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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you think?
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 8:53:44 PM
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stampinlady
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Do you say anything when a gradnparents corrects your child for something that you you don't correct them for? Is it respectful to tell them that they are wrong or do you leave it alone and just tell your kids later to just go along with them, assuming all this is harmless.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:00:07 PM
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Sideways
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I speak up and correct the grandparent. My oldest is only 2, and I believe he should follow a consistent set of rules. Of course, if we are in someone else's home, then he should respect that home and any special rules. For example, we allow him to jump on his bed (yeah go ahead and call CPS on me). But if he is at someone else's home, then he should not jump on their bed.
My in laws are decent, well meaning folks, but I've seen how their good intentions can be damaging to my nieces when the rules are rewritten or misinterpreted.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:16:29 PM
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W.O.F.
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ditto on what Sideways said.
IF it is a house rule that they have that we don't, such as not putting feet up on the sofa , then we explain to our child that at Grandma's house we don't do that. IF we are at OUR house and they try to impose that rule, we simply state to the child that at Grandma's house we don't do that, but it is okay at ours. (our children don't wear shoes in the house.....so it isn't a matter of dirty feet....)
IF it is a personal preference....it depends. We don't make our children clean their plates before dessert...we do require that they try a bite (at least) of everything new and that, if they want dessert, they eat a fair portion of their dinner (meaning some of everything) but not to eat until they are full....to save room for the dessert....we will (and have) stepped in and told our parents (both sets) that we are trying to instill healthy eating habits, and that includes not over indulging in food simply because one wants dessert. None of the adults eat everything on their plate to get dessert and it is damaging to expect a child to do so.
More often than not...we've had to step in and put our foot down and say that certain things were not allowed and why.....
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:17:09 PM
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zoebob
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If Grandma has stricter rules about something and we are at her house I expect them to obey those rules. When they are with the grandparents without me I expect them to obey the stricter of the 2 rules.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:42:18 PM
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bolt.
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quote:
Do you say anything when a grandparents corrects your child for something that you you don't correct them for? Is it respectful to tell them that they are wrong or do you leave it alone and just tell your kids later to just go along with them, assuming all this is harmless.
At the grands home, I allow them to make house rules and do correction... Neither set is unreasonable, and we indulge them (just go along) in their foibles in other situations too, out of kindness and regard.
Examples:
At home my 4 year old uses neither a booster seat not a bib at table, but for some reason Nana thinks they are important, so, no matter how undignified it is for a 4 year old, I stand behind Nana's desire to use those items at her own table.
In parking lots and crossing ordinary roads, I do not require my 4 year old to hold my hand, if she walks right beside me (and she does). Gran does not feel safe that way and tells her to take her hand. If Gran is with us, I tell my girl, "If you want to walk with Gran, you follow her hand rules. If you'd rather walk with me, that's fine too."
I do not make my kids wash up before supper. At both other houses they do, and the grands are free to correct them if they don't.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:59:12 PM
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Sideways
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My FIL was rather testy with me because I did not require my boy to hold a hand when he was walking on a sidewalk. FIL was very concerned that Nathan would run into the street and get hit by a car. Here's the thing, I know my kid, I know he won't do that. He's very good about staying on the sidewalk, and if he gets close to the road, he's good about listening to a verbal correction to get back on the sidewalk. My FIL does not know my child nearly as well, and I'm not going to change the rules to fit his nerves.
My dad got overly harsh with Nathan while we were at my parents' house, and it had nothing to do with a house rule (more a personal preference like what WOF said). I respectfully let my dad know that he had crossed a line, and if they wanted us to visit them at their house, they would let me be the parent. If I'm not around, then obviously the grandparents must deal with most situations as they see fit, as long as they don't violate any major parenting principles. Of course, I've seen my in laws completely mishandle my older niece because they didn't know her as well, and it all degraded into a huge sobbing mess. The first time I didn't do anything; the second time I learned my lesson and set my MIL straight (the child's parents were not around either time).
quote:
IF it is a house rule that they have that we don't, such as not putting feet up on the sofa , then we explain to our child that at Grandma's house we don't do that. IF we are at OUR house and they try to impose that rule, we simply state to the child that at Grandma's house we don't do that, but it is okay at ours. (our children don't wear shoes in the house.....so it isn't a matter of dirty feet....)
That's what I would do, too.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 9:59:58 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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In general, both sets of grandparents are far more lenient than we are. I have a few basic rules that I ask to be followed, mainly to do with tv and being consistent. For example, at first my mother thought anyone on the Cartoon Network would be okay for my dd. Have you seen some of the shows they have on? My mother wasn't even really watching. When I pointed it out and asked to to stick with dvds or PBS Kids she was fine. Also, if you tell my dd, "If you do such and such again, you will have to get down." Then follow through. Other than that I don't really care. I believe my dd can understand different rules for grandmas and other places. So I guess I have not felt the need to step in for the most part. However, if it was an important rule, yes I would step in and correct the grandparent if necessary.
Karen
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 10:01:04 PM
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Consecrated2God
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I saw a lady the other day try and tell a group of kids who were playing tag to stop running and walk, because they might fall down and get hurt. None of the kids were hers, and there were several mothers standing around who kind of ignored her. She tried several times to get the kids to stop running, and finally gave up. It just puzzles me why some people think that normal kids doing normal kid things are being bad or dangerous somehow. Running is a part of being a kid, and so is falling down sometimes.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 10:04:53 PM
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Sideways
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I agree with Lisa. The irony of over-protecting children is that in the long run you do more harm to the child then any scrape or bruise could ever do.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 10:34:12 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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Oh because children should never run or climb or do absolutely anything that could possibly put them in harms way. We should wrap them in bubble wrap and make them sit very still on a cushioned couch and watch tv. Okay seriously now, people are just silly with it. Not to belabor the point but I really let my almost two year do all kinds of climbing, running, and playing. I often get, "Aren't you afraid she will hurt herself?" To which I relpy, "Afraid no, expecting yes. In fact I will be suprised if we get her to adulthood without some kind of broken bone." The looks I get make me think that they are conisdering calling cps.
This is not the thread but I think there is a lot be said on overprotective and/or helipcopter parenting and the harm it causes children.
Karen
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 11:01:33 PM
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Sideways
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
I often get, "Aren't you afraid she will hurt herself?" To which I relpy, "Afraid no, expecting yes. In fact I will be suprised if we get her to adulthood without some kind of broken bone." The looks I get make me think that they are conisdering calling cps.
Those looks are almost funny. Like when you're in a playgroup and a two year old isn't allowed to sit on furniture without an adult right next to her? Or when children are only allowed to walk stairs after they turn 3? I love watching the near heart attacks when Nathan stood up on the seat on his rocking horse, and I applauded his dexterity and balance.
OK. I'll be good now. I promise.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/12/2009 11:59:20 PM
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garsyt
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I guess for me, it depends on the situation.
My kids are in school. I expect them to follow the rules and policies of the schools they attend and I expect another adult, either a teacher, principal or other staff member or even another volunteer parent to step in and reprimand my child should they step out of line.
Our daughter's girl scout meetings are at the school and the girls are expected - even though school is over to follow not only school rules while we are there but our troops rules as well - and they KNOW that any of us leader/mothers will step in and reprimand them if the need arises. We had issues with the cub scout pack that met at the school and have thus left that pack. It seemed that not to many parents or leaders were all that concerned that the boys were not only not following the rules of the pack, but they were having serious problems remembering that they were meeting in the school. Some of the boys were having problems with following the most basic of policies like staying off the stage and not messing with play sets or playing around in the sound booth. After awhile of being one of the very few parents that EVER said anything or expected better from the boys - we decided to find another pack.
I expect the same at church from Sunday school leadership, youth leadership and other parents, especially if I'm not around.
I expect my kids to follow the rules at their friends homes when they are visiting as well as my rules. IF they step out of line I would expect that friends parent to reprimand my child and make them follow the rules or send them home. And the same goes when neighbor kids and friend visit our home without parental supervision.
IF however I'm there - I would prefer the other person defer to me.
Depending on the situation, where grandparents are concerned, we've been at this long enough to have an understanding. When it comes to meals and food - I am ALWAYS the final say. The grandparents had to work hard to deal with that one. They had a hard time dealing with the fact that I have children that have SERIOUS aversions to certain foods and I have a child with food allergies and that I have a child that struggles with weight issues. We had to have some pretty serious talks regarding meals and food tho. Occasionally I or my husband will still have to step in for our kids, but not very often anymore. For a time they also had a really tough time dealing with the fact that we allowed RPG's and certain books that they and their church had a serious issues with. With that we finally told the kids that while at Grandpa and Grandma's talk about these books and games was not allowed. And we also talked to the grandparents and told them in no uncertain terms they were not allowed to hassle our kids about this topic, at our home or those. Things have gotten better in that department over the years.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 7:38:28 AM
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Consecrated2God
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We are about to take a new church, starting this morning, actually. There's a hallway that goes from the side door that people enter and then a door, and then the sanctuary. The hallway isn't insulated, and they like to keep that door shut so the air conditioning doesn't escape. The problem is, it's extremely difficult to remember to close that door, for me as an adult, let alone for kids who don't think about things like electric bills and air conditioning. If you just swing it shut behind you and don't pull it completely closed, it will open back up on its own. One of the old ladies in the church has already got on my kids a few times for not closing that door. If we get any amount of children in this church at all, she is going to be awful busy yelling at kids to shut the door. I told my husband today that we need to either put a door closer spring on it, or people are just going to have to tithe extra to pay the electric bill, but I am not going to tolerate a cranky old lady yelling at all of the kids in church each week. They aren't being bad--they are being kids.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 8:41:15 AM
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sudden
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
I saw a lady the other day try and tell a group of kids who were playing tag to stop running and walk, because they might fall down and get hurt. None of the kids were hers, and there were several mothers standing around who kind of ignored her. She tried several times to get the kids to stop running, and finally gave up. It just puzzles me why some people think that normal kids doing normal kid things are being bad or dangerous somehow. Running is a part of being a kid, and so is falling down sometimes.
Yes! and then there are those parents who always drive their kids to school even although they are within easy walking distance. The number of vans parked on the street before and after school is incredible!
Sudden
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 8:46:40 AM
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garsyt
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
We are about to take a new church, starting this morning, actually. There's a hallway that goes from the side door that people enter and then a door, and then the sanctuary. The hallway isn't insulated, and they like to keep that door shut so the air conditioning doesn't escape. The problem is, it's extremely difficult to remember to close that door, for me as an adult, let alone for kids who don't think about things like electric bills and air conditioning. If you just swing it shut behind you and don't pull it completely closed, it will open back up on its own. One of the old ladies in the church has already got on my kids a few times for not closing that door. If we get any amount of children in this church at all, she is going to be awful busy yelling at kids to shut the door. I told my husband today that we need to either put a door closer spring on it, or people are just going to have to tithe extra to pay the electric bill, but I am not going to tolerate a cranky old lady yelling at all of the kids in church each week. They aren't being bad--they are being kids.
Now I agree with, us as adults doing what we can to, instead of constantly complaining and yelling about a problem, doing what we can do to help find a solution so it's not a problem in the first place.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 3:08:10 PM
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buckifn
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quote:
thought that we were talking about how we feel about other people correcting OUR children, not how we feel about us correcting someone else's family. We are not talking about abusive parents, we are talking about ourselves.
I didn't see "our children" in the first thread. I saw "any child"
It's way past too late to correct my own kids...they have my grandkids and I generally leave the correcting to the parent's . I haven't had a reason to have to step in so far because the parent's are doing an excellent job- but if I needed to step in I wouldn't hesitate 1 second.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 4:10:24 PM
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Sideways
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What would be the type of circumstances where you would feel you needed to step in?
What would be the type of circumstances where you would step in the correct the child of a stranger?
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 8:47:04 PM
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garsyt
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IF I'm at school as a parent volunteer or at a scout meeting as a leader - yes I will correct and reprimand the children that are not my own, but only when it is extremely obvious that they are not following well known school or scout meeting rules.
For example - my daughters brownie troop meets in the cafeteria of our school. This room also doubles as an auditorium complete with a stage and sound room. The girls KNOW they are not to mess around on stage during regular meetings and especially not when the stage is set for a performance. But from time to time they will and I will get on their case about it.
One night there was a Cub scout meeting on a Monday night before a Tuesday night performance and the Art teacher and I spent the ENTIRE afternoon and an hours after school getting things decorated and ready so the kids could do a dress rehearsal the next day. I dropped my ds off at the meeting and then ran a quick errand to the store. When I got back to the school I was horrified to see boys all over the stage and several of our decorations on the floor! I was appalled! You had better believe that I very quickly made it known to leadership and parents, who obviously knew what was going on but chose until that moment not to really do anything about it! My ds told me later that he tried to get his scout mates to leave things alone but couldn't convince them or get any adults to listen to him. I spent an HOUR after the meeting cleaning things up and getting things put back up.
Also when children from the neighborhood visit my home, the ground rules are laid early and are very simple and consistent. Those rules are as follows: If I say NO I mean no. If I ask you to not do something I expect it to stop. And when I say it's time for you to go home, you will immediately gather your belongings and go. There will be no swearing. There will be no sassiness. And there will be NO food upstairs. The Moms in my neighborhood and I all have an understanding and the same is expected at the homes my kids visit.
Outside of school and scouts or my home and neighborhood, I will not correct a complete strangers child, say in the grocery store, or at the park. In those situations it would not be appropriate.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/13/2009 9:41:31 PM
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Consecrated2God
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I reprimanded a whole group of children, some of which were my own, at a picnic today. The church had this huge inflatable slide, and there were a ton of kids on it, but half of the kids were going up the slide instead of down and little kids were getting hurt. So I told them to go up the ladder and down the slide. I did have to raise my voice to be heard above the noise of screaming children and the air compressor, but I wasn't yelling at them to be mean or bossy, just to keep the little ones from getting crushed.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/14/2009 12:39:26 AM
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saraimay75
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
I reprimanded a whole group of children, some of which were my own, at a picnic today. The church had this huge inflatable slide, and there were a ton of kids on it, but half of the kids were going up the slide instead of down and little kids were getting hurt. So I told them to go up the ladder and down the slide. I did have to raise my voice to be heard above the noise of screaming children and the air compressor, but I wasn't yelling at them to be mean or bossy, just to keep the little ones from getting crushed.
This fine as a future preschool teacher I would do this.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
I saw a lady the other day try and tell a group of kids who were playing tag to stop running and walk, because they might fall down and get hurt. None of the kids were hers, and there were several mothers standing around who kind of ignored her. She tried several times to get the kids to stop running, and finally gave up. It just puzzles me why some people think that normal kids doing normal kid things are being bad or dangerous somehow. Running is a part of being a kid, and so is falling down sometimes.
It also how you play tag. 
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/14/2009 12:46:49 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stampinlady
Do you say anything when a gradnparents corrects your child for something that you you don't correct them for? Is it respectful to tell them that they are wrong or do you leave it alone and just tell your kids later to just go along with them, assuming all this is harmless.
When I was a young parent, I had a major struggle with this. Most of the time, my first husband's parents were as sweet as they could be, but I had a rule that if the children had candy one time, that was it for the day. But they loved to give my babes candy! At first, I would tell them no, but they kept giving it to them. Finally, I decided that when we were going to their house, the children would not have any candy at home; that way, they could have it at the grandparents' house.
Re my mother, she was not allowed to correct my children at all.
Now that I am the grandparent, I have these rules for my grandbears: if you are at my house and your parents are not, you follow my rules. When your parents walk in, all authority goes to them and them alone. However, I have caught myself correcting them on occasion. I hate that. I try not to and usually don't.
My children are great parents, so it isn't a problem. RThe only thing that ever bothers me is when my grandbears are picky eaters. 
When mine were little, right after their father died, some things happened that made me so upset that I told them that I was their one and only "boss," so if someone corrected them, they were to cme directly to me, and I would make the decision whether or not they should obey. This was necessary for the circumstance, but wow, did i set myself up for trouble when my son entered school! I had some backtracking to do! My daughter handled it well, but my son had to be taught two or three times before it stuck.
They were also told that if anyone even looked like they were going to hit them, to come immediately to me. That rule worked out right.
< Message edited by Covaan_Meshuga -- 9/14/2009 2:21:10 AM >
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/14/2009 11:06:42 AM
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GraceyGirl
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We are rather old fashioned in how we've rasied our kids. For example, we spank. Now, DS is 12, and frankly it's much more effective to take away his cell phone than to spank him. DD is 9. . .and honestly, she's a very obedient, compliant child. We dont' spank frequently, but our kids have had their little rear ends smoked on occasion.
Regarding others correcting my children, or us correcting other children. I expect my kids to be on their best behavior when we are with others. Typically, my rule of thumb is if another person has to correct them, then we're going to have a little "chat" about it later on. I am usually very aware of what's going on though, and tend to hear the correction when it takes place. "Michael! Stop running in the church, you know better!" If another parent has to tell my son to stop something he knows he shouldn't be doing, I'm ok with that. However, telling him to stop running at the park is rather ridiculous, yet it's something I've had to deal with. I once had a parent yell at my son to stop yelling when we were outside, at a park. Ummm. . .duh? He's a kid. We're outside. If it's bothering you, maybe you shouldn't be reading a book on the bench by the kids playground?
Dh and I are pretty interactive with our kids, and their friends. I have had to correct said little friends before, but it typically sounds like this, "Dave, have you lost your mind? You know we don't allow that kind of behavior at our house. Do I need to ask your mom to remind you of the rules again?" This usually gets a very quick, "No ma'am. I'm sorry." I have had to put kids in time out before - this is usually for fighting, throwing things at someone, that sort of stuff, and it always gets a phone call to parents.
I think - and this is just my opinion - that dealing with kids of friends is a lot different than dealing with kids who don't belong to your friends. My friends seem to appreciate our correction when their little ones are at our house and out of their sight. I think we are trusted b/c our friends know their kids are safe with us, and that we hold them to the same standard we hold our own. And that goes the other way too - I have friends who I'm comfortable leaving my kids with, b/c I know they will make them toe the line. My more "flighty" friends? The kids aren't likely to end up over there with me or DH.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/14/2009 12:59:56 PM
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his_chosen
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My guys are getting older so I don't have to correct them or their friends as much any more. The kids do know that I don't want to hear profanity and will correct anyone that does within my earshot.
I have been walking my dog as kids are heading to the elementary school. If I see a kid with a helmet not strapped to their head (either unbuckled or hanging on the handlebars) I will tell them that their helmet does no good like that and to put it on. My thinking is that if they have the helmet with them, a parent is expecting them to actually use it. Heck--I even correct ADULTS at races! At a triathlon, you can be disqualified if you are seen at any point riding without your helmet ON AND BUCKLED!
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You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/14/2009 1:24:55 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: his_chosen
My guys are getting older so I don't have to correct them or their friends as much any more. The kids do know that I don't want to hear profanity and will correct anyone that does within my earshot.
I have been walking my dog as kids are heading to the elementary school. If I see a kid with a helmet not strapped to their head (either unbuckled or hanging on the handlebars) I will tell them that their helmet does no good like that and to put it on. My thinking is that if they have the helmet with them, a parent is expecting them to actually use it. Heck--I even correct ADULTS at races! At a triathlon, you can be disqualified if you are seen at any point riding without your helmet ON AND BUCKLED!
But that is really a matter of safety.........so I would hope if it were my kid, you WOULD tell them that! (and then tell me...cause they'd be in SOOO much trouble!!!)
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: On other adults correcting children What do you th... - 9/22/2009 12:57:57 PM
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buckifn
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Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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What if they were 13, 15, and 16 yr olds riding an ATV? Would you do anything about that?
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