the most intense for me that is when loneliness can really get a grip on you and you are at your most vulnerable in striking up new relationships especially with the opposite sex. If you were regularly active with your wife this is also the time when you will most deeply miss those relations and be most tempted with impurity. Your normal and we all go through it. Once the gienie is out of the bottle there is not putting it back in completely. You may feel ready to jump into singlehood and perhaps a new relationship but I would caution you to press into God even harder for a while longer and wait on him to give you the green light. If you jump in to soon and get hurt it may plunge yourself into a deep depression it may take a long time to come out of. Take it slow.
I knew I was ready when I stopped crying and I wanted to return back to ministering to others and I had my emotions under control. I know it is important for us to continue ministering in some capacity and you may not be ministering at your church like you used to right now but that is okay. Take care of you. Your anointing and ministry haven't gone anywhere and they will still be there when your ready to return. God will open the doors for you. Wait on his leading and there are always other areas you can make yourself available in to continue ministering in so that you feel like you are giving back like the prayer room or usher or fill in the blank. If your strugeling with ministering in forums maybe that isn't the right place for you just yet. Think and pray on this.
If your reading some things and it brings back a memory that makes you emotional (anger, resentment, jealousy, frustrated, bitter, blue etc.) or brings up a previous memory unrelated to your wife I learned a few things about this to that might help. Just post here and I will reply here. Who knows it might help someone else, but no sense in posting information you don't need, don't want or are not ready for. KWIM?
< Message edited by tz3 -- 8/1/2009 2:33:31 AM >
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