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misery in marriage - 9/12/2009 2:40:48 AM
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strivingtogrow
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/12/2009
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This is a long post, but I feel all information in it is relevant to explain my particular situation. I am just looking for feedback/encouragment. Thanks. Also, there's some sensitive topics discussed, like sex, but I believe I have done so in a mature, responsible, non-offensive manner. I am new to this forum. I read the TOS carefully and believe I have followed them to the best of my ability.
Why does God allow me to live in misery for so long? (Marriage and family being the main source of misery) Can I ever look forward to a season of peace and joy? I am 40 years old, with a 14 year-old (out of wedlock pregnancy)and have been married for the first time going on 6 years this Sept. I basically got my life back on track and began following God in 1999, and am a strong Christian who seeks God, turns to God for comfort, hears from Him, reads his Word etc. He gives me directions on what to do to help us as a family, and there's some progress in finances and more peace compared to years past, but some situations feel like they will never change. My husband, although Christian and goes to church with me, is very lazy, non-helpful, self-serving, provoking, obnoxious, helpless, and verbally abusive at times. He has been physically abusive on maybe 7 occasions since we've been married in almost 6 years (i.e. pushing, twisting arm, soft hit to stomach-no serious damage, but brute force none-the-less.) Did hear God in marriage decision, but rushed with short courtship. He and my daughter fight a lot (verbally) and he says very rude, mean things to her, too. I wait on them hand and foot and do just about all the household/family tasks (cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries, parenting, bill paying), while they demand and complain. I literally hand them drinks, food, go hunting for items for them, etc. I also work 32 hours a week at a job I love and am also a teacher in a children's ministry (Fri nights)and was also helping with a homeless/soup kitchen ministry on Sundays. I attend church on Weds and twice Sunday. I have a short break on homeless ministry for now. Although I find joy serving the Lord and spending time with Him which sustains me, I want joy in family life, too. Usually feels like I live like a slave in a dungeon, and I constantly struggle with abandonment issues and resentment (which I repent from). I cannot keep up with chores well enough and the house is usually messy and dirty, except for those moments I have extra strength/vitality to attend to household duties more than the usual 15 hours a week. Want to come up with chores plan but husband can not/will not keep up with his end and daughter will defer to the fact that Step-dad doesn’t do things so why should she. Neither is bothered by the messes, although it is a source of shame and discouragement for me. She’s addicted to the computer and is very messy-leaves trash everywhere. We recently spent $97 on a program to monitor and limit her use, but it is not working, and I am having difficulty fixing it because she has changed administrative rights/passwords, etc. He usually lays on couch and sleeps/watches TV, or plays video games when he is not working his 36 hours a week. He doesn’t pick up after himself, either. Communication is pointless because he purposely twists my words, provokes, makes himself out to be the victim constantly, has a sense of entitlement, and has an unrealistic view of his own contributions. He really thinks he’s an equal helper when he cooks maybe once every two weeks and does dishes once every two weeks. If I refrain from being the generous server/picker-up-after/cleaner/finder then my husband becomes provoking/hostile and will end up provoking daughter into arguing/cursing match, which at one point ended up with me having to stand in between them because he was threatening to kill her after she threw water on him. He said later he did not mean it in that way, but those words were unacceptable to me. To make matters worse, I am a victim of sexual abuse/physical abuse /neglect-and although I’ve had 6 years of therapy and have been in recovery through the Holy Spirit since my daughter was born-14 years ago-I find there’s many triggers activated in my family life, often. The biggest one is the constant sense of abandonment as the filth of the house and being alone cleaning it reminds me of being locked in a feces covered, filthy room as a child for hours on end after the sexual abuse. I can’t seem to get past it, and this is what makes me feel miserable, angry, irritable, hurt, sad, alone and like I am living in a dungeon all the while I go about the household tasks, particularly the cleaning. I have a lot to fight through. On days my triggers are particularly bad-I need extra time with God which could take anywhere between 2-5 hours just to get to a place I’m functioning. Not having much nightmares/flashbacks/body memories anymore-just dealing with those intense abandonment feelings. Husband can’t connect to this part to see how his behavior triggers me and makes me feel. I push past my feelings to be a selfless and faithful wife, but it takes its toll on me. Instead of fighting feelings of hatred I must constantly repent from, I want love feelings for him and respect to come easily…I ‘m an artist, too, but under these circumstances my creativity and inspiration to make art gets zapped. I’m always feelings overwhelmed and still struggle with shame, condemnation and bouts of self-hatred, related to the abuse, although at other times I feel joy and confidence in my identity in Christ. I’m not attracted to my husband at all. In fact, I’m repulsed often, as in addition to all the other stuff, he has disgusting habits. God wants me to create a child with him (which only part of me wants), and God has been promising this child and confirming it multiple times though multiple people for about 5 years, now. We have been trying to conceive-just hasn’t happened, yet. I believe God, even though I’m 40, now, but I’m really afraid to have a child with my husband. Recently, a few months, ago I was diagnosed with an incurable non-sexually transmitted disease called lichen sclerosis which makes sexual intimacy painful, and although this disease is under control through medications, I have lost part of my normal anatomy to it and it has been a struggle as it is very similar to sexual abuse to have something invasively hurt you and mutilate your body. In addition to being sexually abused as a child I was also raped at 19 (1989) which was how I lost my virginity. I had a tendency to get in sexually abusive relationships and was raped/molested a few times afterwards too until I got healing/counseling. My Dad, the main abuser, died in 1988. In 1992 after a serious boyfriend/fiancé of 2 ½ years left me, I became wild and promiscuous until the time my daughter was conceived in 1994. I began counseling then after the birth in 95 and began becoming more stable, and by 1999 I was celibate until my marriage in 2003. Then I dealt with addressing the thought-life. I’m happy to say most of the stronghold is gone, although I struggle every now and then with the thought life. But one thing I struggle with is why God let this happen to me after I got my life back on track (the miserable marriage and sex life, the LS). My husband has ED problems of his own which impede intimacy and besides that he’s just not one who has the perception/sensitivity/or initiative to be good in the love-making. So I more or less sacrificed my sexuality to God, forever. I’m willing to do it, but I must admit I do struggle with wondering who might be a better marriage partner or remember times past when I had phenomenal sex and worry this could be a potential weakness in me. I’m almost paranoid about it, the potential to become unfaithful. I have dreams about other men, made up ones, although there’s an old friend I sometimes dream about. I have an unfaithful heart and I constantly give this over to God to address, but I wish it were easier. I wish I didn’t have so many obstacles to overcome. I totally see that resuming my old life would just add to my misery and probably wouldn’t be physically possible anyhow- to have the same pleasure. I want to enjoy intimacy with my husband and look at him like a lover I yearn for-it saddens me greatly that I can’t, and this is another deep hurt. This area and the messy house/lack of equal contribution/abandonment and subsequent shame and misery, feel like problems that I will live with for the rest of my life. I want to have more faith in these areas, but after nearly 6 years, I haven’t seen any breakthroughs. Most of the people who suffered in the bible eventually had many blessings in store for them, but it seems like they did not suffer for as many years as I have been suffering-40 years. I’ve been wondering about the years/durations of the sufferings of Paul, David, Joseph, Job and will have to study this in particular as far as how long. Does any one have any insight? I wonder when my time will come? My season of joy? It’s one thing to feel joy in church or joy in the spirit despite your circumstances and it happens for me sometimes, but what about just pure undiluted joy in my circumstances? What about a whole season of joy and not just a moment or two? Will I ever get my time? I feel like we are living in the end times and things will only get harder, although God told me personally that for the Christian things will be more exciting-revival, miracles, major visitations, etc. I cry out for such a visitation from God that would make the misery of my circumstances pale in comparison, but such a visitation has not happened, yet, although I do abide in the presence of God. I think often I would just assume go and be taken up to heaven, now, but fear of leaving my daughter alone on this earth without me to look out for her, makes me not want this choice, and also I want to live up to my destiny no matter how difficult. I feel God would take me out if I really wanted to and things became unbearable, but I pray for strength because I want to please him first and foremost. We have had marriage and family counseling off and on when we can afford it. BTW, I can’t afford a separation, now, with our bills and living expenses although our rent and utility bills are as cheap as possible. We sometimes barely make it with the two of us. I now make enough income not to qualify for any help, but not enough to actually live on my own. Any encouragement/feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/12/2009 4:23:51 AM
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Feyth
Posts: 89
Joined: 9/4/2009
Status: offline
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STG, I am so sorry for your sadness.
Life can be so tough sometimes. I believe that when we are already down that satan will try to attack even more. He wants to instill us with fear, doubt and sadness and sometimes we feel we just can't bear it and want to give up. God wants us to have joy in our hearts even in the worst of times.. Our lives will never be without problems and sadness but God gives us the hope we need.
I read Romans 8 again yesterday and it really encourages me to be stronger.
ROMANS 8:
15For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
16The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God,
17and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
I really encourage you to read Romans 8.
Do you have any female friends?
Is there an older Christian woman at church that you feel you can trust and pour your heart out to? One who can encourage and help guide you?
I feel your pain and sadness. Right now life feels unbearable for you, almost hopeless.
I have said a prayer for you.
Keep praying and trust in God.
One thing I learned, which for me takes a great deal of humility and strength, is to change how I react to things.
I don't mean that I necessarily change how I perceive something but how I react.
When you are hurt and angry it is not easy to smile and be quiet or walk away...we want to express our anger and pain. Controlling our reaction to others has a great effect. Much more than yelling or nagging or sarcasm.
I know all that you are living and feeling is so painful for you but try to learn a new way of reacting to the ones you feel are causing you your pain.
Let them see God in YOUR life and from YOUR heart.
You will gain strength from leaning on God in the worst situations.
I'm sorry for all you have been through but God is truly with you.
Keep your eyes on Him.
Keep praying for your husband and daughter.
It will get better because God will give you the strength you need.
You have to believe it.
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/12/2009 4:39:56 PM
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strivingtogrow
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/12/2009
Status: offline
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Thank you, Feyth, I really appreciate your encouragment. Romans 8 is one on my favorites. I read it all the time so I am very familiar with it. You picked a good one as it is very fitting to my circumstances. I know God is more concerned with my character and the more I allow him to make my heart pure, the more he can use me because I will have developed a lifestyle of dependency on Him. He uses me to minister to many already because I have gained much wisdom over the years, plus professionally in my job I counsel/minister to others as well. But wisdom and strength which I have, mostly, don't take the pain away. God is walking me through writing a book about overcoming sexual abuse addressing many of the specific areas i have had to address and through the truth of his word, so one day maybe I will have something to show for it if I ever finish.
I have good friends and a big support network as I am actually involved in 2 churches for about 4 or 5 years, now, although I was in other churches before that. My best friend is in her 60's and she has a similiar marriage in ways, so we encourage one another and even prophesy to one another as God leads. I know you don't approve of prophesy being given to one another here, but hopefully it's ok to mention it. I have two spiritual fathers in addition to having a step-Dad. I also have at least 5 other close girlfriends I can talk with at times about these things and I do when I need to. I try to be careful what I say because I don't want to dishonor my husband, but at the same time I do need encouragment...I sometimes leave out details or just give different people parts of the story, which is why I chose an on-line forum to vent and get encouragement. Probably my best friend really knows all of the details and so does my spiritual Dad, but he usually just prays instead of responding much. I have shied away from talking too much about sex with people. I wanted a place where I could share the whole story to people who don't know my husband so they won't judge him and where I could put the whole story-well the good gist of it.
My husband isn't entirely bad. He has his redeeming qualities, such as we both view God is similiar ways and are very compatible spiritually which was why I married him. We met in a singles bible study group. He can be a good conversationalist, although he pretty much talks non-stop, and often times about trivial matters which annoys me often. He was willng to take on my daughter who was 8 at the time we were married and has always been quite a handful. They are actually alike in many ways, although they usually don't get along. They do things togther like watch movies sometimes. she has no other Dad, as her birth father left at 3 months pregnancy and has been a nomad since in order to avoid paying child support-and has since become homeless and mentaly ill from what I was able to dig up one time-we've had no contact. He also is patient in accepting my sexual abuse and my L.S., and never forces me to do things sexually, although he can be clumsy and hurtful accidentally-made worse by the LS. God's told me he needs encouragment and i have been trying to give it to him, but it is tough when I am angry alot. i want to see him live up to his potential and find a rewarding life, because life is no picnic for him either. He hates his job, although he's been faithful with it for nearly 2 years, after and initial bout of job instability and has been trying on his own to control his anger-he's resistant to getting therapy for this, but has been willingly to do marriage and family therapy.
I pray often for my family and go on fasts for both my daughter and my husband, usually about a month at a time, although I don't usually give up eating all together I will sacrifice something of the flesh like the internet or watching movies, or eating dessert or a combination.
I want to say something to others reading this, perhaps those with less than honorable intentions, I am not interested in an extramarital affair so please don't send emails trying to find out more about me like where I live or what my name is. I want to remain anonymous for obvious reasons of how much vulnerable information I shared. I hope nobody interpreted this post and the previous one as an invitation for such activity. I am seeking help/advice/encouragement on how to improve my marriage. Thank you.
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/12/2009 4:53:26 PM
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strivingtogrow
Posts: 3
Joined: 9/12/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
One thing I learned, which for me takes a great deal of humility and strength, is to change how I react to things.
I don't mean that I necessarily change how I perceive something but how I react.
When you are hurt and angry it is not easy to smile and be quiet or walk away...we want to express our anger and pain. Controlling our reaction to others has a great effect. Much more than yelling or nagging or sarcasm.
I know all that you are living and feeling is so painful for you but try to learn a new way of reacting to the ones you feel are causing you your pain.
Let them see God in YOUR life and from YOUR heart.
You will gain strength from leaning on God in the worst situations.
Feyth, I forgot to respond to this part. That is good advice and I have been trying to, although I am successful probbaly 50-70% of the time. I'm not usually too sarcastic, and I don't nag too much, but I usually appear cold, upset, annoyed, irritable, etc, and I sometimes lose my temper and yell about things or try to express how I feel whih backfires, sends my husband denying or provoking and then I'm screaming. I will continue to work on this, and thank you for the prayers.
Must go clean the house, now. God bless, everyone!
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/13/2009 1:48:48 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 536
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Why does God allow me to live in misery for so long? (Marriage and family being the main source of misery) Can I ever look forward to a season of peace and joy? I am 40 years old, with a 14 year-old (out of wedlock pregnancy)and have been married for the first time going on 6 years this Sept. I basically got my life back on track and began following God in 1999, and am a strong Christian who seeks God, turns to God for comfort, hears from Him, reads his Word etc.
*Stop being their full time maid... put them on notice that they will start helping out as of such and such date - and stick to it!
(Either way they will complain - so why not simplify your home life and do a set amount of chores and leave it at that?) At 14 your daughter can take care of her own laundry, cook and clean her room and a few other things(if they don't get done - get rid of the computer or the internet.)
Your hubby can do the rest of the chores.
Leave some free time so you can pamper you.
Don't over volunteer - that too can make things worse when your home situation is out of order. You keeping yourself occupied with serving - serving and more serving! You can get in a rut/depression and you will actually convince yourself to keep doing more! Check your motives!
Ask yourself why am I doing this?
What do I expect to get in return?
Remind yourself often of this ---
Even the Lord had to withdraw from people and get alone with God the Father. Jesus got tired and he had to rest & refresh himself before he could get back to doing what God had called him to do.
Spend your time wisely.
Be good to yourself and get the rest you need.
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/13/2009 7:03:56 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2220
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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(((Strivingtogrow)))
Dear Sister in the Lord, I grieve for your misery. I'm no trained marriage counselor (your pastor can do that for free) but I'll try to help what I can. Welcome to the forum; you'll find many kind brothers and sisters here who will care.
quote:
Why does God allow me to live in misery for so long?
Would it help to know you aren't alone? There have been men and women of faith down through the millennia, suffering, misunderstood, living difficult lives, who've used their time as they could to learn more about God, to thank Him for salvation, and praise Him. Look what the angels do in the Book of Revelation: they sing "Holy, holy, holy!" Look at Rev. 5:12. Wow. Look at the tough time Jesus had - people trying to kill Him, lying about Him, trying to catch Him out so they could persecute Him.
Where are all those people now? They are with the Lord (unless they're living now, and there are Christians in jail and being executed in various countries), seeing Him face-to-face and delighted forever more. That's our future, too, so hang in there. Live your life five minutes at a time. What does God want you to do the next five minutes? Or the next five seconds? And the five seconds after that, and the five... you understand.
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I basically got my life back on track and began following God in 1999, and am a strong Christian who seeks God, turns to God for comfort, hears from Him, reads his Word etc.
Hurray!
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He gives me directions on what to do to help us as a family, and there's some progress in finances and more peace compared to years past, but some situations feel like they will never change.
Hard times seem to last forever, but take comfort that no situation lasts long. People get old, they die, they change, they move in and out of our lives, things happen that changes life.
BTW, I'm glad to hear your husband has a job.
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He has been physically abusive on maybe 7 occasions
This is criminal. The laws exist to protect women from stronger men who hurt them. God invented law and it's for you, so use it. Call the police next time this happens, and file charges. Your husband thinks it's OK to do this, his faith isn't sinking in yet to convince him this is wrong, so let the courts convince him. Men who abuse like this sometimes get more and more violent, so protect yourself. The judge will help you set boundries on his behavior ("touch you to hurt you and he goes to jail" Assault is not legal).
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He and my daughter fight a lot (verbally) and he says very rude, mean things to her, too.
In some places, this could constitute child abuse, which is also illegal. He is teaching her to be an abused woman - like you. You may need to get a minor child out of his sphere of power until she reaches her majority. Go talk to a lawyer - many do free consults. Or call the Legal Aid Society; it's in the phone book.
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I wait on them hand and foot and do just about all the household/family tasks (cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries, parenting, bill paying), while they demand and complain. I literally hand them drinks, food, go hunting for items for them, etc.
You are allowing this. What will they do if you tell them from now on they are going to help out, starting with getting their own drinks and food? If you are in fear of being hurt, then you need to get your child and yourself out of there and to a battered women's shelter. The police will tell you where they are (it's a secret so men can't find them). Take a taxi if you need to, or ask the police for a ride.
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I also work 32 hours a week at a job I love and am also a teacher in a children's ministry (Fri nights)and was also helping with a homeless/soup kitchen ministry on Sundays. I attend church on Weds and twice Sunday. I have a short break on homeless ministry for now. Although I find joy serving the Lord and spending time with Him which sustains me, I want joy in family life, too.
I think you have too much on your plate. What can you cut out? Not your family. The job? The ministry? A church service?
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Usually feels like I live like a slave in a dungeon, and I constantly struggle with abandonment issues and resentment (which I repent from). I cannot keep up with chores well enough and the house is usually messy and dirty, except for those moments I have extra strength/vitality to attend to household duties more than the usual 15 hours a week. Want to come up with chores plan but husband can not/will not keep up with his end and daughter will defer to the fact that Step-dad doesn’t do things so why should she.
You are dealing with major disrespect. Talk to your pastor.
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Neither is bothered by the messes, although it is a source of shame and discouragement for me.
Philippians 2:4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
...and neither of your family members are doing this. Can your pastor talk to your husband and daughter after church?
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She’s addicted to the computer and is very messy-leaves trash everywhere. We recently spent $97 on a program to monitor and limit her use, but it is not working, and I am having difficulty fixing it because she has changed administrative rights/passwords, etc.
OK, I've suggested this before and people didn't like it, but what if you unplugged the computer? It's not like starving her.
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Communication is pointless because he purposely twists my words, provokes, makes himself out to be the victim constantly, has a sense of entitlement, and has an unrealistic view of his own contributions.
Counseling. He's being deceitful to you and it would be good for a third party (preferably a man - your pastor is ideal) to point this out and encourage him to help you.
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If I refrain from being the generous server/picker-up-after/cleaner/finder then my husband becomes provoking/hostile
Then he's a hostile person. You aren't causing this, it's who he is. It's sin: lack of love. Unedifying words as Eph. 4:29 commands. Counseling.
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and will end up provoking daughter into arguing/cursing match, which at one point ended up with me having to stand in between them because he was threatening to kill her after she threw water on him.
Never let this go unreported to the police again. A death threat is a crime. Your daughter needs your protection because he isn't giving it but is going opposite to his job in her life. One of her parents needs to do the right thing.
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He said later he did not mean it in that way, but those words were unacceptable to me.
They'd be unacceptable to a judge, too.
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To make matters worse, I am a victim of sexual abuse/physical abuse /neglect-and although I’ve had 6 years of therapy and have been in recovery through the Holy Spirit since my daughter was born-14 years ago-I find there’s many triggers activated in my family life, often. The biggest one is the constant sense of abandonment as the filth of the house and being alone cleaning it reminds me of being locked in a feces covered, filthy room as a child for hours on end after the sexual abuse. I can’t seem to get past it, and this is what makes me feel miserable, angry, irritable, hurt, sad, alone and like I am living in a dungeon all the while I go about the household tasks, particularly the cleaning. I have a lot to fight through. On days my triggers are particularly bad-I need extra time with God which could take anywhere between 2-5 hours just to get to a place I’m functioning. Not having much nightmares/flashbacks/body memories anymore-just dealing with those intense abandonment feelings. Husband can’t connect to this part to see how his behavior triggers me and makes me feel.
Bless you, dear Sister; you've had a hard road, and your husband isn't helping you. Understand what others do to you is outside of you and not your fault. I'm glad you're in therapy; the devil likes to get us alone in a corner and lie to us.
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I’m always feelings overwhelmed and still struggle with shame, condemnation and bouts of self-hatred, related to the abuse, although at other times I feel joy and confidence in my identity in Christ.
Shout down the lies and stand on God's truth. That's how we crawl out of the pit, or at least that's part of it.
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I’m not attracted to my husband at all. In fact, I’m repulsed often, as in addition to all the other stuff, he has disgusting habits.
This is a end result of how our marriages work, and yours isn't working very well so it's no surprise. I'm sorry, dear one. Lots of people in this boat, I'm afraid, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.
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God wants me to create a child with him (which only part of me wants), and God has been promising this child and confirming it multiple times though multiple people for about 5 years, now.
Not many women are getting pregnant at 40. You want to bring a child into an criminally abusive marriage (forgive me, this is harsh) when you aren't protecting the child you already have? You are overwhelmed with all the things you feel you have to do and you want to add an infant to that equation?
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I’m really afraid to have a child with my husband.
I think you're right.
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Recently, a few months, ago I was diagnosed with an incurable non-sexually transmitted disease called lichen sclerosis which makes sexual intimacy painful
Your husband is willing to hurt you over and over?
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by 1999 I was celibate until my marriage in 2003. Then I dealt with addressing the thought-life. I’m happy to say most of the stronghold is gone, although I struggle every now and then with the thought life.
You're doing great! Yay!
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I must admit I do struggle with wondering who might be a better marriage partner or remember times past when I had phenomenal sex and worry this could be a potential weakness in me. I’m almost paranoid about it, the potential to become unfaithful.
You are wise to be leery of it; it's a sin that can sneak up on you.
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I have dreams about other men, made up ones, although there’s an old friend I sometimes dream about.
We can't control our dreams, and anyone only God knows what they mean. Don't let yourself worry about this.
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I have an unfaithful heart and I constantly give this over to God to address, but I wish it were easier.
Every Christian is a walking civil war. It sounds like you're handling it well. We all struggle, and yeah, I wish it were easier, too.
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Most of the people who suffered in the bible eventually had many blessings in store for them, but it seems like they did not suffer for as many years as I have been suffering-40 years.
I am the product of a criminally abusive home that I've struggled with for almost 60 years, and I'm just now getting a handle on the incredible damage that was done to me. Thank God He is chipping away the lies and showing me my sin in the bitterness I've had all this time. It's been a long process, and I'm looking forward to being totally free of this nonsense in heaven. Meanwhile, I soldier on, digging up the truth from God's Word and shouting down the lies. And God blesses. I'm so grateful.
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I’ve been wondering about the years/durations of the sufferings of Paul, David, Joseph, Job and will have to study this in particular as far as how long. Does any one have any insight? I wonder when my time will come? My season of joy? It’s one thing to feel joy in church or joy in the spirit despite your circumstances and it happens for me sometimes, but what about just pure undiluted joy in my circumstances? What about a whole season of joy and not just a moment or two? Will I ever get my time?
Bless you, dear one. There are many instances of waiting: Abraham waited 25 years to get the son of promise (he was 100 when Isaac was born!). Many of the OT prophets talked about the coming Messiah but never saw Him. Hebrews says many waited for the promise but didn't get it in their lifetimes. Still, they were faithful all their lives (and they have it now!  ). God will give us joy for our mourning, beauty for ashes. Keep on keeping on.
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I feel like we are living in the end times
You are right. The Bible says "in the end times God sent His Son" so the end times started 2000 years ago and is still on-going.
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and things will only get harder, although God told me personally that for the Christian things will be more exciting-revival, miracles, major visitations, etc. I cry out for such a visitation from God that would make the misery of my circumstances pale in comparison, but such a visitation has not happened, yet, although I do abide in the presence of God.
God promises we will have trials and that He will deliver us from them, refined like gold. You will be 24 karat! I'm so glad you're abiding in Him.
quote:
I think often I would just assume go and be taken up to heaven, now, but fear of leaving my daughter alone on this earth without me to look out for her, makes me not want this choice, and also I want to live up to my destiny no matter how difficult. I feel God would take me out if I really wanted to and things became unbearable, but I pray for strength because I want to please him first and foremost. We have had marriage and family counseling off and on when we can afford it. BTW, I can’t afford a separation, now, with our bills and living expenses although our rent and utility bills are as cheap as possible. We sometimes barely make it with the two of us. I now make enough income not to qualify for any help, but not enough to actually live on my own. Any encouragement/feedback would be greatly appreciated.
You have had and are having a tough time, and God will sanctify it to you. Go to your pastor for counseling, or ask him what other pastor can do it if he can't/won't. It's their job and they aren't supposed to charge for it. Find out what is the healthy way to live in the Bible, and you do it even if your DH and DD won't. Keep trusting God; you're standing in a long line of believers who have suffered and it will be right and good and joyful in the end if not before then.
Know that I care about you and am praying for you today. God bless you and deliver you and heal all your family. (((HUgs)))
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/25/2009 1:45:53 AM
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02051203
Posts: 18
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline
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Dear strivingtogrow
Do you realise that it is possible one day you may not be around to serve and pick up after your family? Yes! what you do for Jesus' sake is what will count to him. I can understand the need to be a good wife and mother. The bible supports this. Ask God to give you wisdom to cherish his Temple (your body). Move on and look to the future with God. Do not dewll on the negatives that others brought upon you in the past.
True , many of the people mentioned in the bible got great blessings after they pass certain tests. You can come out as pure gold. Please resist the temptations. (Testing vs tempting) . God would not allow you to go through such misery without rewarding you. Use wisdom from God to save your mental, physical and definitely spiritual health. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL.
Your BREAKTHROUGH is coming. Why do you think you ended up on this forum? - Miriam
Father in the Name of Jesus let your purpose be revealed for your daughter. She needs your deliverance from these struggles. Only you can give her hope, joy and happiness when those around her fail. Your will be done ABBA FATHER.
< Message edited by 02051203 -- 9/25/2009 1:53:06 AM >
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/25/2009 6:16:54 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1477
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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I am so sorry for your suffering but just wnated to point something out. You ask why God has allowed you to suffer but you also said that he warned you about this marriage, but you rushed into it anyway. if he warns us and then we do it anyway, how can we blame him when things are so awful?
Going by what you have said you should never have married him, but now that you have its what to do now.I would have left him long ago if was being abusive to me and espoecially if my child was suffering.I would NEVER put up with ANYONE treating my child like that.
Why have you stayed for so long?You are enabling his bad bahaviour by putting up with it.
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RE: misery in marriage - 9/25/2009 11:59:10 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3284
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
Why does God allow me to live in misery for so long?
Because God allows you to make choices. You are living in misery because you are choosing to live there.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: misery in marriage - 10/18/2009 2:55:25 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: offline
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You have been given some wonderful scriptures to encourage you. God and is word can be such a source of encouragement. As far as counseling, I believe you should seek out a Biblical, pro-marriage, trained counselor who does not ascribe to what I call marital mediocrity.
You cannot force your husband to truly love you as Christ loves the church, though there is nothing - I repeat - nothing wrong with desiring it. But your daughter is still under your authority. She need to respect you and get off her duff.
Two books that have helped our marriage are His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. They are written by a Christian trained psychologist with decades of experience in marriage counseling and restoration.
And definitely guard your heart. If you are dreaming about other people (which really is out of your control), this means you are vulnerable. No sharing or close friendships with men at all.
And if he physically assaults you again, I wold call 911. I have never found a verse in the Bible that says, thou shalt lovingly let your husband beat you.
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RE: misery in marriage - 10/19/2009 10:01:28 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8029
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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It seems to me this is what your post boils down to: quote:
Most of the people who suffered in the bible eventually had many blessings in store for them, but it seems like they did not suffer for as many years as I have been suffering-40 years. I’ve been wondering about the years/durations of the sufferings of Paul, David, Joseph, Job and will have to study this in particular as far as how long. Does any one have any insight? I wonder when my time will come? My season of joy? I have been married for 32 years to a woman who also was sexually abused by her father as a child. We married young and I was unsaved then. These three decades have had a fair share of misery for both of us. I drank and did drugs, mentally and verbally abused her mostly in the first 18 years before being born again. Most recently now my wife has been unfaithful three times in the past three years. She too misses the "phenomenal sex" she had had as a teen with various boyfriends and because of a mental condition went out looking for it. (We never did click in that department although she did and does see me as a good provider and partner.) I say all that to tell you that even though these past few years has been like hell to me, what keeps me committed to her and faithful to her and the vows I took is that I know my time will come, the suffering will be over when this time on earth is done and I am with my Saviour. Then there will be no pain, no tears, the past will be wiped away. That is where my faith is, as should be everyone's.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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