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need something - 9/5/2009 7:36:52 PM
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natelo
Posts: 5
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
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I am not really sure where to start. Let me start out by saying that I have struggled with sexual sin for as long as I can remember. My parents never really taught me anything and made any type of relationship between a boy and girl seem bad, even when I was in college.
My wife and I have been married for just over 9 years. We have two children, a 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter. Our marriage was good until we had our first child. After that, it started going down hill with constant fighting etc. About 2.5 years ago, I made the decision to be unfaithful. I believed that our marriage was over and that it wouldnt matter. I was more wrong than I ever would have guessed. We have stayed together and tried to work through things but not much has really changed. Understandably, she has had a hard time forgiving me and my infidelity comes up frequently during arguments.
I love my wife greatly even though I have not shown it at times but I feel empty inside. She has told me that she does not know if I can ever make her feel loved again.
Recently, there has been a female at my place of employment that has been making advances towards me. I have told her I am married but she says that doesnt bother her. I also have had a customer service rep that I talked to when I needed to get my account number for one of my utilities ask me if I knew any good lawyers. I told her I did not but I have a friend who just used one and I could check with him. She gave me her number and I called her when I got the info on the lawyer. She then started sending me suggestive messages which I for some reason replied to. An ex friend of this girl sent a message to my wife stating that I had been 'seeing' her for the past few weeks. I deleted it out of panic even though I had never even seen this woman. She lives several states away I have not been looking for any of this but it seems to find me and I feel helpless. I have not told my wife about either of these recent incidents since I have not done anything with either of these women and I know if I did tell her even though nothing has happened that she would take it very hard. I have no idea what to do. I just want to be left alone by all females except my wife. I know this sounds like rambling but I am completely lost. Can anyone help?
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 7:57:03 PM
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ctpruitt
Posts: 400
Joined: 4/25/2009
Status: offline
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Yep...quit that job. Your job, no matter much value you place on it it not worth your family. I don't say that lightly...I have a friend who went thru exactly what your are (execpt that he did not have an affair). Finally the womam started calling his house looking for her. He did not go back to work. He had been there for 15 at the Univ Of Ga in Athens. He spent 6 months unemployed and got a far better paying deal up the road in town with a large industry. He moved his whole family to that area just to get away from the woman at work. His boss said that he would fire her, just 'cause she had the hots for one of his employees. Don't let your of job loss cost you your family.
Don' t do it.
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 8:01:19 PM
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natelo
Posts: 5
Joined: 9/5/2009
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as far as my job I cannot do that. I am in the military so I cant just quit. I do not not work directly with person at work, in fact she works miles away from me. I have only physically seen her a few times.
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 8:06:28 PM
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natelo
Posts: 5
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
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I believe I need an accountability partner or something like that but I am not really close to anyone here. We moved here 5 years ago and I have not really made any friends. Our church is big and we have had bad experiences with small groups. We don't spend much time at all with other families, churchgoing or not. My wife and I speak completely different love languages. Neither of us feel loved most of the time. We had a very good 6 month stint after I came back from my deployment last year but now we are back in the same rut.
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 8:06:37 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8231
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: natelo
Recently, there has been a female at my place of employment that has been making advances towards me. I have told her I am married but she says that doesnt bother her.
Report her to your superior.
quote:
I have not told my wife about either of these recent incidents since I have not done anything with either of these women and I know if I did tell her even though nothing has happened that she would take it very hard. I have no idea what to do.
Tell your wife.
Get some counselling.
_____________________________
"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 8:06:48 PM
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ctpruitt
Posts: 400
Joined: 4/25/2009
Status: offline
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Well, if that is the case, the best thing would be let your wife know about any and all females attempting to contact you...whether it is in a professional siutation or not. Also, don't be deleting stuff..show them to your wife. That will just boost any ideas she may have. There just is not anyway that you can completly cut your self off from all female contact...surely you wife knows that.
Once again, don't hide anything from her...show her all emails and whatever.
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 10:12:18 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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You need to be extreemly firm with any women who is despicable enough to say that it doesnt bother them that you are married. Dont just tell her that you are married, but that you are happily married, a xcommitted christian and you would never under any circumstances betray her. if that doesnt work then tell your superiors and let them deal with her.It is harrassment if she wont leave you alone. Cut off ALL contact wth her, (which shouldnt be too hard if she is quite a way away from you)
It isnt surprising that your wife is having trouble trusting you again, it takes a very long time to do that and some never can. At least she stayed with you and that is a bog bonus.
YOu say that you have different love languages, well read "The Five love languages", find out what they are and work on meeting each others love language needs.
There must be one man in your church that could be your accountability partner. Ask your pastor to recommend someone who is a mature godly man who can meet with you, pray with you and hold you accountable. This will also help your wife to trust you again as well.
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RE: need something - 9/5/2009 10:42:05 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2220
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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Here's the key: never, never, never, never play around with any kind of flirtation or relationship with any woman who isn't your wife. You almost lost your marriage from satisfying yourself instead of keeping your vows ("forsaking all others, keeping yourself only for her") and you're starting to act silly again. Stop it. Now. Today. This minute. And never go there again. Your marriage and the welfare of your children is at stake. Children of divorce get lower grades, more of them get into early sex before marriage and into illegal drugs, and more of them commit suicide. Protect them by protecting your marriage.
Run, not walk, to your pastor and tell him what is happening. Get some Christian counseling (not nonChristian, secular counseling, because they'll tell you to get divorced. Imagine how God feels about that...).
You need to build hedges around your marriage to protect and nourish it. There's a good book called "Hedges" and another good one called "Federal Husband." Get a Bible that is easy to read (KJV is 400 year old English and many people have trouble with it. So get the NEW King James Version or the New International Version or the New Living Bible - all good translations) and start reading some every day. I recommend you start in Matthew.
If you want friends, you'll have to be friendly. Church is the best place to find Christian friends. Hitch up your belt and go do what needs doing.
God bless you and your family, Natelo. I am praying for His best for you.
You might want to get your wife up on this forum so she can find some good fellowship, too.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: need something - 9/6/2009 12:08:39 AM
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natelo
Posts: 5
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
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We have read the 'Five Love Languages'. The problem I have is she says that she doesn't think I can make her feel loved again due to my infidelity.
One of my biggest problems is I have a very hard time telling anyone 'No'. I know its not good, but I feel like I need to help people if they ask.
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RE: need something - 9/6/2009 9:08:40 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: natelo
We have read the 'Five Love Languages'. The problem I have is she says that she doesn't think I can make her feel loved again due to my infidelity.
One of my biggest problems is I have a very hard time telling anyone 'No'. I know its not good, but I feel like I need to help people if they ask.
yes I can understand why your wife feels that way. The betrayal of having sex with another in the worst thing a spouse can do to the other. The marriage will never be the same agian but with work and willingness on both sides it can still be good. I am not sure I could ever trust a man again if he did that to me, but give her time to continue to heal. It may take many more years but that is the consequense of sin.At lease she hasbt divorced you or left you which many would have done.
Have you both had any counselling about what happened? That may help you both.
You HAVE to learn to say no, especially to other women . My husband is a bit like that. This is why his ex wife and his mum took advantage of his good nature and walked all over him.I get annoyed about it, but he has got better.However he would say no if another women wanted him to do anything innappropriate.
Think of your wife first in all thngs. Dont put other women and what they want before what your wife needs and wants. SHE and she alone is your first priority.(along with your faith of course).
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RE: need something - 9/6/2009 3:26:13 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2220
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: natelo
We have read the 'Five Love Languages'. The problem I have is she says that she doesn't think I can make her feel loved again due to my infidelity.
You ripped the guts out of your marriage. Of course she doubts your love. It's going to take probably a few years to overcome her hurts and suspicions by your sterling behavior.
OK, you've read the Five Love Languages. Now go read your Bible like your life depended on it (because it does).
quote:
One of my biggest problems is I have a very hard time telling anyone 'No'. I know its not good, but I feel like I need to help people if they ask.
Can I have your paycheck every payday? Can I move my 150 pound dog into your house? Can the guy next door sleep with your wife every night?
Of course not.
So where are you going to draw the line? Your marriage is hanging by a thread - better to err on saying "no" to everyone who doesn't count in your life than losing your wife (who does count) and wrecking your children (all of whom you should be willing to die to protect).
You've got several issues here: boundries (not able to say no), adultery, not loving your wife like Christ loved the Church and died for her, not raising your kids in a home of instruction from the Bible. Serious stuff.
So don't give up. This is your chance to start again. Grab the opportunity! Read your Bible, talk to your pastor, start learning how to love your wife biblically, start training your children (first of all by example and secondly by reading the Bible to them). These are big ticket items, and you can't afford to think they'll take care of themselves. Look at the mess you're in now because you didn't take care of them. You can turn this around, and you must.
The end will be terrific. It will more than repay all the work, sweat and sacrifice. It will give you more return than the interest on any bank account, and no one can take it away from you. God's blessings on you, dear Brother. You've got a job to do - go do it. Godspeed!
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: need something - 9/7/2009 2:36:26 PM
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natelo
Posts: 5
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
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I told my wife about the past few weeks and she does not believe me. I showed her the email that I deleted and it makes no difference. I have scheduled counseling but I do not really see that it will help. We have been to counseling several times in the past with no lasting results.
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RE: need something - 9/7/2009 8:50:36 PM
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truthrevealed
Posts: 732
Joined: 12/6/2007
Status: offline
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Looks like the enemy of your soul has you exactly where he wants. He'll work against your mind to convince you that because of how your wife feels your marriage has little hope and then he'll make sure to play on your weaknesses and offer just the right temptations concerning other women. The devil is a liar!!! If you belong to Christ there is hope for your marriage, your family and yourself!
It's understandable how your wife feels, however if she has any relationship with God, He'll convict her concerning forgiveness and moving forward in faith, trusting Him with the results. But that's so much easier said than done. So for your part---accept that the process of building and re-building will take time. Don't allow yourself to faint and give up because of your wife nor because of the feelings you may have when you get attention from other women. Your heart is yearning for the love of God and His offer of relationship with you concerning His love is unconditional and without reproach . Be patient with the process but be hopeful! recognize that the enemy will sell you a bill of hopelessness, despair and temptations because his aim is to kill, steal and destroy---but I am a personal witness that if you stick it thru with God---leaning on Him, talking to Him and seeking Him for help---it may not turn out how you think or how you want---but it will be alright 
_____________________________
I'll tell the world....where--ever I go. That I, have found, a Savior....and He's sweet I know!!!
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RE: need something - 9/7/2009 9:12:56 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 536
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
I told my wife about the past few weeks and she does not believe me. I showed her the email that I deleted and it makes no difference. I have scheduled counseling but I do not really see that it will help. We have been to counseling several times in the past with no lasting results.
*Actually it does make a difference - you keep putting truth into your marriage anyway.
Make the effort to connect with solid Christians - learn to do Bible devotions together - pray for each one another (while he or she is present.)
You can't save your marriage if you aren't willing to go through the fire.
(That affair cost you more than you ever could of dreamed)
Being sorry for the affair is one thing - regaining your wife's trust is going to take a lot of time, sweat, prayer and a lot of tears... prepare yourself for battle!
It will amaze you how fast ladies can learn about a guy who's cheated on his wife!
Learn to avoid setups(flirty women and if they need info (refer them to the phone book) - keep your cellphone number private... only three people have my cellphone number.
You can learn to say no to your wife - yes, you had an affair but it doesn't mean it's OK for her to use that fact to get her way all the time.
Yes, marriage counseling can help - you keep applying what you have learned(you can only change yourself and the way you react to your wife).
The way to overcome a difficult obstacle is to keep working on the problem. Honesty and sincerity(loads of prayer) go a long way - even if it seems that nothing is changing... most changes occur beneath the surface(remember that!)
Don't forget to start "dating" your wife!
That's how you got her right? So - back to square one and start over!
Make a list of things you did in the past to win her heart - do them again and again!
Loving someone is a choice - not just a feeling.
You both probably agreed to something like that - when you spoke your wedding vows?
Remember the part about: "in good times and bad times" in sickness and in health? - you're experiencing the bad times.
God loves us - He even loved us while we were yet sinners!
(nothing about feelings eh?) He chose to love us(we were wicked and rebellious) - he sent his son
to reconcile us unto himself. Jesus chose to go to the cross - he surrendered to the Father's will. Many of us need to surrender our own will.
Reflect upon Psalm 51(whole chapter)
Think upon this verse....
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
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