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Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/24/2009 9:30:16 AM
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Ross.Lang
Posts: 464
Joined: 1/28/2009
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A broken chunk of brick constituting roughly 1/9th of a whole block. A tear jar from Israel, broken in half by a fall years ago. 27 copies of Frankenstein in $1.50 mass market paperback edition. An incredibly ugly and amateurish brown and tan painting of dead flowers that an elderly neighbor did as an art student 40 years ago. A dirty, non-discript half of an oyster shell. A cheap, plastic bust of Chopin, roughly the size of a human fist. A garish green and cyan "150 obnoxious things" poster.
This is a representative sampling of the stuff with which my new wife has been slowly filling out apartment as we empty her living space in her mother's house in stages. Last night, while she lay asleep, I carried in 22 loads of it from my car, and it is now seeking a home in our small dwelling. My wife and I are having a real problem seeing eye to eye on this issue: everything is valuable, and she won't get rid of anything because of the future possibilities it holds. She keeps a huge collection of discarded library books she buys for a dollar a bag, which she has designs to some day "donate" to a public school classroom she plans to get a job in... eventually. It looks like an AC-130 gunship unloaded its howitzer on a purple heart caravan in my living room. The result is not just used, worthless junk strewn everywhere. It is BROKEN, used, worthless junk strewn everywhere. I was forced to stick my $2,000 bass (an old NT Warwick thumb), made out of a now-endangered African hardwood, under a bed to make room for an ugly cardboard shelf organizer that has prints of Russian dolls on it. Before getting married, I purged many of my possessions, including disused or valueless books, seashells, old games, and of course, all my college posters, as we are now well past that age. Imagine my shock when she insisted that her "obnoxious behavior" poster, complete with Wal-Mart plastic frame that cost a whole dollar, be prominently displayed in our kitchen. Imagine my horror when all the books I had parted with, many theology textbooks that I could have used in my ministry but thought space and order was more important, were supplanted by quintuplicate copies of books 1/50th their value. Imagine my sadness when the unique, original, beautiful drawing of a bright, metallic green and red beetle I discovered, identified, and named while working at the Smithsonian was pushed into a corner to make room for dorm room posters (the drawing was done by hand by a professional artist who works at the Smithsonian). With our small kitchen space bursting, she insisted that we keep both the crock pots she got as gifts, even though we had their gift receipts. They have both been gathering dust.
I'm sorry for the ranting, but I haven't been able to express this to anyone. My wife came from a family where everyone used "I think/I feel" language and the harshest they ever got was "I'm feeling a little disappointed"-- forget a reproof that directs them towards a change they didn't come to on their own. She's as thin-skinned as a fish from the depths of the ocean- the mere air pressure of the surface causes her to burst, and there's no reasoning with her after that. When I try to cull her Frankenstein copies because she A. doesn't have a teaching job, and B. would get school funding for them if she did, she asks why I can't cull my mint condition hardcover set of Karl Barth's Church Dogmatics (Because the 14 volumes would fetch a thousand dollars on E-bay tomorrow and I use them as a pastor right now, that's why). When I try to get her throw out her broken aviator sunglasses she got at a gas station years ago, she asks why I don't throw out the x-metal Oakley sunglasses my brother got me as a wedding gift (because they cost $375 and are in perfect condition, that's why). This is the sort of "logic" that passes as a defense for the survival of the garbage littering our house (and I'm not making this up to paint her as deliberately irrational-she suggested both of those trade offs in the last month on her own).
I'm at my wits end with this stuff. I know women are sensitive, and I've only been a little bothersome about it (always gentle, never sustained or angry), and I even helped her put some of it up... but I'm dying inside. I'm a professional- how can I invite people from my congregation over when I have dorm room posters like "life's little destructions" and one of a frog choking a stork as a stork is eating the frog hanging out in my living area? How can anyone honestly be foolish enough not to see the difference between a dog eared, paperback penguin copy of Emma and a $700 first edition copy of T.E. Lawrence's Seven Pillars of Wisdom? Yet propose throwing out the one (of which we now have 2 nicer, older, hard-cover copies), and she is reaching to throw out the other. Do any of you have experience dealing with pack-rat behavior? How do you manage?
-Ross
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/24/2009 9:50:18 PM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3049
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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When you figure it out, let me know. My wife isn't nearly to that level, but we've had some of the same... discussions.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/24/2009 11:28:46 PM
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Bro_Shane
Posts: 1614
Joined: 8/4/2005
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My friend, I feel for you.
I don't have any idea of how to help you solve this, but I do know that if you do not do something soon it will only get worse.
_____________________________
<---- Respect the turtle neck
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/25/2009 8:44:48 AM
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CDX25
Posts: 24
Joined: 7/25/2009
Status: offline
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Unfortunately it seems she's in an early stage of hoarding (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding), a mental battle that if left unchecked becomes a house full of useless junk and trash. I've heard it likened to a jewelry box...A normal person will have a lot of sentimentality for jewelry as each piece has a story. Hoarders mentally can ascribe this same sentimentality to normal and worthless objects.
Seek some kind of help.
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/25/2009 7:34:01 PM
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APZR
Posts: 1053
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: offline
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Uuuh, yeah... she has major hoarding issues. Since you've just discovered this after marrying her, you need to get her to counseling. This is something that is not easily over come, it's a mix of being selfish along with fear of the future. The last hoarders house I inspected on framed floor with a basement was so severely damage structurally, all I could recommend was a bulldozer. Houses are not designed to hold soooo much stuff that you can't even walk into a room, and believe me, that is where you are headed.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/28/2009 10:41:20 AM
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Ross.Lang
Posts: 464
Joined: 1/28/2009
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Good news! I talked to our pastor, along with my wife, and her mom, the former owner of a professional cleaning service, dropped by and gave her a good talking to. Things really seem to be on the up and up! check my post in "She Says."
-Ross
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/29/2009 12:00:33 AM
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CDX25
Posts: 24
Joined: 7/25/2009
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Awesome news. I'm glad things could be put in a good light so quickly.
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 7/30/2009 6:35:02 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iluvatar
When you figure it out, let me know. My wife isn't nearly to that level, but we've had some of the same... discussions.
-Dan.
yeah... my wife loves knick knacks and books and stuff too... but unfortunately for her, her parents live 15 hrs away... so we couldnt necesarily pack it all up. so she only grabbed what we coould fit in a nissan.
OTOH, i am EXTREMELY disorganized and unmotivated... so i'm sure i get on her nerves too about my cluter. (theres like 4 unuzes computers randomly sitting around the apt for 1) but if i was motivated enough.... and was living alone... i'd toss it all in favor of a minimalist lifestyle. no posters. no decorations. barely any furniture... and life like that. i am not a hoarder... i just get junk to tinker with... it doesnt work out right... and i never make it to the garbage... heh.
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: Help with fairly new wife... near-copy from She Says - 8/24/2009 10:21:40 PM
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WilliamtheConqueror
Posts: 153
Joined: 7/31/2009
Status: offline
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Well now if she hoards (saves) money like she does knick knacks then you sir are very fortunate.
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