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Marriage Help Request - 7/19/2009 11:30:29 PM
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mashuganah
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/19/2009
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I've been married two years and it's sucking the life out of me. My wife asks constant questions begging the obvious, has insatiable emotional needs, has sudden emotional explosions out of nowhere, and more. None of this was apparent prior to getting married. Moreover, what little I can glean from other married guys is that this is normal. No one warned me or gave me proper teaching from the scripture before it was too late.
My question is, "How do you stand it?" How do you get through each day with a woman's unending needs around your neck like a millstone. My parents taught me that adults are independent and responsible. That, in so far as possible, you take care of yourself and help others if they have need; that healthy adults are not continually emotionally needy. In marriage I find that I have to help my wife think and control her emotions on a daily basis plus attempt to meet unending emotional needs. I feel like a single parent of an eight year old.
Marriage counseling actually made matters worse because the counselor was primarily an emotional thinker like my wife. Consequently, he could relate to her and the two of them would gang up against me - a primarily rational/logical thinker.
I know this format is not adequate for counsel or depth, but I'd like some examples of how guys married more than five years manage to keep from burning out to the point of losing one's inetegrity and walking out or having a heart attack.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/20/2009 9:26:55 AM
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mrtigger
Posts: 272
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I think you should read "His needs, Her needs" and the "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" books. I found them helpful in understanding women and making things work.
One thing that happens is that men tend to withdraw from a emotionally needy wife but that has the affect of making the woman more insecure and even more needy which makes the guy withdraw even more. And so on. It is a positive feedback loop which drives things in the wrong direction. I believe that is likely happening in your situation.
Being proactively attentive to her emotional needs will help. The times she seems the most unlovable and emotionally difficult & needy is exactly when you have to pour out the most love and assurance on her. It seems like it would just make the needy problem worse but it doesn't - it helps fix it.
You need to be spontaneous in the attention & love you shower on your wife. If they have to ask for it, it doesn't count for much even if you give them exactly what they ask for.
The Love languages book is also helpful. I'm sorry I don't have the exact titles of these books but if you go to the book store, you should be able to figure out which ones I'm talking about pretty easily.
quote:
ORIGINAL: mashuganah
Marriage counseling actually made matters worse because the counselor was primarily an emotional thinker like my wife. Consequently, he could relate to her and the two of them would gang up against me - a primarily rational/logical thinker.
I'm rationally focused also but I've found that logic & rational thinking does not work well for relationships - especially with females. A different approach is needed in that area of life.
Also, encourage your wife to make some women friendships. A marriage cannot provide for 100% of a wifes emotional needs. It helps take some of the emotional burden off of you if they have some women friends.
Hang in there. I think with some reading and work, you will find that things improve.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/20/2009 11:21:31 AM
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rayofson
Posts: 10251
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
"How do you stand it?"
Eventually you get tone deaf at that frequency. 
Honestly, Mrtigger has some good advice there.
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/20/2009 10:05:34 PM
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Walker311
Posts: 762
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20 years of marriage for me.
Here is what I perceive you should do. Give her what she wants. She is driving you crazy because you cannot or will not provide her with the love and emotional support that she needs. I'm sure that if you were capable things would be different. Either you would not mind her emotional needs or you would know how to help her to control her emotions and to feel your support.
Love is composed of 2 things. 1) IT is a choice and 2) IT is a commitment. You do not seem to possess either but it is not too late with God's help and a desire to change. To add more pressure to your situation... the success or failure of your marriage rests in your hands.
I can relate to your post because there have been several times that I wanted to take flight and I thank God that I didn't. Marriage is tough and I promise if your hang in there and give it a 100 percent, it will be worth it.
Chances are if you were to run, your next one would be much the same.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/21/2009 10:09:06 AM
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PastorSteveMT
Posts: 110
Joined: 5/27/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mashuganah
I've been married two years and it's sucking the life out of me. My wife asks constant questions begging the obvious, has insatiable emotional needs, has sudden emotional explosions out of nowhere, and more. None of this was apparent prior to getting married. Moreover, what little I can glean from other married guys is that this is normal. No one warned me or gave me proper teaching from the scripture before it was too late.
My question is, "How do you stand it?" How do you get through each day with a woman's unending needs around your neck like a millstone. My parents taught me that adults are independent and responsible. That, in so far as possible, you take care of yourself and help others if they have need; that healthy adults are not continually emotionally needy. In marriage I find that I have to help my wife think and control her emotions on a daily basis plus attempt to meet unending emotional needs. I feel like a single parent of an eight year old.
Marriage counseling actually made matters worse because the counselor was primarily an emotional thinker like my wife. Consequently, he could relate to her and the two of them would gang up against me - a primarily rational/logical thinker.
I know this format is not adequate for counsel or depth, but I'd like some examples of how guys married more than five years manage to keep from burning out to the point of losing one's inetegrity and walking out or having a heart attack.
Just a couple of quick replies.
First, women are emotional creations. God made them that way. Praise the Lord. I would much rather have an emotional wife than a cold, hardened, non-compassionate wife. If you were to really think about it, I think you would as well.
Second, she has needs. And you are the only person on this planet that can meet those needs (and I'm talking specifically about the needs a wife has of her husband). Where most affairs come from is because a man (or woman) fails to meet the needs of their wife and low and behold, someone else swoops in willing to meet the needs and the rest is history. Look at it as a blessing that your wife has needs and you are literally the only person that can fulfill them. Then do your best to actually do it.
Third, you mentioned independance. Well, as soon as you got married, you kissed independance goodbye. And like it or not, that is the way God created a marriage to be. "A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become ONE flesh". Now that doesn't mean that you have to be stuck to the hip for 24 hours a day, but for the most part, there shouldn't be much in your lives that you two do apart. Independance is another breeding ground for affairs or for a marriage that is never what it was intended to be. You will always be you and your wife will always be herself, but you both need to make it a point to be ONE flesh often. Having hobbies to do together (not everything but some stuff), spending time together, etc is what a marriage should be all about.
My wife and I are approaching 11 years together and while I still go on a few day hunting trips with my dad, or play an occational round of golf here and there, I still prefer to do as much as possible with my wife because I love being around her.
My advice is to embrace your God given role to be her comfort, provider, friend, and lover and do it to the best of your ability with God as your ultimate helper.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/21/2009 10:40:06 PM
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mashuganah
Posts: 2
Joined: 7/19/2009
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Thanks Tigger. I didn't agree with the Mars/Venus book because it basically said a woman can't help but be evil toward her husband - it's just something she has to get out of her system now and again. I don't think that's biblical and I'm not going to be a whipping boy.
The His/Her Needs book sounded good, but does not seem effective because, as the author himself said, a woman's needs are insatiable.
The Love Languages book is good. The problem is that each of us finds the other's love language to be the most draining to give. Consequently, we're both crabby with emotional fatigue by the time we give enough to make a difference.
So, I was reading and trying things prior to posting and am posting because I'm desperate.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/22/2009 12:22:11 PM
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PastorSteveMT
Posts: 110
Joined: 5/27/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mashuganah
Thanks Tigger. I didn't agree with the Mars/Venus book because it basically said a woman can't help but be evil toward her husband - it's just something she has to get out of her system now and again. I don't think that's biblical and I'm not going to be a whipping boy.
The His/Her Needs book sounded good, but does not seem effective because, as the author himself said, a woman's needs are insatiable.
The Love Languages book is good. The problem is that each of us finds the other's love language to be the most draining to give. Consequently, we're both crabby with emotional fatigue by the time we give enough to make a difference.
So, I was reading and trying things prior to posting and am posting because I'm desperate.
You somehow believe that marriage shouldn't have to be work and that you are never supposed to sacrafice. Wow.
Well, it sounds like you have pretty much made up your mind so....do whatever you are going to do.
However I will leave you with one thought. If you are a Christian, there is one thing you are forgetting.
The Bible tells us to "love your wives just as Christ loved the church".
Christ loved the church Wholly, Completely, Unselfishly, Unconditionally, and with no regard for Himself. He loved it so much He gave His life for it. He has patience with it and puts up with our outlandish requests over and over. He listens to us complain and nag about other people. He is EVERYTHING to the church over, and over and over again.
And He continues to love the church like that regardless of what He gets from us. And He has promised to do that for us till the very end of the age.
Try loving your wife like that sometime....it just might change your attitude.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/22/2009 9:49:41 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 497
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello mashuganah
It's quite difficult to give you any kind of definitive answer here. No one on any forum has the opportunity to see the two of you together. When I first read your post a few days ago, I thought only of your wife. But after reading it a second time, I wonder if the two of you may be complete opposites: your wife very emotional most of the time and you are cool and calm most of the time.
Another possibility is that men and women are different. Men think on one compartment of life at a time, while women can cover every issue of life at the same time.
After being married now for the second time (both of us widowed) I've come to one conclusion. The most important thing a man can do is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Yet, it seems to be the hardest thing for men to do. One of the ways to love one's wife is to initiate love first. That's hard to do but when Christ lives in us, He will empower us to do just that.
I would be curious to wonder if this dramatic difference between the two of you surfaced when you were dating. Did she seem to be over emotional the first time you met her? If not, I would wonder if some new situations have arisen to which she may be reacting or feel inadequate to deal with.
Like I say, these are only possibilities. I suppose it would take marriage counseling from a Pastor or Christian counselor. God can do some marvelous things to help married couples to meld together.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/22/2009 11:00:12 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 272
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PastorSteveMT
Try loving your wife like that sometime....it just might change your attitude.
And I think you will find that it changes your wife as well.
To the OP, I don't have any further suggestions on how to try and fix it. Maybe you are married to someone who is an emotional basketcase and she needs fixing. Or maybe she just has normal levels of female emotionalism and you either need to figure out how to deal with it or get out and move on. It could be either case and without knowing you two, I couldn't make a judgement about it.
I will say that the emotional stuff will likely get worse. There is an emotional adjustment to being married but once that is done it is relatively smooth sailing until babies start coming. Having a baby often really messes a womans emotions.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/23/2009 2:08:18 PM
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rayofson
Posts: 10251
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Actually I was wondering if perhaps she were pregnant. As soon as that happens, all bets are off.
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Marriage Help Request - 7/24/2009 11:24:03 PM
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Bro_Shane
Posts: 1614
Joined: 8/4/2005
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Eleven years of marriage next month.
Marriage is work. It's just like anything else, if you want it to succeed you both have to work at it. You can begin by talking to her about how you feel in a constructive way. Telling her she's sucking the life out of you is not what I'm talking about.
Before you do anything, you need to pray and make sure of how much of the problem is you. Yes, you are part of the problem. Love her as Christ loves the church. That's not an option, that's a command. You have entered into a covenant. You just don't break it or walk away when it gets hard. You show her you are the man that will work and be there no matter what. You show her that her needs, thoughts, and emotions are important to you. You show her what a Godly man is and does.
You will either submit to God and be the man and husband God ants you to be or you will divorce. There is no other option. You are supposed to be the spiritual leader, so lead. Lead by the best example any of us have, Christ.
_____________________________
<---- Respect the turtle neck
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