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seperated...need advice. - 9/29/2009 2:06:29 PM
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rich_120
Posts: 5
Joined: 6/1/2005
From: Layton, UT
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Just needs some advice…
My wife and I have been separated for over 7 months now and she has recently had divorce papers drawn up. She asked me when we could go and sign them…I said to her, “I'm not signing them with you because I don’t want a divorce. We can sign them separately.” She said to me, “I don’t want to be signing these papers in the first place.” And, just this last Sunday, when she came over to get our kids, she went back to my bedroom where I have a picture of us on her side of the bed. When I walked back to talk with her, she was holding our picture and crying, tracing the picture with her finger-tips. So, I know deep-down she doesn’t want a divorce, but I believe she thinks it’s the only option.
Here is where I need advice: there is a Family Life Weekend To Remember conference coming to my area in a few weeks. We have gone to one before and it really changed our marriage for about 6 months and I got complacent again. How should/could I approach her and ask her to go?
_____________________________
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 9/29/2009 3:03:49 PM
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PastorSteveMT
Posts: 110
Joined: 5/27/2009
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First off, if you are recognizing that your complacency is one of the main causes of her feeling the way she does, you need to get busy showing her you are a changed man BEFORE any marriage conference.
Because basically if you ask her to go, she may see it as history repeating itself. She will think that you guys will go, you will be better for a few months and then things go right back to the way they were.
You need consistent, visible life change NOW. Of course we know that only comes from God. So you need to hit your face and stay there asking God to help you be the man HE wants you to be. Beg God to lead you.
Those marriage weekends can be awesome, but in your current situation, I wouldn't rely on that to be the end all be all of you guys reconciling. Start to make the changes you know you need to make now. Show her you are becoming the man she deserves you to be NOW. Repent to God AND to her for your behaviors. Seek her forgiveness. Put no pressure on her. If you don't know what she needs of you, ask her to tell you so you can begin to do those things.
Once those things start to become very visible in your life and she see's you changing for real, I think the marriage weekend will have a MUCH better chance of sticking this time around.
OF course, this is just my two cents.
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 9/29/2009 7:07:41 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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If she doesnt want a divorce then why is she filing? Why did you seperate unless it is for a time of both of you to work on your own issues ?Unless you have been unfaithful she has no reason to divorce you anyway.
What is the cause of the mariage problems?. Are there faults on both sides? (there usually are). is she prepared to make changes as well as expecting you to? have you both been to marriage counselling?
It sounds to me that she is blaming you for everything and expecting you to change, is that correct? How do you see it?. Are there things that she needs to change also?Is she able to see this?
if a marriage isnt working it is rarely one persons fault only.if only one is prepared to work on things it rarely works.
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 9/29/2009 7:14:11 PM
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huckfinn327
Posts: 424
Joined: 1/30/2007
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You are certainly being honorable ... we are told in Heb 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all ... if this is the case we can then conclude that Divorce is not honorable.
I believe that when wed, "they twain shall be one flesh" ... that oneness can only be divided by the death of a partner... consequently divorce is a myth.
Huckfinn
_____________________________
NO-REMARRIAGE-THIS-SIDE-OF-DEATH .... JESUS TAUGHT CREATION MARRIAGE
www.jesusremarriagekeller.com
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 9/30/2009 3:38:45 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: huckfinn327
You are certainly being honorable ... we are told in Heb 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all ... if this is the case we can then conclude that Divorce is not honorable.
I believe that when wed, "they twain shall be one flesh" ... that oneness can only be divided by the death of a partner... consequently divorce is a myth.
Huckfinn
boy you guys really knwo how to twist things, and even use scripture and your twisted interpretations to try to prove your views. Did you even know that the word for 'one flesh' actually means 'one family'? No didnt think you did. Puts a whole new slant on it.
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 9/30/2009 12:46:58 PM
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Lyrach
Posts: 133
Joined: 10/20/2008
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I believe that you ought to do what Pastor Steve said. Re-read his posting. Very wise words.
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 9/30/2009 3:58:43 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 837
Joined: 5/29/2008
From: A bit north of the Big Chicken
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Sounds like the two of you need some real down to earth open communication. I suggest before you do anything TALK and LISTEN to each other: How you feel, how she feels, what issues lead up to your separation? Learning to affectively communicate is key. Instead of "you always or you never" try "I feel this when you...." .
Also make the decision and commit to repair your marriage. I hear many say they'll try but do it. Commit to pray together and separately for each other. Put God at the center of your marriage and take it one day at a time.
I wish you the best.
_____________________________
Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 10/8/2009 5:05:16 AM
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parth
Posts: 1
Joined: 10/8/2009
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i belive u both should give time to your merriage.
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parth
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weight training
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 10/8/2009 6:55:28 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Rich I would HIGHLY recommend the 'marriage encounter weekend' to you. My husband and I, even though we have a good marriage, went on one last weekend and it was awesome.You come away with a new open and honest and real closeness and communication and I guarantee that if you both go, it will make a VAST difference. I live in the UK, but I will go and look up the website for you (I am assuming that you are from the USA?). Then you will be able to find a course near you. It is run by Christians,who are all on the same marriage road as we all are, and we has so many tears of laughter and tears of healing for past hurts that we had both suffered before we met. PLEASE give it a try,it exceeded all of our expectations.
The website is www.wwme.org We went on one run by the Baptists but there are ones run by different denominations but it doesnt matter as the course is the same and we arent Baptists anyway.
God Bless
By the way they have had couples going who were seperated and who have come together afterwards as a result of this course,
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/8/2009 7:09:25 AM >
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 10/10/2009 1:23:45 AM
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mbgb
Posts: 54
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
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Rich,
Your marriage is already saved if you believe in God. He hates divorce. Yours sounds like love is truly there...and love is literally ALL YOU NEED because "love binds all things in perfect harmony". "love is patient, love endures all things". If you love her and she loves you, put that love to work. Now is the time. God has saved my marriage and I've heard so many stories. Begin reading how a husband should act. Eclesiastes...in the last chapters...tells us how wives should act...I believe the husband part is in there too. Live that way to the letter. Marriage is tough. This is a tough time, but you need to make it through this. Tell your wife you love her and that is not a good reason to get divorced and that you know she also still loves you. If you are in love, why would you get divorced? You are in "confusion" right now...you don't hate each other. My husband and I have said that at our worst moments, and thank goodenss I gave my marriage over to God because he brought us up from the depths of near divorce. We were separated 5 months. Now when it gets that bad, we know that we both still love each other, and that's all that matters. You're not ever going to love anyone like you love your wife. So make it work. Make it work and put God in the very center of your marriage, and now you'll have to also put Him in the center of your life. It's time to give God the reigns. You won't regret this...you'll be so much more miserable if y'all are divorced. Nothing is worse than thinking what would be. You're already married. You made your choice, now take responsibility for sticking to your vows. May God bless you and your marriage. Praying!!
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RE: seperated...need advice. - 10/16/2009 9:17:22 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: offline
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I am so sorry the two of you are going through this. Two wonderful books that have helped me are His Needs, Her Needs and Fall In Love, Stay in Love. I also highly recommend the Marriage Builders programs.
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