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Helping parents - 8/18/2009 2:18:11 PM
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krazykatlady
Posts: 3
Joined: 6/23/2008
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How much should one help their parents? I'm 37, married and both my husband and myself work. My mom & stepdad are retired and on a fixed income. Both have health issues, including diabetes which adds to expenses. My husband, I, and my brother have been helping my mom & stepdad financially for a long time now - about 2 years. My brother has paid their phone bill several times and gives them money on a regular basis as well. I just gave my mom $100 to buy food to prepare for our family reunion and she asked me to get drinks. I gave her extra money for whatever they needed and thought she would get drinks too. I could list a number of other things we have bought them not including giving them money. I don't even want to go through my check register to total up how much money we have given them. This is a constant issue and I'm really not sure what to do. I'm frustrated and feel guilty at the same time. I don't mind helping out but I feel like I'm keeping them up too. Granted, they sacrificed for me a lot too but I still get frustrated at the constant request for help. I know their house will be paid off next month and that will free up about $300 a month for them. If they continue to need help after that I probably will lose it. And for those wondering, no, I haven't seen their bills. She won't let me. I do know that due to Medicare issues they have to pay for insulin sometimes that can run $3-400 a month. Still, I know they have credit card debt and she told me she just ordered a new dress last week to wear to the family reunion.  I wanted to scream. Still do.
So, if anyone has any advice, please share. I really want to break down. I feel guilty and stingy and don't want to feel this way. Also, sorry this is so long.
Thanks.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/19/2009 8:17:47 PM
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MissGizmo
Posts: 3159
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From: Roanoke, Virginia
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I have found that Walmart has a store brand of insulin that is the same as the name brands. You might want to check this out also as a way to save money. My doctor is the one who told me about it several years ago.
_____________________________
Ruth
DECEMBER 2008 SUPERFAN
Let us all be in prayer for our nation.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 1:14:19 PM
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krazykatlady
Posts: 3
Joined: 6/23/2008
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Thanks for the replies and sorry it has taken me so long to come back.
Both of them have supplemental insurance along with Medicare and their dr is great at helping them find ways to cut costs. They both get discounts and are enrolled in voucher programs that allows them to get their meds discounted or free for a certain period of time.
It's really a mismanagement thing I believe. I'm expecting her to ask for more money before next week since it's the end of the month. I already told her I can't do more. I have transferred $140 to her account this month as well as given her either $20 or $40 in cash. Can't remember. We do this every single month.
I'm not exactly sure how much the meds are each month as she won't let me see what they have to spend or what they bring in. I do know a few things about their bills. Their house payment is around $300 and the last one will be made next month. Their phone bill is $70 and the utilities are about $100 a month. They have no car payment but do have liability insurance on both cars and insurance on the house. Wow. Now that I look at that I'm irritated. I think we need to have a pow-wow in the next few weeks. What's sad is I even gave her Dave Ramsey's TMMO book to read.
Anyway, thanks for the replies and the suggestions. I think maybe this is one of those situations where the roles will be turned - I'll end up being the parent. I so dread this.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 1:28:45 PM
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-Justyna-
Posts: 1922
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: Northampton, U.K.
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Im 27 and I end up paying for my sister and my moms expenses all the time. It is really frustrating. Last month they were going to repo my sisters car, so she calls me and asks for $300 dollars. This month my moms car broke down and she needs $400 dollars...so I had to send it to her. Sometimes I dont want to, but it is my mom, the one who changed my diapers and fed me and gave life to me for crying out loud. Shes only 47, so I dont have to take care of her just yet, but the time is coming when I will have to take care of her more often. My sister is younger (25) and has a kid, so she cant help my mom. My mom is divorced and doesnt have anyone to help her. The load falls on me, since I am educated and have a promising future ahead. I can sort of relate to you..hang in there, praying for you.
_____________________________
"In your madness, you can justify anything"
--Me
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 1:49:04 PM
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krazykatlady
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Thanks -Justyna-. I do appreciate prayers. I really feel guilty and selfish but it does get irritating. Yes, my mother raised me and has loved and protected me but she also taught me early on to be responsible. She was very tight with money up until the last few years. It's like she went wild. LOL Helping them out I guess isn't the main issue but the attitude. It kills my step dad but my mom, not so much. She has days where she says it does but it sure doesn't bother her to keep asking instead of stopping the spending. After transferring the $100 to her account last week for food for a family reunion, she mentioned that she had to send back the 2 dresses she ordered because they didn't fit. Two dresses on a credit card that she probably can't pay off. I think it's a store card and I think they have a card to Lowe's. Not good. Still I want to help but I hate the attitude. Like you said though, she's my mom.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 1:56:24 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8212
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Well I'm going to put a different view forward.
I don't see how it can be a good thing to treat your parents as if they were children - I think it's better to let them grow up and take care of themselves instead of enabling them in their bad habits.
If their children are forever baling them out, they will have no need to sort themselves out and get better. They don't have to be responsible for themselves, they can just lean on their children and make themselves dependent on them.
Tough love helps far more in the long run. Giving in out of obligation to make yourself feel better, and allowing them to be codependent and irresponsible doesn't really help them at all.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 2:30:12 PM
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SaraChristine
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I'm the youngest of three girls. I recently moved away to college (my parents aren't helping out at all). My parents bend over backwards to help out the middle sister, because she's a single mom of two children. She lives in my parents trailor that's been paid off... all she is responsible for is lot rent, electricity (which she gets governement help with...), food (government help with), and the house phone. Granted... She has her boyfriend living in the house with her so it's not like she's all by herself.
My parents have occasionally asked for money.. or would take it out of my account directly and told me later. When I moved and let them know I was closing the joint account with them, of course mom was a little upset.
I just don't think it's fair for me to help them out when they could handle their finances if they weren't enabling my sister to take advantage of them.
I guess I'm just trying to say I sort of know how you feel. It got to the point where, if my parents needed money they had to fill me in on their personal finances as well as my sisters. They're my parents, I love them, I'm grateful for them, but THEY are the parents, and no matter what my age is, I am still the child. If you're parents REALLY need the help as desparately as they make it sound, they should include you and whoever else they're constantly asking money from in their finances. It's rough out there for everyone, and you just want to make sure your money is being used wisely.
"Tough love helps far more in the long run. Giving in out of obligation to make yourself feel better, and allowing them to be codependent and irresponsible doesn't really help them at all. " - Manda
Agreed entirely.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 2:37:52 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8212
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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There's a lot to be said for letting people (including our parents) face the consequences of their actions, rather than trying to rescue them.
Especially if they're not Christians. Because if we are always acting as their saviour, it may well hold them back from reaching out to *The* Saviour.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 2:39:34 PM
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blessedinnyc
Posts: 2902
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From: NYC by way of Chicago
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It's time to talk to your parents about how worried you are about their spending. They just paid off the house, and they don't want to lose it to the credit card company.
If your parents really need help with the utility bills or insulin to make ends meet, they obviously need help from their kids. But if their insulin money is going towards luxuries they can't afford, it's time to talk to them about that.
The next time she asks you for money like a utility bill or something else, ask her if you can just sit down with her to "do a rough estimate of how much money is coming in and going out until the end of the month so [you and she] can make sure there isn't anything you're missing." "Rough estimate" means that Mom doesn't have to get out receipts and her checkbook and bear all, but it should still give you an idea of her budget. If you notice anywhere she's overspending, you might be able to help her get that under control.
Did your parents pay for college? That's one thing that might make you feel less annoyed. My parents did, and if they asked me for money, I'd see $100/month or so as a lot better than paying student loan interest. Maybe things will get better when the house is paid off and they have an extra $300/month.
quote:
Still I want to help but I hate the attitude.
You should let her know that it hurts you when you give her $100 so she can make it to the end of the month and then she spends the money on dresses when she needs it to pay the utilities.
Praying for you and Justyna.
quote:
Tough love helps far more in the long run. Giving in out of obligation to make yourself feel better, and allowing them to be codependent and irresponsible doesn't really help them at all.
Let me give you a quick story:
There were three families with an adult daughter who was addicted to cocaine.
The first family allowed their daughter to live with them and gave her money to feed her addiction.
The second family would not allow her into their house and she was left to fend for herself on the street.
The third family let her come home and took care of her, but the father quit his job so he and the mother could follow her around 24/7 and make sure she wasn't doing cocaine until she was clean.
Which family best loved their daughter?
< Message edited by blessedinnyc -- 8/25/2009 2:55:46 PM >
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 2:46:23 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8212
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blessedinnyc
quote:
Tough love helps far more in the long run. Giving in out of obligation to make yourself feel better, and allowing them to be codependent and irresponsible doesn't really help them at all.
I'm not sure about that. Paul says that love is patient, and I'm not sure that you can be patient when you're either tough or choosing to enable someone. Love acts in the best interests of others, and I'm not sure that doing nothing is the best thing for the best long-term interests of others in many cases. Naturally, being an enabler is also not necessarily in others' best interests.
Yes, love is patient, and it means that you love them despite what they do, right here right now. That your love for them doesn't change because they're not how they should be. Loving someone doesn't have to mean giving in to them and giving them what they want. Just like God doesn't give in to us and give us things that aren't for our good. He practices tough love on us, so I don't see why there should be anything wrong in practising tough love on others who are trying to manipulate us.
Can you give an example of where you think tough love wouldn't be in someone's long-term interests?
(Btw, tough love does not consist of doing nothing; what it might do, in this instance, is provide the parent with the telephone numbers of agencies that might help them manage their money better, or phone numbers of churches who provide groceries to those in need. )
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 2:51:16 PM
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blessedinnyc
Posts: 2902
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From: NYC by way of Chicago
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Can you give an example of where you think tough love wouldn't be in someone's long-term interests?
The way I've seen the term "tough love" used is as a justification for doing nothing to "help" their family because "helping" is enabling.
My view is that there are always ways to help without enabling- they just tend to require a lot more time and oversight.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 3:29:31 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8212
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blessedinnyc
The way I've seen the term "tough love" used is as a justification for doing nothing to "help" their family because "helping" is enabling.
I've never used it that way, or seen it used that way.
The first time I ever saw it used was when a mother reported her son to the police for using illegal drugs.
Since then I've only ever seen it used in connection with letting your head rule your heart, rather than the other way round and letting "pulls on heartstrings" lead you into doing something which you don't really want to do.
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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Helping parents - 8/25/2009 6:53:43 PM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10815
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
There's a lot to be said for letting people (including our parents) face the consequences of their actions, rather than trying to rescue them.
Especially if they're not Christians. Because if we are always acting as their saviour, it may well hold them back from reaching out to *The* Saviour.
Excellent point!
_____________________________
Thank you Veterans.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/25/2009 11:50:48 PM
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relady
Posts: 681
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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Do your parents still work or are they retired and trying to live on social security? Because if they are retired, still paying for a home, and trying to make it on SS they are going to be just shy of poverty most likely, regardless of how frugal they are. You certainly need to get a better idea of what is coming in and going out -- I know some parents just believe their children should help support them as a matter of principle. My MIL is like that and all my hubby's sisters have given her money every month all their lives, even before she retired. Hubby used to catch a lot of flack because he wouldn't send $100 home every month - which I would have been happy to do had we had the money, but we didn't. She simply couldn't make enough money on her own to support herself.
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RE: Helping parents - 8/26/2009 10:12:38 AM
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Coffee_Drinker
Posts: 228
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My MIL likes to blow money on stuff when she should be paying her electric or gas bill. Sometimes I wonder how she managed to survive this long.
We don't give her money, but every now and then we'll pay one of her bills and/or buy a few "healthy" groceries - something other than those pink coconut marshmallow snowballs that her diabetic body doesn't need.
Gee... I'm getting closer to that "old" category. Where's the Rapture?
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RE: Helping parents - 9/18/2009 1:53:54 PM
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lindakaye
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I'm in my 60s and my children don't owe me anything. Why would I hang that burden on them.
Your mom is feeling entitled and I would imagine that it didn't just start now but has been going on most of her life. Its just that now she has her children's money and belongings to feel entitled about.
Is it really going to help her to continue forking over the money every month? Has it helped her and your stepdad to get their money issues under control or does it just keep them from facing reality? This really isn't about money, its about taking responsibility for yourself and not ask your children to rescue you.
Please don't feel guilty for your feeling, they are just feeling and they are valid. Maybe its time to change things in your family. As your children get older are you going to sacrifice their education for your mom? There will only be so much money. Now is the time to get this settled.
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RE: Helping parents - 9/19/2009 2:10:29 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 1394
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From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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"Give, and you will receive. You will be given much. Pressed down, shaken together, and running over, it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way God will give to you." -Luke 6:38
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Helping parents - 10/5/2009 11:01:08 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 475
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
"Give, and you will receive. You will be given much. Pressed down, shaken together, and running over, it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way God will give to you." -Luke 6:38
quote:
ORIGINAL: babesummy
...Em maybe we shouldn't also "let the left hand know what the right hand is doing" when it comes to giving even to family!
There is a BIG difference between giving to someone in need and enabling someone to make poor choices and depend upon your support.
It takes discernment to know if this is a case of true need or simply taking advantage. If it is true need, then accountability should not be a problem.
quote:
I have seen well-meaning Christians (and believe me, I have done it many times myself) sacrifice their own well being and even the well being of others who need them in order to "minister" to a person in need. The fact of the matter is that, though we are called to serve and be sacrificial, we are not to give pearls to swine.
from http://brentbarnett.blogspot.com/2009/01/pearls-before-swine.html
Anytime money, assistance, or anything is given (or even loaned), it needs to meet three criteria:
1) Can I afford to give without putting myself and family at risk?
2) Have I prayed and is this what God would have me do?
3) Can I give this without regret, anger, or expectation of repayment?
I will point out, that no matter how strict a budget might be, it is always good to have some money set aside for fun/wants.
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RE: Helping parents - 10/11/2009 11:13:06 AM
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DrivenbyGod
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quote:
"Give, and you will receive. You will be given much. Pressed down, shaken together, and running over, it will spill into your lap. The way you give to others is the way God will give to you." -Luke 6:38
I'm in a similar situation as the OP and have "loaned" several thousand this year, which I don't expect to be repaid. I have mixed feelings bout it as well, but another concern for me is tithing. I want to tithe my income too.
Does anyone think giving money to family is viewed by God the same as tithing or is it irrelevant?
I've been told it's not the same, which puts a much bigger burden on a person if they're also helping to support family members.
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RE: Helping parents - 10/15/2009 6:00:47 PM
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reach
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I am in a similar situation.
My Dad worked hard and before he retired we paid off all their debt. They did not own a house. We moved to a smaller town and we were able to work together.
My Dad felt bad about my sister not having a place to live, and since she is clean and sober, and the mother of the son that lived with us, I did not say much when she moved in. Then my Dad let my alcoholic brother move in. I was not happy. I am suprised they have not been kicked out of the houses with as manytimes as he is arrested.
Right after I got married, my dad had some money invested with someone who stole it all. Ponsy sceme. We were going to take 1/2 of the money and pay off all his debt again and the person took it all. So my Dad was left with a car payment and CC payment. When this first happened, my Dad kept charging on the card. Going places. I really had to tell him stop! You have no money. My had no way to pay things off. He is on a fix income and my brother and sister on unemployment. So he pays the car loan and I moved his money to a 0% card and have been slowly paying it off. They have moved 3 times in the past 3 years. It has fell on me to do everything. This past year it cost my husband and I almost 1000 because the deposit on the new house was hirer and we did not get the deposit back on the old house. I have a large family so I asked my 2 brothers that do well for help on the cost for moving and I heard nothing from them. That is how it has been all along.
I said all this to say that when I first got married I did so much more for my family. Now I am trying to make them understand they have their own lives and need to do things theirselves. So they get food from the shelter. My sister tried to get food stamps and welfare. They have to go without, as there is no extra money there. I pay for things for my nephew for school, but that is it. I am trying to help them learn that they can't just call me and I will take care of everything.
My Dad is almost 80 and I feel at times doing this makes worst for me later because he can make a big mess. But he is trying and they are suffering, so I hope they get more modivation to help themselves.
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