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Egocentric Excess - 9/4/2009 12:59:18 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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It's an odd night while i make my first attempt at blogging. Pretty. Just The right temp. Clear. And Quiet. The quiet is what makes this neighborhood on Chicago's east side so odd. Not one soul outside. There are cars parked at The funeral home so The bars must be full. But outside nothing stirs. Not even The wind. Inside, The kitties lounge; one on The back of my computer chair and my roommate sits quietly doing her thing on her computer. Classic Rock softly plays in The background. Sometimes so softly i can't really tell which song is playing. This makes it a perfect night for reflection.
It is my search i must contemplate and my search which must be discussed here. At times, i can't help but think that the most exciting part of this journey has passed. Other times i think this is the final climax before He brings into eternity.
So, i asked a friend a question about the Sabbath. He has sent his answer and of course it brings up many more questions! He brings up someone called a chief leader. Well, of course, i despise this idea, which makes things all the more exciting because he has given me many Scriptures to look at. Of course i shan't stop with the scripture he provided but what a great starting place! Some of the Scripture i am familiar with but had not really read it in the light my friend presents it.
Then, i have some tings to look up. In Numbers 15:32-36 , is a story i do not think i am familiar with. i will need to look that up and rely upon James Strong to translate any words i think need to be translated back tot he original language. i'll also have to take a look again at the Scriptures where Messiah is recorded as being accused of breaking the Sabbath. i may find that i need to take a closer look at these than i expect, but am not yet sure.
Now then, about this chief leader person. This shall be more of a challenge. Oh, i shall bring my Sabbath question to the chief leader at Beyth-El and i will listen carefully as he answers. But, it is his authority to be better able to understand the Word that i must look into. i think i will start looking into Ecclesiastes 12:9-11 and then follow that up with a jaunt through the Scripture i am fairly familiar with, Numbers 27:15-20, Matt 20:25-28,Jeremiah 3:15. i'll need to put them back into context and then back into the context of the entire Word. Once i have done that we shall see where we are at.
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/5/2009 2:15:09 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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Nice night again. VERY nice. The clouds are covering the moon in such a way that the glow...well i can't describe it but it is real pretty. Temperature is perfect again and the sidewalks are deserted again. i don't know where everyone is really, even the bars are not full. i can tell cause the funeral home lot is empty as are many of the parking spots on our street. Even so, i keep waiting for them to start pouring out and making all of their usual Friday night hoopla but the only sounds remain the hum of an occasional car and the soft background of classic rock.
Another great night for reflection.
Well, i don't normally study on the Sabbath, which is exactly what the question i asked my friend was about. Well, sorta. It did not really have much to do with individual study. It was more about the conglomerate study done in the assembly he introduced me to. i have to come to a certain peace with that, though i am still quite interested in what the head pastor at Beyth-EL has to say on the subject. As far as individual study on the Sabbath goes, for now, i think i actually have no business doing it. And i don't wanna get too far into all of that in case other people are actually reading this blog. i am not really one to want to be telling folks what their walk should like and everything i have been meditating on about that is already into my head. Back the issue of a chief leader once the Sabbath is over.
i think tonight is a meditate on God's mercy kinda night. i need to do that regularly to keep my ego in check. Sometimes it amazes me what my ego can do unchecked. Sure, i thank Him for the mercy He extends to me. No question. But i need to be reminded that He extends that same mercy to everyone else. He really is not concerned with how i feel about another when He is doling out mercy. He does not care if i agree with any given person's actions.
So, keeping with the Sabbath theme but creating a variation, i decided to meditate on finding the mercy in the story found in Exodus 15:32-36. It is the story of a man found gathering sticks on the Sabbath. There is no contextual evidence that he was working according to the most common usage of the word at that time. i believe it is for this reason, they were confused about what to do with him. Although, it could have been that he was gathering sticks to make a prohibited fire. Whatever the reason, it was unclear what to do with him. Once Moses sought God's guidance, it was decided that the man should be stoned by the entire assembly. There is mercy in this story somewhere cause God knows nothing else. Now to find it.......
After much meditation i really think the answer can be found in Romans 9. Now, of course, this is based solely upon meditation. It could very well be that a thorough search of the Word would bring about a different or more complete answer. For now, though, Romans 9. First, we find that not all of those born an Israelite are actually Israel. Not the true Israel anyway and we also find that this is not, in fact, contrary to God's Word. Now, here is where things get ever so slightly sticky; not so much that we can't handle it though. This is simply one of those places that God says "Because i said so!". We are simply not qualified to question how or where He pours out His mercy. Jacob and Esau are given as examples. It is a simple fact that God is the potter. He makes the vessels as He sees fit. Some for noble purposes. Some for common purposes and some as vessels of wrath. He bears with the vessels of wrath with great patience but their purpose is only to make the riches of His glory known to the objects of mercy (vs 19-24).
Perhaps a more detailed journey through Scripture would lead me to another conclusion but for tonight, i must decide that the man gathering sticks was simply an object of wrath prepared for destruction in order to show the objects of mercy God's power and grace and it is not my place to decide if that is right or wrong. Not my place to tell God how to exhibit His wrath or mercy.
God says to Moses
"I will have mercy upon whom i will have mercy, and I will have compassion upon whom i will have compassion."
Exodus 33:19 and Romans 9:14 NIV
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/6/2009 1:36:28 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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WOW! What an amazing, wonderful, incredible Sabbath!!! i wonder if all the world had access to that sunset or if it was a special gift for a select few. It was certainly in my top 5 favorite sunsets for sure!
The weather is a little warm and there has been some activity out there tonight. That distracts me sometimes and i get a little off kilter but i would NEVER so much as consider moving out to the middle of nowhere, so i take the good with the bad. Anyway, i really believe this is the greatest city on earth! i never wanna leave, though i know that season will come too.
Sabbath service and college at Beyth-EL was wonderful. i love these people. i love the things they have to share. i love that friendly little girl who is always all smiles and probably would have sat in my lap again if i had stayed long enough. i can only handle so much before i need to be elsewhere. It is not a statement on them. It is a statement on why the government pays me the big bucks but that is for another time and place.
Of course Beyth-EL has their doctrine like any other place and everything needs to be checked out carefully and thoroughly. They talked a little today about the chief leader. Not nearly enough to fully convince me but they have not finished stating their case yet. In the meantime, my style is to try to both prove and disprove their assertion. To prove it of course, i have the e-mail from my friend and my notes from today's lesson. And my plan of attack for disproving it starts in Kings. Both books of Kings talk of the chief leaders given to our forefathers. Well, of course i know what i am going to find there. Then i shall also need to check more carefully into the time when the Israelites begged God for a King. God was none too happy about that one. This much i know. What i am not 100% sure of how it relates to the passage they gave about God promising a chief leader of sorts to Moses. Another thing to check out is what happened after the time of the kings? What about the apostles? Who was the chief leader there? Of course, we must go with Peter or Paul but they were called to different groups. And what about after that? Well, that is enough brain storming for now. Tomorrow; some serious study! Tonight; some time in the Word just reading and hanging out Him, then a story or two from the compilation Alfred Hitchcock did and some sort of attempt at sleep.
i hate the sleep thing. It is a waste of time for sure and it takes forever to fall asleep. Oh well, for the moment i am still trapped within a body that needs it. Not forever though. Only for a season.....
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/7/2009 12:09:09 PM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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Well, getting in here to post has been quite the challenge; partly because i am having trouble getting my brain to focus and partly because that leads to extra difficulty with time management. It is important that i work through that which is part of the reason i started a blog in the first place. OK. i failed this time. Pick up and start over.
Well, i did look into this chief leader thing a little bit and found myself exhibiting exactly the title of my blog. This is distressing, though encouraging that i am recognising it right away. Well, of course, a chief leader would be the dude God appoints to rule over all of His people. Not sure rule is the best word for that but let's go with it just for now. Anyway, this chief leader is to be given special revelation from God. Revelation given to no other man. Now, if one were to enter my head, one might think that at times, i think i am that chief leader. i don't but it could appear that way. i hate m,myself when i get like that.
Well, let's take a look at what i found and see if a more objective look is in order.Everything i have found so far, is enough for me to say, "OK. No way. No how. God does not appoint a chief leader over His people". All the more reason for me to make an attempt to prove that He does. But first what is my evidence that He doesn't? It does appear that He HAS, at times, appointed a chief leader. This is evidenced mainly in Judges as far as i am concerned. But there is a very definite pattern to the book of Judges. It basically goes like this: The people turn to foreign gods, The One True God gets angry and sells them into captivity to some other nation, they cry out to the One true God, He has mercy and raises a deliverer, the deliverer becomes the judge (or chief leader), that deliverer dies, the people turn to foreign gods.....
This pattern seems to repeat throughout the book of Judges and things don't get much better once we start reading through Kings. It is also important to note folks like Gideon. Gideon was raised up as deliverer and then asked to be the chief leader. He stated that he would not be any such thing nor would his sons. Of course, people being people, they followed him anyway and one of his sons did get arrogant and greedy and manipulate and murder his way into that position. i can find no evidence that any of this was so much as condoned by God.
Now, what of the kings?i think i would get no opposition to the claim that VERY few of the kings experienced by Israel were interested in following God. Well, God warned Israel of this little issue. We see that when we look at WHY there were kings appointed to Israel in the first place. At that time there was a chief leader and his name was Samuel. Well this wasn't good enough because the other countries did not have a Samuel. They had a king and like every good kindergartner, Israel NEEDED to be just like everyone else. Both Samuel and God were angry but God told Samuel that it was not Samuel they were rejecting. They were rejecting God Himself as their chief leader. Pretty strong evidence against a human chief leader.
i shall attempt to look at Scripture that affirms the possibility of a human chief leader a bit today and get those thoughts down tonight. First, though, i must allow my mind to open back up. Anyone who says my mind is anything more than a hindrance to my walk with the One True God, really does not know me very well.
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/8/2009 2:52:48 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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Well, it is rare that i watch tv, Even More rare that i should get interested in what is on but tonight that seems to be what happened. There is some sort of documentary on the History Channel about the Manson murderers. It is extremely well made and i am liking it alot. That is pretty pretty random and of no consequence really. i do try, though, to imagine myself in those girls' position. i wonder how i would have reacted. The one relating the story is at the point where she is going to try to escape. i wonder if i would have had that kind of courage. i really don't know. i doubt it.
i do have some thoughts about the chief leader thing i have been studying and i did look into trying to prove that God does, in fact set one human over all of His people at any given time and give this person some special revelation that He shares with no one else. Do i believe it? Not yet. Perhaps never but i did find a compelling passage in Ecclesiastes.
More on that tomorrow though as my Graves Disease is acting up again and i need to be a t the dr tomorrow fairly early. Wish i'd never started sleeping every night. It is such a waste of time. But i guess my body needs it.
_____________________________
The more complex the sugar is the more my body likes it. My taste buds like the things my body likes. My body hates meaningless fat in the things i eat but my body loves fiber! Exercise is my favorite passtime!
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/9/2009 3:00:22 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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OK. So. i decided to spend some time at the library today and because i am weird, decided to read about Chicago cemeteries. i really love strange things like that: cemeteries, ghettos, all sortsa things most people take for granted or ignore or even disdain. Anyway, i found this really cool story. i did not know if i should think it a happy story or a sad story, so the adjective i choose is cool. Musta been back in the day when trains were running on steam. Seems this dude was driving his train down the track, just minding his own business when alla the sudden he sees another train on his same tracks headed straight for him. Now, he had plenty of time to bail but decided to stay at his post, release steam and apply the brakes. He managed to slow the train enough that he was the only one killed. At one of our local cemeteries, there is a life sized rendition of disassembled train parts serving as his headstone and paid for by all of the passengers he saved. We (my roommate and i) will be needing to go and see the resting place of this brave man at some point in time.
Now then, about this"chief leader" thing i have going through my head. i am still struggling with seeing it objectively, but i did find that passage in Ecclesiastes...make that Numbers chapter 27... that may, in fact, allude to the possibility that God keeps one of these chief leader dudes around. Here, Moses is preparing for his death and asks God to appoint a successor; a man over the congregation. Then there is Jeremiah chapter 3. At the very least, we are promised pastors but i need to look into this chapter more thoroughly. It is intriguing but by no means definitive since there is not consistent follow up throughout Judges, Kings or the New Testament and, in fact, God says that the people are rejecting Him when they seek a human leader when they asked Samuel for one. So far i am seeing NOTHING that indicates any leader has any special revelation from God that He gives to no one else. And so the quest continues.....
_____________________________
The more complex the sugar is the more my body likes it. My taste buds like the things my body likes. My body hates meaningless fat in the things i eat but my body loves fiber! Exercise is my favorite passtime!
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/10/2009 3:54:28 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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WOW! It has been a full day and then my internet decided to go out for a while as i was perusing this forum grrrrr! Guess i will have to see if i can make this a brief post. Another full day tomorrow.
Humans truly fascinate me. A few days ago, a friend and i had a bit of a falling out. Now i am not going to go into all the details but the last i heard from her before today was quite filled with anger and indignation. Since i apologise only when the apology is honest, i didn't. i simply was not in the wrong. This does not mean she was, it simply means that i wasn't. Anyway, today, i got an e-mail from her friendly as ever and asking when my roommate and i were headed over to her place of residence. Just as though no harsh words had ever been spoken. This is not the first time i have left her angry over the truth and not apologised for it. Every time, after a few days, she is back in my e-mail friendly and acting as though nothing ever happened. Now, i was not in the wrong but because of her perceptions, i do need her forgiveness before she can do this. Though i disagree with the VAST MAJORITY of her doctrine and, in fact, will not discuss some of it with her at all, i do think that her ability to forgive is an example. One i need to be following.
Just a quick note about the whole "chief leader" thing i have going on before i go into the bedroom and see what kinda success i have with resting. After putting the verse in Jeremiah 3 back into the context of chapters 3 and 4 as well as back into the context of my understanding (so far) of the entire Word, i still see no evidence that the pastors God promised through Jeremiah are a permanent fixture nor do i see any evidence that they are given special revelation. more studying tomorrow. i expect to come to a decision within the next week and move on to something else.
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/11/2009 3:44:25 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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As i read through the other blogs, i notice that many people are telling a little about themselves in theirs. i kinda like that little glimpse into who folks are. i shall try it soon since it appears that people are at the very least opening this blog and perhaps even reading it. Not on a night like tonight when my cable company can't seem to keep my cable connected but very soon.
After much prayer and careful consideration of everything i have been given about this "chief leader" thing i've been looking into, i have come to a decision. The reality is that i just cannot find any strong evidence to support the idea, and, in fact, i am able to find evidence that, at least once, when the people requested a human leader, it was credited to them as rejecting God as their leader. i really do not think i can do that. He has gotten me this far without a human leader. Well, that is not entirely true. At one time i attended church and listened intently and even took notes as the pastor spoke, but that proved to be more a hindrance to my walk with God than a help. Just like with this current doctrine, the Bible just did not say most of what the pastors were saying. i won't put myself back into the position of having to choose between what the Word actually says and the doctrines of man. More than that i cannot and will not reject God as my Leader.
i guess it is time to get honest with the leadership of this assembly i have been attending and see if i am still welcome there despite the fact that i cannot accept much of their doctrine. It is not just the chief leader thing. One other example is the hebrew language. Now, i can respect the hebrew for the deep language that it is and, i more and more desperately want to learn it and the other Biblical languages, but i cannot and will not serve a god who is limited by a human language; even hebrew. i refused to serve a god who was limited by the doctrines of christianity and i certainly will not serve a god who is limited by human language. No way. No how.
They are a great bunch of people and i truly like them alot. It will hurt some if i find that i am not welcome there but i can't live a lie. They seem to think i can accept their doctrines and i tried. But if the Word does not say something, then the Word simply does not say it and therefore, i can't accept it. i'll have to go and talk with them perhaps tomorrow night because i can't make it to service this weekend. Perhaps there will be time to talk with them about if i should come back at all. i'll see what happens when the time comes. For now i need to be focused on the visitors i will be having this weekend; my daughter and three of my grandsons.
< Message edited by bondserv65 -- 9/11/2009 3:51:07 AM >
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/17/2009 1:10:24 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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Whew! That was sure a long few days. Certainly, i am not fully recovered yet. i would like to smoke. Since 6:15 AM, i have not had a desire this strong yet. Now here it is. i guess this is The way things go.
It is a harsh world out there but i don't understand inconsistency. And it is particularly confusing when related to religion. For example, there are those who will first in line to burn a Harry Potter book or condemn The movie but are first in line to see The next Disney movie and to defend it. Mickey Mouse is a sorcerer according to nearly every commercial break on The Disney Channel. Or perhaps one will condemn Harry Potter but have The The whole night The Wizard of Oz is on, planned around it. That is not the only example but, of course, it is the one that comes to mind due to the current circumstances.
It seems my roommate and i have this friend who shall b e henceforth known as D. Now, D. is cool; very cool in fact and we like her pretty well. She is, however, just a touch on the flaky side; intelligent (though at times one would never know it), passionate, pleasant, loving but with a propensity toward the occult. Perhaps this isn't so odd as both Solomon and Joseph got caught up in sorcery as well. Which of us is wiser than Solomon. None i guess which leads me to believe that any of us is susceptible to being caught up in some form of sorcery.
Well, D.'s form of sorcery is called gemantria. It is some bizarre mix of witchcraft, astrology and divination using numbers. i don't fully understand it and am not really interested in understanding it any further than what i found on line once we got back from our overnight visit with D.
It was a great visit, but i had to come home and find out WHY the hebrew characters had been assigned numerical values since she really had no idea. i did find that answer but in the process found out some info on this gemantria thing. It's pretty frightening stuff even if it weren't one of the three main founding principles of cabala (jewish mysticism) and is a main staple in the diet of the gnostics.
Now i do not know how i feel about the gnostics, though i suspect they are like other forms of religion and simply deceived. Just like any other religion i guess theirs has its measure of truth as well.
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/20/2009 3:06:09 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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Consistency. Not really my forte. That is part of why i started this blog. i DO desire to learn consistency. So, here i sit at 2 am nursing a cup of coffee and pondering this. i could analyze it to death but that would be little more than a waste of time. Oh, sure, i could perhaps find an excuse or some sorta justification (i have found that i can come up with both of these with the best of them). The simple fact, though, would remain that i have never really bothered to put any effort into teaching myself consistency. Now that i am 44 and have used half my earthly life doing other things, i shall be more diligent about the things i am doing to teach myself consistency.....
After we get back from Pennsylvania, that is.
Well i am working on day 5 of not smoking minus the 2 drags i took early that first day of course. Now i am no proponent of psych drugs. In fact, i think arch rival might be a more accurate assessment with VERY rare exceptions. This is one of those exceptions. Bear with me please while i sing the praises of a quit smoking dose of Welbutrin. Into the 5th day and i have had not one overwhelming urge to smoke. Oh, i have had to struggle some but not like i have in the past. My roommate even smokes in the same room with me and in the car with me. She is happy for me and jealous too. i keep reminding her that her turn will come. She has some other things she needs to work through before she can start on this.
Time for the down side; the reason i hate psych drugs in the first place. Now, i wanted off this drug as quickly as possible, so the minute i thought a reasonable amount had built up in my system, i decided to stop smoking. In short, i have been taking this drug for about 2 weeks plus, oh say, 5 days. Yesterday, i broke down and my roommate found me crying inconsolably. She tried, but it was hopeless until there were just no more tears to shed. That was about my son in the marines. Valid reason for a mom to cry inconsolably? Sure, considering the state of the world, though not worthy of THAT much drama. Then, it happened again tonight. Again, a valid reason (this one a little more personal), but still not worthy of so much drama.
So, my roommate asked if i was 100% sure it is the Welbutrin rather than the onset of mental pause. Well, of course, i am not sure, but i can't rule out the medication until i stop taking it. And, realistically, if it isn't the medication, it's certainly interesting timing for all of this dramatic boo-hooing over things i was handling fine before it built up in my system. We shall see.
The adventure of life continues!
And more on that tomorrow......
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/22/2009 2:12:14 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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Alrighty then. It seems that not only do i lack consistency, my math skills are among the worst i have ever seen as well. Seems that i took 2 drags off a cig at 6:15 AM on the 17th and by 1:10AM on the 20th, i had not smoked for nearly 5 days. If i redo that math, i am going to find that, in fact, i am just now working on my 5th day. OK. That bit of confusion cleared up, i wish to move on....
This will likely be my last post until we return from the east. There is something magical out there; the Blue Ridge and Appalachian mountain ranges, the Shenandoah Valley, the Blue Ridge Parkway, little mountain roads, some without any barrier should one start to veer off the road and into the valley far below, the little town that had a regular sign stating the name of the town and wired underneath a hand-painted addition "POP. 34", the scenic overlooks, the little mountain springs, the breathtaking waterfalls. Nothing captures my imagination more
We'll leave Wed morning real early and take 65 down to Louisville. We'll pick up 64 there and head toward the West Virginia/Virginia/Kentucky border via Kentucky of course. i expect we won't make it much past Lexington before it is time to start looking for a camp ground. That should put us at my roommate's birthplace early Thursday so she can explore to her heart's content. Friday or Saturday we shall head north toward Moundsville. Now in Moundsville there is a sight everyone should behold at least once in their life...so says me 
Not so far south of Wheeling, Moundsville houses the North American main temple for the hari krishnas. Beyond the incredibly beautiful grounds and beyond the absolutely stunning architecture, there are the people. Now, i have tried many times to accurately describe these folks without much success. Most of the time people just kinda look at me slack jawed as though i had just tried to decribe it in swahili. Suffice to say that i left that place the last time thinking " i really should serve my God with the devotion they serve their god". See what i mean....
It is powerful but something one must actually experience it to fully understand.
Our last stop shall be Gettysburg. We shall walk across the battlefield even though the sign says not to. We shall gaze upon all the "haunted" whatevers and we shall connect with history so to speak.
Of course God will be accompanying us through all of this and probably doing most of the driving since i really never sleep well unless i am behind the wheel and my roommate is refusing to drive in the mountains. Won't be the first time He has driven for me. Probably won't be the last.
< Message edited by bondserv65 -- 9/22/2009 2:22:41 AM >
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 9/29/2009 3:49:57 PM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
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i will post about this here because i want to watch my progress but not in detail. The details, really will need to stay private as i have no where to turn and they cannot be posted here for many reasons. This is, in fact a good place to be though at the moment, it is uncomfortable. It is in times like these that i must rely upon God alone. And in each of these circumstances, He has proven Himself trustworthy. This will be no exception.
i honestly wish i would die. This is nothing new; i just have not felt this way in a very long time. i have tried to die at the times when i feel like this and i can't. i can't if there are physical reasons why should and i can't cause it myself. i can't deny that i think quite often about the trains running express. If one stands at certain stations long enough.....
Anyway, that is neither here nor there cause i am not at a train station. Last time i was at a train station while these thoughts ruled my mind, i thought i could do it but the conductors are right there on the side with the tracks. This one had his little head peeked out and he was just doing what he has to in order to feed his family. i couldn't do it. i never will
So the next to do is what i always do: survive. God will take care of the blessing He has for when Him and i get through it successfully.
More about happier and/or more mundane things later tonight when the headache subsides and the depression lets up for a minute later tonight
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 10/1/2009 9:23:28 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
Status: offline
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i guess i did not make it back later on the 29th. When was that even? i dunno. No matter anyway. The trains running express are still pretty attractive but i am still thinking clearly enough to know that jumping in front of one is not an option so i have that to be grateful for. The reality is that i have MUCH to be grateful for. Way to much to ever really list and how i can even think of something like ending my life over any circumstance is beyond me. Still i do it. i am going to finish this post, get dressed and check out a few options for some counseling. It will be a challenge since i will be non compliant with ANY psych drugs and most places that offer just counseling won't accept my insurance. In fact, to date, i have found a grand total of zero places that will accept my insurance and still see me if i refuse to swallow any psych drugs. There is a place over in Hammond i wanna look into. Perhaps they have a sliding fee scale. Behavioral therapy is my best option i think.
i don't really have alot of interest in rummaging through memories that i do not trust and have nothing to check their accuracy against. Nor am i terribly interested in the whys of my actions. i have always been solution oriented....
eh...
perhaps not always...
Anyway, i am more solution oriented than cause oriented. i did try the whole delving into my past thing at least once. i could not last and, in reality, if the past i "remember" has any validity to it at all, it would be too easy to assign excuses to my current behaviors. i think it best to leave my past in the past and deal with what the problems TODAY are. Yes, i will go over to Hammond for a minute and should that place not be an option, i'll get an intake appointment here in Chicago and leave the details to God. If He wants me doing this, it will work out and He will have to sustain me through it. If He doesn't want me to do it, well then, all the better cause i am not really good in that situation anyway and i strongly dislike it. Some action does need to be taken though, so i am off to take some......
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 10/2/2009 3:44:50 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
Status: offline
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Here we sit again; me and my coffee. Everyone else is finally snuggled soundly away in some dream or other. Even Smokey, my "sentry kitty" who is normally perched alertly on the back of my computer chair slumbers in some nook or cranny. Or more likely, on the bed guarding my roommate's feet.Most days, this is my favorite time. You know, after everyone else has settled in to sleep (including the noisy neighbors) and everything is quiet? Well, until a train shatters the silence of course. i also rise before everyone, at least everyone audible and visible in this building but that is not as nice as now. Now all of the activity is a block east. On rare occasions, we will get something from one of the bars down the street but mostly the drunks just stumble quietly to their cars, or, in the case of the biker bar, bikes. there is the rumble of one now but still this is more private than the mornings. This is my favorite, yes.
Nah. i did not make it to the behavioral therapy place earlier. i was being hollared upon to "just get outta here", so i did without my contacts. Now, without my contacts, i can see well enough to drive safely in daylight (and, of course, it was) but i can't just find every random thing cause i can't really see signs all that well. It pretty much has to be HUGE or i have to know exactly where it is. So i drove up and down Homan a couple times, then parked and walked about a mile south but apparently, i was parked too far north and i lost interest in the walking. So, i just returned to my little car and went to the car wash.
Nothing has really changed as far as my circumstances are concerned other than we both just ran out of energy and gumption for the bickering. Yeah, that is really a pretty big relief i guess. The problem though, is that nothing about the underlying issue that causes the bickering has changed. Interestingly enough, i feel like 100% better. Emotionally, that is. i can think of only 2 rational scenarios here. Either i really am some form of bi-polar and am just now showing any noticeable sign of it or i am premenopausal. i vote for the later. This should be a fun and interesting ride. Oh yeah, there is another option. The Welbutrin. That stuff has done wonders with my cravings to smoke but the fact remains, it is a psych drug. i have never done well on those. Should be off of this one by week after next, i spect. Even if all of this emotional upheaval has been caused by the Welbutrin, it is worth it. i do not think i shall have to go back to smoking. This is cause for happiness and joy and above all gratitude.
Now, i grow weary of typing and desire to play a game before i get my Bible and start to settle in for the night.
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 10/3/2009 3:23:51 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
Status: offline
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And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony....
Revelation 12:11 KJV
Part 1
It didn't seem like such a foreign world back then. It wasn't frightening or degrading. It was simply the world in which I lived.Even so, I knew it was wrong. Sure, God freed me from the drugs. The alcohol. The indiscriminate sex. Even the sins too horrific to mention. Everything that is in a "powerful" Christian testimony is in mine. But God saved me from something more sinister.
Don't expect some holy sounding dissertation nor should you expect me to condone sin. These are the simple facts.
I barely even knew what a Bible was when I moved from public to catholic school but they required the purchase of one. With the use of it actively discouraged, I had no idea what to do with the thing. So, it being a book and all, I decided to read it. Anytime I was anything that resembled sober and probably many times when i wasn't, I read it insatiably. Call it my form of rebellion, if you will. I did not stop the indiscriminate sex, the drug use or other illegal activities. Yet every time we were alone, I read, and, God and I had a little chat. Nothing noble, holy or selfless. I did not pray for others or the state of the world or America's leaders. I simply chatted with The Almighty Creator of the Universe about me......
and Him.....
That was that. There was no fanfare; no trumpets; no tears; no prearranged "prayer" for me to repeat; not even a specific moment that I can pinpoint and a cult movie with a "sweet transvestite" as the protagonist was my church. I was saved. You may think that's sarcasm. It isn't.
It never occurred to me to tote a Bible around with me. Not yet anyway. But everywhere I went I would pick it up and read it if I saw one. Published by the Watchtower? God did not care. High degree Free mason Bible with spells in the back? God did not care. Catholic Bible? God didn't care. He was making good on two promises of which I was unaware. First That His Word is LIFE in abundance and second that if one prays ACCORDING TO HIS WILL, He WILL answer.
The phrase "personal relationship", in my opinion is so overused it has become meaningless. That is sad because one of the things i asked God for way back then was for Him to make Himself real to me. Today, He is as real to me as my roommate sleeping in the bedroom or this kitty curled up on the rocking chair over there in the corner...
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RE: Egocentric Excess - 10/6/2009 9:56:27 AM
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bondserv65
Posts: 317
Joined: 5/1/2009
From: Chicago
Status: offline
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Then Agrippa said unto Paul, Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.
Acts 26:28 KJV
Part 2
Immediately after high school, a friend of mine and i got this apartment above a bar. Now only a couple things about life above the bar are actually relevant to who i am today. The first is the owner of the bar( who we shall call C); the second is the product of my "relationship with said bar owner.
Now it came to pass that the laws in Illinois had just changed. 18 year olds could no longer legally drink but they were still permitted to hang out in bars. It started innocently enough. i just needed a check cashed. In those days, bars still did that sort of thing as well. C cashed it and to coin a cliche, the rest was history.
C hated illicit drugs and in exchange for abstaining from those, he provided me with all the alcohol i ever ask for. i never went back to illicit drugs. Meanwhile, throughout this "relationship with C, i continued to seek the God i had found in the Bible. i had long since abandoned the midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show (complete with audience participation) as my church and was not giving up drugs. It's not like i understood that all of this was His plan. i was just living my life and doing the next thing.
As it sometimes happens with the sexually irresponsible, i, of course, ended up pregnant. No job. No income. Savings completely depleted. No insurance. My roommate had left for some man and i had been evicted and turned down by Section 8 so no roof over my head. C was willing to pay for an abortion but was taking no further responsibility for a child that was not his. It is interesting how the human brain works. i know now, that there was about a 1 in 8 chance Anthony was his but at the time, i was convinced that he was the possibility. Well, i was having no part of an abortion, so, i moved back into my parents house.
i knew that Anthony was 9 ounces heavy and 9 inches long but, it was not until his funeral that i saw how beautiful and perfect he was at around 6 months gestation. The hospital in which Anthony was born, happened to employ my aunt who assured me that they had baptised Anthony so that he could go to heaven. Apparently the catholics not only baptise infants but the dead. Anthony was both upon birth.
Now remember, i was still actively seeking the One True God. i had found many interesting things in His Word and was starting to come to understand it all. It made no sense to me that sprinkling a little water on a dead baby's head could possibly make any eternal difference.....
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