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Unequally Yoked Friends & Our Kids Friends - 7/20/2009 11:26:16 PM
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SandyB2003
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/20/2009
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I am ruminating on an exchange that I had with the parents of my kids friends. This situation is a little complex, yet I really need some feedback. The issues are twofold. #1 is the friendship, #2 is the safety of the kids.
My kids and I are all on the autisitc spectrum (albeit higher functioning). I am not that great socially, yet this mother is a friend of mine, although usually she is pretty "out of it". By this I mean that she has a prescription drug problem (I know this because I have witnessed her dr. shopping and also picked up various perscriptions from her from multiple pharmacies. I have since stopped doing this for her.). Her husband is rumored to be abusive / controlling to her. We like their 3 kids, although we see that they don't feed them normally, one of the kids is always sick, looks emaciated. My friend says that her husband is constantly telling the kids that they need to lose weight...the middle boy (when he was over) said that he didn't want to eat all day, except for the two pop tarts that I gave him, because he wants to stay skinny. This kid is all muscle, not an ounce of fat on him. We take care to feed these kids as much as they want when they come over, and when they end up staying the night, sometimes multiple nights...the parents even just drop off their 4 year old expecting for us to take him all night. We put a stop to that because my attention span can't handle it. The parents leave the 10 year old, 8 year old, and 4 year old home alone often, and the 4 year old runs around the area where we live (a village resort area) unatended, and one time already CPS has come up to check their business, where the kids run wild outside, even in the snow at night. The last complaint came when I was in their store and one of the security guards came in stating that the concert goers were telling him to take "the boy wearing only underware" (which he was), to his parents and put clothes on him. So, he is running around amongst about 500 or more people, unattended for hours, only in his underwear.
Beyond all of this, our friendship came to a head this last week. My dog chewed a little chunck out of one of their cushioned seats outside, and he also urinated inside their store. I apologized profusely for this, offered to work part of the day for free, and also told them that the dog won't be allowed in the village without a leash. Well, I had to hear from my drugged up "friend" ask me three times, "whats wrong with your dog?", then the next day, as I was working for free I hear her husband, who is very crass by the way, say "hey, whats wrong with your dog" (with a smirk). My feelings got hurt, I left without telling them, and then I sent a txt msg saying: "I left because I feel like **** that you are bringing up the dog incident over and over after I apologized, especially after no one apologized when your son left our garage door open causing all of our pipes to burst because of carelesness, and not even a "sorry". He wrote back "news to me!". Well, the mom competely dismissed the incident and didn't even offer help or anything when we spent money and time to fix it. Didn't even tell her boys to be carefull to shut the doors. Since, the kids came to our house when we weren't home, looking from my son, and left both doors open again, just last week. So, that was on my mind, and I never keep score...never bring it up. I barely stand up for myself, take all sorts of **** and I am easily manipulated. So...now I am really down and worried of why I sent the message which was drudging up a past event. Obviously I didn't work through it through prayer, etc.
So...I have come to the realization, along with my hubby that we don't want to be around these people anymore, I have taken the mom to celebrate recovery for a couple of months, she quit, they swear, don't watch our kids when they are there...and personally make me feel bad. Now, my kids feel heartbroken that the kids might not want to play with them any longer, because of my decision, and my careless words to the dad via text message. Do I just cut them off completely? Do I still welcome the kids at our house, just not their house? Their kids love us and our house, one even repeatedly asks me to adopt him! They get no attention.
In this mixed up mess, at what cost do we keep the KIDS in our lives? At what point do I send an anonymous message to CPS because the kids are in a volitile situation (the doemestic violence is a rumor, but I believe true, as a good friend of mine said that the husband almost hit her) and mom won't get psychological help (on many antidepressants, stimulants, whatever the docs will give her...she was in rehab before the 4 year old was born.)
I guess I don't want to be doing this out of spite, but I don't feel like I am. My husband told me he won't let the kids go there anymore, because what if the 4 year old falls in the pool and drowns while my 7 and 9 year old "should have been watching him."
I know, very convoluted, but thanks for reading if you made it this far. I will prayerfully take all of your advice and suggestions.
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RE: Unequally Yoked Friends & Our Kids Friends - 7/21/2009 9:02:22 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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You and your husband's inclination not to allow your own children to be under-supervised at another's home is completely right... and that's even without adding-on the reality that this under-supervised home has a pool, drugs and a violent person there. That's not personal or spiteful decision -- that's just sense and logic. It sounds like this decision is made, and it's important that you continually enforce it.
However, you can still welcome the kids into your home, and you can also visit the other home together -- so that you are watching out for your own kids. You should also secure your own home so that random children (or adults) can't accidentally come in when you are not home.
As far as the friendship, I think it's time to downgrade this from "a good friend" to something more like "my neighbour -- the mom of my kids' friends." Don't be friends, but be friendly -- if you know what I mean? Be polite and chat and laugh, but don't share any personal stuff. If she shares personal stuff, tell her you'll pray for her, but don't encourage her too much in that kind of conversation. If they tease you or try to make you feel bad, ect -- just say you "have to get going now" and leave with a smile.
Don't work for them any more. An apology and a leash are the answer for this kind of thing, not letting them take advantage of you.
As far as CPS, firstly, you need to look up on the internet to know exactly what the legal definition of abuse is in your state/area. Then, as you stay sort of close to the family, you may want to take notes of what the kids say, or what you've seen that leads you to believe there may be abuse there.
You want your notes to say, "On the evening of September 20th, I saw Johnny playing alone outside with only a light shirt and underwear on. It was X temperature. I first saw him at X:00, and when I looked again at X:00 he was still there." And you keep these in a notebook, in a safe place, until you are really sure that your evidence shows there is a genuine problem.
This is the kind of specific information CPS is going to need, if you call them. The general things, like, "They seem so thin... I think dad pressures them." is not going to fly. You need to say, "On November 5th, I asked Billy if he wanted supper and he said, 'Dad says I shouldn't eat so much.'"
As to if you should call -- when you compare what's in your notebook to the legal definition of abuse in your state/area, then you will know your own answer.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Unequally Yoked Friends & Our Kids Friends - 7/21/2009 10:46:46 AM
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judii1
Posts: 858
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: The Frozen Thumb of MI!
Status: offline
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Sandy, you don't need other people's kids running through your house when you aren't home.
How are they getting in?
_____________________________
What does 1 boy + 1 set of new clothes + 1 brother with a paintball gun = ?
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RE: Unequally Yoked Friends & Our Kids Friends - 7/21/2009 11:29:07 PM
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SandyB2003
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/20/2009
Status: offline
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Thanks for the replies.
Judii...yes, we need to lock our doors. We live up on a mountian where we have neighbors that we trust that are always close by and watching, so we haven't worried before, however, we need to start locking them.
Thanks Bolt, I agree with what you are saying, completely. Good ideas.
Now there is more to this. Both parents were home today, and the kids rode their bikes down. I did make up my mind that I didn't want the kids there with no supervision, but now what I heard about today has made me decide that I won't allow my kids there ever again...period.
The kids were playing video games after playing outside, and according to my kids, the parents were screaming at each other. The screaming started over a television show. My kids saw the mom sitting against the wall, on the floor, and the dad was bending down yelling at her while shaking his finger in her face asking "What did you take!"...she is addicted to painkillers / antidepressants, yet he won't take her to get help, because then he loses control.
Luckily my kids had the sense to leave the situation and come home. I told them that they are not allowed their any longer, the kids can come here. We tried calling in case the kids picked up to ask them to come over to spend the night. I worry for those poor kids. I have heard numerous stories about spousal abuse and now I believe them. Perhaps this is God confirming my fears.
Should I be approaching the wife tomorrow? Her husband is the fire chief of our little town, and therefore he seems to have an in with the police, etc.
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RE: Unequally Yoked Friends & Our Kids Friends - 7/22/2009 12:25:06 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1759
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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No.
You have nothing to approach the wife about, unless you really think you are in a position to have a heart to heart chat about shouting spouses and drug addictions. I don't think that's a good plan.
You've decided on some new limits for your children -- so tell your children. It's irrelevant to her.
You also have nothing to report to the police. It's not illegal to shout at another adult -- because adults are free to walk away if someone is doing that to them.
Do not let your kids go there any more -- the parents may be present, but they are not 'supervising' anybody... that's what I meant in the first place. If you really want to let your kids go there, go with them. That's the only way they are safe.
Other than that, 2 more bits of advice for a happy life -- don't listen to any more gossip about this neighbour or anybody else... and next time your husband says he won't let the kids do something any more, you need to be going along with his decision (he's a parent too).
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Unequally Yoked Friends & Our Kids Friends - 7/22/2009 12:40:10 AM
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SandyB2003
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/20/2009
Status: offline
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Yes, thanks for the advice.
What worries me is that my son said that he heard the husband slap her several times and he heard "hitting or punching" noises. I have seen this woman with black eyes before, but she covered it up and I believed her stories. My son said that he has heard or seen the dad hit her before. I didn't know this. I called the domestic violence hotline anonymously telling them that they needed to do a welfare check. According to my kids, the dad had the mom against the wall with his hand in her face and the kids got scared and all went outside. My son said he is sure that he heard him hit her several times.
Hopefully the police will be able to see if this did happen. I agree, I will listen to my husband and NOT let my kids go there ever again.
I pray that they will get the help they need. I pray that the kids are okay.
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