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Wife Is Sick, Lots of Old "Friends" Getting In Contact..
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Wife Is Sick, Lots of Old "Friends" Getting I... - 7/17/2009 3:21:22 AM
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BPMOU
Posts: 1
Joined: 7/17/2009
Status: offline
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This is my first post on the forums. Glad I came across this place, and hope to post here often.
I guess a little background would help. My wife and I will be married for five years next month, praise the Lord! We have a 22 month old, and it looks like no more kids due to my wife's illness. Last month my wife was diagnosed with an ALL or acute leukemia. Her being 29 and me being 28, you never expect to get that news. However, in this trial God has shown just how faithful he is, and my walk has grown even deeper. I have known the Lord for five years this past April, and was not saved when my wife I started dating. She says she has known the Lord since she was 13 but had years of rebelling when she was in High School and college.
When we first met, she had a lot of guy friends. Some of them I came to find out later that she had dated. As our relationship grew, I started sharing some of the issues with having these types of relationships if and when we got married. She didn't really understand, but knew that if the shoes was on the other foot that she would not be very happy about it either. We were engaged in November of 03, and I was saved in April of 2004. As a new believer, God changed all sorts of things about me, and really just created a new man in me. Hallelujah! This really also made my wife re-commit her heart to Lord, and everything was good. We went through pre-marital counseling, and the issue of these male friends, and some of her past ex-boyfriends came up. Our pastor was very clear that this was not a good idea, and explained to her many of the same things that I said. We got married and she severed ties with all of these men, and things have been great.
Fast forward to last month. My wife was diagnosed, I am here to love her and support her through this no matter where the road may lead. The past year, I really thought that the Lord was moving me into ministry, but it seems that he was preparing to minister to my wife in this storm. So while things have been very difficult, we have totally been used by the Lord as a witness to all of our unsaved friends and family.
With the diagnosis, we setup a caringbridge.com site so our friends and family could check on her progress (she has 6-8 months of chemo ahead, and a possible bone marrow transplant) without having to call us. One of her good friends also setup a facebook account for my wife so people could catch up with her that way. when the facebook account was setup, I told my wife that I was concerned, that people from the past would come back into the picture, and I didn't think that it would be good, even more so considering the circumstances. She didn't really answer, and that was done.
Last week, my wife brought it to my attention that one of the guys that she dated before we met contacted her. As you can imagine, I was a little irritated because she didn't come out and tell me, but she asked if I had a blog because he said that he had been reading it. When I voiced my concern, she told me she had no clue why I was upset, and then went on to tell me that two other ex-boyfriends had contacted her as well and she e-mailed them back. This made me even more upset. I talked to a good brother in the Lord for Godly council, and we prayed about it. I think I was more upset that my wife could be so naive to think that this is fine. While I know her intentions were not suspect, I had to explain to her the danger of these things happening. She was very argumentative, but eventually understood why it could be a problem.
Today, my wife told me that her friend (they were never more than really good friends) got back in touch with her after five and a half years and they have been e-mailing each other. He wants to get together with his mom and his girlfriend and my wife, daughter, and I when he is town next month. I told my wife today, that none of these people have been in our lives for the last 5-6 years, so I don't understand why they need to get involved now. She is upset that I feel this way, but is angry and can't see where I am coming from. The friend who is coming in town, almost had to give her his blessing about me when we started dating, almost big brother like. He told me at one point (when we first started dating) that he was a bit jealous that he and my wife never were able to date because they were such good friends. The other thing is that most of these people that my wife dated before we met are all friends with one another, so there is almost no avoiding these people if we start down this road.
When my wife and I started dating, I haven't talked to my ex-girlfriends, even when they have tried to get a hold of me on line. I block their e-mail addresses and don't respond. I know how easy the temptation is, and I strive to live my life for the Lord, and that means taking every thought captive. My wife and I agreed a long time ago that men should have male friends, and women should have female friends. It seems to me that based upon her illness all of these things about being a wife have gone out the window.
Am I wrong feeling like this? I want to protect my wife, from things that she thinks would never happen, but she sees me as being over protective and jealous. I know that the enemy is real and it only takes a little something hear and a little something there and then before you know it, bam your caught in an ugly sin that you never intended to be in.
I look forward to your thoughts.
By His Grace,
Brandon
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RE: Wife Is Sick, Lots of Old "Friends" Getti... - 7/17/2009 9:32:57 AM
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ctpruitt
Posts: 394
Joined: 4/25/2009
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Well, first of all, let me state you have a biblical right to be jealous. The Bible teaches even God himself gets jealous and does not sin.
Second, yes I would be careful with all this "old-flame" stuff. My wife went to a 20 year class reunion some years ago and met up with a friend of hers that she had been in touch with all these years. One of that girl's old boyfriends showed up at the reunion. Next thing my wife knows, two months later, her friend had left her husband of 15 years for this old boyfriend.
While there is nothing wrong with talking to an old girl or boyfriend in a casual manner (I do it all the time at church; most of the girls I dated in the 1980s were at my home church and several are still there. My wife is good friends with all of them) constant commmunication can be dangerous.
Just pray and continue to pray and be firm with your wife.
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RE: Wife Is Sick, Lots of Old "Friends" Getti... - 7/21/2009 10:07:09 AM
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Simway
Posts: 173
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I don' think I would see these people. They are from the pasted and need to stay in the past. It's just too easy for old relationships to move into the danger zone. Discourage it as much as you can. There maybe some backlash, but stress the fact that you really want to protect your wife and family. Be firm and in a loving way. Question to consider is this. Have these people changed, and are they christians, or do they still live same " anything goes life style? " Even if they have change, it would still be the best to keep away by doing so a world of trouble could be avoided.
Simway
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RE: Wife Is Sick, Lots of Old "Friends" Getti... - 8/2/2009 2:15:24 PM
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ChristsDisciple
Posts: 2
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Brandon,
I will be praying for you and your wife. We never anticipate such drastic news. I know how I felt when my son was diagnosed with cancer when he was 16 months old. But, God was not surprised and HE is still on the Throne.
Brandon, you are a good man. You love your wife, want to protect her, do what is right in the eyes of God, and have done everything you can to remove any temptation from "the ghost of relationships past".
I have to agree, you are dealing with a very difficult and sensitive situation. How you respond to the situation with these other guys would probably be very different if you did not have your wife's illness to deal with. True, without the illness, the situation may not have manifest itself, but I digress. You are right that past relationships can cause major problems, especially if there is a sexual history due to the one flesh principle Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 6. My aunt and sister-in-law both left their husbands to reconnect with high school boyfriends.
When my wife and I got married, we agreed that all past relationships are in the past and any contact is off limits. Even though none of my relationships turned sexual by the grace of God, contact is not allowed. A guy that my wife was sexually active with tried to contact her a few years ago. She shut him down very quickly with a return email. However, she did mention that it was the best thing to do because after almost 30 years, seeing him would be a temptation and she was not sure she could trust herself with him.
One thing you can do is remind your wife of the agreement you two had about the "no contact" and the fact that you have kept your promises. Ask her to respect you by keeping her promise. Appealing to my wife in this way has always worked.
If these appeals do not work, I can think of 2 options. One, contact the other guys yourself and ask them to refrain from contacting your wife (appeal to them as men rather than threatening). Second, you could block these guys from your wife's email and Facebook accounts. However, your wife could probably unblock them just as easy as you blocked them. But, it would send the message to your wife that you are serious about protecting her and your marriage.
Also, make sure you are the husband God has called you to be (and it appears you are doing that) and that your wife has no need to look elsewhere for love and support.
In Christ Alone,
Kevin
_____________________________
All of our labor is in prayer, everything else is the fruit of that labor.
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RE: Wife Is Sick, Lots of Old "Friends" Getti... - 8/12/2009 4:23:28 AM
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ManimalX
Posts: 2558
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
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Old boyfriends are bad news. I don't know many guys that won't admit in an unguarded moment that they are never "just friends" with women. Unfortunately, many women believe guys when they claim they are "just friends".
If the guy in question had any tact, he would send a card and some flowers, and leave it at that. He isn't a part of her life anymore, and there is no reason he needs to reestablish a face-to-face relationship.
You don't have to be a jerk about it, but you don't have to be ashamed of standing firm against your WIFE being engaged by former romantic interests.
Again, most guys don't do the "just friends" thing, and even if they think they are, the natural romantic attraction between women and men will always be present and demanding attention.
Your intuition is spot on. Just remember, speak truth in love, and always be gentle and reverent with your wife.
_____________________________
"And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth." - 2nd Timothy 2:24,25
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