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I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it is worth saving???? HELP
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 All Forums >> [Life] >> Marriage >> I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it is worth saving???? HELP | Page: [1] |
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I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it is w... - 9/27/2009 4:35:04 AM
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RDcowbell
Posts: 1
Joined: 9/27/2009
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I have been married for eleven years I have 2 wonderful kids. I have bi-polar disorer but it is mainly well controlled. I have been doing everything my wife has wanted from me to move forward in our life. She threw mw out because shew thought I was acting funny and was on drugs. When In fact I had taken a vallium for the bi polar and needed to calm. It was a Medically prescribed to me script /dosage.
My parents abandonded me when I was a child. I have deep seeded issues regarding this. I know my wife will take me back. I know it is the best for the kids by far. I love the Children with all my heart. They are the only reason I can even see tryingthis again.
This is the third time she has thrown me out. I know she does it to get what she wants but it hurts me real bad as to the aformentioned issues.(just touching the surface) After the second time she threw me out our counslor made some ground rules one of them was no leaving each other in any circumstances, obviously unless danger.
After this last tossing me out I have found myself happy to be away from her, heartbroken that I can't be with my children, and I really don't want to be married to her anymore, I don't even want to try to work on it. I will never believe in her again. I know god would not want a divorce. I know a divorce will tear my kids to pieces a lot of times in their lives. I just dont know what to do when each day passes and the thought of being with her makes me even sicker.
Please give me your thoughts I REALLY Need them and appreciate what you all have to say.
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 4:54:49 AM
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Isaiah331516
Posts: 248
Joined: 1/5/2009
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hmm..
she is your wife. is she your first? if so, she is one flesh with you. that is the way it is.
also, i know this is hard because your heart has been broken, but may i offer something from someone who has been in her shoes to a degree?
her heart has been broken, too. eventhough you did not throw her out; the other bi-polar actions and words most likely tore away at her so much so that she felt like giving up just as you do.
i know we are supposed to have mercy and grace, forgive and love. it is hard, isn't it, especially when we try to do it on our own, not believing God to do it through us and letting Him do that.
have you ever considered getting spiritual healing for your bi polar. there are spiritual roots to this that Jesus desire's to heal.
anyhow, blessings to you brother.
remember, God's desire is to reconcile and restore the one flesh marriage you have with your only wife. He can do the work; we can't. we often, i know i did, look at our situation and those involved. when we do this, we realize there is no way things will get better if we rely on one person or the other. we have to, HAVE TO, rely on God. i think this just may be that opportuniy that the devil intends for bad but that God intends for good as long as you look to Him, our Heavenly Father. seek Him, read His word...diligently seek Him. He loves you both; He loves your whole family :-)
< Message edited by Isaiah331516 -- 9/27/2009 5:25:21 AM >
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 9:54:54 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1765
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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These are the facts:
You are currently in a separation.
Separation can be short-term, long-term or permanent.
Ending a separation requires the consent of both people.
You are not inclined towards reconciliation at this time, due to the pain you experienced when she initiated the separation, resulting in a sense that she does this capriciously, for selfish motives, and the fear that it will be an ongoing dynamic in your relationship if you reconcile.
So, you need to deal with those facts:
(1) Make proper and sensible plans for having your own place, at your own expense etc. -- in case this is a long-term separation. Get your finances in order as it pertains to you living alone. This forms a secure base for you to work from... a home you don't have to beg your way in to and a life that does not depend on sharing with someone who may not be willing to share. It takes away the tools of manipulation.
(2) Make proper and sensible plans regarding your children: you should be sharing parenting time with your children, and possibly giving or receiving financial child support. You should also be getting your children the support or counselling they need.
(3) Get in deep and personal with God. Use extended prayer time, spiritual disciplines, fasting, Bible reading, teacher-reading or online teacher listening. This can not be done without a group of fellow believers who actually know you, in your circumstances, and are supportive and prayerful regarding you.
(4) Get a medical check: make sure that nothing has changed with your bipolar or other physical issues, and tell your doctor about the stress, the separation, and that your wife perceives you as 'acting weird' at times, regarding your meds. Confirm that your medications are properly prescribed and make absolutely sure that you are taking them with exact precision. Take a notebook to the appointment, make notes and ask your doctor to read your notes and make sure they are accurate to what he/she has said.
(5) Forgiveness comes before any possibility of reconciliation. You will be ready to get into those issues after 2 or 3 weeks of step 3.
(6) Wisdom and discernment are critical to the possibility, conditions, timing, and give-and-take of a possible reconciliation. Good counsel plays a role in this process too. You will be more equipped to do this once you've gone through steps 3 and 5. Don't even waste mental energy and create stress for yourself by trying to work on this step before its time.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 10:01:22 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1477
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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Why is she throwing you out? How is she physically able to throw you out so many times?Why do you allow it?
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 10:45:29 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1765
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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One does not have to be physically handled or even threatened in order to be "thrown out" -- it's an idiom, a figure of speech that means someone is forcefully demanding that you no longer be resident in a home. Some have no more than the intimidation of their words behind it, others have some backing such as legally owning the home.
I really see nothing that would be good for the family that would come from refusing to leave a home where it has been demanded that you no longer reside. What's is supposed to do, if he should not 'allow' her to do it? Just escalate the fighting? To what level? And with children there? Just prove that 'you are not the boss of me'? Is that supposed to be a good thing for a relationship?
If the only way she can get him out of the house is to file for divorce, she probably will. At least with a separation, there is a cooling off period and a chance for choosing reconciliation. I highly doubt anybody is going to reconcile with someone who won't respect her enough to go somewhere else if he has made himself unwelcome in the shared house.
She has chosen separation. If she has primary care of the children, it makes sense that she reside in the house for the duration of a short-term separation. That makes sense to most people who love their children. A long-term separation might require some other arrangement.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 11:32:30 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1477
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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I thoght it may be useful to knwo WHY she is throwing him out. I personally would only do that if there was serious abuse, but maybe she does it for far less. Thats why I felt it was important to know whether she is being totally unreasonable or whether she is justified. Makes a big difference.
To the OP I can totally understand why you may not want to return especially if you are so much happier and more relaxed without her.
I dont know if you are both Christians but could you go and see your pastor or another leader in your church who you trust?She actually has no Biblical reason to divorce as far as I can see, and neither do you, and of course the ideal is that you can work this out, but changes are needed. You cannt go through this process of being thrown out all the time, that must be hurting the kids as much as a divorce would. How can they possibly know where they are with this happening?
Maybe you need to tell her that you are prepared to come back as long as she doesnt do that again, and as long as you BOTH work on things in yourselves and the marriage.
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 1:55:25 PM
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hnt
Posts: 667
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RDcowbell
I have been married for eleven years I have 2 wonderful kids. I have bi-polar disorer but it is mainly well controlled. I have been doing everything my wife has wanted from me to move forward in our life. She threw mw out because shew thought I was acting funny and was on drugs. When In fact I had taken a vallium for the bi polar and needed to calm. It was a Medically prescribed to me script /dosage.
It could be your behavior prior to the Valium that scared her.
I don't know much about bipolar, but does taking Valium to calm down a regular thing? I understand that the doctor prescribed that to you, but it could be the pre Valium behavior that scared her. I assume she is familiar with the manic stage of bipolar, and I have friend from church that has bipolar and she says at times that stage can be very unnerving for the whole family.
quote:
My parents abandonded me when I was a child. I have deep seeded issues regarding this. I know my wife will take me back. I know it is the best for the kids by far. I love the Children with all my heart. They are the only reason I can even see tryingthis again.
This is the third time she has thrown me out. I know she does it to get what she wants but it hurts me real bad as to the aformentioned issues.(just touching the surface) After the second time she threw me out our counslor made some ground rules one of them was no leaving each other in any circumstances, obviously unless danger.
What is it you think she wants?
Abandonment by a parent is chilling, and I can understand HOW that would effect you in life. Have you taken steps to deal with that portion of your life? It certainly needs attention.
Whatever the reasons are - getting what she wants or something else - sounds like you two need to go back to the drawing board.
You need to stay for more reason than the children. In some cases SURE it works, but in some it may not be the healthy option at this point. Could be later - but not now.
quote:
After this last tossing me out I have found myself happy to be away from her, heartbroken that I can't be with my children, and I really don't want to be married to her anymore, I don't even want to try to work on it. I will never believe in her again. I know god would not want a divorce. I know a divorce will tear my kids to pieces a lot of times in their lives. I just dont know what to do when each day passes and the thought of being with her makes me even sicker.
Please give me your thoughts I REALLY Need them and appreciate what you all have to say.
You need to remember one thing regarding your children - the fighting and carrying on also tears apart their world. It does not make it a safe and comfortable environment even if their parents stay together. No one wants to live in a war zone.
Stay separated this time until issues have been resolved. They can be resolved, but you both have bad attitudes towards each other and that isn't going to help anything. It certainly will NOT help the children at this point.
You need to look at what would be healthy for everyone involved. Two parents that grate on each other's nerves while living together, or staying separated so everyone can have a bit of peace while working on issues.
Those issues don't go away while separated, and they do need to be worked out. You both have time and space to cool off, and think about the next step. I would try to concentrate on how to deal with those issues regarding your parents. I have found with my own life and issues? That is 100% on me, and yes it is harder when people don't work with you...doesn't mean they can't be worked out. I realize people state that others should work with them, but in reality it doesn't always work that way. It can't be a barrier either if you wish to be healed from that wound. Would have made it easy if they worked with me on those. It didn't happen, and I had to find a way anyway. I'm better for it as well. It is possible, but YES a harder road!
Find ways of dealing with family for now with comfortable boundaries. It doesn't sound like the 'no one leaves unless danger' part was something she was comfortable with. Sounds like you were not so comfortable with the living conditions either. That's a red flag that needs to be dug into, and dealt with. Leaving will happen again if that is not. It is what it is.
Give yourself some breathing room, and don't minimize the baby steps. Its not hopeless here okay? It just sounds like you both need different avenues of healing that the counselor didn't count on.
_____________________________
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/27/2009 2:45:08 PM
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Redjasper
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I hear your pain, I know bipolar disorder so well, because I have it too. And I know the pain of a spouse who has to deal with the behavioral issues. The truth is, your wife should have had spiritual and practical level training on how to deal with your mental illness, when she first faced the whole issue. It seems that you hadn't have any guidance on the same level. I'm not qualified to say what should be done because for me there is a lot of information missing from your post and I don't know how much more you want to share on this forum. Your valium is not enough. You need spiritual healing as well, as some people have already mentioned it earlier. You can't work on your wife's issues and why and how she is unable to deal with this all, you have to be the one who takes charge of your own life and go deeper with the healing process. It's possible that it's too late to work on the marriage due to too much damage had been made, but keep in mind that God performs a miracle so many times and manifests His love to help you both to get through and be delivered. If you really didn't want reconciliation regardless your wife's attitude, you wouldn't have come here for advice. I totally agree with those who suggested that you need prayer, the Word, fasting and the help of a Christian counselor. Only when you get help you will be able to see what the next step should be. Don't rely only the medicine to be helped. That doesn't work. You need it, but it is just one tool at your disposal, there is a lot more to the whole issue that meets the eye. I'm praying for you.
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/28/2009 1:58:26 PM
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huckfinn327
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RD,
I appreciate your distain for divorce ... in that you are correct.
Regarding your wife and your unwillingness to seek reconcilation. The Bible states in the "wisdom" of Provers:
Pro 18:22 Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
Pro 5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Pro 5:19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
Your wife is a "BLESSING" ... take loving care of her.
Huckfinn
_____________________________
NO-REMARRIAGE-THIS-SIDE-OF-DEATH .... JESUS TAUGHT CREATION MARRIAGE
www.jesusremarriagekeller.com
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 9/28/2009 4:01:26 PM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 1349
Joined: 4/14/2005
From: Greece Patra
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If you wish to know whether God thinks your marriage is worth saving, this is my favorite verse:
Matthew 19:8
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
God, while He allows divorce in some reasons, it was like He was being lenient on us because our hearts are hard. I remember ever since i first read this verse 5 years ago, I still now remember it and want to become a person that would never ever under any circumstances divorce my wife. Sure you can say God allowed this and that, but because of this verse, I'm sure God prefers no divorce ever.
I understand how you feel though. That is nowhere near a good enough reason for someone to get kicked out. I would feel awful if my wife decided to do that. Since you were right in this case, I think as a man you should have stayed in the house rather than letting her get her way. I don't know how you handle your finances but if its the "normal" way, then its your house as much as hers.
My advice is talk, talk, talk some more. Be completely honest. Tell each other what you want. Try not to get angry. Love, trust, honesty, willing to compromise and make it work are all crucial. Most important of all of these is definitely love. Try to build all these up in both of you. Try to show all of these to her, no matter how angry she may get you if she doesnt show them back.
_____________________________
eh.
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 10/16/2009 10:55:54 AM
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heremainsfaithful
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From: Alabama
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I also suffer from bipolar disorder. It can be a challenging disease to live with with all of the moods swing, changes in energy level, erratic behavior, and medications. My husband has type 1 diabetes. It can be challenging to live with with all the mood swings, changes in energy level, erratic behavior, and risk of coma, death, blindness, etc. I think you see what I am driving at.
First, you have to make sure you are receiving all available treatment and therapy - yes therapy - for your medically recognized disease. Than, and I hate to throw out this gem, but there's the old "in sickness and in health" thing we all say when we get married.
Bipolar disorder may play a significant role in the breakdown in your marriage, but I am not naive enough to think it plays the entire roll.
I would recommend a pro-marriage Christian counselor who has a healthy view of mental illness.
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 10/16/2009 12:29:53 PM
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APZR
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From: GA
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I'd say talk to your doctors, get them all in a big Pow-Wow to find a treatment regiment that will help you be more stable. If your wife kicked you out, she has to be fearful or worried for the safety of herself and the kids. I do not, and never have, agreed with the "save a marriage at all cost" crowd. If you are in fact unstable, you need to seek more advanced medical help to save your life and family.
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 10/17/2009 11:51:34 PM
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relady
Posts: 684
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From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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quote:
I really see nothing that would be good for the family that would come from refusing to leave a home where it has been demanded that you no longer reside. In some states (Missouri!) if you leave the family home, it can be construed as abandonment, even if the spouse "threw you out." BTW, in Missouri it is not legally possible to actually lock or throw a partner out of the family home. Gets real ugly around here with couples staying in the same home while fighting out a divorce. I say all this just to say that the OP really should also be consulting with an attorney to make sure that in leaving the family home he is not in danger of losing some of his rights as a Father. It can and does happen.
< Message edited by relady -- 10/17/2009 11:58:02 PM >
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RE: I am on th verge of a divorce I need to know if it ... - 10/24/2009 8:31:36 AM
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Anon101
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My husband was recently diagnosed as bi-polar. Usually a bi-polar person does/says things during the mania/depression that is so hurtful without realizing it. What was said/done that causes her to throw you out? I'm not meaning to come off as judgmental and I'm not saying it is your fault. Many times a bi-polar person picks up fighting habits as a bi-polar that are still used even though the mood swings are controlled by medication. Most of the time it isn't the fact that you fight, it is how you fight (hitting below the belt, violent words, pushing buttons, etc) that causes the most pain and resentment. A lot of healing has to take place and you two have to learn how to communicate again minus the bi-polar influence. Maybe she has to get used to the new you?
You say you are happy now being away from her and you know she'll take you back. Are you sure you are truly happy away from her or are you in a manic state without knowing it. The medication just makes the highs less high and the lows less low. Meds do not make the disorder go away completely. I would just hate for you to make a decision during a manic episode. I know that during a manic episode the person can feel very elated and quite invincible.
As a person living with a bi-polar person I know that it is a very toxic personality/mental disorder. It can easily take over not only the person who has it but every relationship that person has. Everyone around you has had to adjust who they are and how they communicate with you to function and live with the disorder. Once you get on medication and feel great the problems the disorder created do not go away. There is a lot of clean up that has to be done in the relationship. It's like having a hurricane come through a neighborhood. You can rebuild the houses but the hurricane itself leaves victims behind it. The people who lived through the hurricane many times have to deal with post stress disorder, fear, phobias, and other emotional and mental things. It takes time and a lot of TLC to get back what the disorder took out of the marriage.
Time away from each other right now is probably a good thing. Please don't make any decisions until you've prayed about it and you know without a doubt that you rather be alone without her. Take this time to get to really know yourself and the Lord.
God bless.
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