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On other adults correcting children What do you think? - 9/12/2009 9:17:15 AM
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sudden
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When I was a child and was corrected by a neighbour, teacher, family friend, or a senior relative, and yes, even strangers on the rare occasion, a reprimand coming from one of them meant more than a dozen from my parents and it stuck with me. I am speaking of verbal correction, not physical.
In my opinion there is a lot to be said for any handy adult correcting a child who is acting up. They learn quickly that it is not just their parents who disapprove of their behaviour and they are unable to get away with much.
What do you think?
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:33:35 AM
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Sideways
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I think adults should only correct another's child if:
1.) There is an element of physical danger to the child and the parent is not around
2.) The child is harassing them, their child or their property
3.) The adult knows the parents well enough to support their parenting methods and beliefs.
I don't think an adult should go against what the parents have already taught the child as right and wrong. I've seen my inlaws try to tell their grandchildren things that go against the parents' way of doing things, and that is confusing at best, harmful at worst.
So... tread lightly, and at best it's a case by case basis.
_____________________________
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:38:54 AM
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WalkingwithHim2
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I agree with Sideways.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:43:26 AM
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BlessedMamaofmany
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I agree with Sideways also.
I am totally okay with my closest girlfriends correcting my kids. They often will (and vice versa) when we are together.
_____________________________
Atheism: The belief that there was nothing, nothing happened to nothing, then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything, then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself into self-replicating bits that then turned into dinosaurs
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:44:58 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Yeah, I'm pretty much in agreement with Sideways, as well. I'm not inclined to trust too many people's parenting methods so I really don't want them interfering with mine unless there's danger to my child or another because of my child or if my kid is doing something to someone else or their property and I'm not there to take care of it.
Again in agreement with Sideways, my kids have been brought to tears by adults reprimanding them - not for misbehaving or disobedience or anything that my kids shouldn't be doing, but because the adult misinterpreted what my children were doing and why they were doing it. Then I have to undo the harm that interfering and opinionated adult did.
I'll give an example of this. My 16 yr old daughter has a friend from church who can be malicious. There was a falling out between them because the girl was being hateful to my daughter (I was aware of events as they happened so it's not a matter of me believing my daughter over the other girl and I don't interfere with the girls' spats, they need to work it out themselves which they do). When this happens, which it does occasionally, my daughter doesn't retaliate, doesn't hold a grudge, doesn't do anything but distance herself from the other girl for a time in order to avoid being hurt further. This particular time, the other girl knew she was in the wrong and didn't want anyone else to find that out so she lied about what happened to her parents and it spread through the church. My daughter got ripped to shreds by the adults at the church (including her dad and her grandparents) for not being buddy-buddy with this girl. Everyone thought my daughter was being hateful to her and not "nice enough" when all she was doing was trying to protect herself from her and they lit into her with an abundance of misguided "correction".
This is by no means an isolated incident, merely the most recent one. Both my children have been undeservedly rebuked other adults, often for doing things that *I* told them to do. Most people should mind their own business or talk to the parent first to find out what's really going on instead of jumping to their own conclusions about what my kids should or shouldn't be doing.
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 9/12/2009 10:12:41 AM >
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 11:44:35 AM
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SurpassingPeace
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I agree with Sideways on this. For the most part, I think it is better not to do so. What is okay in one family is not okay in another. For example, my dd is almost 2 years old. She is a rough and tumble down in the dirt little girl. I was standing around with other mommas while the kids were playing. My dd was straight into the dirt. One of the mommas began to correct her for getting dirty. I told her no it was fine. The other momma insisted that she didn't need to be doing it and she would get her clothes dirty. I told her I encourage Hannah to explore her environment and I have a big bottle of Oxyclean. She kept going so I put on my stern mommy face and told this grown woman, "That's enough, leave it." She finally did.
I find other parents get way more freaky about things than I do. I am a pretty laid back mom with regards to alot of things such as climbing, exploring, and playing. I don't want other parents to correct behavior that I feel is healthy. I guess it is my kids my rules. In reverse, I see parents letting their children do things that I think are wrong but unless it falls under Sideways rules #1 or #2, I keep my mouth shut. Their kids, their rules.
Karen
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 11:47:16 AM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
I think adults should only correct another's child if:
1.) There is an element of physical danger to the child and the parent is not around
2.) The child is harassing them, their child or their property
3.) The adult knows the parents well enough to support their parenting methods and beliefs.
I don't think an adult should go against what the parents have already taught the child as right and wrong. I've seen my inlaws try to tell their grandchildren things that go against the parents' way of doing things, and that is confusing at best, harmful at worst.
So... tread lightly, and at best it's a case by case basis.
AMEN.....
I would however add a #4....if the action of the child goes against the rules of the location where they are. I.E. it is clearly posted in a local church that the children are not to run or skip down the halls....(they have counseling rooms there)...
But considering that most things that would fall under rule #4 would probably fall under #1 on Sideways' list....not really an issue.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 12:48:22 PM
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stampinlady
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quote:
I find other parents get way more freaky about things than I do. I am a pretty laid back mom with regards to alot of things such as climbing, exploring, and playing. I don't want other parents to correct behavior that I feel is healthy.
I struggled with my attitude towards some of the mom at church when my kids were little. We'd meet at the park during the summer and most of the time our fellowship was fun, but I'd allow my kids to explore more than others and some of the mom's would correct them. I stopped going after awhile. I don't know if they were afraid that they'd get hurt or that I was teaching them to go against the grain? My kids were very respectful of others. It made me see these women in a bad way.
_____________________________
Deb
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
Author unknown
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 12:57:47 PM
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BlessedMamaofmany
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that sounds borderline on inappropriate imho Deb. I was at our pwoc's playgroup a few times this summer. All the moms were sitting right there chatting, so if one of the kids was doing something questionable, it was easy enough to point it out to mom.
_____________________________
Atheism: The belief that there was nothing, nothing happened to nothing, then nothing magically exploded for no reason, creating everything, then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself into self-replicating bits that then turned into dinosaurs
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 1:18:48 PM
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stampinlady
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Ya, I know. I got tired of it after awhile. My son was a climber and had fun at the park. We never alowed out kids to be rude or plow over other children and they were careful around the little ones. I think these moms didn't want deal with their own kids and so would squash other kids. We ended up leaving that church.
_____________________________
Deb
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
Author unknown
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 1:31:33 PM
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Homegrownkids
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I don't mind if people correct my children if it is needed. Unfortanelty we have ran into people that have corrected them for dumb things that are things we don't really care about, or untrue things where we've had to step in and confront and stick up for our children. This particular couple would correct our children right in front of us and my husband and I would look at each totally off guard because we did not see what they saw. Needless to say, they were a few bricks shy from a load, had their own problems, and were denied to be foster parents, and she would tell my husband (as her pastor) some very off the wall stories always relating to children. SO, IMO, it REALLY has to do with who is correcting and WHY.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 1:40:22 PM
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2jsmom
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For the most part I agree with Sideways. I'd add a little bit to #2 though. If a child is harassing another child or handicapped person etc. I'd correct that child. I did that at the ball park when a gang of kids was harassing a mentally handicapped adult, and the look of gratitude from that poor man spoke volumes. I didn't just step in for his sake though, I wanted these kids to know that it's not OK to pick on people who can't defend themselves.
_____________________________
"Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 2:43:04 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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As a non parent, I try very hard not to correct others' kids (unless I'm watching the kids and the parents aren't there)....and I've had many people compliment for NOT being critical of kids even though I'm not a parent.
However, there was one instance when I wish I HAD opened my mouth. I was talking to a mom at church, and we were standing by the back row of pews and her son was right next to us, and he kept doing handstands against the pews, and his feet kept kicking the pew, and I think the shoes even made a scuff mark or two. The mom kept letting him do it until they went home. That time I WISH I had said something to either the mom or him, because that is NO WAY to treat God's property, and the church isn't a gymnasium, and this was a perfectly normal child, too..NO physical or mental disabilities whatsoever.
And yes, that child got plenty of opportunity to play/work off energy/exercise during the week.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 9/12/2009 3:37:24 PM >
_____________________________
Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 3:34:02 PM
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DeliveredDarling
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I partly agree with Sideways rules. if the children are in my house, they follow my rules. I don't know if that is inside or outside Sideways guidelines (hence the part agreement). This has allowed my family to have an influence on some kids that they wouldn't or don't have in their own homes.
I'm ok with parents correcting my child, if I am not around, and it is truly necessary. Otherwise, I really prefer it be brought to me to deal with.
_____________________________
"Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed: but he puts it on a lampstand, in order that those who come in may see the light."
Luke 8:16
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 5:12:26 PM
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Sideways
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I agree with speaking up to protect innocents like younger children or mentally challenged adults. I also agree that children should follow house rules, but I would generally leave it up to the parents to enforce those rules, unless parents aren't around.
My children aren't old enough to just be dropped off at a friend's house, but I would expect them to show respect to the lady/gentleman of the house and their rules. Naturally, I'd be fairly comfortable with those people and their rules before I dropped them off.
But it's the same way with school isn't it? You leave your children under someone else's care for a period of time and they are expected to follow the rules of the school and their teachers while they are away from you. Authority is transferred intentionally while you are not with your kids.
_____________________________
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 5:46:31 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 2645
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
I think adults should only correct another's child if:
1.) There is an element of physical danger to the child and the parent is not around
2.) The child is harassing them, their child or their property [or causing distress to anyone while I am not with them]
3.) The adult knows the parents well enough to support their parenting methods and beliefs.
I don't think an adult should go against what the parents have already taught the child as right and wrong. I've seen my inlaws try to tell their grandchildren things that go against the parents' way of doing things, and that is confusing at best, harmful at worst.
So... tread lightly, and at best it's a case by case basis.
I agree with this (bold letters are my addition). other than that, the "village" needs to mind their own business.
_____________________________
"You can" makes no difference. "You will" changes the world.
~BillyBob Jones in Grey soon to be authored by Caleb (12) for NaNoWriMo
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 6:31:01 PM
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sudden
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Dear posters:
Your answers have been well thought out, interesting, startling and surprising. They have not at all been what I'd have thought. It had never occurred to me that someone might correct children when the parent is present. I think it outrageous that other folks would attempt to correct your children when you are present.
I am also surprised that some of you seem to think that correction is out of anger.
What about caring?
I was thinking of a sandbox scenario where little Justin from down the road is throwing sand in little Jack's face. No other adult is around...that kind of thing. In such a circumstance I would be saying "Hey Justin stop throwing sand in Jack's face. It is hurting him."
There are many neglected kids in this world who have not been taught right from wrong. Allowing them to do something such as the above is, at least, in my mind tantamount to saying "I don't care about you" and "I don't care about the kid you are throwing sand at."These kids need caring too. Comments?
Yours for great dissertations,
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 6:54:28 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
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quote:
I was thinking of a sandbox scenario where little Justin from down the road is throwing sand in little Jack's face. No other adult is around...that kind of thing. In such a circumstance I would be saying "Hey Justin stop throwing sand in Jack's face. It is hurting him."
IMO that falls under #1 of Sideways' list which I think we've unanimously agreed on.
Stellaluna had an example in another thread of informing a parent about pictures her teenage daughter had up on myspace. That also falls under danger to the child and I would thank anyone who informed me of it.
What the rest of us are saying is that there are many people who interfere misguidedly. Whether it's out of caring or some other motive. We and our children have experienced it. What may seem like common sense as to when it's appropriate to reprimand another person's child really isn't to many, many people.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 7:09:50 PM
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buckifn
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quote:
I don't think an adult should go against what the parents have already taught the child as right and wrong. I've seen my inlaws try to tell their grandchildren things that go against the parents' way of doing things, and that is confusing at best, harmful at worst
That looks good on paper, but in life there are MANY MANY people, a lot of them parent's who call evil good. Things like incest, abuse, etc are swept under the rug all under the presumption that the "parent's know best."
Reality is many parent's are clueless...esp. when it comes to what is most healthy for a child.
I am not going to ignore wrong because a parent is ignorant. For instance in the rest. when a parent chooses to deliberately ignore a screaming child why should everyone else suffer in silence?
If the parent's don't address it I am going to.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 7:54:31 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 2645
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
quote:
I don't think an adult should go against what the parents have already taught the child as right and wrong. I've seen my inlaws try to tell their grandchildren things that go against the parents' way of doing things, and that is confusing at best, harmful at worst
That looks good on paper, but in life there are MANY MANY people, a lot of them parent's who call evil good. Things like incest, abuse, etc are swept under the rug all under the presumption that the "parent's know best."
Reality is many parent's are clueless...esp. when it comes to what is most healthy for a child.
I am not going to ignore wrong because a parent is ignorant. For instance in the rest. when a parent chooses to deliberately ignore a screaming child why should everyone else suffer in silence?
If the parent's don't address it I am going to.
I thought that we were talking about how we feel about other people correcting OUR children, not how we feel about us correcting someone else's family. We are not talking about abusive parents, we are talking about ourselves.
_____________________________
"You can" makes no difference. "You will" changes the world.
~BillyBob Jones in Grey soon to be authored by Caleb (12) for NaNoWriMo
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 8:09:57 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Stellaluna had an example in another thread of informing a parent about pictures her teenage daughter had up on myspace. That also falls under danger to the child and I would thank anyone who informed me of it.
Or if you saw another person's child smoking or something like that? That's a good case where the parent ought to be told.
I agree. I want to be told about anything someone sees that they think or know is dangerous to my child or out of line in any way. I have no problem with someone coming to me about anything. Then I can determine if and what should be said to my kids. This applied from toddlerhood on up. If someone sees something that I didn't then telling *me* lets me know that there is a problem (if it is one) and that I need to address it and be on watch for any further occurrences.
quote:
As far as abusive parents, that's a whole 'nuther can of worms. If there is any reasonable suspicion of abuse, then it should be investigated properly. I don't believe that parents have the right to cause their child real harm (as opposed to a normal spanking).
Again, I agree with this.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 8:31:27 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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Saraimay, thank you very much. I try not to be a helicopter parent and let my children learn through their own exploration and discovery. That being said, I would not probably leave my little children or the age most children would be playing in the sandbox unsupervised to begin with. There are times I think it is good to let children sort out their own problems (this is not hitting or being intentionally malicious) but I would still be there to step in if needed. Therefore, the only way another adult would correct my child would be in front of me. Even when they are older, outside of the aforementioned list, I would still prefer the matter be brought to me and let me deal with it as I see fit.
Karen
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